Waves In Motion

In anger I pressed hard on my pedals and was off. This was the last straw, I'd been made a fool for the last time. Everyone knew she'd been doing this behind my back, everyone in class had been laughing it up about stupid naive me. Oh she had yelled at me as I rode away, calling me a number of cruel things that bounced off the outside but cut on the inside. I rode faster, ran a red light, nearly got sandwiched between a pair of trucks, and had no clue where I was going. It didn't matter.

Eventually I was along a waterfront trail and ended up at a dock overlooking a bunch of boats. There was an empty bench and I sat down, burying my head in my hands. This was it. Dating anyone just wasn't worth the grief. Especially if they were all like her. Especially to do that with my best friend.

I wasn't paying attention, lost in my sadness, and an older man got the drop on me. He sat next to me on the bench before I could protest or even notice. Once I looked he had already opened a can of beer and was contently enjoying it. Yeah great, of all the moments in my life I needed this now. I glared at him for a moment but that only seemed to increase his enjoyment of what was happening. Senile old coot.

'Fine night, isn't it?'

Now he wanted to talk to me? My torment was never going to end.

'Sure, whatever.'
'Reminds me of a night long ago.' He smiled, sipping. 'I was much younger then, different things on my mind.'

I didn't reply. More than anything I wanted to throw myself or him into the water. Or just ride away and leave, but I couldn't gather the energy for even that. My head stayed down in my hands.

'Would you like one young man? I suspect you're not legal quite yet but it seems like you could use one.'

This old fart would not get the hint. Then again, I was in such a foul state I hardly cared about anything. I'd never had one before, maybe a "one" would make me feel better. I surely couldn't feel worse. I stuck my hand out without looking and the stranger handed me a cold can. I fumbled with it (not bothering to look, head still in my hands), opened it and pushed it blindly to my lips. It was like chilled watery wheat juice left in the sun and I nearly spat it out.

'No sweat. For me anyway, it took many years before I liked it.'

I glared up at the old stranger again and was surprised to see how put together he seemed. I'd expected torn clothing, dirt stains and common hobo unpleasantness, instead he was well dressed with sharp red shoes that, though old, shone brilliantly under the streetlight. I felt more at ease, though still very put off by his presence here.

'I bet I can guess what's bothering you. Girl problems.'
'Get lost.' I fired.

To my surprise he chuckled. I tried another sip and found it slightly less repulsive than the first time.

'Precisely.' The stranger nodded. 'What business is it of mine? The last thing you want right now is some old fart telling you what to do, or reminiscing about his personal glory days. You don't need that.'
'Sure. Cool, I guess.'

We were silent for a long moment, sipping our drinks and looking in different directions into the bay. Some feeling came over me and I felt the urge to at least test his wisdom.

'I... I dunno... I'm like, someone made a fool of me. That's all I'm saying.'
'Sure. That'll happen. There's always drama with these types of things, that doesn't change.'
'It doesn't?' I asked.
'Well, the type of drama changes. Romantic relationships are difficult, uncertain creatures. And when you're young, everything around you is so wide open, the uncertainty is even greater.'
'Does it, you know, get easier?'

The stranger finished his beer and tossed it into a recycle bin with perfect accuracy.

'Maybe.' He shrugged with a faint grin, mumbling some other words before grabbing an umbrella from his pocket and tapping it to his forehead in goodbye.

I watched him disappear and then sat for a while until the rain really came down upon me. Back on my bike I went, leaving the gift a quarter finished, an was drenched by the time I got home.

-----

It had been years since I had ridden a bicycle. In my first year of university I suffered a terrible knee injury trying out for the basketball team, thanks to a slippery gym floor, and the basic movement of riding was agonizing for some time. My accident had eventually transformed into a brief lawsuit, leaving me with a fair amount in the bank for my trouble, minor consolation since my knee was never the same despite multiple surgeries. Once the coin was mine I bought a pair of expensive shoes and then a bicycle just to see if I still could do it. Turned out I couldn't pedal very fast, but it was doable.

There was a place I'd gone years ago in high school I wanted to see again, so at night I snuck out of my dormroom and rode towards the lakeshore very slowly. Nothing was familiar as I went, there were condos now being built along the main stretches of street. I wasn't completely sure where I was going, and was relieved when I finally saw a dock with about a dozen boats floating idly in the water. I took a seat on a bench and stared into the bay for a while, my thoughts lingering on my next move in life.

These mental motions were disrupted when a man staggered into my line of vision. He was maybe a decade older than I, though his shaggy beard and reddish face added some phantom years beyond that. In his hand was a can of beer, which he gulped down and tossed onto a docked boat with admirable accuracy. He turned to me:

'Eyyyy... we've have got the same shoes man we've got!'

I glanced at his feet and he was right, though his were a bit more worn away. I commented how that was a funny coincidence and immediately regretted doing so, since he sat down stared clumsily at my face.

'I don't remember... seein' you before...'
'That'd be another crazy coincidence.' I nodded, turning in another direction. His breath was foul like an onion sandwich mixed with booze.
'What's troublin' you man? Ya look... look like yarve got something onyourmind...'
'It's nothing. Don't worry about it dude.' I said, trying to be closed yet polite. 

He mumbled, reached into his jacket and pulled out two more cans. He nearly dropped one but showed another impressive move by catching it with his foot and flipping it up to his open hand. He then offered the same beer to me and I felt compelled to accept, if only to compliment his bizarre dexterity.

'Thanks.' I said, giving him a cheers. He nearly spilled it all over his pants.
'I gots... stuffs on my minds, mans... big stuffs...' He mumbled, taking a large gulp. 'You minds if I get some ofit off machest?'

I agreed and took my first sip. It was okay considering I wasn't much of a beer fan. The clumsy gentleman began to ramble somewhat coherently about what was troubling him. Most of the details were lost in the haze of his desire to keep adding more details or just an inability to form proper sentences, but from what I pulled out this was something very heavy and important.

'That's intense.' I said when he seemed finished. 'That's a really tough call there.'

He said nothing, only rubbing his head in stress and staring out at the boats for a long moment. At last I thought to leave but he sensed it.

'So tellme what'son yer mind now.'
'Trust me it's cool.' I insisted. 'It's silly in comparison to what you told me.'
'Nono no no, please do. I would really... like to hear it.'

I sighed, sure I was about to sound like an immature dope. Another sip of beer and I glanced at my strange storyteller: his eyes were even more glazed than before but I knew somehow he was about to listen intently.

'Well... ugh... it's just I don't feel like... like I'll ever meet someone.'
'Okaysh.' He said, swaying slightly.
'I mean, it's not that I've never met anyone, you know... there have been short little things. I'm just not sure I'll ever meet the real, right person. You know?'

He was silent for a moment. We sipped beer in the tightness of quiet, the only sounds provided by the waves shifting the boats around.

'Ithinks somes fews of us never meet that personIguess... or we do but they comes along later in life, whenyou'renot looking for em... it's differents, for everyones.'
'But how do you know they're the one?' I asked, feeling stressed myself now. 'How can you be 100 percent sure?'

He began to speak but paused. His lips twitched a bit and his eyes rolled up a bit, as though a new different thought had pushed the old one away.

'100 percents? Nevethat's... doubtthere's always therisk... always the leaprisk...'

I wanted to ask more but he suddenly got to his feet, spilling the last quarter of his beer. He thanked me for listening to him and stumbled off into the night before I could return so likewise. So much of what he said hardly made sense to me, like it was hopeful and bleakness holding hands with each other. I watched the water a bit longer but could not find any conclusion to my dilemma I felt good about. Eventually I hopped back on my wheels, leaving the beer half empty, and rode slowly back towards downtown. A slight warm glow gave my knee an easier trip of it.

----

It was the spot I was needed. Definitely. Had to be. I'd asked the streetcar driver half a dozen times. She yelled at me to get off right before Coxwell. People on the streets, weird looks. The ones who would even acknowledge me didn't know what I was talking about. I wandered south in a haze of blurry traffic lights and dark enormous trees. Shadows closing in all around me. Shadows again! A sense I was close to where I needed to be kept my bravery. It was all I needed.

Still, some excess bravery couldn't hurt. I lunged my hand into my heavy jacket. A fresh cool can. Load lightened. These shadows had their tentacles near my throat now. I popped the can and dumped most of the contents down my mouth quickly. Now I was light-headed, more so, my steps clumsier and my vision slightly titled, more so. Much better.

I evaded the shadows, came upon a bench directly across from the water. A dozen or so boats floating along the docks there. Another man, younger, already sitting on the bench. I finished the rest of my can and threw it blindly towards the water, it landed somewhere didn't care. I observed to the bench man we wore the same shoes. He agreed. An invitation. I sat next to him, immediately he seemed less comfortable. I'd never seen him before, unsurprisingly. Big city. His bicycle was familiar though, leaning against a nearby tree.

Something was troubling him, deep. An inquiry into what but I was shrugged away. I reached into my jacket for my last two miracle cans, dropping one on my feet.

'You want one?' I asked, more or less.

He accepted and we drank for a moment. It occurred to me then that I was here to contemplate. All this way to a special spot, mull this heavy thing. I asked the young stranger if I could do so aloud. He agreed. Delightful. Instant camaraderie.

'Well it's a matter of life and love.'

The young stranger nodded, contemplating my gift after his first taste. I continued.

'I've been with the most wonderful awesome woman in the world. Four years. Most of em great. But we've hit a roadblock. An impasse. We've gone as far as we can without the big step. Hand in hand. Death do us part. I do? Do I?'

No response. Maybe I wasn't clear enough.

'She's dynamite, you know? An explosion of a person. Can't imagine life without her. Legs, body, mind, eyes. Smiles with style, right? But I ain't sure. Feel like I gotta be totally sure. Like a concrete block. This is my life man! Total certainty.'

The young stranger nodded and mumbled something about tough calls. Couldn't get through. What a shame. Maybe the boats out in the water could guide me somewhere. Still nothing though. Had to steer this in another direction.

'So tell me what's on your mind now.'

He tried deflecting my inquiry once again, but I persisted kindly. At last he sighed. A tell. He was going to reveal it. I looked at him intently. He was still young, had to show I was paying attention.

'All right well... ugh... it's just that I don't feel like I'm ever gonna meet someone.' He explained.

I nodded. The young stranger continued, explaining his plight. Rather emotional frustration. To some it could've seemed dopish. Not to me. Been through the same thing. Tough. It's difficult to step up to the plate and think you've finally got one to hit, but you swing and miss anyway. I attempted some wisdom:

'I think some few of us never meet that person... or we do but we let them slip away for whatever reason... or they come along later in life when you're not looking for them... it's different... for everyone.'
'But how do you know they're the one? How can you be 100 percent sure?'

My instinct was to snicker. Youthful foolishness. You just know. Diamond tough. But... do you really? Completely? Did I? Was this it? My feeling? Questions now. Certainty of certainty shattered. Youthful wisdom.

'100 percent? Never. There's always doubt and... there's always the risk... always the risk of the leap...'

New things to think about. Avenues unexplored in the dilemma metropolis. I'd been locked into a fear I couldn't understand, unaware how common it could be. Had to leave this place. Served me well, done it's job. No long goodbyes necessary. Dumped the rest of my can into the grass, back into the night. Back into the shadows. But this time I had them. There were streetlights breaking their curtains. 

----

For much of my younger life I was in a state of disharmony, an imbalance of emotion if you will. I believe many of us grapple with a similar impasse during this period of life. Two states of mind that are naturally opposed by one another, yet our instincts drive our desires towards both: the need for self and the need for someone else. As a younger man I pursued the second much more vigorously, presuming such success would also mean success for the first. This was frustrating. I neglected loving myself for the pursuit of someone who could love me, and was eventually fortunate at all to find such a person who could tolerate that.

But I did, and as we became closer and closer I found it much easier to love her than I did to love myself. This was the disharmony: I'd always wanted to love someone and so took to it quickly, but in terms of self-love I was immature and inexperienced. My diet habits were bad, I consistently had one drink too many, my clothes would tear and go unreplaced. Eventually I reached an emotional puberty, wherein I began looking out at the world and seeing opportunities one without any sense of self would be blind to. I thought this would finally eliminate the disharmony, add much needed certainty to my life but instead the questions went another direction. I was changing into a different version of myself and now wasn't even sure I wanted what had been the one true constant in my adult life: the one I loved. Now my frustration at the uncertainty of life had reached an apex.

The solution came entirely by accident, as many solutions do. It was a matter of recognizing what the problem actually was: it wasn't so much that uncertainty itself was the issue, it was my perception of it. Looking upon uncertainty as a solvable problem can slip one down a rabbit hole into an impossible search for perfection. This is where I was, seeking absolute satisfaction within myself when such a search will leave you spinning in circles uselessly. I realized in a moment that uncertainty itself is neither bad or good, it exists only because our existence is filled with so many options and choices in each instant of time. It's easy to look back at mistakes and visualize correcting them, but it's hard to look back confidently at making a good decision instead of a great one. Once I understood the source of my uncertainty wasn't from the fear of making a mistake, but from the fear of not making a perfect choice, an internal peace revealed itself to me.

This was many years ago. I made at the very least a great choice by staying with the wonderful, patient woman who had supported me through my maturation of emotional self. We built a steady life together, got into the microbrewing industry and now enjoy a work both of us have become quite fond of. One evening our car was at the mechanic's, so I dusted off an old bicycle and went for what was intended as a short ride. This "short ride" transformed into a long adventure along the lakeshore. It was a kind early summer night and my thoughts were drifting into random instances of the past, vague blurs of moments that reflected the better and worse of my former self. There was a place close to here that flashed in these memories and I continued onward to find it.

There were some boats roped to a dock up around the bend. A bench overlooked it right next to the water, the sound of the waves brushing against the boats was a siren call for me to sit there. I hid my bicycle in some bushes, cracked open a can of my microbrew and embraced the atmosphere. As I approached the bench I saw somebody was already sitting there, a teenager with his head buried in his hands. I was uncertain whether to disturb him or not, a feeling which convinced me to sit down there. He gave me a vicious look as I did so and I could hardly hide a smile. Definitely a great choice.

'Fine night isn't it?'

The gears in his young mind turned with such annoyed contempt I thought the whole mechanism was about to shut down. Instead he shrugged and unhappily hung his head around his knees. I commented how this was a night that reminded me of another a long time ago but he hardly flinched, making me chuckle to myself all the more. Knowing the next step, I reached into my jacket.

'Would you like a beer, young man? I suspect you're not legal quite yet but it seems like you could use one.'

The adjustment in his shoulders told me he was open to my offer. I gave him a fresh cold one, he opened it, took a sip, and tried not to gag. It reminded me of my very first cold one. Despite this reaction he was clearly more at ease from this point onward. I thought to press the issue by saying something deliberately irritating.

'I bet I can guess what's bothering you. Girl problems.'

Sharp hostility in return. All I needed was a reaction, any reaction was a step forward from the previous despondency. I went forward, emphasizing how it was none of my business and how I, as an older cloud of flatulence, was in no place to understand what exactly could be happening in the mind of a young fellow like himself. It was the precise thing to say in this moment, very little uncertainty there. I could sense it. Sure enough he seemed somewhat gracious at my attempt to respect his feelings. We were silent then for a while, he pretending to enjoy my gift brew while I required no facade to enjoy mine.

'I... I dunno... I'm like, someone made a fool of me. That's all I'm saying.' Said my young friend at last.
'Sure. That'll happen.' I replied quickly. 'There's always drama with these types of things, that doesn't change.'
'It doesn't?' He asked, as though his eternal spirit hung in the balance.
'Well, the type of drama changes. Romantic relationships are difficult, uncertain creatures. And when you're young, everything around you is so wide open, the uncertainty is even bigger.'

My words had given his lips something to mash together for a moment. The night was getting late for my old bones and they felt rain soon coming. I took a large gulp of my brew.

'Does it, you know, get easier?' Asked he.

All the moments of memory that had sparked in my mind seemed to align at just this moment, like every version of myself was in harmony. Except one.

'Maybe.' I smiled to him, finishing my brew and tossing it into a nearby recycling bin. I gathered myself to my feet and was about to leave when one last thought popped into my mind.

'Get yourself a nice pair of shoes though. Red ideally.'

And I was gone, back on my wheels and pedaling against an oncoming rain I hadn't evaded before, but would now. I wasn't sure my young friend had fully heard that last bit, but it was okay. It would happen, as it always did.

So, The Streetlights

So, the streetlights pop to life, proper proud orbs of small artificial suns. So, the moon brushes the clouds aside, an evermore glowing centre stage in a darkening sky. So, the shadows behind your cheeks become deeper, your face transforming into a mask of hidden intentions.

So, my hands become cold, I plunge them into my pockets but still my knuckles tremble. I check my watch but the hands have stopped. I try to cover my face but my arms are equally frozen. So, the streetlights flicker and fade, this world losing life with an inhuman laugh.