A 2023/24 Toronto Raptors Report Card

 

 

 

The statistics and records of history will look back objectively upon this particular basketball squad and declare without reasonable debate: "they were bad!". And yet, this was such a strange season that such a brief assessment dodges much of the story... as mostly terrible a tale as it was. Not fun! But... certainly strange enough, and memorable in its awfulness to compel me to write about it, at least. 

I was about eight years old when the Raptors emerged in the mid 1990s, so I'm (thankfully) spared a lot of recollection of those tough early expansion years. However, I'm going to make a bold statement here: I firmly believe this past year was the second worst season in Toronto Raptors history. This isn't entirely about wins and losses (as plentiful as the latter was), no. It's about the whole picture. Only one other year truly stands out as being the absolute worst for the franchise, and it was an era when nobody was yet convinced this Canadian NBA experiment could last.

Allow me to argue this silver medal among the other obvious contenders. The very worst season in Raptors history has to be 1997/98, the disastrous third year of the franchise. A 16-66 record after the previous year falsely proposed a young squad on the rise... your first ever star/face of the team forcing his way out of town mid-season... again the very concept of Canada being able to support an NBA team (we were 1 for 2 in the end)... this is surely the absolute low point of the Toronto Raptors. As a child I remember fearing if they even had a future in town once Damon was shipped out... little did we know, or could've dreamed, that Vinsanity was immediately around the corner. Kyle Lowry is the greatest Raptor of all time, but Carter still remains the most important one. 

I'm not counting the inaugural season in this debate either: what did anyone expect? Alex Wong does a superb job in his book 'Prehistoric' and I strongly recommend reading that if you're curious about all the wackiness of the Raptors first season. So! By winning percentage (.305... yikes) this was the fifth worst outfit in franchise history. We've already mentioned the worst (97/98) and kindly dismissed the birth season of the team. 

That leaves 2002/03 (they went 24-58... Vince played half the games and the rumblings of discontent were rising fast) and 2010/11 where Jay Triano's squad went 22-60, the first season after Chris Bosh left and the Bargnani project was immediately proving what we hoped was sadly not in the cards. (ironically, the 02/03 team's awfulness led to the Raptors getting the 4th pick for Bosh). 

You can also argue the Tampa Tank season was worse (and in several ways it was) but for me, considering the scope of it all... this 23/24 year is second worst rather comfortably. 

Consider: you see two long time beloved starters traded away....your young budding superstar breaks his hand, rendering the final quarter of the season pointless and entirely uncompetitive. Family tragedies... a Pete Rose-like gambling scandal (seriously???)... the second longest losing streak the team has ever endured... and oh yeah if lottery balls aren't kind they still won't keep a juicy top draft pick after suffering through all that. In a draft that consensus agrees...is trash.

There is currently much, much more reason to reasonably dream for a brighter future than there was after 97/98, or the inept 10/11 squad, or the ugly final era of Vince's disdain in Toronto purple... but hoooooo boy this 23/24 team just had no chance many, many nights. Perhaps some of the most hapless lineups or collection of players the franchise has ever put to an NBA floor. Nobody in particular's fault either (okay maybe a couple we'll get to) beyond unfortunate circumstances... but it happened. We saw it, and it cannot be unseen. Certain games near the end.... I can't recall the Toronto Raptors ever being so overmatched in every way. Those certain rosters would've struggled to win eight contests in an 82 game season.          

So yeah. Second worst season ever. Lets point some fingers.

 

Masai Ujiri and Bobby Webster -- D+

 

You can give credit that they finally pivoted off something that clearly wasn't working (far, far too late, but at least they did). Problem is, it was at the almost last possible second, and one of those trades is looking rather extremely lacking in its return. 

In trading two longtime stars, it sure seems like they truly nailed one transaction and completely botched the other... which seems the kind of thing that can happen when you hold your cards too close for so long. Masai and Bobby clearly have a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card or two considering we're still just five years removed from a championship they built... but a lack of internal player development the past while, once a hallmark and crucial backbone of the eventual title winning squad, is becoming concerning.

Which brings us to the Jak trade. High quality player, the 2024 draft is still regarded as very weak... but potentially giving up a #7 overall pick for a good-not-great NBA starter is an easy thing to point an angry finger at. It was a confounding trade at the time in 22/23 (the Raptors were multiple games under .500 and not going anywhere) and continues to look worse. Or if they keep the pick... the 2025 draft is regarded as much more star heavy and they would still owe their pick to the Spurs, same protections. Unless the team is suddenly meh to good-ish again next year... it's bad! And I love Jak. 

When the change in direction was clear, Masai Ujiri gave a press conference and admitted he probably stuck with that core longer than he should've, describing the Jak trade as giving those guys one last kick at the can. They did play better after, but blew the play-in game thanks to an elementary school girl distracting them at the free throw line, and then Fred VanVleet left. The writing was on the wall, this wonderful era had run its course.

I think they salvaged things as best they could but with very uneven returns. It took them way too long to realize the necessary direction... but at least they did even if it was at 11:58 on the Doomsday Clock. In mid-December, with the opening day team floundering, it was looking like these guys were content to watch their ship sink.

 

Darko Rajakovic -- C+

 

As a distant watcher who knows little of these things, I still have nagging doubts that Darko has the in-game chops as an winning NBA coach. The bizarre early foibles lessened as the season went on, but even so this Raptors team played such sloppy basketball throughout the year... constantly made the same errors and it never felt like those mistakes ever were cleaned up just a little. Somebody box out, for the love of freaking God.  

I'm willing to cut Darko plenty of slack in his rookie year though. Mostly because he basically coached four very different teams over the span of one season: the season opening team with a longtime (though mismatched) core he inherited, the temporary Quickley-Siakam-Barnes core for a month (more on them later), the Barnes led squad post Siakam trade, and then the Barnes-less zombie team for the final 20 games and well, they definitely played those games.

Darko seems an incredibly likable, positive personality (certainly an asset in such a tumultuous, chaotic year) and the players appear to agree... meanwhile his passing-focused-heavy changes to the Raptors offense made the team far more watchable than the latter-era Nick Nurse grit and slog approach. 

Can Darko build a remotely NBA caliber defense? This remains to be seen, but it will have to be seen at some point soon. Mike Malone found it... but many don't.

 

The players

 

Kira Lewis Jr, DJ Carton, Ron Harper Jr, Markquis Nowell, Christian Koloko. Kobe Simmons, Spencer Dinwiddie- N/A

 

Thirty players appeared in Raptor red this year. Thirty! And that doesn't count Dinwiddie or Koloko (or Justise Winslow!) who were all technically on the roster at some point.  

Lewis played one game and was flipped to Utah immediately. Harper Jr. was lost for the season to a knee issue early on, Carton was a little lefty guard they tried off the bench for a bit until he also got hurt long term, Nowell did some impressive things in the G League but got hurt at the worst possible time (when Quickley started missing some games). Still, rather surprised they jettisoned Nowell so abruptly (though he is back with Raptors 905 so the organization has some of his rights). Koloko might never play again due to medical reasons... extremely sad and disappointing as he showed some useful defensive ability last season. Hopefully at the very least he can live a healthy life going forward. And then Simmons played some backup guard during the terrible losing streak. 

We're cutting this off at 100 minutes played! Although my ability to say anything substantial about Malik Williams (who just snuck in at 107... damnit) is very questionable. Just go read Blake Murphy. He's always on top of stuff like that.         

 

Scottie Barnes -- A

 

The best, most important story of the season and for the franchise. 

Barnes taking a serious leap after his stagnant sophomore season, still at only age 22, can give Raptor fans some hope for a brighter future. Another big step and suddenly you're looking at an MVP candidate. 

He's also just a fun player to watch. There are so many spectacular things on either end he can do, and the improved 3 point shooting (though it tailed off) is a game changer. My minor nitpick is I wish he'd stop throwing fastball passes to teammates: Barnes loves sharing the ball and it's almost like he gets a little too excited and just whips a Verlander at their poor hands. Once the game slows down even more for him, and he already sees it so well, this is one special player. A deserving all-star and I have little doubt he'll join Carter, Bosh, DeRozan, Lowry and Siakam on the multiple appearances list. 

If you're a cop I guess you can dock him for missing the final quarter of the season... but I'm not and breaking your hand randomly on a play seems pretty... you know, random.

 

Pascal Siakam -- A-

 

All the talk about not being offered a reasonable extension, about whether he was worth it... the obvious trade chatter surrounding that situation... dude just put his head down and balled out at the level he always has. Darko miscast him early on as a secondary choice (Siakam is so deadly at the rim... rather a bad move keeping him the corners early on by the rookie coach) but to his credit Pascal looked as good as he ever has around the time he was dealt. Not sure the front office realized that (*cough* *cough*).

We can debate whether Barnes and Siakam would've worked together long term (I think so) or if Pascal would be worth the max extension he'll now surely get from the Indiana Pacers (not here, but on the Pacers yes, he's much more valuable to them). His defense has slipped but he's still handsy, disruptive, still explosive in the open court and still puts post defenders in the spin cycle. One of the Top 6 Raptors of all time. 

Who knows what they eventually turn Bruce Brown into, or whatever Jordan Nwora is, or what those 2024 and 2026 picks become... but that trade still forever sucks. Thumbs down there, a million thumbs up for Pascal Siakam. He scored one of the most important buckets in franchise history, never forget:

 

Immanuel Quickley -- B+

 

There's a ways to go... being a supersub behind Jalen Brunson limited the opportunity for Quickley to stretch his game and so I think he's still figuring out a lot of stuff about being the main point guard.

What he can already do is unbelievably useful. He's a top seven rotation player on any other team in the league (name me a team that wouldn't want him/play him)... but the real question is whether he can be both Scottie's number two and a lead guard for the next great Raptors team. Neither of them had much chemistry together, or much opportunity to develop it. We will have to wait and see, but there are positive signs from IQ objectively. Quickley's passing especially came better than advertised.

When the team swapped out OG for Quickley (among notable others) I was excited, and that's no slight on OG who is a true Raptor legend. Getting a dynamic guard who can shoot the lights out, paired up with Scottie and Jak and Siakam... I had a backseat hope this was the turning point of the season. The roster finally had more balance, and for a brief stretch on a brutal road trip (winning in Memphis against a Grizzlies team still with Ja Morant, fighting back against a very good Kings team, destroying the Warriors on their own floor) this reconfiguration was a master-stroke. The defense wasn't great, but with Jak protecting the rim and Barnes alongside Siakam being long and rangy... you could imagine things coming around with a bit more time/experience together. Quickley looked like the ideal piece alongside this, and still looks pretty darn important to any success the Raptors soon hope to enjoy.

 

R.J Barrett -- B+

 

Rowan Junior has had quite a year. First off condolences to the Barrett family, absolutely heartbreaking.

 

In some ways you can kind of get why New York was done with him. The tunnel vision driving into traffic, his bizarrely mediocre and careless defense despite having the clear althletcism to be elite on that side... but you can also believe Toronto (aside from the obvious hometown narrative) has unlocked a better version of his game. Don't forget, despite being a five year vet now... he's still really, really young. Younger than Quickley, even. Not crazy to imagine there is still quite some growth in his game to be unraveled. And there is already much to like.

With the Knicks he was a third option at best and their third option among lefty shooters at that (an odd way of cramming the floor) but more importantly the free-flowing nature of the Raptors offense (compared with the more deliberate, isolation-heavy Knicks) seems to have released a playmaking aspect of Barrett that few had considered before. 

He was a point guard coming up before going pro after all, and while his stubbornness bulldozing into crowds will probably frustrate us eventually... I don't detect any trace of pure selfishness in his game. He has a ways to go in terms of reading the game as a playmaker, but you sense he wants to make the right team play everytime. 

The shooting might come and go (weird form) yet regardless when he seems hellbent on getting a bucket inside... aside from Barnes he's the guy I feel most confident in. I see a really good #3 guy here... but who knows he might have more in him. Right situation... it's not crazy to dream. And he is so strong... I don't think this is a fluke.     

 

Jakob Poeltl -- B

 

At the start of the year, when the Raptors starting lineup had nothing resembling spacing beyond OG and Scottie knocking down the open looks defenses gladly allowed... Jak was looking awful superfluous. All these 6'9 forwards with mobility and defensive chops, alongside a starting point guard with meh shooting who has made a career of being speedy and attacking the rim... why is this 7'1 dude, who literally shoots free throws one-handed, clogging all the paint space? It was rough for a while.

Giving Poeltl a point guard who could actually be a long range threat (Quickley) unclogged that crowded area of the floor and also unleashed Jak as a high playmaker or a pick and roll threat. While he still can't shoot even a slight lick in an ice cream factory tour, he really is a smart, skilled NBA big man who does the little things excellently. Terrific defender, smart as a dribble handoff hub, makes good reads on either end... if he were in the OKC Thunder starting lineup instead of Josh Giddey that team makes the west finals easily. 

It's no coincidence that the fun six game stretch I mentioned above, the Barnes-Siakam-Quickley-RJ team... the dream and promise of it ended in Golden State when Jak stepped on Pascal Siakam's foot trying to recover a ball, twisting his own ankle. The Raps were 15-21 at the time, but without Poeltl went on to lose 9 of the next 11, ending all serious hopes of anything serious. 

When he got hurt again later... it is no coincidence one of the worst losing streaks the team has ever seen immediately followed. All season... for real... they went 4-28 without him! Which is just completely nuts.

 

Kelly Olynyk -- B-

 

Kelly is a mighty fine backup big on a good team. He isn't nimble, not a good defender but he's smart, he tries, and is experienced enough to get to the right spots so to battle second units to a draw. During the awful month-long losing streak, you could see how things look when Olynyk is your primary/only NBA big man. 

On the other side... now we're cooking. He's a super fun, inventive passer. He can run a play for you, can hit threes enough to be a verified threat and has some crafty old man moves when getting to the rim. An excellent supporting player, and clearly overstretched when not only is he starting but he's your second best dude on the court. It'll be useful to have him here the next little while with hopefully a team that requires him to do less. A funky player with plenty of utility... plus I'm biased towards long hair.                   

 

OG Anunoby -- B-

 

A character among characters and he will be missed... but I think he was done with the situation. Not as a "I hate being here" type thing... OG is far too stoic to ever imply such an attitude... but this had clearly grown into a stagnation for both him and the team. 

While defensively this year he was still reliably decent in Toronto, in New York he clearly picked it back up to his insane upper tier elite levels. Like, setting records for plus/minus territory. He needed a new challenge, a new opportunity to be recognized, and I'm sure the Knicks will pay him handsomely. We'll always have scarves, but most importantly, we'll always have this:

 

 

He doesn't shoot trying to miss.

 

Gradey Dick -- C+

 

It was quite a roller coaster ride for the young man, even by 20 year old rookie standards. That draft night suit! Some impressive early performances! Then oh no... oh god no... this kid looks totally lost... he can't even shoot in the G-League? Uh-oh. Conditioning stint? Will he even play again this year? Wait, now he's back with the NBA club? And then the shots began to fall.

There is a lot to like with Gradey's game, raw though it still is. He can clearly shoot, but there's such great activity and smarts as a cutter as well... the off ball movement, the general instincts are arguably the most exciting thing to see from a player so young. Also, he can really shoot.

He will have to get much stronger, as we saw once rough circumstances forced him into the starting lineup... the more grown men of the NBA had little trouble pushing and bumping him around. Maybe he can fight the league enough to be an average-ish defender, but that's not going to be his calling card regardless. Still, Gradey shouldn't be the solution #1 for the Raptors at starting shooting guard next year, not yet... but he's shown enough already to be at least a key bench piece for next year even if the Raptors bounce back into decency. Very intriguing young player, and clearly a likeable goofball.

 

   

 

Chris Boucher - C

Boucher did all the chaotic Boucher things you normally expect: crazy hustle and energy, gobbling up offensive rebounds, selling out for three point shot blocks and of course taking some ill-advised threes himself with that funky release of his. 

Yet for whatever reason (or perhaps all these reasons) Coach Darko never gave Boucher much of a run unless the roster was so decimated there was no other choice, and then Chris ended up getting hurt right when that extended runway finally appeared. 

It's a shame... this team consistently got crushed on the boards and Boucher would've helped with that, but Darko clearly prefers bigs who have some playmaking acumen (Jak, Olynyk, Porter). Chris has one more year on his deal and we'll see what they do with him in the summer. He's clearly worthy of a bench energy-guy role somewhere and deserves that kind of opportunity, wherever it might be.     

 

Thaddeus Young - C

 

When Poeltl got hurt the first time in the season (Siakam stepping on his ankle in Golden State), the team really had no backup center option at the time. Coach Darko decided to dust off Thaddeus, who was always undersized to play the 5 to begin with... but most importantly: had played 33 total NBA minutes to that point all season and oh yeah is also 35 freaking years old.

But something funny happened: Young actually played pretty well. Defensively maybe not... he's still too old, short and lacking verticality to protect the rim whatsoever... but offensively his sound positioning, crisp passing and general veteran savvy was a considerable positive. And he kept it going more or less for a fourteen game stretch before being traded with Schroder to the Nets (Thad was quickly flipped onto the Suns bench and back into not playing much). 

This fourteen game run, where he played no less than fifteen minutes in any game, was even more impressive when you consider it began with the LA back to back where he played fifty-two minutes between those games in the span of less than 24 hours... tripling the total number of minutes he'd played all season to that point. Good veterans just know how to stay ready, don't they.

 

Precious Achiuwa - C

 

Has been much better in New York than under Darko's system, which might not be surprising. With the Knicks he can simplify things: be a switchy strong defensive power forward rather than the high playmaking hub Darko prefers from his bigs. Achiuwa also hitting in New York? Yeah but the OG trade remains a positive for the Raptors (a win for both! How novel): they needed to change the roster desperately, and while you can argue Toronto might've gone too far in the other direction that now athletic 6'9 defensive forwards are precisely what they lack... well... 

 

Dennis Schroder -- C

 

A softball friend of mine (who legitimately coaches basketball and so knows lightyears more about the game than I) successfully convinced me Schroder was a genuinely astute replacement for Fred VanVleet, and immediately after this Dennis balled out for Germany in the FIBA World Cup. 

It's easy to say now how it obviously wasn't ever going to work (can anybody in this starting lineup shoot?) but I'm willing to give the front office some slack on this one. FVV leaving might've blindsided them (and allowing him to leave for nothing is... not great) and so signing Schroder, a proven vet, made some sense. As we quickly learned, FIBA is different and so NBA Schroder is an excellent luxury when he's your first guard off the bench. As a starter? The warts do not dawdle. 

It's a little strange they got absolutely nothing back for him at the deadline (unless you count the privilege of paying Spencer Dinwiddie a few million bucks to play for the Lakers) but it seems fairly obvious he just wasn't a fit for either the roster or the organization. He was a good interview on The Raptors Show though... friendly and very professional. Not a great player as a Rap, but I do wish him well wherever his next stop may be (he's only 30ish and at this rate, he might play for every NBA team...)     

 

Garrett Temple - C

 

Speaking of good veterans knowing how to stay ready. Temple's days as an quality NBA rotation player are long behind him, but he still played perfectly fine, intelligent ball when thrust into action among the chaos that all the injuries created. This Raptors team was so stupidly shorthanded technically Temple was playing centre for significant stretches near the end... and while Garrett is significantly taller than me I'm confident I could comfortably high-five the man.

Clearly a smart dude (president of the player's union and all), very sharp dresser, honest interview (his replacing Schroder as the Raptors Show weekly player interview was quite delightful... Dennis was fine and honest but Garrett? He's got some stories man... Absolute charmer.

Then most of all... after Kyle Lowry left I never thought there would ever be a Raptors player older than me again. Thank you Garrett Temple! I'm sure this is not an accolade he'd like very much but nevertheless! I can't realistically contemplate these kind of things for much longer... 

Actually, there is a funny segment on the Raptors Show podcast where Will Lou asks Temple if he can name the top ten oldest NBA players (Garrett is 4th), which Temple handles with humour, class and legit curiousity trying to think of the list. An extremely worthwhile vet to have in the room, especially during a crazy season like this was. I'm hopeful the organization keeps him around in someway... I mean the dude is clearly thoughtful but most of all: knows a stylish suit. He has to be a broadcaster at some point, lets make it here.             

 

 

Gary Trent Jr. - C

 

Trent Jr. has confounded me for a few seasons now and I think I've seen enough. His three point shooting and ability to create his own shot? Undeniably above average. But it seems like his focus comes and goes, especially on the defensive end where he only appears capable of being a good defender for a twelve game stretch every season. Combine that with how his performance completely goes into the gutter when he comes off the bench, and you're really stuck with a one dimensional guy. By all accounts he's a cool dude (those outfits, man) and his dad is an absolutely hilarious interview (just listen to him explain how/why he named all his sons some form of "Gary", like Grayson, Garyson... for real). However, I think we're at the point this is what the oldest Trent Jr. is.   

And then, naturally during the horrible losing streak? Trent Jr. by all accounts just handles his business and plays like a professional. Terrific efforts in a doomed situation. There's so much up and down... and I like the man a helluva lot more than the player... I've gone from cutting bait eagerly to... this is the kind of guy we need to keep. Not at any price... and we'll see how it shakes out on that front. Somehow, I've turned. Won't break my heart if they move on, but I would be pleased if they brought him back. This was inconceivable two months ago.

 

Ochai Agbaji - C-

 

In theory, the package makes sense, and on a team where nobody plays defense (except Barnes and Poeltl) Agbaji fits. The real questions are whether he can guard up to bigger wings (he's 'only' 6'5) and if he can hit threes enough to make teams respect him on the other end. He's gonna have to figure that out sooner than later... as a complete non scoring threat there's only so much time on the court reasonably available. I haven't seen enough juice to convince me he's simply a shorter Andre Roberson. 

Still pretty young and has the lottery pick pedigree. If he turns into a poor man's Alex Caruso type of guard, strong and capable enough of guarding small forwards... I think you'd have to be overjoyed. Insanely overjoyed. But there are several jumps he'll have to take. This current version just won't cut it on the rotation of a good team.      

Jordan Nwora - C-

Another one dimensional offensive player. Has bizarre shooting form but can hit his shots now and again, which when that happens can give an NBA bench a quality boost. Unfortunately, Nwora is a shooting guard in a forward's body, and he doesn't bring any of those skills (rebounding, defense, wing playmaking) whatsoever. An offense starved meh team would love him as a 7th/8th guy. That ain't here (some defense would be nice).

Nwora will be 26 next season and his fit for regular minutes on a good NBA team is extremely dubious. He's got enough to continue carving out a career and best of luck to him... just don't see that fit making much sense here.   

 

Bruce Brown - D+

 

Picked things up a bit once Barnes was gone... as Brown playing more of a ball handling guard role (like he did off Denver's bench) seemed to agree with him more than the "Swiss Army whatever knife" they were doing with him before. Certainly was one of the team's best players during the 15 game losing streak, which is saying absolutely nothing of substance. 

Brown is still a useful NBA player but put me in the camp of "get something for this guy, like why hasn't this yet happened". That 22 million dollar salary makes no sense on this particular Raptors team if they keep him and pick up that option. Decline it and then sign-and-trade? Nothing wrong with having him around, he's younger than you think... but he really just isn't what they need.  

 

Jahmi'us Ramsey - D+

 

Showed some defensive ability, but really couldn't shoot at all to save his life. If you're a 6'3 guard you've got to show a little more on that end than that. The era of Michael Currys being able to carve an NBA living is long over. There might be a player in there somewhere, and it's hardly his fault the Raptors didn't win a single game he played... alas.  

Malik Williams -- D+

I only remember the Minnesota game. He was a big body, did the best he could considering 12 hours earlier he wasn't even in the freaking organization.

 

Javon Freeman-Liberty -- D

Really want to like this guy, and the possibility of a bench scoring combo guard isn't that nuts. But admit it... he wasn't very good. I'd like to keep him around... but recall the fact he was starting for a team that at the end had lost 18 of their previous 20 games. He's fringey and there's quite a ways to go.

Malachi Flynn - D

You can't say he didn't get his chances. For whatever reason, it just never clicked. The shooting, the ability to run a team, the defense. None of it ever translated for a significant enough period of time. It is rather telling he finished the year on that putrid Pistons squad and couldn't get regular minutes there either. I imagine he's off to Europe or G-League limbo at this point. 

And then he dropped a 50 piece! The most statistically unlikely 50 point game that may have ever been (and he scored 0 points the next game)... but good on him. 

Mouhamadou Gueye -- D-

Don't recall much of what he did beyond an awesome dunk... but geez the numbers say he was real bad. He played 11 games for the Raptors and they won none of them.

 

Jalen McDaniels -- F

 

You can take the player out of Charlotte but you can't take the Charlotte out of the player. McDaniels seems to exist in his own bubble on an NBA court. He sees the other players, both teammate and foe, but doesn't acknowledge their existence. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but as a player he's impressively clueless. Surely one of the worst Raptors... an absolute driver of losing... that I've ever seen get semi-regular minutes. Has any team in franchise history given such predictable opportunity to a player so actively disruptive to winning ball? Astonishing how simply dreadful McDaniels was.

 

Jontay Porter -- F

 

For a while it was an absolutely great story, and his stretch shooting/passing big man skillset seemed good enough to possibly give him a fruitful NBA career. 

But dude... come on.   

 

       

                   

               

        

This Week In Pizza: The Kensington Market Adventure Triple Feature

 

Toronto's Kensington Market, after many decades, still holds serve as one of the most interesting and diverse neighbourhoods in the entire city. Maybe some of the previous free-ranging spirit has been lost, with multiple big brand stores and low-rise condos springing up uncomfortably in the close-as-possible adjacent area... but even now in 2024 a stroll through Kensington still gives a sensation unlike any other area in all of Toronto.

In my experience, I associate the market more with vintage clothing shops or little smelly-in-the-best-way food markets than anything else (if you don't get a wiff of something strongly cheesy or fishy during your visit, you're doing it wrong). Of course, there are some damn fine restaurants in Kensington as well and pizza is no exception to that. Indeed, still the only time I've tried Via Mercanti was their Kensington location... but this article is more about the pizza slice options to be found in the extravaganza that is this, or rather that this is. Which is more correct? I don't know! So lets jump right into pizza: it's a Kensington Market Triple Pizza Slice Extravaganza! (now with extra 'ganza').

 

Frank Ranalli's Pizza and Italian Beef

 

 

The newest spot of the three, Frank Ranalli's took over the old spot of Mare Pizza (which I never tried) on the south side of Baldwin Street between Augusta and Kensington Avenues. I only mention the 'Italian Beef' part of their title because they double as a hot dog joint! That particular combination must be a first in my experience: plenty of small pizza joints will also offer wings... many others some kind of burger... and very authentic ones (or those attempting to pretend) will provide a decent cold cut sandwich or pasta option. But hot dogs? As the poster running mate? Truly a new one. Fascinating.

This is clearly a straightforward pepperoni slice without anything fancy... do they pull it off? Answer: indeed they do. Nothing about the flavour is particularly new or exciting, but often something 'reliable done well' is all you need to hit the right spot... and the nicely light, crisp texture helps drive those classic components home.

For a thin slice it is deceptively cheesy, the pepperoni has some nice sting to it, and while I'd have preferred considerably more tomato sauce presence that is genuinely a 'me' thing (but seriously a little more would've been swell). It isn't terribly greasy either, and is a good enough size to land right between the sweet spot of snack and seriously filling.

Overall... really nice slice! Not reinventing the wheel but it is good to see more pizzas and especially slices akin this on the Toronto pizza scene. The more quality slice spots, the better. 

Plus, they played "See No Evil" by Television. Nobody ever plays Television anywhere! Well, in rare cool spots obviously... but regardless I approved. 

I'll hand out my grades to all three joints at the end, for now we move onwards and upwards, not forwards. Backwards, not forwards...

 

Pizzeria Da Mario

 

 

...and always twirling, twirling towards freedom...

First off, the answer is "yes, they do have a mural of Super Mario on their wall." These are the important questions. Crucial.

 

Pizzeria Da Mario is beloved by Google Reviews (4.8/5!) and my dear friend/longtime occasional pizza companion, who lives fairly closeby to da Mario, was indeed curious what my impression of them would be.

The vibe inside the place is bare and and unassuming: white tiles, few decorative frills, bright ceiling lights (ever the more noticeable in such a white coloured space), plenty of those type of plastic tables you find in the corners of fast food restaurants... it really is a very specific type of feel. 

It conjures what exactly your classic last night pizza slice spot would look like. In some ways it even reminded me of the long gone but still legendary Big Slice right at Gerrard and Yonge... only without the decades of grease turning the white tiles yellow and the inevitable shady characters milling about in the back (although Da Mario is open until 3am most nights, so...)

Once again I went simple and got a pepperoni slice, although (and I'm still unsure if this was a split second, in-moment blunder) when given the option for additional stuff/seasonings on the slice such as chili flakes, garlic powder etc... I said yes. I never do that! At least not when reviewing something, or when eating a pizza that doesn't desperately need such an injection of anything resembling flavour. So whoops on me.

 

 

Whereas Frank Ranalli's had a firm, crisp foundation... Da Mario here is way, way more of a flopper. I was indeed warned of this, but even after letting it cool, folding the slice, all the usual tricks... this is a real tricky one to transfer successfully from hand to mouth, especially those initial bites. 

As such it is very different than its Kensington Market neighbour, and not only in texture. Rather than the tiny crispy cups of pepperoni, this is more of a thinly sliced salami. Both can be excellent though I do think in this case, I prefer Da Mario's. Really some nice flavour in this pepperoni, not fatty, kind of a hidden little heat kick that sneaks in, and it is generously plentiful. This and the tomato sauce, which unlike Ranalli's you can taste much more of here, are the two strongest aspects of this pizza.

The cheese is fine... very much on the gooey side, and the texture of the crust is merely okay and not memorable beyond being kinda soft. It's impossible not to compare these two slices since they are merely two blocks from another, I got the exact same slice from both, and it was also the exact same day... maybe an hour apart. As such, their distinct differences from one another stood out even more... their notable positives not at all shared. Who will prevail? Well, still one place more to go before the final verdicts. 

 

Fresca Pizza and Pasta

 

 

Does anyone remember Massimo's Pizza? Without looking it up, I'm about 98.7 percent confident they was the former occupant of this fine little corner spot on Robert and College Street. We're talking like maybe fifteen to eighteen years ago here... and I only just remembered that detail because one time near the end of my teen years I having a slice at Massimo's during one of the first times I'd sampled a certain magical kind of fung... hmmm yeah maybe that's a tale I'll keep bottled up for now.

Whenever Massimo's left, Fresca moved in and has been on this corner for easily over a decade now. They were a reliable cheap lunch option in my UofT days, and I was delighted to see how several years later their prices have remained relatively the same (about 4.50-5 bucks now for a slice... back then I wanna say it was about 3.50). It'd been maybe five years since I last tried them and aside from a brief blurb in the First Pizza Quest, I've never really gone deeper into what makes them what they are.

This is a much adored pizza joint by many pizza lovers in Toronto, and while I am a harsher critic than most (pizza matters be serious matters, he writes at 5am with beer in hand) Fresca is an extremely easy place to like. No frills atmosphere (the kind with a TV in the corner always on CP24), good prices, big slices (I swear they're somehow always fresh) and most importantly of all: that goddamn garlic rub. A true necessity. 

 

 

I was there around 4pm on a Friday and the place was really busy. Like, 'nowhere to sit inside' type of busy (and they have plenty of tables) so I grabbed a spot on this bench directly outside their door. Almost immediately, another dude with a fresh slice sat on the same bench (politely asking first if that was cool) which while fine also made me rather self conscious as I took these photos. "I actually write reviews, I swear!" screamed myself in my mind out to nobody in particular.

Enough existential doom, we're talking pizza here for crying out loud. Surely the greatest cure I can think of for that malady. Like I said, it was pre-pandemic since I last tried Fresca, and while the world has changed it's comforting to discover this pizza has not. It's still as goddamn oily as ever, and I couldn't even get as much of the garlic rub on here as I would've liked. Previously the person serving the slice would ask ("oh goodness yes" is the only answer) and then apply it for you. Now? A self-serve jar alongside the other seasonings... unsurprisingly there was little left.

The thing with Fresca's pizza, and maybe I mentioned this back in 2018... but the reason this isn't close to a top pizza in Toronto for me is because all of the basic elements are extremely ordinary. I love the reality of what they are far more than the actual product. It's pretty much exactly how I feel about Chito's Pizza: shawarma and sauce spread all over a pizza slice is pretty damn awesome, but the actual pizza itself is extremely meh. Likewise with Fresca, that garlic rub is such a floor raiser it can be hard to separate it from the true quality of the pie.

Fresca though, at its base core, is a considerably better pizza than Chito's. I think Fresca really is about as good as a one dimensional pizza can possibly be: every flavour is consistent, there's some pepperiness to the pepperoni, a good amount of cheese, kind of a lighter tasting dough that doesn't get crusty or dry once cooled... plus that crust is especially useful to nibble upon when the greasier, cheesier bites of the slice come through. The tomato sauce doesn't factor in much here and tasting it solo... it's entirely decent, a step above generic. Also a bit on the chunky side, and I wonder if I ever were to order a full pizza from there and requested extra tomato sauce... curious how that would play. 

If this were a weaker pizza, the general flavour of it (every bite without the garlic tastes exactly the same) would become tedious, particularly once cold. Fresca is just good enough to avoid this: no bite ever excites beyond initial relief from hunger, and it remains entirely solid and tasty throughout. Beyond the oiliness, which is a lot but not to the point of ruining anything, its rather hard to describe much more about the pizza itself because really good is easy to write about, really bad is even easier. Reliable tasty competence? Huh.  

It's really all floor and no ceiling, but it's a good floor. Now that I'm over 150 Toronto pizzas into my madness-I-mean pizza tasting tour, it was genuinely pleasant to try Fresca again, realize they still haven't changed and also that I happily still enjoy them.             

 

Overalls!

 

I am leaning towards liking Frank Ranalli's the most of the three, but its stupidly close between them and Pizzeria Da Mario. Both are terrific, and while I think neither is a place I'd currently put out there as a "seriously go try this ASAP", they are knocking on the door from a slight tier below. 

As for Fresca... this was a worthwhile re-evaluation. They are a place difficult to be objective about: the pizza is merely fine-to-good, but I love that they continue to go on strong (and clearly remain busy at that). They're still a step below the other two places here in the triple feature, and yet Fresca is probably the one I'd be most curious for people to try if they haven't yet. A low-key Toronto pizza legend sneakily growing. 

Have some grades!

 

Frank Ranalli's -- (B) but a strong 'B'

Pizzeria Da Mario (B) likewise above

Fresca (B-) 

     

                          

The Tuesday Taste - Lambo's Deli

 

 

And I don't wanna be

an old man anymore

It's been a year or two

since I was out on the floor

Shaking booty

making sweet love all the night

It's time I got back

to the good life 

 

Another Tuesday... another Taste!

 

This week we're checking out another west-end Toronto import into the eastern side of town and yes it's another sandwich. Lambo's Deli started out as a tiny little sandwich shop and grocery on Dundas Street West near Trinity Bellwoods, with co-owners Justin Leon and Cristobal Bascunan initially focusing more on the specialty grocer aspect of the small business. 

As it turned out, their in-house sub sandwiches became the huge attraction and the little corner shop could not keep up with the demand of hungry customers. The duo needed a larger space to churn out these tasty missiles, and so looked to the corner of Greenwood and Queen East (the same spot the original Mira Mira cafe once was) as the expansion of their operation. In late 2023 they opened this second location, likewise wrapped around a street corner (it really gives a place a distinctive look). 

The 'slightly' larger spot (it ain't exactly a warehouse) is much more ably focused on the food prep and sandwich providing over the grocery element... which is indeed still there along the sides. Sparse, but present and memorable: some unusual sodas and and various jars of sauces and... other things (my precision is legendary). 

Here's where I come in. I biked there on a cloudy Tuesday about twenty minutes before 4pm when they close (apparently they've since adjusted that to be 7pm everyday now... thanks a lot I blew a flat that day getting there in time, grumble grumble worst episode ever).

 

 

Flat tires (%*&@#%*!$%!!) aside, I arrived with a comfortable amount of minutes to spare and ordered the first sandwich option atop their menu: the Italian Trio. Sounds like a mediocre mid 2000s heist movie, sure... but here is what this more intriguing, sandwich version Italian Trio is about: Three sliced meats in soppressata, prosciutto and mortadella; a spicy red chili spread, fresh mozzarella, arugula, roasted red peppers, an olive oil/faint pesto smearing at the bottom, and some thick pickled red onions spread throughout.      

 

 

Is that upside down? Who knows... does it matter? But you can see all those distinctive ingredients within. Especially notable, and do look closely, are those three meats. The lighter coloured mortadella dominates the picture in the centre, but sandwiching it within a sandwich (whoaaa maan) is that layer of the darker soppressata on top and the wonderfully translucent prosciutto below. That significant ratio of mortadella to the other two dominates the visual sense, but the flavours of all three do shine through.

Which is truly the highest feature of this Lambo's sub sandwich: every ingredient of it has a distinct presence. The three meats sing their harmony, you get a sharp, bitter pepperiness from the arugula (boosted by that pesto-olive oil), a sweet oniony-yet-soft crunch from those thick red pickled bits (truly the hero here), a more loose earthy sweetness from the red peppers, a hint of spice not to be underestimated from the chili spread (at the bottom of the picture below the prosciutto), and last but not least an incredibly soft watery mozzarella that's low on flavour but perfect on gentle light cheesy texture... a middle neutral ground for all these distinct tastes to cross paths and work together.

It's an exceptional sub sandwich. It works so well for all the reasons I just described, but there are two things I want to mention in further detail. First: the bread. Frankly... wasn't blown away. Rather crusty on the outside and while it did a crewman's job of keeping it all together... well... 

 

   

Keep it wrapped up is my advice. That thing is so compressed via its engineering it might leap out and nibble you for lunch should you unleash it in this way. Anyhow, the bread was merely meh to me (I'd have preferred something softer, although that risks the whole sandwich getting soggy which thankfully this never did... so they probably know what they're doing).

The second thing I want to discuss are the three meats. They are all pork of course, but are very different styles of cold cut pork and that difference really shines through here. Mortadella I am barely familiar with and from my research it is usually a bologna-like slice with fatty cube-like bits spread within... here on this Lambo's sub it fit that description but lacking the cubes of fat (which I appreciate). It tasted like a less sweet, fattier ham.

Soppressata I know very well... often I've bought it in full log form for home made pizzas (which seeing as I do not own a slicer, results in some very thick cuts for this fairly chewy meat). Fortunately, Lamo's does possess a slicer (it'd be rather odd for a deli not to) and their very thinly sliced soppressata really works on this sub. It's a firm texture, much saltier, some slight spice... compared to the straightforward mortadella as a cold cut base it's a fantastic contrast. 

Then, the prosciutto. Compared with soppressata, prosciutto is a likewise salty sliced meat but the key difference is texture: one makes itself known on the tongue and lingers in the mouth while the other (prosciutto) almost melts upon contact. Good prosciutto is one of my very favourite things: perfect upon an already freshly cooked pizza, or stacked in a cold sandwich, or layered within a salad (now that's how you win friends with salad) or as an all-star accompaniment with cheese and crackers. What a treat it is, and you do get a good taste of it in this sub. You have to seek it somewhat amidst the other very powerful flavours, but it is there. Interestingly, on this particular sub it was layered adjacent to the chili pepper spread... salty delicate thinly sliced fatty pork with a robust earthy spice. which was frankly a delicious combination.

 

----

 

Overall! Lambo's Leslieville was great! I would've preferred a different type of bread for the sub, but I'm really damn picky with bread and as it was the bun was serviceable. Everything else was damn fantastic. Not only a great combination of ingredients, mixing so many flavourful elements... but the layering in which they chose to construct this needs to be acknowledged. They didn't just throw a bunch of stuff together... there's genuine thought and skill involved here. The spreads top and bottom, the layered meats in perfect order (the least punchy one in the middle), sweet onions with sweet peppers for crunch and softness, and arugula because apparently they can read my mind (I goddamn love arugula).

Part of me suspects this is easily their most complex sandwich, which indeed they pulled off with exception but I do wonder how the simpler options hold up. Whether few flavours results in a more basic product, or that those fewer flavours shine brighter with more of the spotlight. If they resemble this particular entry, I imagine I'll enjoy them just fine. Slightly fresher bread is all I hope for, but the rest tasted like delicious dynamite.   

 

Vizzy Vreview

 

 

With warmer weather washing away wicked Winter worries (word), the season for being outside and enjoying a sparkling beverage or two is nearly upon us.

Don't worry, this is not a paid advert. They haven't gotten to me! (yet). Actually, we sell these two Vizzy drinks at the gig that does pay me (money and everything, none of those fun bucks). Even in the colder months these Vizzys were incredibly popular, especially concerts with younger crowds (like, "geez you were born the year I graduated high school" young when you check their IDs). As a reviewer of many things, naturally I was curious why these were so popular... and so I nabbed a couple cans of the same flavours we sell at the arena and gave them a try. Here are my brief notes:        

- Strawberry Orange Mimosa: smells very champagney/prosecco-like... taste more strawberry than anything else... thinner and way less citrusy than your classic mimosa but I see the appeal.

- Blueberry Pomegranate: some berry taste and tartness, though very initial and the sweetness fades fast. 

No wonder these are popular... the taste never lingers. And since they are so light in texture, you want more and could probably finish one in three minutes if so determined. Because they are malt-alcohol based (like White Claw), you get that type of aftertaste in the back of your mouth that has gradually made me mostly avoid those type of seltzers. I never much cared for Diet Coke/Pepsi either and the lingering sensation is similar. 

Still, if I had to pick one it would definitely be the Mimosa. Good combination of flavours and I could see myself trying another sometime in the future.   

Mac and Cheese Cheese Off

 

An article comparing the various store bought mac n' cheeses on the market, both frozen and packaged? Sure why not.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/we-tried-20-store-bought-mac-and-cheese-brands-to-determine-which-is-the-best-and-the-absolute-worst?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us

The 2024 Toronto Blue Jays

Dark Side of The Moon

Since it's all anyone was talking about yesterday...

Tuesday Tune

 

I'm rather surprised that throughout the eighty or so of these Tuesday reviews I've done, not once have I featured this particular band for the weekly tune. Like many, I find their discography absurdly uneven... ranging from iconic and excellent to awkward Top 40 chasing dreck. Well, this song is off an album that was so notoriously panned at the time, it sent Rivers Cuomo out of the music industry completely and to Harvard for a significant period. Thankfully, general consensus came around. 

 

 

 

That's all for this week! Until next time... stay cool, hopefully that eclipse didn't blind you (with all those damn clouds I doubt that was possible) and most important of all! Don't spill that mustard.      

 

 

The Tuesday Taste - Harry's Charbroiled

 

 

I got swept up in a world so strange

One you'd never even recognize

Oh, but I slipped away

Now I'm a stranger and I don't know why

It's killin' me

but your words

They brought me out onto steady ground

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! Pay no attention to that ketchup packet hiding on a napkin in the background there... I assure you all it was not used on this appealing looking meal. Such a crime would revoke my expert food reviewing credentials... yes. That's the one. 

 

So while I am notoriously a Pizza Guy (hey, no complaints, there are many worse things to be associated with)... a damn good cheeseburger can be on the same level as a damn good pizza to me. It's that similarly simple combination of flavour, texture, satisfying aftertastes, secondary ingredients... what's not to like?

For me, a lot! Okay lets be specific: for me at seven years old it was a lot to not like. One night, a family member (I'll preserve honour by not mentioning who) fried me a burger that instantly made me extremely ill. Hey, when you're a kid... being sick to that degree is extremely memorable. You can bounce off walls and fall from twelve feet high swings like a rubber ball feeling totally fine, but when your stomach betrays you? It's like your entire world is collapsing in brutal slow motion. 

Because of this incident, I didn't eat a hamburger from the ages of probably 7-12, maybe slightly before. No joke! Seriously... I had such a negative association with burgers that it became a hard 'no' from me anytime the possibility arose (this also possibly explains my disdain/lack of enthusiasm for anything McDonald's, dear therapist reader). The only exception was likely In-N-Out Burger when I'd visit family in California every summer... but that merely proves young me wasn't an idiot for refusing one of the greatest burgers ever conceived. 

Obviously I came back around and once over the hump I used to love getting Whopper Jr's for like two bucks when in junior high at Jesse Ketchum (RIP both the old Burger King at Yonge/Charles and the two dollar Whopper Jr... it's probably like six now). 

This is a (typically) roundabout way of me describing a strange history with cheeseburgers and hamburgers in general. Pizza truly holds the key to my heart and that love has never been in doubt, but even making up for lost time I still know a mighty damn fine cheeseburger when I see one.

 

---

 

While very new to the east end of Toronto, Harry's Charbroiled is not whatsoever new to the Toronto burger scene, or being a restaurant in general. At first I knew of them just as a retro restaurant concept devised by renowned chef Grant van Gameren (famously of Black Hoof, Bar Isabel and Bar Raval), that was initially based out of Parkdale but had to vacate that spot because operating a restaurant anywhere in Toronto at anytime seems freaking impossible for infinity reasons. 

Thankfully (when editing this) I dug slightly deeper to discover this presumed backstory was not correct! Or rather, slightly incorrect. 

The original Harry's was indeed a diner/burger joint in west Parkdale but van Gameran bought it in 2016 from one of the founding owners Tommy Petropoulos... with both the intention of continuing to sling high quality diner burgers and the harsh realization this was a temporary venture considering the rapid development/gentrification of the area. Petropoulos and his brothers in fact first opened the place in that same location back in 1968(!). Under van Gameran's stewardship (he'd been a fan and local of the place previously) they ran strong for a few more years (with some modern hipster tweaks naturally) but the inevitable axe did finally fall in 2019. The Toronto Star wrote about it at the time (I am indeed paraphrasing much of that piece) and it's a good read if you're interested.

Anyhow... this was surely the end of Harry's, right? Not so! They remained alive as a food truck and limited pop-up in other restaurants during those rough COVID-19 times, which proved successful enough to eventually birth a Prince Edward County location in 2022. The public desire and interest persisted, and so last year (2023) Harry's expanded back into Toronto... only this time claiming an east end home at Coxwell and Eastwood where a grimy Coffee Time once was. Which is where I come in.

 

---

 

I'll get to the burger in a second but this is a perfect excuse to mention just how goofy this area of east Toronto is. The easiest way to describe where Harry's is would be: "Coxwell and Gerrard", done. But that's not completely accurate because this is the exact point where the street named Gerrard turns into Eastwood for whatever reason, with the 505 streetcar also curving north to avoid Eastwood like it has lice (Eastwood, brief as such, is actually a nice street)... only for the 505 to turn east immediately on the next block: a quiet one way street called Fairford Avenue which then transforms into Gerrard East and expands into a major street. Follow me? A street suddenly stops, changes its name, only to begin again a block north as it steals the route of another street. Toronto is hilarious (just watch what Dundas West does) and hey since Harry's is on the north-east corner of this intersection... technically they're located at Coxwell and Eastwood, not Gerrard.

Confused? Welcome to my world. Thankfully, this was an area I frequently wandered through during the lonelier days of the pandemic (as in, 99.8 percent of them). Honestly, I saw they were opening there well before anything online alerted me. Go me? 

Whatever. It's hard to miss exactly where they are, seeing as they're on the corner, have a memorably colourful exterior and a big "Harry's Charbroiled" facade that curves around the corner. Once inside (and the interior is very basic yellow and white, like a minimalist 50s diner without any neon lights) I was very tempted by the chorizo burgers they offer. Frankly I was curious what a chorizo burger in this fashion would taste like, especially the "green" one, but wanted a more straightforward introduction, and so I went with a 'Classic Jane' (no onions) with fries and a side of their 'Harry's Sauce'

 

      

Steak fries! Nice surprise, I speak no lies. Damn rhymes. 

Dear reader you have no idea how much it pleased me to see such thick cut beauties alongside my burger. Potatoes sliced into such straight-line girth is itself a rarity, but the result being something truly amazingly delicious? Like, delicious to the point that the side dipping sauce I purchased was an unfair obstruction to the tastiness of these fries? Pardon my rhyme, but I speak no lies. 

The notorious problem with thick cut/steak fries is how the slightest bit of sogginess ruins the whole show. The exterior crisp, seasoning, general texture to a thick fry is so crucial... you want that big fluffy soft potato inside but also that precious golden outer layer. Harry's nails this: the ends of these fries were delightfully crunchy, while those thicker middles firmly full of that fluffy goodness. Truly exceptional fries, even once cooled. Hell of an initial impression.

The dip was a side of 'Harry's Sauce' which while quite a nice sauce (like a chunky tartar sauce meets sweetness) was not really an ideal compliment for fries. As their version of a 'secret sauce' on a burger or sandwich? Absolutely. Besides, clearly I underestimated these fries going in. No dip required... almost... maybe a thick cheese sauce side like the old Toby's at Yonge and Bloor had with their steak fries way back in the day. Someone reading this must know what I'm talking about.   

 

      

This was a precipitous photo to take, as you can see.

Smashed burgers of this nature tend to be fairly messy by their, um... nature. If done poorly, it would be overcooked and burnt crunchy around the edges, oozing with unpleasant grease. 

This is very much the opposite of that: you taste nothing but the flavourful beef throughout, the outer texture is perfectly even with all that's within, it is seasoned perfectly (not too much but its there without a doubt) and there's a constant satisfying juiciness. In other words... flawless. Love at first sight, even.

In that same Toronto Star article Petropoulos mentions how he likes to keep burgers simple, the basics (tomato, lettuce, cheese, pickle) are classics for a reason (I still like mayo though). Indeed, I was greatly impressed by the simplicity of this burger revealing so much dynamic flavour on each bite. The tender, precisely salted tender beef dominates the taste (as it should) but each of the other elements get a turn as well. Plenty of pickles, crunchy lettuce, juicy tomato... what a wonderful messy, sloppy combo of decisive tastes... and they linger! I was still pleasantly enjoying the aftertaste of this in my mouth several minutes after that final bite... which was nothing lesser than the first or the middle. What a delight start to finish. 

 

---

 

Overall! Clearly they're terrible don't go. No seriously, they're great and do go. 

Since it was my first time and the intention was for a review, I went for that simple cheeseburger to gauge their baseline of quality. Thing is, Harry's also have these red or green chorizo burgers (a leftover from the old Parkdale days, when there it was a breakfast option) with pineapple and or jalapeno on it... I am extremely intrigued. From what I experienced, just really fantastic, satisfying, and tasty all the way through. 

The legendary Shake Shack is supposed to open a permanent Toronto location in the near future (I'm sure those lineups will be entirely reasonable and accessible) and while I have been fortunate enough to try the Shack in the US a couple of times... whenever they join the Toronto burger scene I'd be curious to measure them up against Harry's here, or Rudy. Harry's Charbroiled? Genuinely one of the best cheeseburgers I've enjoyed in a very long time. Shame I never made it to the original Parkdale spot. Again, worth a trip to check them out.      

----

 

April FoologTo

 

This is like punching down at this point (he says from a decade-old blog) but a general consensus would surely say the utility of BlogTo as anything resembling useful information has been long drowned out in corporate algorithm click-bait chasing. And if you're wondering: no I have never written for them nor would I want to without significant creative license. So yeah, not happening.

I do peek in occasionally on the site anyhow, curious if they're reviewed an interesting new restaurant I don't know or to see how many of their recent 'top 40 pizzas' I've tried (last list I was 36/40). If you're reading this on the publication date (Tuesday April 2nd) yesterday was of course April Fools Day. Hahaha a good day for silly pranks or to shake up a Duff beer so much it causes a catastrophic explosion. 

BlogTo, or at least one particular writer (who penned all of this), decided to partake in this exercise with a catchy but obviously false positive story about Toronto designed to catch eyes... raise hopes about something awesome but just ultimately a "gotcha, April Fools you idiot". Lame work indeed (a better joke would be to write something absurdly but believably bad and then pull the rug that way... neither approach is good or remotely funny, but at least the punchline is relief instead of disappointment for those actually fooled). 

Cringey stuff, but! It didn't stop at one joke story. No... BlogTo posted several of these, all at the same time... ranging from the SkyDome slashing food prices, to a second CN Tower being built, to whatever the hell because there were a literal handful of these and why the hell would you do this? What is the point of having eight straight articles on your site that are all the same pointless fake joke? And told in extensive detail and completely straight without any wink at the camera? Are you auditioning for The Beaverton or The Onion... because it's only kind of "haha I get it" funny the first time. Several articles that are equally stupid and pointless within the spirit of the same one-way joke? I don't understand how anybody thought this was clever so many times.

I'm only mentioning this not because as a reviewer of Toronto things it bothers me with its casual fraudulence (BlogTo wins any battle of casual fraudulence)... it offends my comedic sensibilities! One bad joke is an eye roller. If that same bad joke immediately repeats itself gets you groaning and shifting in your seat. Still doing it again and again? And again, and again, and again, and again... that's not a well timed running gag you laugh about and share with friends over some beers, it's an affront to the very notion of comedy.  

So yeah. Stupid rant on an extremely stupid subject. Carry on.

        

Why I Love Baseball

 

Tao of Stieb, as he occasionally and poetically does, writes an ode to the game and fandom itself of the Toronto Blue Jays of 2024. I'm still not particularly all in on their chances myself, but bah humbug I'll change my tune when Joey Votto arrives. 

His worthwhile piece is linked below. Even if you don't follow sports, it well describes the romanticism us fans and casual players feel building in our souls once April comes around. Maybe this is the year, maybe this is our summer.      

 

Tuesday Tune

 

It's a War On Drugs! But the good kind, not the blindly punishing kind (quite the opposite). They're playing my summer job later this year, and they rule. Here's a wicked tune:

 

  

That's all for another week! Until another week from now, stay safe, stay cool or warm (whichever you prefer) and while you do so don't spill that mustard.

 

    

This Week In Pizza: SlowSouth Pizza

 

 

 

Not to be confused with 'Slowhand' in the east end, SlowSouth (yes the second 'S' is capitalized but it's still all one word) is another new-ish pizza slice joint on the stretch of Dundas Street West between Dufferin and Lansdowne.  

According to their website, the two partners are from Trentino-South Tyrol and Calabria respectively... two regions of Italy I definitely had to Google Map to discover they are on opposite ends of the country (apologizes to my Italian friends). It is curious since the place is named Slow"South" and yet one of those regions is the furthest north of the country (Calabria is down south on the Mediterranean, above Sicily)... but my squad of unpaid interns inform me that the Tyrol area crosses borders and extends north into the western part of Austria. So indeed, the 'south' description applies to both. Come for the pizza reviews... stay to witness my flimsy knowledge of European geography grow!

 

 

That covers the 'South' portion, but 'Slow?' That requires less checking of Google Ma--I mean the up-to-date world atlas I keep nearby me at all times. Essentially: they take their time preparing the pies. The dough is hand prepared and cold processed for 72 hours, a fact the website mentions more than once. Indeed, the "About Us" page dedicates the good majority of their photographs to showing its preparation. 

I wandered into SlowSouth still peckish after my excellent slice from Acute just a few blocks west, and was immediately tempted to try one of the available arancinis they keep behind the counter beside the pizza slices (very clever). No, I didn't get one... and yes, I should've. 

 

 

Instead, my lonely purchase was this spicy pepperoni slice you see above: cheese, pepperoni, jalapenos. Very straightforward. Like Acute, they have a nice large window (with a counter and stools)... a perfect spot for watching the world of Dundas West drift by. 

This isn't the most distinctive pizza I've ever encountered... by virtue of its general solidness I'd almost call it boring. Almost, because its also a few notches above such an insult disguised as a compliment. Its an extremely cheesy slice (the photo perhaps suggests as such) and that element does absorb most of the tomato sauce flavour you might get. Similar to the pie at arcade bar Get Well, actually... only not quite that extreme (very good pizza but akin to eating a block of gooey mozzarella). 

It's a wood fired pie and so you get some nice char to the edges. You also get that natural floppiness, but not any of that frustrating droopiness even when as fresh as this. It's not quite as thin as your typical wood fired either: there's a bit more density than you would expect. Still a good fold-slice if that's your thing (particularly the first few bites) but not an essential measure. 

Good mozzarella, nice tasty pepperoni cups. Not really a greasy or oily slice at all, despite the pork and heavy cheese that dominate the taste. Perhaps by this (and the significant amount of jalapenos)... this slice could be a bit of a visit to Heartburn City. Watch those burps. 

No offense to their considerable dough prep, but the crust or foundation didn't stand out to me. Merely good, quite good even, but nothing exceptionally memorable. Hey... after 150+ pizzas in this town... I'm a tough one man crowd. This notion indeed encapsulates my precise thoughts on this pie: fairly above average in every way, a pleasant slice to eat, yet oddly difficult to recall in further detail. Even my notes in the moment couldn't find much else to romanticize or destroy.

 

---

 

Overall! SlowSouth makes a good pizza. They're kind of on the fringe, to me anyway, whether I'd recommend going to try them. If you happen to be walking by, definitely. Traveling across town and making an afternoon destination of it? Not quite. A couple levels below the many excellent pizzas Toronto now offers, but nevertheless the fact a place even at this 'well above respectable' level can be so short of an increasingly deep list of elite Toronto pizza, is a testament to how much that level has risen in the past decade. This is the Golden Age in both quantity, variety and quality. 

I think any neighbourhood in Toronto (like the Beaches, whose pizza scene continues to be very lacking) would be more than pleased to have a place at SlowSouth's level firing off strong quality slices at very solid pricepoints. They're in limbo between a "B/B+" to me. Damn, that waved off arancini could've been the tiebreaker. Curses! 

                   

The Tuesday Taste - California Sandwiches

 

 

And sometimes I 

just ain't in the mood

to take my place in back

with the loudmouths

You're like a picture on the fridge

that's never stocked with food

I used to live at home

now I stay in the house 

Another Tuesday, another Taste!

 

Admittedly, this was not a sandwich chain I was familiar with at all until beginning these specific Tuesday reviews.  

However, they have over a dozen locations throughout the GTA and seeing as I've reviewed much smaller chains (Blondies, San Francesco) merely as an excuse to try them... seems like it was time to give California Sandwiches it's due.

The original location (at least I think) is on quiet Claremont Street in Toronto's Little Italy, right between College and Dundas. Naturally, that is not where I went. Instead, I biked up to Warden and Eglinton to sample the fare of that outpost, hidden amidst a sprawl of parking spaces and a dozen other brand name food options. 

This did not detract from the experience of the place, surprisingly. I ordered their veal sandwich from a young lady (doubt she was older than 17) wearing a Beatles shirt, and while I was sitting by the window (daydreaming into the blandness of cookie-cutter plazas), an older fella went to order and chatted her up... in a friendly 'I'm old and like reminiscing' kind of way. He asked who her favourite Beatle was... and her confounded polite smile and reactionary "uhhhh...." brought a 'between worlds' type of grin to my face. 

Anyhow, onto the food itself. Had to go for the veal sandwich, no frills beyond the cheese included. I'm far from a veal aficionado (does it go on pizza? No? Then what is it) and I've had veal... maybe three times my entire life. Going into this, I sort of half knew what to expect while the other half was a complete open mystery space. 

What I expected: a thin, breaded, tender cut of meat... showered with sauce.

 

 

What I got: certainly that. First off, this sandwich was damn gigantic. What a gas it was to meet it. I could only eat half before wrapping it in my bag and departing. Second, and as the photo shows: a messy affair. Sauce and cheese dripping everywhere... a dangerous operation for a bearded fellow such as myself. However, these are hardly complaints at all because most crucially this was a darn tasty sandwich. 

Normally I'm not a fan of sandwiches with such a simple composition: "it's just tomato sauce, cheese and meat? Bah!". I'm a person who has put raw garlic on hotdogs... many times. California indeed does offer additional toppings on their sandwiches, like mushrooms, peppers etc at an extra price... but as a first-timer writing a review, I like to first judge the basics as best I can (unless it's pizza... then wow me with your madness). 

This sandwich is certainly simple as far as flavour goes, and that flavour is consistent throughout (the sheer amount of tomato sauce bleeds through everything, especially the hollow kaiser bun). The veal itself... again as an Unfamiliar with this I found the tight tenderness of it quite enjoyable. Not aggressively chewy (which I'd feared), subtle taste that lingers nicely, lightly juicy, and obviously the breading really helps elevate the taste and texture. A good mix of crunch (even holding up after soaked in the marinara sauce) and soft... while having the presence of the cheese, melted and dripping goo as it was... gave it a much needed extra layer to enjoy. 

It's definitely more of a texture enjoyment than a taste thing, for me anyhow. The taste is simple and done quite nicely... being basic doesn't necessarily mean it's boring. Margherita pizzas are popular for a reason, after all. With that simplicity, I really enjoyed the combination of soft, airy bun... slathered in a sharp tomatoey sauce, gooey cheese dripping about, with a tender and externally crunchy cutlet within the center of it all.

Again, as somebody very inexperienced with this type of sandwich... I liked this version of it. Not to the point of craving it again instantaneously... but certainly no regrets whatsoever. I'm sure some of you reading here who know your stuff can better comment than I upon where California stacks up in the overall world of this type of sandwich... and please let me know! I am intrigued. 

For now, all I can say is that this was pretty good... it was huge (the latter half was an excellent midnight snack) and there wasn't a whole lot to pick apart in this experience.... aside from the 17 year old in the Beatles shirt not being able to name a member of the Fab Four. I mean.... *insert shakes head meme here*. Maybe she, like everybody, had something to hide except for her and her monkey.   

 

-----

 

This Week In Star Trek

 

It's Trek Tuesday as well... two Shatners for the price of none!   

 

Tuesday Tune

 

My dad is a much bigger fan of this band than I, hell I think he even might've argued to me once that they were the best rock band of the 80s (preposterous, considering The Smiths did exist). Regardless where your tastes may lie, Tim is an absurdly great album and this 2023 remaster really gives it a bigger, clearer sound. Here's the closing track: 

That's all for this week! We're still chugging along so until next time... stay cool, be good, but most importantly of all don't spill that mustard.