Part XIV --- Undress Rehearsal
Four musicians are inside a recording studio: HAPPY, the singer; LUKAS, the guitar player; HORSE, the drummer; CANTEEN the bassist. All four have their respective instruments (HAPPY has a microphone in hand) and all are wearing jeans. FORSE is wearing an offensive t-shirt and is the grimiest in appearance of the group, while LUKAS wears classes and is the only one who is perfectly clean shaven.
HAPPY: Play it again?
FORSE: That song? Again? Really?
LUKAS: It does need a lot of work.
FORSE: Ya, it definitely needs a lot of work. Maybe that's the songs way of telling us: "I'm shit! Don't waste your time on me!"
CANTEEN: I thought it had a good baseline...
HAPPY: Quiet you. Fine, we'll work on "Stomps Romps and Chomps." Let's just hurry. We've only got an hour of studio time left and we've hardly recorded anything.
LUKAS: Actually, I'd say we've done so little today that anything we accomplished before has been unaccomplished.
HAPPY: Right! Okay Horse, get ready with the drum fill. Stomps Romps and Chomps! One two three four!
No one in the band starts playing. HAPPY looks around at them in confusion
HAPPY: You guys were supposed to start playing.
LUKAS: Really? When?
HAPPY: On four! When I count up to four, you guys start!
LUKAS: Well it's not like you said that.
FORSE: Ya! What're we supposed to do, read yer bloody mind! Gawd!
HAPPY: It's common knowledge!
CANTEEN: I knew we were supposed to start pla--
HAPPY: Quiet you! All right, on four, go! One two three--
LUKAS: Why four? Why not five, or six?
FORSE: I like the number nine, meself.
LUKAS: Maybe we won't be ready by the time four comes around! I would think the longer the count, the more time we have to get ready.
HAPPY: Fine. We'll count to six.
FORSE: Nine.
HAPPY: Whatever! Okay, here we go. One two three four five six, seven eight nine!
Once again, nobody plays
HAPPY: Now what?
LUKAS: I think nine is too long.
HAPPY: Too long? Too long?
LUKAS: Yeah. I mean, I'm standing here, tapping my foot to each count. But I think I'm like, psyching myself out or something.
FORSE: How bout twenty! That'll give ya enough time to psych yerself out, but then unpysch yerself and be ready.
LUKAS: Yeah! Let's do that.
HAPPY: I'm not counting to twenty! Okay how's this, Forse you click your drumsticks as many times as you want, and when you want everyone else to jump in you start clicking them really fast! Sound good?
FORSE: Ya whatever man.
HAPPY: Right! Kick us off drumface!
FORSE starts hitting his drumsticks together. He does so for maybe twenty seconds, while the rest of the band looks at him with growing impatience
HAPPY: Anytime now.
FORSE(still hitting drumsticks together): Here's an idea mates, why don't we make a song with just this! This is soundin' pretty rad.
HAPPY: Because that's ridiculous. Who would listen to a five minute song with nothing but drumstick sounds?
LUKAS: Hipsters?
CANTEEN: Hey, I would listen to that song...
HAPPY: Quiet you. Okay, I'm going to start counting again. (FORSE stops hitting drumsticks) Whenever you guys want to start playing, nod at me. Right! One two three four five six seven eight nine...
CANTEEN walks towards centre stage while HAPPY silently mouths the count to FORSE and LUKAS
CANTEEN: I don't need this. I'm gonna go start an electro-pop outfit, with blackjack, and hookers!
CANTEEN walks offstage. Seconds later he walks back onto centre stage
CANTEEN: On second thought, forget the blackjack.
CANTEEN walks offstage again.
CURTAIN
(note, the author of this stage script would like to thank Bender "Bending" Rodriguez for his inspirational help in creating this piece)
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