Yesterday's Goodbye

When a day passes me by sometimes there's an eventual moment when, sitting within its spent uselessness, I notice something different. And so was such a moment late one wasted evening that like a jolt of electricity my mind was shocked from its typical murky distraction: I remembered Valerie was leaving.

We hadn't spoken much throughout the past several years. Too much history, awkwardness with her passing boyfriends, professional differences of schedule and a collapsing social circle. Even in our limited recent encounters we'd only addressed these pieces of baggage silently, a quiet wedge between a once thriving human connection. Now was the end of the final chapter: she was leaving forever. A fiance leading her across the ocean with the promise of a new love filled life.

I'm not sure why I suddenly thought of Valerie this particular night. I'd heard months earlier that she was splitting town and felt no reaction. But this night was different, as though the simple thought of her was the antidote to my poisonous doldrums. Maybe it was some form of time-delayed nostalgia, or the hand of reality finally gripping me where I still had feeling. The barricade of indifference I'd built around myself at last crumbled just enough for a faint light to sneak through. With pathetic difficulty I rose from my couch and fumbled around for my cell phone. I had to call her.

Through the ruins of our old friends group I confirmed Valerie's phone number was still the same, and then ignored the additional messages inquiring why I was asking. Manipulation was the easy part, the next obstacle was much harder. Like those moments you realize your days are passing you by, there are other moments you're aware that the day has now frozen. You stare at something, a task perhaps, knowing that your life cannot proceed until you make the active decision to either do this something or to never do it and move on. This was my moment staring at Valerie's number, slowly dialing it into my phone but unsure whether I'd actually begin the call. I could be stuck here forever, my life and its minimal progress halted by this impasse of questionable desire and unexplained fear. Fear emerged triumphant, as I sent the call and hated myself instantly.

One ring. Nothing.

Second ring. Nothing. Maybe I was off the hook.

Third ring. Good enough. Time to hang up and dodge this bullet foreve--

'Hello?'

Shit.

'Hello. Hello?'
'Hey.'
'Oh. Huh. How's it going?'
'Fine, fine. Sorry I guess this is pretty random.'
'Yuh-huh. Why are you calling?'
'Don't worry it's nothing weird. I know everything was a long time ago and you've moved on, I know you're leaving soon and well, I just wanted to wish you good luck out there. I guess I want to say, I'm happy for you.'
'Oh. Well, thank you. That's, that's nice of you to say.'
'Ah it's nothing. Right well I'll let you go, I don't wanna waste any more of your time.'
'Okay. I mean wait! Don't hang up yet. How've you been?'

The truth of my intense self-loathing was my instinctual response, a cheap ploy for pity disguised as sympathy. But if this were the last time we spoke, I could not close the curtains on that sour note. So I dug deep within myself for the tiniest bits of happiness and joy I could find. And when I heard Valerie laugh for the first time in seemingly centuries, even if for just a moment I was reborn as that person again.