Well... it's come to this.
Let me say off the bat, I'm not going to give this the benefit of the doubt. All your Next Generation nostalgia ploys bounce off my hardened skepticism regarding your choices of plot points and cameos of beloved characters, dear show. I don't like when a story thinks it's pulling a fast one on me, and so much of this oozes that particular creative vice. Just because I want to love it (as I do all things Star Trek) doesn't mean that love is instantly rewarded to the brand without question. You've gotta earn it first...
...and this first episode of Picard certainly does not do that.
(*Obviously, spoilers ahead)
First lemme say... gawd damn it. I'm way more frustrated than I expected after watching this. Not because I think this whole enterprise (see what I did there) is a shameless play on a character and beloved universe so treasured by fans like myself, who grew up with the sheer excellence of Star Trek: The Next Generation (although it so, so obviously is).... but because there are elements here that could actually make Picard good. There are some cool concepts in play: characters with intriguing and potential likeability and a narrative route to build a genuine bridge between the respected source material and this exciting new thing. Unfortunately they're completely bungled here by a creative team that thinks subtlety insists upon itself.
I'll be fair and say episode one has some promising moments... well, enough to convince/coerce me to actually finish the stupid episode. Now admittedly I did not watch season 1 (and frankly don't think I missed much) but! Being sorta re-introduced to these new characters... okay I'll bite. This Captain Rios fella... a cool-headed cat smoking a cigar on the bridge? Sure, charming in a dumb way but charming. Romulan ninja guy enrolling in the Academy? Predictable, but makes sense... fine cool. Raffi getting her life together and back into Starfleet? Easy dots to connect, but effectively portrayed.
This Agnes lady drunk in a bar? Okay enough quasi-praise because she's genuinely and completely insufferable... like the writers of the show inserting themselves into the action thinking they're so clever. Didn't she betray and horribly murder someone in the first season? With no consequences? And here it's played for comedic purposes? Why is her dialogue in this scene like a bad Joss Whedon ripoff? What the fuck is this show trying to be? Have any of these people writing this ever actually watched fucking Star Trek???
I'll defend Star Trek: Beyond because it legit plays out like a story written by fans of the original show. It has some silly action scenes and isn't a perfect representation, but spiritually it felt natural and also utilized one of the greatest elements of good Trek: strong characterization with believable growth and conflict within our heroes. 'Picard' instead insists that already completely realized and so gives such minimal effort to this crucial point. Hey here's some advice for writing characters: "The trial never ends" (oh, I'll get to that later).
Even the scenes I could tolerate were too often actors just obviously acting. I keep forgetting that's actually Seven of Nine because nothing she does remotely fits within the character we saw on Voyager for years, nor does it seem like this could be the person she eventually became. She's just "random violent hardened mercenary woman". Seven was a seriously good character on Voyager because there was so much there: a person torn between two worlds, with unique perspective and intelligence that even that flawed show realized could be explored further. Fucking depth! Layers! But here? Why is she even here? This is all so horribly, horribly contrived and it hurts my poor brain.
Back to kindness. The stuff with Picard's mother is kinda mystically generic, but semi-interesting and well shown: it's a part of his history not previously explored at all and thus an effective mystery (though seriously, if she turns out to be the Borg Queen I retract all praise.). While none of this seems like Captain Jean-Luc f***king Picard at all, some grace can surely be allowed that perhaps he softens in the twilight of his days.
Another positive: visually this all looks excellent... I'm good at looking past the beyond dated special effects of the late 80s-90s but an improvement is an improvement. Patrick Stewart does finally look very old and his energy isn't quite as engaging (see what I did there) but he's still a damn very solid actor. You know, even when it doesn't seem like he's playing the actual character the damn show is named after.
Back to the long ass list of what sucks... I mean what I... ah fuck it, so much of this sucks. Even the cinematography bugged me at one point (that romantic-ish scene with Picard and his Romulan house-worker... why have multiple closeups then have a swooping long shot that slowly zooms back in? Distracting as hell).
But the real issue is how cheap fan service is so lazily and brutally ham-fisted into this story: the Guinan cameo, the quick corny reunion of the first season cast in like fifteen seconds aboard the Star Gazer (yeah Seven's ship just happened to be there... gimme a break), or how the Borg suddenly take control of the entire Federation fleet apparently thanks to half a dozen tentacles from a single being... it all gives the impression of a bunch of ideas thrown together without narrative purpose or care regarding source material. Even isolated from source material, the story logic exceeds stupidity. "Hey audience, here's some stuff that doesn't fit together at all, but you recognize it so who cares!"
It's all a shame, because I want this to be good and it's a couple steps away from being so. Or at least, a couple steps from making enough damn sense that I don't wanna rip out my hair while watching it. The ideas are there, but without competent execution of said ideas I'm not confident this will be an enjoyable experience... nor will it live up to the many layered great moments that classic Star Trek can still boast. We'll see. I guess.
Oh yeah... the actual episode... stuff happens. Who cares? I hated this. I'll get more in depth with the story arc of the season once more episodes come out (assuming any of this plot ends up being comprehensible). Until then, pray, for... Mojo...
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