The Tuesday Taste (On a Wednesday?) - Kajun Chicken and Seafood

 

 

You can put your clothes back on

she's leaving you

No time to apologize 

for the things you do

Go rent a Ferrari

and sing the blues

Believe that Clapton was the second coming  

 

Another Tuesday... (I mean Wednesday, whoops)... another Taste! After a brief diversion back into smash burgers and a sit-down restaurant experience, we're coming back with more fried chicken from a little Ontario chain called Kajun Chicken and Seafood. 

Despite having 70,000+ Instagram followers (!) Kajun is a place I'd never even heard of before I noticed their new-ish location in Riverside here in Toronto while riding a streetcar to work. Their website provides next to nothing as far as backstory or information goes... all I can glean is that their headquarters are probably in Thornhill? I can say definitively that they have eight locations open as I write this piece, with four more said to open soon to complete a non-baker's dozen. These outposts are fairly spread out: Orillia, Hamilton, Waterloo, Oshawa... even the Toronto ones are as far apart as possible (Queen East, North York and east Scarborough).

So! Not much backstory this time (please save your applause), rather we're diving right in pretty early. It was a very cold January evening and, seeing as the name of the place boasts of their chicken and seafood... I had to sample both. What you see above is what they called a super combo thing? Two pieces of fried chicken, two fish tender things, a biscuit and two sides (I went with fries and coleslaw, nice and simple). This all came in around 18 bucks... not bad considering the variety and amount of food. 

 

 

Here's your biscuit and... yeah this is pretty rough stuff. Not a good start. Say what you will about Popeye's (seems they've really declined in recent years) but they make decent biscuits... there's an irresistible butteryness in there that makes them somewhat tasty even when there's also a dry chalkiness to the texture.(Church's Chicken make really good ones, for the record).

These Kajun ones? A bit of a honey glaze in the taste, but beyond that... you get all those bad dry chalk-like aspects without that butter flavour you need to make this work. I barely even wanted to finish this thing... the bread caked at the roof of my mouth on every bite and all I could taste was bland chalk bread... genuinely bad. 

 

 

We're off to a very weak first impression, and sadly these fries are not going to boost the experience. Unlike that dreadful biscuit, these are merely 'whatever' as far as fries go. Good seasoning (like a sweet salt and pepper) and they are soft inside... however the dominant taste is like old frying oil and that flavour (for what it is) really fades very quickly, as generic frozen fries tend to do. At least there's some effort to give these some zing, and they are enjoyably crispy. Alas a generic frozen french fry is always going to be just that and it's hard to overcome. 

 

 

Can anything save this? How about coleslaw? Answer: nope.

Hey... again the level of quality is really just so generic and predictable. Spoilers, but you've eaten food like this a zillion times before. None of this stands out or is exceptional remotely in any way. This coleslaw is a prime example of that... I can't say it's amazing because you can find this exact thing at this exact same level of quality almost anywhere... but because it's a creamier slaw (my usual preference) I liked it a bit more than it probably deserves. It pairs nicely with the fish tenders, which speaking of...

 

 

This is legitimately the only somewhat interesting thing I sampled here. A nice layer of breading, the fish is tender and nicely flaky with plenty of subtle fishy flavour (imagine a higher end frozen fish fillet from the supermarket), while a nice little hint of pepper gives it some extra dimension. Not greasy or oily either... a bit floppy (it'll collapse! A third of this portion fell onto the gross streetcar floor an instant after this photo) but generally an enjoyable fried fish portion. Would make for a great taco actually... hmmmm...

 

Who doesn't like a taco picture? Sociopaths, that's who...

 

 

Time for the fried chicken! The main event! 

Look... fried chicken is delightful by it's very nature. Crunchy and breaded, juicy and tender... the baseline is high enough that it's difficult to be totally disappointed. KFC does (it's been years since I tried the infamous Double Down but that dry ass stale bird still haunts me) but for the most part you're playing with house money. It's hard to screw this up.

Kajun doesn't screw it up, but man. This is so bland and boring... there is nothing to this at all. I ordered the spicy one too! Nothing resembling seasoning, or marinated taste, or herbs within the breading... this is a dictionary photo of what fried chicken looks like and it makes absolutely zero effort to rise above that.

You can be a significant disappointment while still being just okay. Look... your restaurant is freaking called "Kajun" (an obvious play on Cajun food), the only thing your website describes at all about yourself is a love for Louisiana cuisine... and yet this is such a painfully meh fried chicken with absolutely nothing memorable about it. While I don't think "cajun" when I think fried chicken (more seafood boils) where are any of those cajun spices or flair? There is no spice whatsoever (and again this was the "spicy" offering) no earthy flavours or any hints of onions or pepper... nothing stands out about this whatsoever beyond "fried chicken be fried chicken".

The chicken itself is juicy, the breading is quite crispy and peels off quite nicely. Nothing stale or chewy or overly fried. Texture is not the problem here, they do nail that part. It's the complete lack of flavour imagination, or seasonings, or spice (seriously... they give packets of hot sauce and a pre-packaged honey mustard... nothing made in house) that simply makes this a seriously forgettable showing here on the weekly review. 

 

 

Overall. It can't all be Pianos and Rosie's and Birdies... we were due for a let down and Kajun Chicken and Seafood sure as hell is one. Been a while since I experienced a meal so easily forgettable as this was... at least Tim Horton's pizza was interestingly bland, or Taco Bell had some genuine cheap nostalgia. This? What is the point. And what's most frustrating is how some small changes could've made this actually pretty good. 

But it isn't. I strongly do not recommend Kajun at all. It's so precisely just slightly below average to be actually frustrating. They are cheap, I'll give them that... but now I think I see why. 

Checking their Instagram again (70,000 followers! How?) I think I'm going to invent a new rule: if you're curious about a restaurant you've discovered on a site like IG or whatever... unless they're showing actual photos of their items on a real table or in their kitchen, rather than a sleek shiny graphic... be suspicious! Legitimately great food spots will happily share pictures of the actual items they make and are selling... designed visual trickery to boost a promotion? Bad sign.

Want proof? Look up PG Cluck's IG and compare it with Kajun (who somehow have 5x more followers... wtf). Or Chica's, or any smaller burger joint that isn't McD's or BK. You get actual photos of actual food! 

Yep, making this a new rule and I'm christening it, because this was such a lame let down... the Kajun Rule. Let it be known! If a restaurant only shows graphic design images of their food, and the not real made-to-order stuff... odds are extremely high they are gonna be meh at best. Which is what Kajun is... meh at best. 

Apologizes to the very nice dude behind the counter, who seemed youthfully confused by the very menu above him... but his kindness did not go unnoticed.                

 

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Playing Chicken

Since we're talking chicken this week, here's a video from one of my favourite food related YouTube channels wherein Andrew Rea (in his own comedic way) walks through nearly every method of screwing up cooking a chicken breast. I most certainly cannot say no animals were harmed in the eventual making of this video (though no chicken was wasted) 

Tuesday Wednesday Tune

 

Had this song stuck in my head for the past week, so now it's your turn suckers! 

Funny enough, had I posted this review on time/the usual Tuesday schedule, it would've been this artist's birthday. Didn't plan it that way but would've been a heck of a coincidence...

That's all for this week! We'll have something tastier on The Taste next time... ideally. Until then, stay safe, stay warm and most of all don't spill that mustard.

This Week In Pizza: King Bolzano Pizzeria

 

I know what your first question is: who or what the heck is a "bolzano"?

Well! According to Vocabulary.com, it's a city in Italy very close to the Austrian border. And that's all for this article! Thanks for reading, be sure to follow West Collier Street on Facebook, Instagram and wherever you get your social media fixes! 

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Okay okay. King Bolzano Pizzeria (or "King Bolzano Mix" as their sign says) is a little hole in the wall restaurant on the quiet corner of Broadview Avenue and Dundas Street East. They have virtually no online presence whatsoever, beyond an abandoned IG account with a single post from late 2023 (which I'm assuming is when they opened). 

This is definitely not the kind of place that's gonna win any style points... the interior gives off the vibe of a cafeteria more than anything (a clean cafeteria for the record, don't mean any insult by that description). Basic little tables, counter in the front, a help-yourself fridge with soda drinks (and beer) and big windows from which to watch the 504 streetcars pass by.

As I've mentioned many times, I may be a pizza snob by nature (kinda part of the job description when you're reviewing and ranking things) but I'm not snobbish as far as what I'm willing to try. Unless it has like a 3/5 on Google or something or isn't obscenely expensive (there's a reason I haven't ventured out to Oretta yet) I'm game to try it because sometimes you really can find that diamond in the rough. If I just constantly tried the fancy pizza joints all the time... well odds are I'd rarely be disappointed but where's the fun or adventure in that? This is a "Pizza Quest" after all, not a "weird Toronto man tries high end pizzas as a hobby in his spare time" thing (it is still that, but I'm adventurous damnit!)

So I went into King Bolzano (after getting my bike fixed at the nearby excellent DYI shop Bike Sauce) with no expectations whatsoever.  This could be truly incredible or absolutely cheap and terrible, both outcomes seeming equally likely. Yet... neither of those happened!

 

    

What you see is a bit of a modification on one of their specialty pizzas: you've got bacon, mushrooms, goat cheese and some sliced sausage (hidden below the cheese). Plus a garlic dip on the house! Truly the gentleman working behind the counter knows the path to my heart ("I want you to come again!" were his exact words). Alas, I am a cold-hearted bastard in pizza matters and despite such generous kindness, if the pizza itself is bad this will be a one-and-done.

Good thing it isn't bad! It's not exceptional: this pie has some serious weaknesses that I'll dive into momentarily... but it's rather decent and affordable considering this is a four topping medium coming in exactly at 15 bucks. 

 

 

These are quite simple flavours: not a whole lot of depth going on here. Lots of cheese and it's a notch above your bland Pizza Pizza-like fare, the bacon has great salty tenderness and there is seriously a lot of it... plus that hidden secret sausage (there are so few slices of it underneath the cheese) really gives a nice little flavour punch when you least expect it. The pizza also has nice crunch on the bottom, making the overall texture quite nice (gooey on top and crispy below). A lot of good stuff happening there. 

As for the negatives... the dough and the sauce, plus the mushrooms. There's a watery aspect happening here, both with the mushrooms (kind of a frozen/canned taste) and the tomato sauce... the latter really having no presence whatsoever. Likewise with the bread... you're getting that specific frozen pizza crunch, a fleeting dough flavour that is gone within seconds rather than any delicate or buttery bready-ness.

As such, this does kind of taste like a store bought frozen pizza you've heated up in the oven. Hey, definitely one of the better ones in that particular avenue of pies... but the similarity is unshakable. There's enough craft here, terrific flavour balance in the toppings and cheese that I wouldn't call this a"cheap" pizza... more like the quality isn't great but there is enough care to make something decent with what they've got. 

And hey, most importantly... never at any point was I not enjoying it, despite these shortcomings.

 

 

Overall. Entirely okay and I'd gladly take it over the majority of the big pizza chains... but I wouldn't suggest it as a "you gotta check this out!" kind of place. A shame that there are so many weak links on here... if the sauce had just a bit more zing, or the mushrooms were juicier rather than watery (still better than being dry, so points there)... I could probably grade this a little bit higher. 

Still, appearances can be deceiving and this little spot is indeed better than you might think via a mere glance from passing by the outside. It's a "B--" for me... actually tasty and entirely fine. You probably want a fresh pizza if you checked them out though... the slices held up okay on the reheat (toaster oven) but ordering a dried out slice? The full bodied texture of this pie is its greatest attribute since the flavours don't really have much staying power.

         

The Tuesday Taste - Rosie's Burgers

 

 

And then you get an artist

he says he doesn't want to paint at all

Just takes an empty canvas

sticks it on a wall

Birds of a feather

all the phonies and all of the fakes

While the dealers they get together

and they decide who gets the breaks 

 

 

Another Tuesday... another Taste! 

We're going somewhat off the map this week, and quite unnecessarily so. Doing things for no reason? Why that could easily be the description right underneath the heading of this website...

Aside from checking out the Arby's in St. Catharines last summer, all of these Tuesday reviews have been somewhere in Toronto (this might've changed had I actually made it to California last November... but no need to dig up that grotesque month any further again). 

Why am I even mentioning this? Because the subject of our review this week, Rosie's Burgers, are originally based out of Port Credit, an area in south-east Mississauga which indeed is not part of Toronto proper. We're off the map now, people! 

Rosie's now have four locations total: the newer ones on Queen West and inside The Well complex (where we tried BHC Chicken) and another location all the way in Calgary. For reviewing purposes all of those would've been much simpler to travel to (okay, maybe not the Alberta one) but forget convenience or common sense! (Truly a slogan for 2025). On a snowy Sunday evening whim I hopped on a GO train and traveled to the little Port Credit spot where it all began for Rosie's Burgers.

Rosie's is still a youthful entry on the burger scene (they are another "smash" style), established in 2020 by brothers Daniel and Dustin Gelman (the name "Rosie's" is itself named for their grandmother). There is some kind of brand affiliation/ownership thingy here with umbrella food company Happy Belly, which operate a bunch of other names I've totally never heard of (IQ Food Co. sounds semi-familiar?)... but via this connection, I imagine, has made Rosie's such rapid expansion more logistically possible and much less surprising. Barely five years in operation and already with four locations, with five(!) more planned (another in Calgary, a few more in Toronto while Hamilton and Burlington will likewise get a taste of Rosie's soon). I highly recommend reading this Burlington Reddit about the announcement, if only for the tales/theories about the previous tenant of the space, a frequently empty Mamma's Pizza, operating as a mob front (allegedly!). 

I've written before about how when restaurants franchise out like this, especially rapidly, often what made the food/product so special in the first place gets severely diluted. Burger's Priest, or Smokes Poutinere, or even Pizzeria Libretto good examples of this: all are still decent but have also been lapped by significantly better options in their lane. Or in the case of Smoke's they expand like crazy for a few years in the midst of a trend that eventually bursts (The Great Toronto Poutine Bubble of the late 2000s)... once everywhere in the city, now there are barely any Smoke's left all at. Are Toronto smash burgers a similar kind of bubble? Are there too many of these places doing this same thing now and the market has become over-saturated? Probably. The one difference/advantage here may be that: cheeseburgers are generally more popular among average folks than poutine (at least anywhere other than Quebec).  

Hey, to my benefit I'm getting to review Rosie's before they're completely everywhere, and sampling their original location no less. I might hate McDonald's but if I ever got a chance to try their oldest location (it's third one ever opened, 1953 in Downey, California) I'd have to do it. Speaking of that, said Rosie's OG location is conveniently a very short walk from the Port Credit GO station.

 

 

This was my first time ever walking around in Port Credit, and I must say this little stretch of Lakeshore Road was rather charming... full of little restaurants and shops with Lake Ontario very much in the near background (quite a bit like Mimico). I even killed some time wandering around Tall Oaks Park while the sun was setting... genuinely seems like an excellent place to go off and spend a warm summer afternoon in (rather than a frosty January one).

 

    

The original Rosie's Burgers is not a large space at all, with a small table or two and limited counter seating as you can see. Definitely geared towards a takeout operation, which even on a Sunday evening had some considerable action.

It's another very simple menu: cheeseburgers are singles or doubles, there's a fried chicken option, sides are fries or onion rings (or both)... meanwhile for dessert they have milkshakes, cookies, and (unusually) a banana pudding. Most annoyingly (for me) was how they also offer chili cheese fries... something I noticed after already making my order. Damnit! I commented how I wish I'd known this while leaving, to which the friendly young dude behind the counter mentioned that only came on the menu a week earlier and he keeps forgetting as well. Son of a gun.... (shakes fist at snowy sky).

 

     

Alas, I had to settle for a fries/onion rings combination ("frings" as we've inexplicably decided to call them). I know I know, it's a tough life. 

Once again we've got crinkle fries... which at this point I'm convinced are as popular as freaking smash burgers themselves. How is it the only curly fries I've reviewed in the past calendar year were from freaking Arby's? Seriously... curly fries rule and in these times of severe duress world needs much more of them. 

 

 

As far as crinkle cut fries go, these are in the better tier of the ones I've reviewed. Aloette Go's were pretty forgettable and blandly soft once the winter cold got to them... Rosie's here does not have that problem. A firm crispiness throughout, even on the larger fries, and they were also still delicious once the heat had faded... definitely a notable hint of a seasoning salt and oily flavour but never too much to upset the tongue. Meanwhile, the potato within is delicate and tastily creamy. Simply terrific fries (that I wish were drenched in some cheesy chili, damnit...) 

 

 

Speaking of oily... I don't often get onion rings as a side (a life choice I'm sure my bodily circulation agrees with) despite indeed finding them delicious. There's a lot to like (greasy fried onions in crunchy batter? Who could refuse?) and maybe I just have weird tastes (omit that "maybe") but a full portion of onion rings to myself becomes too much of that certain thing. As a type of half-portion mixed in with fries? That's the perfect amount I'd want. Three or four rings I think is the perfect amount where the enjoyment doesn't morph into repetitive greasy regret in it's purest oily form.

The onion rings themselves... I suppose there aren't many differences between most onion rings are there? You've had one, you've had most of em... onions don't really change do they. Some places might use different kinds of batter mix, or season them differently... resulting in a different texture or taste in the breading. Some can be crunchier or more crumbly... saltier or more peppery.  

I think I can safely say Rosie's keeps their onion rings very old school, as the dominant flavours are just "fried", "onion", and however you want to describe what "crunch" tastes like. This simplicity works totally fine, as there isn't any kind of cheap or old oil taste to these rings at all. Sometime with such heavily battered things, you can get that "cakey" sensation in your mouth. Not here. Obviously these rings are oily (they're freaking onion rings) but there's a baseline of quality preparation and ingredients here that elevates this well above a generic greasy spoon. 

Plus, that crunch is just so satisfying... and here it hits that sweet spot with just enough bready moisture to not be stale or dry either.  

 

 

Here we go, another smash cheeseburger... it's like 2024 never ended (please tell me it ended). It has a potato bun and a house relishy-mayo-sauce and it's probably going to taste really good... *takes bite* yep! I knew it! This tastes really good. 

It's becoming hard to explain what makes all these smash burgers I've reviewed actually different from each other. The issue is how basically all of them have been really tasty, and so the real differences lie deep within the details. Even then, this isn't like describing a pizza... where a different kind of cheese or sauce or dough can completely change the entire makeup of a pie. The composition of a cheeseburger is much more narrow and conceptually streamlined. To be honest I'd argue it's a big reason why the smash style has caught on with such recent trending popularity because it itself is a different way of making something typically so simple (yes I know smash burgers are not a new thing, just that the influx of so many new places doing them is). 

Nevertheless... Rosie's makes a damn fine burger. This one has more crispy edges along the outside of the beef than other places I've reviewed... giving such a vivid beef and salt flavour that is irresistible on each bite as the mix of flavours erupt in the mouth. The softness and lightly sweet potato bun is a necessary touch of course, while this Rosie's house sauce is very much like your standard "Burger Sauce" of mayo/relish/ketchup mixed all together... they do put a nice amount of it on (I like my burgers saucy) and there's an additional kick to it (a richness) that indeed elevates it. On a bite with a particular amount of lettuce, it really calls to mind what the Big Mac sauce should be if, you know, McDonald's didn't completely suck. Yeah, I can't resist the cheap shots.

One weakness could be that with their single (which I got) the beef is more part of an ensemble than the superstar within the burger. Rosie's isn't shy with the lettuce, the cheese, the sauce and tomato... and I confess I see the appeal here of the double patty burger to shift that balance towards the beef. It's definitely capable of handling that spotlight. 

The single is still good enough that you get a wonderful juicy grilled/smashed beef flavour all throughout. Compared to the other smashy smashie's I've tried, this is one of the greasier ones but it's more a flavourful grease that's cooked in it's own delicious juices... not a heavy artificial kind that turns the stomach. The combination of crispy juiciness within the soft bun... so simple but so good when it's pulled off like this.

 

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Overall! While if you live in the east side of Toronto I wouldn't really recommend venturing all the way out to Port Credit like I did for "reason" (especially when it's January and snowing)... but I most certainly recommend Rosie's Burgers! I liked everything here quite a lot: high quality fries, simple but tasty onion rings, and a basic smash burger done with expert skill. 

I'll reiterate my concerns about their expansion(ings) happening so rapidly that it could eventually lessen what currently makes them so genuinely good. Heck, as I write this I haven't even tried any location they have in Toronto yet (the city I actually live in) and it's already entirely possible those newer outposts aren't quite as good as the original joint. Hopefully they can both expand the brand while spreading these tasty burgers throughout the land. Hey, what a rhyme! I hope it still stands when I bring it to the band, otherwise I'll feel quite bland... ugh, what am I doing? Time to bury my head in the sand... 

One final point on Rosie's I maybe should've punched harder on: they're really not doing anything all that complicated, food or recipe-wise. Fifteen years ago or whenever it was, one thing that gave Burger's Priest such initial notoriety were their (not totally original but well-marketed) wild and crazy items like grilled cheese sandwiches as buns for a burger, or a portabello mushroom stuffed with cheese on top of a burger patty... not to mention the buzz of a "secret menu" taken straight from the In-N-Out playbook. 

Unless Rosie's does have a secret menu I'm not aware of (those chili cheese fries sure were a secret until they weren't, grumble grumble) they've taken the opposite approach. This is just pure simple charm, making top notch fast food burgers with considerable care. Again, I wish them well and hope the quality remains the same as they seek to go where not many burgers have gone before. 

 

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Weiner, Gagnant

As a public service here on West Collier Street, I'd like to offer up this excellent visual guide to regional hot dogs and their configurations/toppings. My only takeaway is how damned popular onions are on hot dogs/sausages basically everywhere in the entire world. 

 

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ghq0NMCWwAAYxNB?format=jpg&name=large 

Conan The Pizzabarian

It's Conan being Conan in a legendary NYC pizza joint. What's not to like...

Rainy Day Albums No. 12 and 35

Neat little article from Rolling Stone that ranks, regardless of the music behind it, all 40 of Bob Dylan's studio records based on their album cover art. This combines two things I love: album covers and ranking things! Surprise surprise, the records regarded as Dylan's worst also tend to have the worst artwork as well... but I don't want to spoil things too much. A fun read even if you're not a Dylan fan: it mostly just talks about the visuals. Check it out:

 

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-lists/best-bob-dylan-album-covers-1235228164/knocked-out-loaded-1235235068/

 

Tuesday Tune

When he's cooking, Knopfler is a damn wizard on the six string, man.

 

 

That's all for this week! Until next time you all know the drill: stay safe, stay warm and most of all don't spill that mustard. 

                            

The Tuesday Taste - Piano Piano

 

 

 

They had the best selection

They were poisoned with protection 

There was nothing that they needed

Nothing left to find

 

Another Tuesday... another Taste. Seeing as yesterday was an objectively terrible day for anybody who isn't an extremely rich white person... the timing of this review isn't stellar. I'm upset and scared too, trust me, but please take my hand for a moment and follow me down this diversion of humour and culinary insight. They can bruise our spirit, but never our imagination.... so join me on a trip through the latter my dear friends.

We're doing something a little different this Tuesday around the week: whereas these reviews are usually either fast food joints or take-out spots that may or may not have seating inside... this time you're getting an actual sit-down restaurant experience, and one of Toronto's very finest Italian restaurants at that. Hello sir, can you please hand me that piano?

Piano Piano now have four locations in the GTA (three in Toronto, one in Oakville), a fifth location currently in the works for Leslieville, a few additional affiliated sister restaurants around the city, plus a successful frozen pizza enterprise you can find in several grocery stories. Needless to say, global pizza dominance appears to be the plan (their owner even jokingly suggests so).

Indeed, Piano Piano has been serving critically acclaimed Italian fare essentially since the doors opened at their original spot on Harbord Street in early 2016. Head chef/co-owner Victor Barry initially worked his way up from pastry chef to running the kitchen and owning the previous restaurant in the space, Splendido, which was a far more intimate and fancier upscale (expensive) style of dining. After half a decade of that, Barry surprisingly closed Splendido and quickly replaced it with his new concept: the more accessibly casual and pizza focused Piano Piano.

Now, I have a bit of a story with Piano Piano (please please, I can hear those groans in the back) so buckle up and settle in for this ride into the Wayback Machine. Autumn of 2019 was when I was doing my Second Great Pizza Quest... which was also not a great period for me mentally. I'd promised an old friend (and occasional pizza trying associate) we would go together sometime to try Piano Piano since they were so highly regarded (the Harbord one at the time was still their only location). 

Instead... sigh. Some random dreary weekday I had a two hour break between a double shift, and in my awkward sadness I thought: "F*k it. I'm gonna have some drinks, sneak on the Spadina streetcar up to Harbord and get one of their pizzas as takeout and head back to work". 

What a great plan! I showed up to make my order at Harbord Piano Piano already half in the bag (probably hadn't eaten anything but cashews all day) and mistimed things so badly I was semi-late coming back for my second shift (with no opportunity to eat the damn pizza). Naturally, my friend was not pleased at this clueless impulsive decision on my part... both in that I'd reneged on our agreement and also I'd been in no real condition to appreciate this damn pizza (let the record show her derision was mostly the former). 

Hell, even my photo of it sucked:

 

 

The only positive thing to come out of this story, aside from my vague drunken recollection of the pizza being pretty good... was the knowledge that Piano Piano actually don't cut their pizzas for you, which six years later is still true. 

Back once more into a gloomy November 2019 afternoon... sitting on a crowded rush hour Spadina streetcar, reeking of vodka seltzers, clumsily fumbling with my hands to rip apart this high quality pizza so as to just stuff a slice in my mouth before another work shift of soul-shattering awkwardness. 2019! That second half was rough, my friends. Little did I know what still lay ahead the next year.   

Well... it took a little over five years but I finally came through on my deal with that same old friend. Calling it a draw would be generous to me, but nevertheless! One (very cold) Thursday afternoon when her daughter was napping, we met up and checked out the Piano Piano location on Colborne Street. 

Colborne Street itself is an odd little side laneway tucked between King and Wellington that you could walk by dozens of times and so easily miss... yet has multiple well known restaurants along its short block including favored pub of the suits, P.J. O'Brien's. 

My dear friend informed me, as we were about to enter, that the interior design of Piano Colborne was quite distinctive. She wasn't kidding... this was like stepping inside the board game Clue: you're in the Parlour trying to find the rope Colonel Mustard used for the murder. Frilly lamps, velvet booths, a checkered marble floor, comfortably dim lighting... it really is like walking into an upper-society murder mystery from the 1930s. And I haven't even mentioned the downstairs. 

Normally I do these reviews solo (insert loneliness comment here, I've heard em all) but it is exceptionally refreshing to not just have another perspective on the food, but just another eye or ear on the entire experience... such as Piano Piano Colborne's very late-90s R&B playlist, which was seriously on point. 

This place is such a clash of styles that with good tunes, friendly vibes and terrific attentive service... makes it work. But enough window dressing, here's the grub. 

 

 

Piano Piano has a mighty fine lunch prix fixe option: a half portion of any appetizer, any full pizza on their menu, plus a dessert... all for 36 bucks (36 is definitely a great number, for the maybe dozen of you who get that joke). 

Considering each of their pizzas are already 26 bucks... it's a swell deal. My charming accomplice ordered the burrata as her appetizer, while I went for the calamari you see above. While the deep fried squid was a half portion, I don't think that dip was. There are also some deep fried artichokes in there... I never liked artichokes but it had been over a decade since I tried one... maybe after hundreds of reviews my tastes had evolved? Took a bite... nope! Still not a fan. Blech! Artichokes stink. 

 

The calamari itself... a very light, tempura-like breading. Minimal seasoning beyond pepper, and that's all it needs. I want more! Why are those stupid artichokes in the way? I rarely eat seafood, but I know bad calamari would likely be overly rubbery and dry. Not this. You still have that rubbery texture but there's a pleasant softness to it, a subtle juiciness that is lightly flavourful and playfully salty without being watery. The breading is quite simple, just a bit of salt and pepper for seasoning, not heavy on the bread aspect. Very delicious... I love calamari but rarely eat it because it's both expensive and just not the kind of thing you make at home very often. 

 

As for the dip... bit of a sweet chili meets garlic mayo type of concoction. Best of both worlds. I'd buy it if it was sold in a grocery store.

 

 

     

This was my friend's burrata. Can't say I've encountered plump grapes with a sprinkle of parmesan on them before. Simple, elegant, looks good on the Gram (like and follow lolz) but most importantly it tastes excellent. Burrata is such a strange cheese experience: it's simultaneously cold, watery, basically an orb of solidified cheese slime... yet still a decadent treat with a texture that pairs exceptionally well with crunchy bread, or spread over a pizza. I'm curious how a simple little ball of cheese unlocks so much...

Pizza time. Welcome to my home ballpark. As I said a thousand years ago earlier in this review, my singular experience with Piano Piano's pizza was being drunk and in a rush to get back to work on a crowded streetcar at 4:30 in the afternoon (ah, memories...) Now, we can do this for real. Hey, they gave me scissors to cut the pizza properly! I ain't dropping the fly ball this time. 

Despite my madness in that incomprehensible moment, I still recognized Piano Piano as a terrific pizza. Five years later with a sober mind? Honestly... nothing has really changed. This is a really freaking good pizza. I went for 'The Chatham '62' with Canadian Bacon, 'Nduja, pineapple and pickled jalapeno... whereas my excellent associate in pizza went for their mushroom pizza 'The Fun Guy'. 

 

Now full disclosure: I don't think this is the best pizza in Toronto, as many other folks I've encountered will argue. My greatest compliment I can give this, is that: I can understand the argument even if I think there are at least half a dozen others that are at least in this elite company... and ones that I prefer over this. That aside, this pizza rocks. It is really damn good, and lets break down why and how. 

 

 

 

 

The crust is quite light and airy, which again I recognize as high quality execution and texture... but not quite my favourite. Nevertheless, you can see the char bubbles and the balance between that flavour and a very subtle sourdough baked bread is endlessly enjoyable. Baked at just the right point where the char is notable but not in the spotlight.

 

For me, where this pizza really shines are the toppings. The Canadian Bacon is more like a diced up pork belly... layers of tender pork with a juicy slab of fattiness between, all with vivid pork and subtly salty flavour. Truly exceptional. The pickled jalapenos... there aren't many of them but they're plump and waiting like a bomb for your mouth. Take a bite of them, they explode with sneaky spice and sting... like a heat ambush waiting for unsuspecting taste buds. 

 

Yeah there's pineapple on here and (controversy) I like pineapple on pizza! (sue me). On that front I must say: you can really tell the difference on a pizza between canned pineapple bits (swimming in sugary water) and legitimately freshly sliced pineapple from the fruit itself. None of that artificial sugar bleeds into the sauce, this pineapple is legit, semi-soft and just a side piece not the headliner. It's not much of a presence on this pizza because that's exactly how fresh pineapple is: an occasional sting of juicy sweetness and in minimal doses none of that harsh texture on your gums.

 

Lets go into the tomato sauce. It's... a little too much on the sweet tomato side for me. Objectively as a pizza sauce, it's truly fantastic... vivid and full of real lasting flavour... smooth and tomatoey (it's a word now damn it). Personally, I lean towards an earthier type of sauce and with the sweetness of the pineapple already baked into this... this slightly too sweet (for me) tomato sauce is this pizza's only true weakness. If you can even call it that... this sauce has a wonderful lasting flavour that only the best tomatoes (San Marzano) can provide. It's a beautiful taste but not my particular affinity towards beauty, if that makes sense.

 

 

     

How about the mushroom pizza? We traded slices and so this little 'Fun Guy' slice... hoo boy. Look up decadent in the dictionary, this photo should appear... assuming dictionaries even exist anymore you Zoomers. Where's a cloud I can yell at?

 

The Fun Guy pizza is so loaded with rich and heavy flavours, it's like being seduced by something you know is very bad for you... but you don't care because in the moment it's such a wonderful feeling. Oh whoops, that was the Star Trek fanfic I wrote, how'd that get in here? Right, anyway. 

 

The mushrooms are quite large and plump on here, revealing a wonderful juiciness on each bite. Meanwhile the combination of cheeses... it's the kind of thing you want to eat slowly (and I'm a notoriously slow eater). Something this rich yet layered with soft texture... frankly what makes Piano Piano so good is how these tastes take their time revealing themselves. None of this is a wham-bam-thank-you-mam... there's a lot going on here and even cold these flavours hold that dynamic.

 

 

 

Dessert! I got their swirl soft serve (the other option was a tiramisu). Real ice cream, even in soft serve format... has such a distinctive tell to it. There's a fullness in the flavour (rather than fleeting emptiness), a flavour that slowly builds rather than being so immediate, a specific type of creaminess I can't really describe that lingers in your mouth. I'm more a vanilla guy (shut up I hear those jokes) but chocolate merged with vanilla is such a wonderful combination, no matter what Homer Simpson thinks (he's right about ditching the strawberry though). 

 

What a treat. There's an odd slight grittiness within this ice cream I really appreciate, like you know for sure they've made this in house (or have imported it from somewhere closeby). Cheap ice cream gives you that initial creamy sweet rush you're looking for, but fades within seconds. This here... marvelous in how it shakes your hand rather than shake your shoulders. Incredible! I loved it. An exceptionally nice end to a terrific meal.

 

 

Overall! Look, Piano Piano and it's off-shoots are considered among the best restaurants in the entire city, and who am I to disagree? I'd disagree if I legitimately disagreed, but I disagree with even that attempt at a disagreeable digression. 

 

Enough silliness. Yes! Piano Piano is really damn good, and I recommend checking them out at whatever location is closest to you. I haven't even mentioned their menus yet... they're like something you'd see in the 1930's brandished by a child on the street shouting "extra! extra! Read all about it!" Such a strange but enchanting vibe in this place... (also a shoutout to our server who was incredibly sweet and on the ball). 

 

Piano Piano makes very very good pizza... but the time has come to explain why I'm giving them a grade a tiny bit below the true elite pizza I've had. To put it simply... I wasn't completely blown away 100 percent. More like 90 percent. There was never a "holy cow wow" moment in here, rather this was a slow methodical breakdown of the precise elements that make a pizza exceptional. It's almost like an academic approach to pizza and hey at this point I'm a valedictorian within this... Piano Piano really nail the basics and the details, but it's just a little bit short of the goalpost. 

 

As far as excitement? I'd happily try Piano Piano again but there are a few places ahead of them I'd be more eager to revisit. But not many: seriously this is real damn good. Both pizzas (the mushroom and mine) were marvelous in their own ways, and Piano Piano deserves a solid 'A-' grade from me. Good enough for the Top 15, probably higher. I strongly recommend that lunch special as well.

 

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Mr. Baseball 

David Lynch

Man. I don't even know where to begin with this one, and maybe I shouldn't even try to. The works of this fella transcend time, ponder the nature of what is art, disrupt the concept of any common narrative... all while winking at you behind the emotionless void. What a unique cat, endlessly charming and insightful towards the process of finding creative ideas... whether you adore his work or find it 'weird for the sake of weird' it is undeniable he was one of a kind. A true artist happy to share his secrets, but never gladly willing to compromise his vision. Nobody like him. 

How about some funny and insightful Lynch interviews or cameos? Here are three.

His story about potentially directing Return of The Jedi is a good one:

 

 

 Or how ideas come into your conciousness:

 

It comes on like a TV in your mind...

 

Again, one of a kind:

 

 

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Tuesday Tune

Eight years ago we tried to say this isn't normal... 

...now clearly it is normal, which is much much scarier. 

 

All I wanna say is, to my Jan 20 optimistic friends... seriously be careful what you wish for, and pay attention. Seriously. 

Anyhow. Great pizza! Great company! Stay safe stay warm and most of all, don't spill that mustard.

 

 

 

 

   

Ranking the Star Wars Trilogy Films - Part II: Revenge of the Return

 

We're back talking about the Star Wars trio of trilogies! We've already gotten the very, very worst movie out of the way (a film so remarkably horrible it had to stand alone) and so now lets tackle what are (in my opinion) the three worst actual films within the three trilogies. 

 

 

#9. Episode II - Attack of The Clones (2002)

 

 

For sure, I could swap Phantom Menace into this lowest non-Holiday Special slot and most folks would probably be fine with that. These two movies are equally terrible, but where Phantom Menace is a bewildering, nonsensical and ridiculously convoluted film to sit through... Attack of the Clones was a much more painful experience when I re-watched it. 

The Yoda versus Count Dooku fight is the only somewhat redeeming audience pleasing moment, which naturally is in the last ten minutes of this two-plus hour feature. I suppose Obi-Wan investigating the clones has some suspense and mystery to it as well... but it falls completely apart because you can't really follow along how or why any of this is happening. Most of the bad Star Wars movies have the same problem of trying to jam too much stuff into the plot (just wait until we get to Episode IX) leaving no time for the story to actually explain these important elements. All you're left with are disjointed action scenes, flash over substance.   

The two hours of this film feels like centuries longer to sit through than actual time suggests, the biggest reason for that? the love story. Oh dear gawd... that Cringe Hall of Fame love story. 

The Anakin/Padme thing is one of the worst romances ever captured on film: it's so absurdly tepid, overblown by melodramatic musical cues (at least John Williams tried to breathe some life into this corpse...) and so impressively unconvincing emotionally that the viewer is likely to find the dated CGI more lifelike. 

It's hard to blame the actors (Natalie Portman is clearly capable of far better work) but both her and Hayden Christensen are just unbelievably awful in this. Their chemistry is so awkward, their feelings so blandly expressed that a dollar store daytime soap opera is Oscar material by comparison. Seriously, you're just groaning and praying an action scene interrupts it. Just astonishing how unbelievably bad these scenes are. Imagine giving character lines to a computer program and asking it to emote without context... and of course George Lucas is so renowned for how compelling his dialogue always is... yeesh. 

Speaking of the CGI... twenty years have not been kind to these visuals. The over-indulgence of blue/green screen plunders the story of any realism (as much realism as a Sci-Fi fantasy film about magic can begin with). You are constantly aware you're watching a movie, not beholding an exciting universe sweeping you away with wonder. The suspension of disbelief is suspended the moment these Jedi knuckleheads start jumping from hovercar to hovercar. 

The biggest problem with the prequel films (among many problems) is how little you care about the characters. Most scenes with dialogue act as simple painfully dry exposition devoid of any life or care for character development. More accurately, they're tedious slogs to get the plot from action moment to action moment, while two actors walk in front of an obvious computer generated background. 

With Clones specifically, there's so much junk happening that it's easy to forget how the key point of this plot doesn't even make sense: why was this clone army being developed secretly? And by who? Dooku? But the clones are on the Republic's side? How does this affect the overall situation? It's not like the opposing side (the Trade Federation?) is explained to be slowly moving in and conquering the Republic. Aren't they just separatists? What is the actual threat? Why does this break out in a huge war that results in Chancellor Palpatine being granted absolute power? And if this was his plan all along... why wouldn't he just use his clone army right away to take over, like he does in the next film? Ugh... what a showy waste of time. 

A genuinely dreadful film, where the non romance scenes trick you by seeming of a greater quality than they actually are... which is true since they such a welcome reprieve from Anakin and Padme saying the same stupid thing over and over again. It's a forbidden love no one can know about... OKAY GOT IT! At least the Holiday Special has occasional parts so weird they actually amuse you, this here is like waiting in the dentist's office. 

 

#8. Episode I -- The Phantom Menace (1999)

 

 

An incomprehensible mess amidst a franchise filled with incomprehensible messes. Unlike Episode II, which takes it's time diving into awfulness... Phantom Menace hits you over the skull instantly with how little sense it makes. Then Jar Jar Binks shows up... and you immediately wish for a quick painless death.

This is only slightly better than Attack of The Clones in my eyes, but the distinction is akin to comparing flattened turds on the sidewalk. What elevates this slightly for me are some enjoyable touches that only really bad high budget films possess, and also that there isn't an obnoxiously uninteresting love plot wedged into most of the middle of this. Jar Jar Binks is unbelievably insufferable (who let Lucas think this was a good idea, seriously) and the fact they keep dragging kid Anakin around from war zone to war zone is completely baffling from a common sense perspective... the bit of him at the end "accidentally" flying the space fighter and destroying a ship is so terrible and ridiculous I almost admire it for being so stupid. This is why I felt considerably less pain watching this compared to Clones. More severe confusion and boredom than actual agony. 

First off, after re-watching all three of the prequels after well over a decade... I had never noticed before how much George Lucas fell in love with the slide-wipe. I'm no film-maker (at least not a very good one) but to explain if you don't know the lingo: a "wipe" is a transition effect from one scene to another (as opposed to just a hard cut, which is probably the most common transition in film or television). But, for whatever reason... Lucas chose to use this specific wipe where the old scene slides off to the right while the next scene takes its place. It's an adventure tale with magic and spaceships, sure, but the constant use of the effect just becomes comical when you see it several times in the span of a couple minutes. Phantom Menace jumps around from location to location so much (one of its biggest story problems) and has so many short scenes of barely relevant exposition (which is delivered so flatly your mind just kinda shuts off) and without fail that slide wipe will appear every damn time. It's almost cute if you're not taking anything in the movie seriously... and why would you? This story is nonsense.   

Beyond the ridiculous, there really isn't a whole lot of fun to be had watching this. Jar Jar Binks is a character so aggressively grating and insulting to the audience I could be convinced Lucas was deliberately trolling Star Wars fandom. The climax of the film is beyond stupid: young Anakin single-handedly turning the tide of the battle by blowing up a shield generator, or a robot control unit thing? Who knows! Meanwhile three other things are also happening and the story cuts between them so haphazardly it's impossible to decipher the stakes, what exactly is happening or what any of this really means. Oh, the Queen is captured? But there's still a battle outside? Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon have to fight Darth Maul because... lightsabers? 

Like Attack of The Clones, it's such a directing misstep or oversight how little you care about these undeveloped characters. Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson (who has next to nothing to do here)... these are all great actors but their lines are delivered with such little energy or personality you'd think these were their non-union robot replacements. Darth Maul, visually, is a darn cool villain... but he's only on screen for five minutes of the damn movie! Does he even have a line of dialogue? Who cares about this underdeveloped evil character we never see! What was his goal exactly? Random terrorizing? What is the point of him even existing? 

The death of Qui Gon Jinn is a perfect litmus test of Menace's exceptional failure: does anyone remember anything he says in the entire film? Any iconic scene or character trait? Wait I've got one... he dies! I'm not even gonna start with the Midichlorian stuff... just impressive what a strikeout this film was and still is... and I don't even mind the pod-racing sequence either (though it's way way too damn long).  

 

#7. Episode IX -- The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

 

 

 

It's MacGuffin: The Movie!

There's certainly a big step up in quality from the bottom two on this list to #7, but I'm not giving Episode IX any genuine praise by that compliment. Nor do I want to... I do not like this film one bit.

It's a show of intense spectacle lacking the barest minimum of substance. The fact I have one of the bloody prequels above it on my list shows how little I enjoyed Rise of Skywalker even when I saw it on the big screen, which is the only way such a flashy, pandering spectacle could possibly be enjoyed. This is a terrible story... super charged with empty visual calories.  

In some ways, this is actually my least favourite Star Wars movie and one of the worst films I've ever seen in a theatre. Visually it looks great: it's full of action, interesting locations and has some genuinely good character moments (which alone makes it far better than Menace or Clones). As a story though it lacks any kind of logic, acceptable structure, or anything resembling sense. As some have commented, it's more like a season of a television show crammed desperately into a film... and suffers badly because of that desperate need to be so epic. There's too damn much happening... characters that appear for just a scene or two and do basically nothing... wiping C3PO's memory for no reason... they ride horses on top of a freaking spaceship? What the hell is going on here?

My biggest issue with the Sequel Trilogy, beyond the diminishing returns, was how poorly all of this seems to have been planned out. Last Jedi has some serious critical problems but at least Rian Johnson did a few interesting things with it. Interesting doesn't always mean good, though that film appeared to have a somewhat specific tone and direction in place, even if a lot of it falls apart. 

Rise of Skywalker however is just a complete mess, but WHO CARES BECAUSE EXPLOSIONS AND OH GOD PALPATINE IS BACK AND THERE ARE A ZILLION STAR DESTROYERS WITH DEATH STAR WEAPONS AND REI IS TEMPTED BY THE DARK SIDE AND THERE'S LANDO AHHHHHHHHHH NERDGASM!!! 

I hate this movie. There's a difference between giving the audience what they want (an exciting and satisfying conclusion) and just cynically pandering to the point where it is clear you just don't respect the watcher's intelligence. This film crumbles under any level of scrutiny. Like, how the hell did Palpatine create a secret fleet of the most powerful planet destroying ships to ever exist with almost nobody else around? Did he conjure them out of his hood? How did he survive the Death Star explosion in Return of the Jedi in the first place? Why can't this awful movie stay on one goddamn planet for more than three goddamn seconds? How many more pointless characters who do almost nothing are going to be introduced before this mess finally ends? No time to explain any of this here's Lando! 

People who defend this movie will point to the character moments, and to be fair those are the only redeemable parts of this whole wretched affair. The Rei/Kylo stuff is genuinely good (probably the only arc these sequel films remotely have), Poe Dameron is still rougeish and Finn is still charming, despite the shoehorning into this Palpatine is always fun ("I'm so evil and I love it! Wuahahah"), Kylo Ren talking with force ghost father Han Solo is a solid scene (how is that possib... whatever who cares) and unlike the Prequels you do feel something about these new characters. 

If anything the biggest weakness of these sequel films are how little these movies are about this next generation of heroes and villains, the old ones overshadowing them at every turn almost. They still have enough of a presence to have an impact on you... which makes it all the more a shame that this final story for them is so cheaply contrived. They really had a chance to make these films special in their own unique way but an actual A-to-B-to-C plan just wasn't there.      

Case and point: the ending to Rei's storyline flat out sucks, full stop. Hell, the whole ending of the film sucks. Why is Rei a Skywalker now? Why is she choosing some kind of hermit life? Was there any previous indication or moment that implied this was what she wanted once the conflict was over? No... they just thought it would be touching and cool if she said "I'm Rei Skywalker" to end the film... because the film is called "Rise of Skywalker" (for some reason I still don't understand) and... I guess that's powerful and touching even though it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever?

It's easy to get washed up in the spectacle of a movie like this: so much is happening at once that your brain doesn't have time to process it because MORE STUFF IS ALREADY HAPPENING OMG! Such a story that skips anything related to structure or plot logic in favour of just soliciting a reaction ("feels" as it were) isn't a good story. Are any of these moments truly memorable or iconic? It's been five years after all. Compare it with the Nolan Batman films: still quotable, visually distinct (they've aged well) and unforgettable in their strong sense of style and substance. Rise of Skywalker? Uhhh... shrug? Ian McDiarmid is always great as Emperor Palpatine? This is what happens when you try for iconic moments without anything firm behind them... you get a brief hollow reaction that doesn't last or resonate.  

Anyhow. Yeah this movie sucks. It isn't as unbelievable in its badness as those (two) Prequels, but man at least those were interesting to watch again. Revisiting Rise of Skywalker again would just give me a headache. Forgettable nonsense. A shame the 'Sequel Trilogy' sputtered out its considerable potential with this dismally soulless finale. 

 

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Next time we'll get into the middle three of the list... a trio of films in the trilogy that, while very flawed, at least possess some re-watch curiousity and value (unlike the dreck you see here). Until next time....