I am
smelling like the rose
that somebody gave me
on my birthday deathbed
Another Tuesday... another Taste.
Sooooooo... yeah. Sometimes a day just doesn't work out for you.
It's gorgeous outside, you've got a rare day completely free of obligations and intend to adventure somewhere and/or check out a few things... regardless you're quite excited about it. Alas a rain cloud decides to hover over your plans, not reaching a storm or anything, but just enough to dampen the sunny mood. A store you wanted to visit is closed (despite Google saying otherwise), you just miss a train and the next one is jam packed, a drunken e-bike delivery guy runs a red and almost hits you... hell, you hold the door for a stranger and they (while taking their sweet ass time) silently give you a look like you just exposed your crotch to them. That kind of day that isn't exactly bad... but by the end of it, all that enthusiasm is long dry and you're sitting around thinking: "You know actually, that kinda sucked."
That in mind, Karachi Pizza! Karachi is of course the most populated city in Pakistan (a fact I totally knew beforehand... yep) while Karachi Pizza is a little pizza chain here in the GTA that claims to be where Italy meets Karachi. A fusion of cuisines, if you will. At the moment KP boasts eight locations, mostly in either Mississauga (where the first one opened in 2021) or Scarborough, while downtown Toronto has a singular outpost located on Queen West.
Disclaimer: my experience with South Asian/Middle Eastern takes on pizza have generally been underwhelming at best (there's another pizza review coming in the near-future related to that). Halal does limit what you can do of course (not to mention pork is pretty damn good on pizza) but places like Pizza Shab, Pizza Pide and 6ix do quite a good job offering a quality pie around those restrictions (not going cheap on the beef also helps). As such, I was quite intrigued to try Pizza Karachi... imagining exotic spices and flavours within the context of a pizza, I had strong hopes this would be exceptionally good.
I went to the location on Lebovic Avenue just south of the Golden Mile. The place had nary a soul on 6pm this particular Monday evening, nor did I see anybody else enter during the half hour I was in the area. Not encouraging. Their prices certainly don't do much to appeal to newcomers: a personal sized pizza (probably the size of a 45 record) of any of their "gourmet" pizza options clocks in at over eighteen bucks, while a more standard cheese or pepperoni still comes in well over a dozen before tax. That is seriously no bargain for a pie almost half the size of your typical wood-fired offering, which are generally only a few bucks more.
Whatever. I was still optimistic at this point (not to mention hungry) that premium price might mean premium quality. I got my little pizza, sat down outside and opened up the box.
Seeing all the toppings dried out... yeah my optimism quickly vanished into the setting Monday evening sun. This pizza is their "Mirchi Sauga" ("mirchi" meaning "chili pepper" or "hot" in Hindi): with a "special" tikka sauce, chicken tikka, green pepper, roasted green chili, chili flakes, coriander, black pepper and a "spicy cheese mix". This listing is straight from their website.
So how can a pizza with its own telephone directory of toppings and ingredients taste so goddamn bland and stale? Easy answer: cheap toppings... cheap ingredients... these will dry out very quickly when baked in an oven. You can get away with it, keep some of that necessary moisture, if there's a lot of sauce or the cheese is of a good quality and acts like a shield against that dryness. Nope and nope. Why was this eighteen bucks again? This was the smallest size, don't forget.
I will always argue that chicken can work on pizza, in the right time and place... but this example is not a good showing for that argument. When you have hunks of chicken that are this stringy and dried out... there's no saving that debate. Your chicken should never be crusty along the edges, folks.
The fact that all these toppings are so desiccated... well it makes what (in theory) should be big, bold flavours incredibly anemic and muted. There is some okay heat and spice in here (which frankly is the only thing saving this pizza from a complete and total savaging) and even then, it's mostly the kind of heat you get from a reasonable sprinkling of jarred chili flakes. Even the only semi-interesting aspect of this pizza isn't all that unique.
I mean, come on. Look at this thing. This was only two minutes after I got it.
The cheese is... likewise not of a good quality either. Very much reminded me of that pre-shredded kind you find in the grocery store. Soft enough, but entirely flavourless. Like... seriously. Eighteen bucks. As for the sauce, well you'll probably have as much luck tasting it via looking at that photo as I did actually eating it. A total non-presence beyond the wall of modest heat (which itself did not translate once the pizza cooled off).
The bread and the dough? Perhaps like a fresh baked naan, or some kind of buttery or light oily texture and taste? Dream on. Cakey, not at all tasting of a bread freshly prepared that day (or month)... just very empty tasting with a bizarre light crunchy chalky texture akin to those frozen Ristorante pizzas. Except those are a notch better than this (and considerably cheaper). A pizza made fresh should not have this kind of stale texture... and my stomach not feeling super awesome after three of these slices also agreed.
As for the dip before we mercifully get out of here... it's a bit like a creamy dill with a loose ranch consistency... although even the freaking dip doesn't have much zip or tang to it either. Honestly, I swear this pizza would probably taste almost the exact same if you had it immediately after a trip to the dentist and your mouth was loaded with novocaine. None of these flavours linger whatsoever. Just sad.
Overall... no.
Recently I've been encountering more minor disappointments in places I've tried: things I'm hoping will be extremely good but end up being merely good. Karachi Pizza is much more of a slide than that. Even hungry on my first couple bites I thought "That's it? That's all this is going to taste like?" and it never once even sniffed that low watermark again.
Look, it's far from the worst pizza out there. Is it better than Pizza Pizza or Papa John's? Sure. Maybe. However, I'm far less convinced it's better than say, Domino's. Or Pizza Hut. In fact in the case of the latter, definitely not. Pizza Hut for its own problems at least has a distinctive feel and flavour.
There's just no flavour here at all beyond a wall of modest heat and black pepper... the texture isn't great (dry and cakey)... the quality is cheap... plus it's expensive! On pure quality alone, Karachi Pizza is probably a "C--". I did actually finish it eating, which for a pizza to land lower into the 'D' tier usually means I don't even care whether I ever finish it or not (or in the case of Pizza Fiamma, shrugging after dropping half of it on the ground).
However, Karachi Pizza also felt insulting with it's long list of ingredients and descriptive flair, promising something culturally fused and unique and exciting... when it just ended up being the same basic shit most cheap crappy holes in the wall do, only with some extra cracked pepper and chilies. Don't insult this particular pizza reviewer and don't bother with this particular pizza, either. "D++".
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Burnt Ends
Aside from all these food reviews, I've also been slowly working on an article ranking all of Weezer's albums. Which... should be done and posted later this week, so stay tuned! I'm not the biggest Weezer fan (so to say, I'm not a hardcore Weezer guy) but Rivers Cuomo is a fascinating figure in rock music, plus I do like a lot of what they've done over the years. And so diving deeper into their catalogue was... well... you'll have to read my forthcoming piece to find out.
Tuesday Tune
This week's food couldn't even get me bloated (though thankfully not dead either).
That's all for this week! Next time hopefully won't be such a disappointment because... man. Until then, stay cool, stay safe and don't spill that mustard.
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