Serious question: have the writers of this show ever experienced a real story before? Have they ever read a book, or seen a well regarded film? I'm not just asking if they've seen Star Trek before, because they obviously haven't, but can they actually comprehend how a functional plot works? Are the concepts of intrigue, depth of characterization, genuine tension and subtle power complete foreign languages to these hac... I mean creative minds?
The answer is yes. Episode 4 of Star Trek: Picard season 2 might be my least favourite Trek episode of all time. I'm not kidding. Now I haven't seen every single episode of every series (and frankly after this experience you'd have to pay me to watch any other modern Trek), but I've seen most. Could there be some random Enterprise episode I haven't watched that challenges "Watcher" in badness? Perhaps.
But hoooo boy, this is some fucking trash right here. This challenges "Lights of Zetar" as the most unbearable Trek story I've ever sat through. It challenges "Sub Rosa" in terms of sheer awful melodrama. And yeah, it challenges the majority of Next Generation season 1 (you know, when that wonderful show sucked) in terms of obnoxious preachiness... hey, they got one thing right about Star Trek I guess! Great job, team. You're batting a thousand.
There's no point in me reviewing what happens in this episode, because frankly... I don't even know and nor could I give a fuck about what happens to these cookie cutter "dark gritty" characters. It's like everyone (except Picard) has been written like some cynical outcast with a nihilistic world view... and their character arc is how they learn to understand there is goodness in the universe. Did I just write five seasons of this show? I think I did. Where's my paycheque? Look, that particular kind of character can be extremely effective... people love Han Solo for well deserved reasons... but that's when it isn't every single fucking person in your story! Because here they all just blend together... and whatever viewpoint or personal tension or pathetic attempts at rogueish charm they have, none of it grabs you or stands out because this entire show is bonking you over the head every second with this shit.
I also can't tell you what happens in the episode because this entire story arc has such severe scatterbrain it gives me a headache trying to understand what's happening. Now our "heroes" are in 2024 Los Angeles (how fun), trying to find somebody called "the Watcher" (how vague) with a Borg Queen on their ship plotting against them (how yawn inducing) and some poorly disguised social justice messages mixed in (how trite). The frustration is that I agree with what this show is trying to say about these issues (immigration crack-downs, climate change etc) but when it's delivered like this, with the nuance of a giant gorilla bludgeoning you over the head with a piano... it's just so, so fucking unbearable.
Oh, and then there's the Guinan in the past bullshit. Hey, remember when the Next Gen crew went back in time to the late 19th century and met younger Guinan? They also met Mark Twain too but lets not get into that. Last I checked, 1895 is much earlier than 2024... so why is Guinan now acting like she's never met Picard before? It's well established (Time's Arrow is the episode) that Captain Picard caring for her in that 19th century story is how they become friends... and remember this stupid Picard plot implies that the timeline changes because of something happening in 2024. She points a gun at him! Seriously! And yeah, she also has this generic cynical bullshit worldview, like every other character on this lazily written garbage show. Fuck this. This is so fucking insulting, just plain bad. Bad!
Sorry, just needed to cleanze the palette there. That sure doesn't seem like an interaction that results in someone pointing a gun at the other a century later though, does it.
I will say, Agnes has become more tolerable. I guess merging with the Borg Queen or whatever it is they did mellowed out her obnoxiousness (it's still there, but not as constant thankfully). Also, geez it's so obvious the Borg Queen is gonna influence her/take her over... this show thinks it's being subtle but the clues literally scream at you in the face. Everything moves quickly and yet it thinks pulling off some predictable card trick in a rare moment under the speed limit qualifies as drama. Get lost, I'm not an idiot.
No, the most annoying character is definitely Raffi now. I don't understand why, but in so many of her scenes she acts like this is a high school production, or the actual scene is a rehearsal take. It's so over the top and unbelievable (I can't let go of Elron! A character I barely had a connection to!), and her sorta romance double act with Seven of Nine is equally unbearable and stupid. These two became an arguing love item off camera between seasons apparently, and now we're supposed to care about relationship problems you've spent no time whatsoever establishing? Oh and it's played as quippy comedy, because of course it is. Geeeeee.... zus.
Sorry, just had to cleanze the palette again.
I think the absolute botching of Seven of Nine has to be one of the most disappointing aspects of Star Trek: Picard. In that scene above you get Jeri Ryan wonderfully portraying somebody completely inexperienced with the emotions of losing somebody so alike to yourself, and she plays it like a balance of grief induced confusion. You completely understand what she's feeling, you feel the sudden heartbreak of someone who didn't even know they could feel such a thing. In Star Trek: Picard? She's just another of these generic cynical badasses who will vaporize anybody without a second thought. I post that scene above because I think how truly horrible Seven is in Picard isn't Ryan's fault, she can clearly be a very good actress when a character is written well. Which kinda is the problem with Picard, ain't it? It's written apparently by people with the vaguest comprehensions of Star Trek or even basic proper storytelling, and they're throwing random darts at a nostalgia board.
One last thing before I end this miserable review: a minor quibble but apparently their crashed ship can cloak itself? Picard announces "activate cloaking device" in a scene clearly designed to make him seem badass and clever... but unfortunately I have a brain and thus must ask a question or two. First off: you're crashing into 2024 Earth. Obviously our space technology isn't comparable to the world of Star Trek but we can still detect when things smash into our fucking planet, right? So... wouldn't it make sense to cloak the ship before smashing into Earth? I mean, why even bring this up at all? I was cool with the ship just crashing, maybe a goofy scene of some sheriff coming to investigate this weird ship and getting scared off. Cheesy but hey, at least that's something that tries. Nope, we've got a cloaking device! um apparently. Man, I can't recall watching anything to this degree of obliviousness: thinking it's so incredibly clever when in reality it's so exceptionally dumb. And the sad part is how straight this is played: like a gritty space action drama instead of even the slightest hint of self-acknowledgement in terms of how silly and unbelievable this all is.
Nah... it's painfully convoluted to the point that I don't even care what happens anymore, because these writers think they can juggle but they can't. It's also painfully contrived, forcing in characters you loved before because they need eyeballs to watch this mess. The good moments of Star Trek: Picard are a man desperately trying to stay afloat in an uncaring ocean. I want the man to make it ashore so badly but I know the ocean doesn't really give a shit. Fuck that ocean. Fuck this show.
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