I regret everything. Turn back now, before it's too late. Don't make the same mistake I did.
Still here? Don't say I didn't warn you.
We're back talking about an absolute flaming dumpster... it's Star Trek: Picard! A show that with each passing episode makes me wonder why I've wasted so much of my life loving Star Trek. Are these the stages of grieving? It does raise an interesting philosophical question: does the fact something this awful and lazy now exists within the canon (seemingly just to cash in on the goodwill of Next Generation) actually make what came before it worse by association? Is all of Star Trek... actually bad now?
I mean, this particular "Star Trek" is definitely bad. Stunningly so. There's so little more of this I can take that we're combining two episodes into a single review. It doesn't really matter, nothing of any consequence happens in either episode anyway... this is all just a complete pointless waste of your time.
What's so goddamn frustrating about this whole enterprise (see what I did again there) are some interesting sci-fi concepts in here... but they're buried far beneath the overpowering stench of self-righteousness this creative team wallows in. Every time I think to myself "hey, this could potentially be something cool" within a minute they've found a way to fart all over it with their usual brand of tepid dramatic bullshit. Every. Time. This is truly one of the most frustrating things I've ever watched, and perhaps even one of the very worst. I've seen freaking Hobgoblins for fucks sake... Plan 9 From Outer Space... Birdemic... Disaster Movie! (okay, nothing's as bad as Disaster Movie). At least (most of) those are quasi-charming in their sheer badness... Star Trek: Picard is about as charming as a hobo urinating in a crowded subway car.
Lets actually talk about the story of these two episodes, or at least this off-brand imitation of a narrative. Episode 6 continues with our Oceans Eleven/James Bond heist storyline, with our characters trying to sneak inside a gala so to protect Renee Picard from... bad vibes I guess? Agnes is now merged with the Borg Queen and gets captured on purpose so she can get the others inside the gala. Cliche but whatever. Once she stuns the guards and frees herself, she proceeds to return to the gala... constantly arguing with herself, ordering a drink from the bar, dancing in the ballroom... even singing on a stage! Gee, weren't you just in custody? Maybe you'd want to keep a low profile? Or is this just the dumbest event security in the history of fiction?
Speaking of constantly talking to yourself... our other characters make it so obvious they're up to something it's genuinely laughable. If this show didn't take itself so goddamn seriously I'd think this was a farce. There's literally a scene where security is checking them out, and they're speaking out loud in heist lingo into their communicators! "How incredibly suspicious... go right in, sir."
I have to mention the bizarre framing device this episode uses, specifically how it starts with Picard clearly wounded and bleeding on the ground, then cutting to a "34 minutes earlier" title card. Okay, that's something different... a non-linear narrative with some heavy foreshadowing... my curiousity is raised. Clearly this episode is going to be what happens in those 34 minutes that gets us to how Picard ends up in that dire predicament, ending on that moment but also revealing something else even more dangerous to our heroes, right? Otherwise, why use this framing device or that foreshadowing at all? This is basic storytelling stuff and... oh... right. For a moment I thought I was watching a show that was actually about something! Nope... Picard gets hurt with like ten minutes of the episode left (by Dr. Soong's car, because fuck you that's why), the "34/22/7 minutes earlier" stuff gets completely abandoned, and now the Watcher character has to go into Picard's mind to save him and dear god just save me from this already. What was the point of all that narrative foreshadowing? Because it 'looks cool' for half an episode? Gawd the people writing this are fucking idiots.
Another potentially interesting thing they piss themselves over: the Agnes/Borg Queen stuff. There's so much you can explore with that if you draw it out. Maybe Agnes is slowly seduced by the Queen... this new confidence and ability gradually turning her towards a Borg way of thinking, that everyone needs to be improved, 'perfected' like she has. It's very in line with what the Borg are! Nope, the Borg Queen just needed endorphins to take complete control of her, which happens halfway through the first episode they've been merged. No drama, no internal struggle. Just flick that switch to evil. I fucking hate this show so, so much.
Instead of stretching out a plot point that might be interesting, instead we get the aftermath of Dr. Soong's wild ride... lamenting to his daughter how she's "his life's work" about twenty times (in case you hadn't hit your yearly quota of tedium). But if even that didn't whack you over the head enough with it's obvious direction, we need a four minute scene of her sneaking into his lab and finding his notes and video logs describing her creation and GEEZUS FUCKING CHRIST WE GOT IT ALREADY! WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS???? This show treats you like you're a bloody imbecile, and hey it takes one to know one I suppose.
Lets move on to the second episode of this double feature of sludge, "Monsters". So yep, it's a Fantastic Voyage into Picard's dreamland... full of spooky quick cuts, scary creatures dragging Picard's mom away, little boy Picard being scared, lots of gothic imagery... you know, general nonsense. Actual Picard is also in there, undergoing some kind of interview/interrogation at the hands of a previously unseen character in a Starfleet uniform. At first I thought this going to be a "Chain of Command" type situation, that classic Next Gen episode where the Cardassian tortures Picard ("There are four lights!").
The slippery questions this interrogator asks really made me think he was trying to trick Picard, that if he was able to break him in this dream reality it might mean his actual death. It's a basic idea that's been done before in different ways, effectively revealing hidden subtle truths about our title character... or even regrets perhaps? Isn't that what this whole exercise Q devised is about? And once again, you'd think that the entire episode would be about trying to rescue Picard from this memory he's trapped in, right? I mean you can switch back and forth into the other crap I mean 'side plots' (lots of Raffi and Seven together again trying to find Agnes... yayyy) but here you've got something that's completely metaphorical and symbolic as far as it relates to our famed title character... maybe the kind of stuff you take your time with? Tap those brakes a bit and actually allow your audience some space to absorb some of this?
Of course they don't do that, because shut up. It's quick shots of ghouls, funky camera work (this show loves Dutch angles, and hey it worked for Battlefield Earth right?) and generic spookiness until interrogator guy is revealed to be Picard's father. He explains Picard's mother had severe mental health problems, explaining the presence of these monsters (sure whatever)... but then twist! There's even more to this side tale that we're not going to tell you yet! Cool, there's about thirty minutes of an episode that means absolutely fucking nothing about anything, revealing a tiny incomplete something that's likely inconsequential to the overall story arc of this season. Did I mention how this show is a complete waste of time?
When it's not gorging itself on uninteresting and pointless plot diversions, this show is just being impressively stupid. The episode actually ends with Picard meeting 2024 Guinan again in her bar so that she can summon Q via some ritual or something. Honestly, I've sat through so much dumb bullshit watching this show that silly stuff like that doesn't even bug me anymore. And for the hundredth time, I really thought for a moment they were going to do something slightly clever when instead it becomes the newest "dumbest plot twist I've ever fucking seen". Summoning Q doesn't work, but then a random dude wanders into Guinan's empty bar and asserts himself to stay despite Picard and Guinan clearly trying to have a conversation. I was thinking: "hey, maybe this guy is a Q! They summoned him by accident and he's just there being rudely obtuse until our characters figure out what has happened." Nope! He's a government agent! A SWAT team then storms in and arrests Picard and Guinan! Episode over!
I can't. I just can't. I just cannot believe.... how... FUCKING BAD this is. At this point I'm still watching out of morbid curiousity... what absurdly awful, painfully brainless direction will this story take next?
Is there anything I liked out of these two episodes? No. But is there anything I tolerated? Well... the Rios/doctor lady thing is 'meh' I guess. They're trying to do a Star Trek IV thing so obviously (Rios even copies Kirk's line of "No I'm from -----, I only work in outer space") and him beaming doctor lady and her son onto their time traveling spaceship likewise has the same feel of when marine biologist woman (I'm terrible with names) first sees the Klingon ship. I've already talked about the Agnes-Borg stuff, which is bad but campy and silly enough to be almost enjoyable? There's also the scene where Picard, posing as a old security guard, imparts some wisdom on his astronaut ancestor Renee who is still having her doubts about the mission. It's overwhelmingly cliche and contrived, yet charmingly so? There's a warmness Stewart conveys to the dialogue that sells it, and it's good when this show plays to its lead actor's strengths (it doesn't happen very often).
Everything else though... it's a supernova of garbage. The Raffi-Seven stuff is brutal to sit through: they have no chemistry, their bickering is played for comedy when it comes across like high school drama class, and Raffi might be the most inconsistently written character in the show. She warns Rios not to tell doctor lady too much about himself... don't contaminate the future! But earlier she wanted to teleport him off a bus full of people! Was this developed by a thousand different monkeys on a thousand different typewriters and cobbled together after the fact?
This show is truly one of the worst written things I've ever seen out of a production with an actual budget. It's better than the Star Wars prequels (yeah, we're at that level now) only because the effects aren't dated yet and at least the actors are trying to act. Often not succeeding, but trying at least. Otherwise.... just wow. Star Trek: Picard season 2 is little more than a bunch of story ideas crammed together without reason, logic or purpose and fired off down a nostalgia highway at maximum speed in hopes the audience doesn't notice what a lemon this car is. It takes the classic writing lesson of "show, don't tell" and decides constant yelling is the proper way to operate. It is sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Three more episodes to go! I'll just be over here, right by that open grave.
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