The Tuesday Taste: Wing Machine

 

 

 

With the birds and the bees

and all those groovy things

Like getting stomach aches

when ya gotta go to work

Or staring into space

when you're feeling berserk

Another Tuesday... another.... whatever this is? A Taste? Sure! The verdict of the judges is still being deliberated on that one, but regardless we shall proceed assuming this is a real review. 

Wing Machine is a franchise chain born seemingly in the mid-1980s that strove to share their uniquely delicious recipe of baked wings across all of metropolitan Toronto. They've objectively achieved half of that goal, now boasting dozens of locations throughout southern Ontario. Their website also brags that "Chicken Wings Aficionados have voted our baked wings Toronto’s best wings" (a lot of times to use "wings" in a wings sentence wings wings). Also, they've provided customers "healthier products" and well, if you haven't picked up the tone of this review yet I suppose I'm trying about as hard to be subtle as they are. 

This was my first ever visit to Wing Machine, although I used to live just a few blocks away from the same location I went for this review. Lets jump into nostalgia! Dear god it's far preferable than revisiting this food so please indulge me. I used to live near Monarch Park and Danforth in the early 2010s, and being the obvious teetotaler you all know and love... would often go to the LCBO there right at Greenwood (just to look at the windows and obviously not walk in for tasty beverages, obviously). A Wing Machine was still directly across the street from there even a decade ago, and despite some occasional curiosity I was loyal to my small local spot... Top Notch Pizza on the south-west corner of Danforth and Monarch (it's long gone, a Starbucks has been there for at least five years). 

Nevertheless, Wing Machine is a fast food chain that had been on my list to review for a while. Since I had some overdue painting work to do nearby, I figured (despite their horrific Google ratings) I'd at last pay them a look once I'd finished my labour. I mean, just drinking the paint instead might've not been all that worse a meal but... too late for regrets.

I'll stop being mean... for now. This is certainly not the Star Trek: Picard season 2 of food reviews: it's loaded with pointless backstory sure, but at least this will actually tie itself together and make sense. I finished my gig, wandered up to Danforth/Greenwood and checked out the many specials on the Wing Machine front window. Seriously... there were about nine specials and some of them contradicted each other. Not one to easily be lost in hunger (thanks a lot, jaded skepticism), I strolled inside knowing I wanted a pound of hot wings and their five dollar one-topping medium pizza special. 

The place wasn't packed or anything, but there was just one middle aged dude working the entire spot and I immediately felt sympathy and respect on him. Delivery orders, plus walk-ins like me... even on a Monday to do customer service and cook a bunch of wings and pizzas (with obviously different cooking speeds)... to steal an industry term you're definitely going to be in the weeds. 

I immediately wanted to believe this place could be an underrated gem. Even the folks waiting who got their orders praised the man, happily complimenting "you make the best food" aloud as they left. My intrigue continued to peak... enough that even once I wandered outside and realized the man hadn't even asked me what I wanted on my pizza, I was still cautiously optimistic. "It'll just be pepperoni" I told myself... stroking my beard, sipping my drink and slowly remembering the seedier elements of Greenwood/Danforth as they re-revealed themselves to my naive eyes under the setting sun.

I had to pay my bill, so the fella running the place (who I will continue to say was very friendly, despite my upcoming point) came outside to summon me. Now, I like to do a tiny bit of research for these reviews... just to know ahead of time what I'm going to order instead of winging it (see what I did there). Looking online at Wing Machine's menu... wow. This was pricey stuff for a chain not exactly regarded for excellence. I was committed to try the wings despite the price, but seeing the cheap pizza on the window was tantalizing enough to my hungry nature for a sale. So... seeing my bill come out was kind of weird and frankly a rather sketchy one. Twenty-six bucks for a pound of wings and a medium pizza... I guess that's the going rate for a "deal" these days... but wasn't my pizza five bucks? Not to mention, I only caught a brief glimpse of that price before being asked to tap or pay. 

This... I cannot oblige. I've been a bartender for some time and (without naming names or places) have seen some shady ass shit... and even the shittiest crowds that have treated me like cheap dirt (the dirt Moe Syzslak is better than) have still never pushed me to any point of charging dishonestly. To give this WM fella the benefit of the doubt, he was busy (I presume) and most likely wanted to get the transaction over with as quickly as possible so to get back to other things. But still. With this in mind, despite a perception skewed by basketball podcasts, repetitive wood painting and considerable hunger... I deliberately cancelled the transaction on the debit machine and claimed a "whoops! Hit the wrong button."

We try the transaction again, but this time he asks me for my card and inserts it himself, and if he can tap What??? Am I just not very trusting or maybe crazy because I'd like to know what I'm paying? It was a pre-paid card from one of my jobs (long story) with barely thirty bucks left so I wasn't exactly worried, plus this fella probably had seven other orders to prepare in the next ten minutes... it was just... weird? Not to mention once again I never confirmed the price of my order. This just doesn't feel right to me, despite it still resulting in the same price I'd glimpsed for a split second earlier. Whatever, at last I was off to finally sample Wing Machine cuisine for myself...

...except, where to sample it? Greenwood and Danforth isn't exactly a blooming intersection with benches or sitting areas... rather it's a spot that suggests you hastily get the hell out of there (the later evening residents especially). Well... I knew of an empty grassy lot just a bit south of Danforth, as it happens to be on Oakvale Avenue, the old street my father grew up on (before they all moved to Winnipeg when he was in Grade One I believe). I slip over there and... finally! I can try this machine of wings and their pizza option. Damn I was hungry... this medium pizza and pound of wings would surely solve that... right? The optimism was still there.

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Enough stalling, time for the least interesting part of this article: the food itself. Hey, doing my usual backstory stuff and then opening with some classic hip-hop lyrics wasn't decent stalling? Meh? 

Bah. Fine... well, Wing Machine is pretty goddamn terrible. You probably knew this already. I didn't! I suspected it might be, but finally experiencing exposure... yeah there's not a lot here. It's pretty bad, like seriously.... really bad. Bland as the frozen version of hell. I didn't even finish it, which I never (not) do.

The only positives are: the hot sauce on the wings are more of a pastey chili mix than a cheap vinegary/Frank's Hot. A decent spice that deserves a far, far higher quality of wing. Also... this pie is better than Pizza Pizza, though not even by much. It has about as much flavour and the only advantage for WM pie (yeah I don't even wanna use the full name anymore, that's how little I want to write this) is how thin it is. Even then, isn't that more of a cop-out? If that's their usual pizza and they charge those prices for their signature creations? And that's all you get? Imagine paying twenty bucks and getting a bland, pathetic snack like this. Just... wow. At least Pizza Pizza gives you a lame bang for your buck. This is seriously one of the weakest pizzas I've ever reviewed... a D++ for the record, and it's barely ahead of the grossly salty one that tasted obviously frozen beforehand (*cough* Scaddabush) or the other that was so rubbery it genuinely made me sick. 

 

 

On the topic of frozen pizzas, this reminded me of these mini-frozen pizzas I used to get from the Rabba's on Isabella Street back in 2005... only difference is that the cheese on here is better because it actually bleeds properly into the pie. Beyond that pleasant familiarity (of a freaking 99 cent frozen mini-pizza)... there's nothing to this WM pizza at all. It's like it barely exists in our physical universe: none of the flavours are individually remarkable enough to leave any impression... this is the pizza with a taste that departs as quickly as a Vlad Guerrero Jr. dinger (and at least Vladdy has some flair). While the absurdly thin texture here gives some fleeting sense of enjoyment, any flavour is incredibly one dimensional beyond the basic elements of greasy cheese, greasier pepperoni, sauce-based something (there's only a teaspoon of it on the whole thing anyway) and doughy bread that lingers in your mouth suspiciously long once those other elements have departed and been forgotten. None of this tastes right... and while this super thin pizza has the advantage of not resembling cardboard like Pizza Pizza or Domino's, at least those pies are a cheaper and greater source of sustenance. Geez, this was just sad. Also, why the hell was it in a Domino's box? Seriously, look below:

 

 

The place is called Wing Machine... how about them wings? Well, they are better than the pizza. Better enough to pay 15 bucks for a pound? Without veggies, fries or a dip? Plus tax? Yikes. Like, seriously... those people praising this food when I happened to walk in and place my order... was this a Truman Show situation? I was supposed to walk in precisely at that moment and it was all scripted? I have no other explanation... because these wings were also kindaaa pretty terrible. 

As mentioned, the hot sauce was different than I expected. I'm used to various places advertising their "hot" as a vinegar mix that stings the tongue but remains widely accessible. This hot sauce was at least more of a chili pepper paste meant to seep into the chicken, and that flavour did pop... once in a while. Problem is... the quality of this chicken is frankly fucking pathetic. Like, seriously. You're charging this much for a pound, when high quality pubs charge slightly more and at least provide veggies and dip and also something that never ever looks like this:

 

 

What is that? Dr. Zoidberg's fried mini claw? How is it barely larger than my fingernails? Seriously? This is fucked. These wings (not just the ones pictured) had so many little bones in them I was worried spitting them out so much in a public park because a random dog could come around and choke. Wing Machine everybody! The sad thing is (despite the sketchiness of the debit transaction) I believe the fella who made my order genuinely did his best. This is all he had to work with. Yikes.

The wings themselves... sort of okay in certain bites (especially with the sauce) but really damn fatty and greasy in those bites also. So much for "highest quality ingredients" or "striving for healthiness". There were also very few drumstick wings in here either... I counted two, both were misshapen and unbelievably dry and stale. Meanwhile you have a bunch of wings here sure... but they're all tiny, filled with shards of bone, fatty as hell when they're not crunchy (everyone loves a crunchy wing) and there's just an extreme cheapness to the entire operation here. If these tiny ass wings and crepe-shaped pizza all added up to half the price it was, I'd still think I'd been hoodwinked. This here? Bloody highway robbery, no survivors. I praised Maker Pizza last week and while griping about the expense, that pie is worth seven hundred times anything you see here. 

 

Overall! Would I recommend you check out Wing Machin-ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NO NO NO NO FUCK NO! This is just beyond horrible considering the quality and the boosted price. Not the worst pizza I've ever had but possibly the most forgettable... meanwhile the wings are less of a machine and more of a choke hazard factory. I've reviewed worse things but boy this gets awful close to those discomforts. Maybe if they were actually cheap I could understand getting the wings... maybe... (just have a buddy nearby who knows the Heimlich). At fifteen bucks a (pathetic) pound though? Treat yourself and go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I'm never going back as long as I live, there or any other Wing Machine. I'm running out of synonyms for "overpriced" and "awful".   

 

 

Burnt Ends -- Kinda looking for inspiration, to be completely honest. Wanting to write but lacking any real ideas to get into. Very open to suggestions. 

 

This Week's No Context Looney Tunes Image -- 

 

  

Tuesday Tune -- I'm truly the dictionary definition opposite of somebody knowing anything about hip-hop. But even I can appreciate a good groove, good lyrics and good flow...

 

 

That's all for this week! Next time... I definitely need to review something actually good again. For real. Until then! Stay safe, enjoy the summer, make sure you know what you're getting on your pizza and definitely don't spill that mustard on it.