The Tuesday Taste: Five Guys Burgers and Fries

 

I miss the East End

high up on the Khyber

And I'm the target 

for a dozen rebel snipers

It's not so bad though

with some beers in the freezer

And something fancy

in the air-conditioned sleeper 

 

 

Another Tuesday.... another... what day is it? Tuesday? Perfect! Another Taste it is. 

Please excuse my unexplained two week absence... I genuinely try to make this a consistent weekly thing but also, life happens. Without getting into specific details, a couple weekends ago was pretty rough and shook my already wobbly foundation a bit. To sum it up neatly, I blame Wing Machine and their truly putrid imitation of "food" for all of it. Such a disaster of cuisine clearly shook me up to the point I needed a week off. At least I am a new tie wearing.

This time, I wisely set my sights towards something I could at least realistically hope wouldn't suck: Five Guys. They've been in Toronto for a while now, with multiple locations throughout the general downtown-ish area (Golden Mile, Leaside, Stockyards, plus Dundas Square). Oddly enough they've been around these parts much longer than I expected... I'd assumed this was an import occurring within the past 5-7 years. Nope! BlogTo was reviewing them as early as 2011, and the Dundas Square location (which I visited) appears to have opened in 2012. Where does all this damn time go? Can I have some of it back? My legs hurt. 

The backstory of Five Guys dates back to Washington DC in 1986 (hey they're older than me) when the Murrell family (or to be specific, the "four young" Murrell brothers upon advice from whom I assume are their parents) started a burger business in Arlington, Virginia (Arlington is about as close to Washington DC as Bathurst is to Yonge Street. Possibly closer). Anyhow, according to their website, their business slowly gained a cult following in the DC area and by the late 90s with now five locations they'd run out of franchising space in the region. So, in 2002 they branched outward into Maryland and other nearby states, and the brand has just kept expanding since then... now with a reported 1500+ locations worldwide and a thousand more potentially on the way. 

Also, before I forget... apparently the "Five Guys" moniker refers to those very same brothers. A fifth one was born as the business was finding its legs. An actual Origin Story! Take that, Wing Machine! Sheesh, at least have the effort to make up one... but not putting effort into a quality product describes that particular franchise quite adeptly.  

To the food itself! This was indeed the very first time I'd ever tried Five Guys, believe it or not. I've been curious about Five Guys the entire time (which has apparently been 11 years? Geeeeeez) but never curious enough to venture out and give them a shot. Well hey, a great thing about these weekly reviews is how it gets me off my lazy ass and out on an adventure. 

And an adventure this was. I could've gone to the Golden Mile location (it is much closer to my house) but I wanted that downtown feel... so Dundas Square it was. Hopped off the Queen streetcar with my bike (like I said, lazy ass) and wandered into the Five Guys location just south of Gould Avenue. 

The customer service was truly excellent. I was taken aback as I knew going in my order would be simple, but I did not know this was the kind of place where you can choose your own toppings. Nevertheless, I always appreciate kind patience from a customer service worker (especially dealing with an awkward oddball like myself). It had also been possibly months since I last ordered a fast food burger, but fortunately I remembered my standard go-to when wanting to review a cheeseburger for quality: mayo, mustard, lettuce and pickles. Simple, nothing to overwhelm the core elements of the burger but also enough to add that secondary support to the burger. Pleased with this decision, I went on downstairs to the bathrooms (I'd been holding it in on the streetcar since Pape)... and this is where the story takes a turn. 

I'm in this downstairs bathroom at the Dundas Square Five Guys location, and somebody aggressively tries opening the door. It's locked sturdily (phew), and it's also one of those doors that will show "VACANT" or "OCCUPIED" in a little slit above the doorknob. I think nothing of it in the moment... this stuff happens (I've been to seedy bars before, after all). A minute later, the person starts banging aggressively on the door. I yell back my presence inside and hear a very scattered apology. The sense of this type of person is now forming in my mind. A moment later I also overhear him asking a stranger "do you know the code to this bathroom?" which is not a comfortable thought (bless that person for not replying). Anyhow, I'm already finishing my business and washing up at this point. I exit and this dude comments "Oh you're alive!", impressive considering I think the entire time he'd been waiting was no more than three minutes. 

I get back upstairs and look around for my order (I was looking in the wrong place, it was probably ready already) but wait for a bit near the take-out counter. The same dude from downstairs comes back up suspiciously quickly and begins causing a ruckus near the front of the restaurant. He's a white dude, somewhere between 35-50, balding, lanky and very clearly living in a different universe than all of us. Suddenly he's walking back and forth to the counter and back to a stool, back and forth, back and forth... babbling incoherently the whole time... and then the catchphrase comes. The wonderful young woman who served me (with a phone in hand ready to call the cops) asks him "Are you drunk?" to which he replies "You wish I was, honey! I'm a professional!". I... I can't even. Just, yeah. Interpret that any way you like.

Time to actually talk about this food thing. The place is called Five Guys with "Burgers and Fries" as a subtitle, so on my very first trip ever it seemed ideally fair to try those very same burgers and fries.

Starting with the fries, as I like to do (I used to be one of those weirdos who would eat all the fries first before taking a single bite of the burger... which unsurprisingly resulted in the consumption of many a cold burger). These fries remind me a lot of those cheap food truck offerings you get (either outside Toronto City Hall or by UofT campus): fried in a very specific oil (Five Guys uses peanut oil by their own account) with lots of potato skin and various sizes of fry... from tiny bits to large clunkers. 

However, Five Guys fries (man what a weird rhyme) is a superior product to any of those food trucks without question. These aren't incredible, but you at least get a nice sense of real potato in here... and the texture holds together firmly beyond just "crispy fried-ness". There's a good mix of crunchy and soft, but rarely too far in either direction. Definitely minimal seasoning (more on that later) but a good french fry can survive alone if the texture and flavour is strong. The biggest reason I find McDonald's fries simply repulsive is how much they rely on that singular greasy, oily flavour... and each one tastes exactly the same from start to finish. Blech. They taste good for about thirteen seconds, then the regret kicks in. Five Guys fries (again that stupid incidental rhyme) however... pretty solid I'd say. I'd prefer more in terms of something distinctive or notable, but all those great elements you want in a french fry (crispiness, potato depth, slight saltiness) are there. Thumbs up I'd say... good but not incredible.

 

 

Now the burger. I must say I was surprised to find a double patty upon unwrapping this baby. Despite my thoughts about double burgers (usually not into it... I find the heavy beef presence usually just overwhelms the whole thing... throw your stones accordingly!)... when you have thinner patties like Five Guys does, it can really work. Plus... In-N-Out's Double Double is possibly the very best cheeseburger that has ever existed... but that's a review for another far, far off day.

I like my cheeseburgers pretty simple most of the time, and as said above my default go-to is mayo, mustard, lettuce and pickles. Upon first bite... yeah. Damn yeah. This is my kind of jam. The balance is the strongest aspect here: plenty of beef, but the cheese, bun and topping ratio all evens out into a nice little harmony. This is indeed pretty heavy on the processed cheese, but if you're going to do that then do it like it's done here: gooey and oozing all over the place. The beef itself is a step above any general fast food burger you'll find from the big chains: Wendy's is tasty but fairly flavourless, Burger King barely tastes like food, Harvey's is plenty juicy but always tastes of char, A&W is good but excessively salty and McDonald's... tastes like McDonald's. Five Guys, even in this expanded franchise form, clearly uses a better quality beef and the results show. There isn't much in the way of seasoning here, just a standard nicely cooked ground beefy flavour. Very nice. 

Does it match Rudy though? In my opinion the very best Toronto burger chain? Nope. It's not close, either. Rudy is a true spiritual smash burger that can almost rival Shake Shack (not surpass, but the conversation can be had). Five Guys isn't a smash burger, but the softness of the patties inside does remind me of that wonderful mouth texture and enjoyable taste of that from bite to bite... just without the wonderful flavoured crispiness and layers a true smash burger provides. This here is more like Burger's Priest, except probably a bit better? I haven't had Burger's Priest in quite a while (last time would've been this) and frankly I've never been totally blown away by any of their burgers, despite living right near the original location. They're good, don't get me wrong... maybe the shtick rubs me the wrong way I dunno.  

Overall! I would indeed recommend Five Guys. It's legit a very solid burger chain, which was a minor pleasant surprise. Not that I expected them to be horrible, but quasi-overrated fast food imports have burned me before. 

Five Guys keep it all very simple... straight up cheeseburgers and fries without any frills or gimmicks, minimal seasoning (which is a positive and a negative) and I can respect that. The "choose your own adventure" aspect of the toppings caught me off guard but hey, I like being able to either dig my own grave or build my own stairs upwards to the sky. This was the kind of review where while eating this wasn't an eye-popping experience, I really appreciate something good done with modest quality, genuine care and a particular level of passion most fast food chains claim but never actually execute. Check them out if you can, though I suggest you hopefully avoid the tweaked out crazies at 5pm on a Monday of course....

 

Burnt Ends --  I always feel bad when I skip a week (pay no attention to those several weeks I skipped from January to April.... Shhhhhh.... shhhhhh). I'll have another little review coming up later this week, assuming catastrophe doesn't strike of course. Assumptions make an ass of all of us, of course. 

I also (in a sun-roasted haze) came up with an idea for a novel Saturday night. If/once it gets off the ground, I'm sure those updates will be coming here... hey where'd everyone go? How do I have negative page views somehow???

 

British Beer Fella -- I'd like to share this video from a charming (but also semi-pretentious) international beer judge who does a blind beer tasting of generic American macro-breweries. His insights into the process of brewing and beer itself are interesting to laymans like myself, and as somebody who has drank many beers in his life (you can tell) I'm endlessly impressed when somebody can identity particular hops just from an aroma of a brew. This dude also happens to really remind me of the British version of a fella I used to play baseball with (and who hired me a painter for a couple gigs)... it's quite uncanny. If you're somehow reading this, buddy... I mean it as compliment by the way!

Here's the video:

 

 

Tuesday Tune -- Was on a Squeeze kick two weeks ago, and then all hell kinda crushed things suddenly. It's certainly no fault of this album, which came out 42 years ago and over half a decade before I was born. Also... Squeeze is just an awesome band... Jay Ferguson of Sloan (I believe) has cited East Side Story as an album he loves dearly. 

This song is off the album previous to that: Argybargy. Which is at least a Top Seven 80s album for me, quite probably higher. Here's Glenn Tilbrook taking you on a (mis)adventure...

 

That's it for me! Good to be back, and hope to resume the regular scheduling of trying these prominent food chains... for better or worse.... gulp.

Until next time, stay safe, stay healthy, keep cool under the summer heat and don't spill that mustard.