The Tuesday Taste: Burger King's Big Fish vs. McDonald's Filet-O-Fish

 

 

And just when I was sure

that his teachings were pure

He drowned himself in the pool

His body is gone

but back here on the lawn

His spirit continues to drool 

Another Tuesday, another Taste. As I wrote last week, various circumstances are making these reviews trickier to pull off consistently every Tuesday, and so there's a good possibility of another extended hiatus coming on the horizon. For now, we're playing it week by week and with the 75th episode potentially arriving soon... hopefully that can serve as a grand send-off should we reach that threshold. 

For now, lets ditch that sad talk and instead dive into some sad sandwiches! Or... are they actually sad? My expectations certainly predicted sorrow. This is an idea I came up with back when I brought the TT back to life this past April: how would the fish sandwiches of these two fast food burger juggernauts match up against each other? I mean, neither appeared interesting enough on their own to devote an entire review to... so why not pit them against each other in a classic battle royale with cheese? 

I'd never tried the BK Big Fish before, but the Filet-O-Fish? Definitely familiar, although it had been a long, long time. I was an extremely weird kid (so much has changed since) and went through a period of at least four years where I refused to eat any kind of beef burger. It's probable at six years old I got really sick one night after eating a cheeseburger cooked by whoever, and thus stubbornly decided to not eat any burger ever. Again, I did this for years. Considering how much of my childhood I spent in California, and thus within close proximity to many In-N-Out Burgers... it's a true face palm.

While eventually I realized how damn amazing a good cheeseburger is, during this exile from burgers I vaguely remember going to McDonald's quite a few times (as will inevitably happen when you're 7 years old... or any years old it seems). While these are fuzzy childhood memories from the mid 90s here, I have solid recollection of getting the Filet-O-Fish quite a few times as a burger substitute during this period. Until this review you are currently reading... whenever that last Filet-O-Fish 9 year old me ate was, would've been the last time I ever had one. 

Fresh eyes! Or... fresh tongues? That would be more accurate, although I only have one tongue... whatever! Lets get into this comparison between these two fish sandwiches, you know before all the awful processed chemicals in each of them render me incapable of properly forming thoughts plastic butter rocket show!         

 

First, lets compare both of these by basic appearance. This is indeed a photo I took, with both sandwiches having been prepared and given to me within 20 minutes of each other (Victoria Park and Danforth happens to have a McD's and a Burger King within a couple long football tosses of the other).

On the merit of appearance, I think this is an easy victory for Burger King. It's a far larger sandwich, you've got the lettuce to add some colour whereas the Filet-O-Fish looks more the part of a collectable kid's toy than an actual edible item. BK also has the better logo, for whatever that's worth (looking at bubbly words between two buns? I like the imagery). 

Second, the price. Both of these were surprisingly light on the wallet: the BK Big Fish was about 30 cents cheaper at 5.68 with tax (I don't get combos because I'm cheap and both places have terrible fries regardless). Considering how again I'm not even an occasional purchaser of food from either establishment, I presumed a fish sandwich would be more expensive than any trademark beef burger they offered. You go to any grocery store and even the cheapest fish will likely cost more than ground beef. While this surprise was a pleasant bonus to my slowly dwindling wallet (like seriously I need a real job)... the low price point with both of these raised a suspicious eyebrow towards their quality. Regardless, price-wise this has to be a draw. Neither was even six bucks by itself, so they both win.

 

 

Getting into them individually, lets start with McDonald's Filet-O-Fish. If you've read the Tuesday Taste for a while, you should know by now that I hold no affinity for McDonald's whatsoever. The Big Mac tastes of imitated food, the McChicken far too processed and juicy to seem real, and my experience with the Quarter Pounder left such an unremarkable impression I wrote 5am prose (truly the best kind of prose) instead of a real review (which is still one of my favourite Tastes I've written, heh).

However! I gotta say... this actually wasn't bad. It wasn't good... don't miss catching me on this curveball, but for the first time since reviewing McDonald's this actually felt more like a real food item than a quickly assembled and distributed product. 

The quickly assembled and distributed aspect of it is by far its greatest weakness. Looking back on my previous McDonald's reviews, I mention every time how their buns completely suck. Well shocker! This bun here is also terrible and completely sucks. It's so stiff without any kind of natural flakiness (real) bread would have in that condition... instead you get an awkward texture with little give and tastes of nothing beyond plastic butter (callback to a previous joke!). 

It's also a minimalist sandwich, as beyond the bun and fish patty all you get is a dollop of tartar sauce and a slice of processed cheese. Also... processed cheese on a fish sandwich? Why??? This is incredibly strange to me... cheese in its natural form and various marvelous shapes and tastes, is not a typical compliment for any fish, in any of its form. I could see something like a goat cheese or a melted mozzarella... more for creaminess or cheesy texture, but processed cheese? It's so weird! Not as weird as how they placed it on this particular sandwich however...

 

 

I mean, this is just funny. Why is my Filet-O-Fish licking its lips? Does it sense some prey off in the distant wilderness of the swampy Quarry Lands? You ever get a sandwich that could take a bite outta you?

All right, enough self-amusement. Despite its simplicity and horrible bun, the Filet-O-Fish was actually rather decent. The processed cheese is obnoxiously out of place (and thankfully physically out of place in this case), but I was okay with the taste of the fish here. I would've liked it a bit crispier, as the outside corners tended to lack juiciness... but all the way through I could taste an actual fish flavour throughout. Quite similar in texture to a quality frozen battered fish filet, except with enough tenderness and consistent taste (and not that frozen flavour that stings the tip of the tongue) to elevate it just a bit above the generic players in that game. 

Seriously, I was surprised how 'okay' this was. The texture and taste of the fish was consistently there, and it was never too dry or tough. Compositionally (it's a word now damnit) this definitely needs more: McDonald's clearly has pickles... a couple of those (even in the wimpy condition McD's would provide) really could elevate this sandwich another level. Their tartar sauce as well: I liked how it had bits of relish in there and a very slight hint of citrus sweetness in the mayo... but like the sandwich it is really missing something. Eating this, while exceeding my low expectations, was disappointing in how there are so many ways to make this thing better. Nobody wants your garbage cheese* on there! Trade that out for some pickles, coleslaw... even goddamn lettuce! I don't like you, McDonald's... not at all... but even I think you can tweak this into something I'd respect. 

*I'm sure a lot of people like the bland un-melted processed cheese on the Filet-O-Fish, and hey... it's okay to be wrong

 

 

Onto the second challenger of this main event... the BK Big Fish. 

Wow... where to begin with this one. I must say, the size of the sandwich gave me initial optimism, not to mention the plentiful lettuce. This is a potato bun as well, not exactly the freshest version you'll find (the cracking veins you see are surely exhibit A) but for this bun to actually have some kind of distinctive flavour and texture presence is an enormous step above the pathetic hand-held shells McDonald's offer. 

The "tartar" sauce is where this fish sandwich really starts to lose the goodwill, like a found wallet immediately erupting single dollar bills onto busy Bay Street. This is not a tartar sauce. Trust me, I've made basic tartar sauce before. It's absurdly simple. Mayo, relish, lemon juice, maybe some dill, profit. This here (aside from a speckle or two of relish that might exist by mistake) is just mayonnaise that may have been left out in the sun too long. At least McD's tartar sauce had some of that relish tang, and enough sweetness to actually be distinctive... and I cannot believe I'm favourably comparing McDonald's against anything but here we are. 2022 man.

Okay... so this is just a fish sandwich with lettuce and mayo. How's the fish? Isn't that the whole point of everything here, Mr. West Collier Street? TELL US THE POINT ALREADY! Well, first be sure to like and subscribe to West Collier Street so you can get all the updates to see what reviews I'm planning in the future! 

Look... I'm gonna keep my thoughts on the BK Big Fish as concise as possible. This is an obvious challenge for me, no shit... I could write a dozen paragraphs about my history with hummus (and would be happy to do so). Concise thoughts! Um, the BK Big Fish kinda sucks. Like, really sucks. It's bad... and here's why:

First off, the edges are exceptionally dry. I was suspicious how it took a single minute for my Filet-O-Fish to be ready, and then was optimistic how it took several minutes for my BK Big Fish to come out. That must mean they're making and frying it to order, right? RIGHT? When will I ever learn. Nope, this BK Big Fish has the texture of having sat outside on a porch overnight and then microwaved to be presentable. Horribly stale and flavourless on the outsides, while the interior tenderness has oozed away into the next plane of existence. Can I join it? This fish sandwich was just so goddamn bad... despite its size I think I got a hint of fish maybe three times in the dozen bites it took to consume it. Meanwhile the texture and flavour of the fish was rubbery and weird... did I say weird? That too, but also revolting. 

All you taste is mayo, lettuce, a not fresh potato bun and then a fried fish patty that seems squeezed free from any flavour it once had. It's pretty terrible, and my poor stomach immediately disagreeing with my life choices upon finishing it? Deal sealed. 

 ---

Overall! I would recommend neither of these. The Filet-O-Fish though, actually, does what I really thought impossible: make me nod at McDonald's in semi-respect. It is the clear winner here because as boring and (way better it could be with some additions) basic as the Filet-O-Fish is... it does taste like a collage of fish flavour throughout. The somewhat crispy texture and tenderness is there, and while I'd like it a bit crispier... the middle part of the sandwich does not lack the ground-floor necessities to make a breaded fish sandwich work. Man.... it needs a way better bun and something (anything!) to punch up the supporting flavours though. As is, the Filet-O-Fish tastes like a first draft. Like any first draft, to make it better you probably have to ditch the thing you put in there just to appease your own sense of cleverness... like processed cheese on a fish sandwich for starters.

The BK Big Fish is awful, and I definitely recommend you steer far away from it. This is something that could maybe be good... they clearly have an strong concept of construction (lettuce, potato bun) of how to make a sandwich interesting... but the fish itself is just so far below-acceptable that none of it matters. Blech. Also 'Blech the Sequel': McDonald's wins this showdown! That's it, I'm retiring. Freedom 35, right? That's what Ricky, Julian and Bubbles planned in season 3 it worked out amazing for the--- oh. Goddamnit. I'm doomed. Thanks for reading everybody! 

 

Burnt Ends -- Gonna write a look at the Sloan discography. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week... but soon. 

Oh, I also wrote a huge baseball article about the top MLB free agents and how they might fit on the Blue Jays. 

 

Tuesday Tune -- It's a grim one for these grim times. Beauty in the sadness and all that.

 

That's all for now. As I mentioned above, this might be the end for a while. Hopefully the upcoming week puts life in a better light, both for you and for myself, but until whatever that is... stay safe, stay well and don't spill that mustard.