The Tuesday Taste: McDonald's Big Mac (with fries)

 

 

A worried man with a worried mind

No one in front of me and nothin behind

There's a woman in my lap and she's drinking champagne

 

In-N-Out Burger is a true classic American hamburger chain. Based out of California, they have... oh wait... I have things confused *ruffles notes* Oh! Oh. This one.

McDonald's is an American hamburger chain, based out of California. The original McDonald's restaurants were a small southern California franchise in the late 40s that entrepreneur Ray Kroc aggressively expanded into undoubtedly the most successful fast food corporation in the world. I definitely suggest you read about all that stuff because it is fascinating. The genuine model of what "fast food" is, was established here.

Personally I have an unusual McDonald's perspective: that I've rarely eaten it in my entire life. As a child, I was self-convinced for multiple years that hamburgers made me sick... so ballpark guess I probably went from ages 7-12 without eating a cheeseburger. Once I discovered how damn tasty they can be though... I was hooked. McDonald's though never appealed to me, even in junior high... and this perception continued even into my early 20s times of downing pints with buddies in the Annex. These friends and I would consistently end up at the McDonald's location at Avenue Road and Bloor: they'd order massive combos while I'd just sit there perfectly content with nothing as they chowed down. It's not like I wasn't hungry, and their food smelled good... I just was honestly never tempted (beyond a friendly stealing of a french fry).

Point is, I can try this with a very unique and objective viewpoint. I'm genuinely just not all that familiar with what this tastes like. Hey though! I'm kinda a food reviewer type person now, so why not try it again with my experienced perspective! 

So... I wandered off to a closeish location in east Leslieville, ordered a Big Mac (no onions) with a small fries, found a nearby park and dug in.

Yeeeeeahh....

I know lots of you love this stuff, crave it, treat yourselves to it. Honestly, whatever makes you happy and whatever reward you want to give yourself for something positive: that's all good and I support it. I'm here, without particular attachment, to analyze what qualities this as food actually has. And I have a very strong conclusion:

It's bad. 

Like, it's just very, very not good. I don't mean a "it's bad for you health-wise" way, which it also obviously is... but this just also doesn't taste like food. I went into this expecting to be underwhelmed yet find some kind of renewable charm within. Nope. Not even that. Allow me to dissect it in my usual way:

First off, the bun sucks. It's very stiff, utilized as nothing more than a basic edible containment for the content within. It has the consistency of a fresh bread you left exposed overnight, without the freshness. The sesame seeds are for show because they have little impact on the taste. Also, what's up with that middle bun? It barely matters. Second: the cheese (as you can see it photowise) is barely melted. As far as processed cheese goes this is rather okay, but unmelted cheese on a cheeseburger? No! Suspicious Fail. 

Third: the hamburger patty itself, and the biggest weakness of all. It's fast food, I get it, and I doubt the patty in a Whopper is much different (I'll get to BK eventually, I promise)... but I had to taste the beef by itself and really dug deep it to find any flavour resembling what it's supposed to be. That flavour? Overcooked ground beef. What a winner!

The composition of the burger itself is genius and that deserves credit. The problem is that the product simply gives you the sensation of eating something. The texture is enjoyable and addictive (I did finish it despite not liking it), but the taste is forgettable surface. I enjoy consuming food, therefore I like this and therefore it is food.

These legendary McDonald's fries are likewise the same. Are McDonald's fries crisp, salty and great to snack on? I can't deny that. Is that because they taste so good? Um... they taste like salt and oil, and they're so thin that -that initial crisp tries carrying your taste buds through the experience. They remind me of Ruffles brand chips: a classic flavour that departs immediately... leaving just texture as you chomp the nothingness away. It's no wonder they're addictive because that first instant is so gratifying but then it fades so fast, your brain wants that first feeling again and again.

I'll throw a positive though: the Big Mac sauce ("Secret Sauce") is pretty nice. I mean, it really is just warm mayo mixed with relish and maybe a sweet mustard? My biggest conundrum was trying to figure out why it has that light red-ish colour, but the mayo/relish combo is obvious. It's very similar to a tartar sauce. Also! A dude in the ordering area was training somebody for potential employment right when I walked in to make my order... and his instructions were so unceasingly basic customer service stuff that it amused me. As a former(? who the hell knows) customer service bartender type person myself, it was so fascinating to see somebody 100 percent committed to just lessoning somebody (not a real word, I know). 

Anyway. The Big Mac sucks. The fries are simply crack potatoes. That's just my opinion though. We're all human and I won't think any less if you delight in eating one. Jim Gaffigan explains it better than I can.

 

Burnt Ends -- Lots and lots of stuff! I'm on a bit of a bender reviewing independent restaurants nearby me here in the Beaches, so check out my latest East End Eats! Here's Mira Mira Diner, or Big Boy's Burrito. There are plenty more to come as well, and please wherever you are, do support your small local spots. This nightmare is especially nightmarish for most of them and every bit of business helps them stay afloat. 

Other stuff: my buddy and I will eventually begin our look at the Radiohead albums, but in the meanwhile I've started re-listening to the Pink Floyd catalogue and think I might write a piece ranking those records very soon. The history of that band is endlessly fascinating, tragic, and frustrating. If you're into that kind of stuff, here's a great look at the Rolling Stones' discography written by another excellent and thoughtful writer I hold in extremely high regard.

Pre-Prohibition -- Can you imagine living through this pandemic without booze? Don't lie, many of you can't (I am right here with ya). I found this very interesting article about anti-alcohol laws in late 19th century New York and how establishments wiggled around those rules. It's fascinating stuff, here's the link:

Now... unpleasant reality.

Hey Doug -- you greasy wacky waving inflatable inner tube, I wouldn't rely on you to manage a kid's lemonade stand. The children would be crying within ten minutes and you'd claim they were too hard on you. Your attempt at public sympathy by "tearing" up during a press conference is made so infinitely irrelevant by the concrete fact that you have done nothing to help anyone, beyond your circle of rich corporate donors of course. And still your government will not approve paid sick days for minimum wage workers, the ones forced to keep this economy churning along. You know what? You're a fucking evil prick, you stain of feces smeared against a bus stop. All those tears were just a show, weren't they Dougie? We're not as dumb as you think, you useless sack of petrified potatoes. Remember when you cut healthcare by a shit ton, Dougie? And now you cry like you don't have the infrastructure to make things better? You're a loser. You're a goddamn loser and history will hate your guts you worm. See you next week! Hopefully not though, just resign already you pathetic embarrassment to human decency.        

Tuesday Tune -- It certainly isn't the first Bob song I predicted I'd share on this weekly deal, but hey it's a good one and feels fairly relevant. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, the irreplaceable... Bob Dylan.  

 

Wow. This was quite an episode. Thank you all who read, commented and or support in every way you do. My final thought on McDonald's reminds me of Principal Skinner when he says "yes that's true! But I was only there to get directions on how to get away from there!" It's the most popular guilty pleasure in the world, and I can respect it at that level. I'm starting a mini-arc with this so stay tuned for next week if you're still here! I hope you are. But until then... be well, take care of each other, tell a belligerent anti-masker to grow a pair... and don't spill the mustard.