We're back talking about the Star Wars trio of trilogies! We've already gotten the very, very worst movie out of the way (a film so remarkably horrible it had to stand alone) and so now lets tackle what are (in my opinion) the three worst actual films within the three trilogies.
#9. Episode II - Attack of The Clones (2002)
For sure, I could swap Phantom Menace into this lowest non-Holiday Special slot and most folks would probably be fine with that. These two movies are equally terrible, but where Phantom Menace is a bewildering, nonsensical and ridiculously convoluted film to sit through... Attack of the Clones was a much more painful experience when I re-watched it.
The Yoda versus Count Dooku fight is the only somewhat redeeming audience pleasing moment, which naturally is in the last ten minutes of this two-plus hour feature. I suppose Obi-Wan investigating the clones has some suspense and mystery to it as well... but it falls completely apart because you can't really follow along how or why any of this is happening. Most of the bad Star Wars movies have the same problem of trying to jam too much stuff into the plot (just wait until we get to Episode IX) leaving no time for the story to actually explain these important elements. All you're left with are disjointed action scenes, flash over substance.
The two hours of this film feels like centuries longer to sit through than actual time suggests, the biggest reason for that? the love story. Oh dear gawd... that Cringe Hall of Fame love story.
The Anakin/Padme thing is one of the worst romances ever captured on film: it's so absurdly tepid, overblown by melodramatic musical cues (at least John Williams tried to breathe some life into this corpse...) and so impressively unconvincing emotionally that the viewer is likely to find the dated CGI more lifelike.
It's hard to blame the actors (Natalie Portman is clearly capable of far better work) but both her and Hayden Christensen are just unbelievably awful in this. Their chemistry is so awkward, their feelings so blandly expressed that a dollar store daytime soap opera is Oscar material by comparison. Seriously, you're just groaning and praying an action scene interrupts it. Just astonishing how unbelievably bad these scenes are. Imagine giving character lines to a computer program and asking it to emote without context... and of course George Lucas is so renowned for how compelling his dialogue always is... yeesh.
Speaking of the CGI... twenty years have not been kind to these visuals. The over-indulgence of blue/green screen plunders the story of any realism (as much realism as a Sci-Fi fantasy film about magic can begin with). You are constantly aware you're watching a movie, not beholding an exciting universe sweeping you away with wonder. The suspension of disbelief is suspended the moment these Jedi knuckleheads start jumping from hovercar to hovercar.
The biggest problem with the prequel films (among many problems) is how little you care about the characters. Most scenes with dialogue act as simple painfully dry exposition devoid of any life or care for character development. More accurately, they're tedious slogs to get the plot from action moment to action moment, while two actors walk in front of an obvious computer generated background.
With Clones specifically, there's so much junk happening that it's easy to forget how the key point of this plot doesn't even make sense: why was this clone army being developed secretly? And by who? Dooku? But the clones are on the Republic's side? How does this affect the overall situation? It's not like the opposing side (the Trade Federation?) is explained to be slowly moving in and conquering the Republic. Aren't they just separatists? What is the actual threat? Why does this break out in a huge war that results in Chancellor Palpatine being granted absolute power? And if this was his plan all along... why wouldn't he just use his clone army right away to take over, like he does in the next film? Ugh... what a showy waste of time.
A genuinely dreadful film, where the non romance scenes trick you by seeming of a greater quality than they actually are... which is true since they such a welcome reprieve from Anakin and Padme saying the same stupid thing over and over again. It's a forbidden love no one can know about... OKAY GOT IT! At least the Holiday Special has occasional parts so weird they actually amuse you, this here is like waiting in the dentist's office.
#8. Episode I -- The Phantom Menace (1999)
An incomprehensible mess amidst a franchise filled with incomprehensible messes. Unlike Episode II, which takes it's time diving into awfulness... Phantom Menace hits you over the skull instantly with how little sense it makes. Then Jar Jar Binks shows up... and you immediately wish for a quick painless death.
This is only slightly better than Attack of The Clones in my eyes, but the distinction is akin to comparing flattened turds on the sidewalk. What elevates this slightly for me are some enjoyable touches that only really bad high budget films possess, and also that there isn't an obnoxiously uninteresting love plot wedged into most of the middle of this. Jar Jar Binks is unbelievably insufferable (who let Lucas think this was a good idea, seriously) and the fact they keep dragging kid Anakin around from war zone to war zone is completely baffling from a common sense perspective... the bit of him at the end "accidentally" flying the space fighter and destroying a ship is so terrible and ridiculous I almost admire it for being so stupid. This is why I felt considerably less pain watching this compared to Clones. More severe confusion and boredom than actual agony.
First off, after re-watching all three of the prequels after well over a decade... I had never noticed before how much George Lucas fell in love with the slide-wipe. I'm no film-maker (at least not a very good one) but to explain if you don't know the lingo: a "wipe" is a transition effect from one scene to another (as opposed to just a hard cut, which is probably the most common transition in film or television). But, for whatever reason... Lucas chose to use this specific wipe where the old scene slides off to the right while the next scene takes its place. It's an adventure tale with magic and spaceships, sure, but the constant use of the effect just becomes comical when you see it several times in the span of a couple minutes. Phantom Menace jumps around from location to location so much (one of its biggest story problems) and has so many short scenes of barely relevant exposition (which is delivered so flatly your mind just kinda shuts off) and without fail that slide wipe will appear every damn time. It's almost cute if you're not taking anything in the movie seriously... and why would you? This story is nonsense.
Beyond the ridiculous, there really isn't a whole lot of fun to be had watching this. Jar Jar Binks is a character so aggressively grating and insulting to the audience I could be convinced Lucas was deliberately trolling Star Wars fandom. The climax of the film is beyond stupid: young Anakin single-handedly turning the tide of the battle by blowing up a shield generator, or a robot control unit thing? Who knows! Meanwhile three other things are also happening and the story cuts between them so haphazardly it's impossible to decipher the stakes, what exactly is happening or what any of this really means. Oh, the Queen is captured? But there's still a battle outside? Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon have to fight Darth Maul because... lightsabers?
Like Attack of The Clones, it's such a directing misstep or oversight how little you care about these undeveloped characters. Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson (who has next to nothing to do here)... these are all great actors but their lines are delivered with such little energy or personality you'd think these were their non-union robot replacements. Darth Maul, visually, is a darn cool villain... but he's only on screen for five minutes of the damn movie! Does he even have a line of dialogue? Who cares about this underdeveloped evil character we never see! What was his goal exactly? Random terrorizing? What is the point of him even existing?
The death of Qui Gon Jinn is a perfect litmus test of Menace's exceptional failure: does anyone remember anything he says in the entire film? Any iconic scene or character trait? Wait I've got one... he dies! I'm not even gonna start with the Midichlorian stuff... just impressive what a strikeout this film was and still is... and I don't even mind the pod-racing sequence either (though it's way way too damn long).
#7. Episode IX -- The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
It's MacGuffin: The Movie!
There's certainly a big step up in quality from the bottom two on this list to #7, but I'm not giving Episode IX any genuine praise by that compliment. Nor do I want to... I do not like this film one bit.
It's a show of intense spectacle lacking the barest minimum of substance. The fact I have one of the bloody prequels above it on my list shows how little I enjoyed Rise of Skywalker even when I saw it on the big screen, which is the only way such a flashy, pandering spectacle could possibly be enjoyed. This is a terrible story... super charged with empty visual calories.
In some ways, this is actually my least favourite Star Wars movie and one of the worst films I've ever seen in a theatre. Visually it looks great: it's full of action, interesting locations and has some genuinely good character moments (which alone makes it far better than Menace or Clones). As a story though it lacks any kind of logic, acceptable structure, or anything resembling sense. As some have commented, it's more like a season of a television show crammed desperately into a film... and suffers badly because of that desperate need to be so epic. There's too damn much happening... characters that appear for just a scene or two and do basically nothing... wiping C3PO's memory for no reason... they ride horses on top of a freaking spaceship? What the hell is going on here?
My biggest issue with the Sequel Trilogy, beyond the diminishing returns, was how poorly all of this seems to have been planned out. Last Jedi has some serious critical problems but at least Rian Johnson did a few interesting things with it. Interesting doesn't always mean good, though that film appeared to have a somewhat specific tone and direction in place, even if a lot of it falls apart.
Rise of Skywalker however is just a complete mess, but WHO CARES BECAUSE EXPLOSIONS AND OH GOD PALPATINE IS BACK AND THERE ARE A ZILLION STAR DESTROYERS WITH DEATH STAR WEAPONS AND REI IS TEMPTED BY THE DARK SIDE AND THERE'S LANDO AHHHHHHHHHH NERDGASM!!!
I hate this movie. There's a difference between giving the audience what they want (an exciting and satisfying conclusion) and just cynically pandering to the point where it is clear you just don't respect the watcher's intelligence. This film crumbles under any level of scrutiny. Like, how the hell did Palpatine create a secret fleet of the most powerful planet destroying ships to ever exist with almost nobody else around? Did he conjure them out of his hood? How did he survive the Death Star explosion in Return of the Jedi in the first place? Why can't this awful movie stay on one goddamn planet for more than three goddamn seconds? How many more pointless characters who do almost nothing are going to be introduced before this mess finally ends? No time to explain any of this here's Lando!
People who defend this movie will point to the character moments, and to be fair those are the only redeemable parts of this whole wretched affair. The Rei/Kylo stuff is genuinely good (probably the only arc these sequel films remotely have), Poe Dameron is still rougeish and Finn is still charming, despite the shoehorning into this Palpatine is always fun ("I'm so evil and I love it! Wuahahah"), Kylo Ren talking with force ghost father Han Solo is a solid scene (how is that possib... whatever who cares) and unlike the Prequels you do feel something about these new characters.
If anything the biggest weakness of these sequel films are how little these movies are about this next generation of heroes and villains, the old ones overshadowing them at every turn almost. They still have enough of a presence to have an impact on you... which makes it all the more a shame that this final story for them is so cheaply contrived. They really had a chance to make these films special in their own unique way but an actual A-to-B-to-C plan just wasn't there.
Case and point: the ending to Rei's storyline flat out sucks, full stop. Hell, the whole ending of the film sucks. Why is Rei a Skywalker now? Why is she choosing some kind of hermit life? Was there any previous indication or moment that implied this was what she wanted once the conflict was over? No... they just thought it would be touching and cool if she said "I'm Rei Skywalker" to end the film... because the film is called "Rise of Skywalker" (for some reason I still don't understand) and... I guess that's powerful and touching even though it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever?
It's easy to get washed up in the spectacle of a movie like this: so much is happening at once that your brain doesn't have time to process it because MORE STUFF IS ALREADY HAPPENING OMG! Such a story that skips anything related to structure or plot logic in favour of just soliciting a reaction ("feels" as it were) isn't a good story. Are any of these moments truly memorable or iconic? It's been five years after all. Compare it with the Nolan Batman films: still quotable, visually distinct (they've aged well) and unforgettable in their strong sense of style and substance. Rise of Skywalker? Uhhh... shrug? Ian McDiarmid is always great as Emperor Palpatine? This is what happens when you try for iconic moments without anything firm behind them... you get a brief hollow reaction that doesn't last or resonate.
Anyhow. Yeah this movie sucks. It isn't as unbelievable in its badness as those (two) Prequels, but man at least those were interesting to watch again. Revisiting Rise of Skywalker again would just give me a headache. Forgettable nonsense. A shame the 'Sequel Trilogy' sputtered out its considerable potential with this dismally soulless finale.
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Next time we'll get into the middle three of the list... a trio of films in the trilogy that, while very flawed, at least possess some re-watch curiousity and value (unlike the dreck you see here). Until next time....
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