The Worst Star Trek Next Generation Episodes - Part Two

 

 

We're back talking about Star Trek: Next Gen! Truly a classic show, one I grew up with and love dearly, thanks to their iconic characters, strong moral arguments, quotable dialogue and memorable storytelling.

But... they didn't always get the barrel square on the ball, particularly in that painful first season. So now we continue with the worst episodes from Season 2 onward... sorry.

  

The Child (s2 e1)

 

  

What a brilliant way to premiere a new season.... 

A lot of terrible Trek episodes are interesting concepts just badly bungled for whatever reason. The Child is not one of those. It takes a fairly generic "transporting dangerous bio-hazards" plot and mixes it with... well... any story-line that turns a main character into an unwilling incubator and doesn't explore or even acknowledge those particular implications... well "offensive" doesn't begin to cover it. I need help expressing my sentiments on this story. 

Not helping this extremely uncomfortable affair is the introduction of Doctor Pulaski, who replaced Dr. Crusher for Season 2. Diana Muldar had prior experience with Trek, appearing as a guest star twice the original series as two different characters (one awesome episode, the other pretty meh). Unfortunately, Pulaski does not make a good first impression on the audience, by her constant belittling of Data's technological nature and even mispronouncing his name at one point (then being condescendingly aghast when he corrects her. It's stupid and terrible). 

Of course the biggest stupid and terrible problem, is what they've done to Troi here. An alien entity invades her body while she sleeps, impregnates her and within like three minutes of episode time bam! Child. That's a violation, full shitload-of-fuck stop. Oh sure, the episode tries to soften that implication by giving her a pain free delivery, or hand waving away any lasting physical damage by saying there's no trace Troi ever had even given birth afterwards... but come on. The episode doesn't even hint in the direction of exploring the physical or mental effects, ethics and/or politics regarding rape and rape-related abortions. I definitely get those can be prickly and complex topics to explore on your science fiction show, particularly in 1988 or whenever this aired... but are you really saying things are so laissez faire in the 24th century that nobody even acknowledges this kind of thing? Seriously? Are Starfleet officers walking around like: "Some alien laser pointer knocked up Troi in her sleep? Why same thing happened to Ensign Johnson just a week ago, except it entered through a different hole! Ah must be a .6 Stardate." 

I don't even how how to define this... ignorance? Narrative blind spot? Misogynistic fantasy? Indifference? It's astounding whatever it is. Astoundingly horrible.

You just can't write a plot point like that and never make it relevant again later in the same damn episode. Either change it (oh please please) or that's your episode because as I argued earlier, there complex issues unignoreable with an unwanted pregnancy to one of your main characters. Issues that if explored fairly and competently, could really create some character developments, hard decisions, moral arguments and or maybe some lasting emotional farewell. You know, drama! TNG didn't always bat 1.000 on those types of things, but hey maybe don't just shrug the whole thing off?

Nah... instead the CGI effect knocks up Troi... she has the kid... the kid gives off some kind of plot radiation that threatens the ship... the kid willfully dies to save them all... Troi says she'll never forget him and who the goddamn hell cares because none of this is ever mentioned again. Never. What a waste of time. You know it's a total trash episode when the Wesley subplot has a more satisfying (and lesser-retch inducing) conclusion than your A-plot. This episode is offensive to everything it touches. What the fuck were they thinking indeed.

 

The Outrageous Okona (s2 e3)

 

  

This one surprised me by its awfulness. I hadn't seen this one in a while and always remembered it as a fairly "meh" outing, notable for Data's bad jokes with Joe Piscopo over anything else. 

Well my "meh-ness" was too kind. This one was a slog to endure and that blame is squarely upon the title character. The story really, really wants Okona to be a Han Solo knockoff: rougeish smuggler with a secret heart of gold, plus a real ladies man! He must be the latter, since he ends up in the quarters of multiple female crewmembers (hey, he definitely got further with Teri Hatcher than Seinfeld did...)

Any "charm" Okona supposedly has is completely swallowed and then regurgitated by the character being so damn bloody obnoxious, that constant smirk of his making you wishfully imagine the crew coming to their senses and shoving him out an airlock already. Instead, they all gush over the guy: commenting constantly in admiration about his "alpha dogness", the "pattern of his life" and how he "lives out on the edge" and yeah it's all gratingly unpleasant. He's not space James Bond, he's a total dope who breaks his own ship through negligence, only exuding cool because the script demands everyone say so. This episode has some of the worst dialogue in any Trek episode because nobody talks like a goddamn human being! Here's something the writer forgot: "show, don't tell". 

There's a plot point that almost approaches interesting, with two families wanting Okona because he stole a jewel from one and supposedly impregnanted the daughter of the other. Annoyingly it's predictable within three seconds once you meet the son of one family squirming on the view screen... gee wonder why... ugh. 

The best part of this story, as previously noted, is Data trying to understand humour and failing... presumably because the jokes in this episode meet the chemical criteria for depressants. The only "outrageous" thing about this is how somebody got paid to write something this lame.  

 

The Dauphin (s2 e10)

 

  

Look... it's a Star Trek romance plot... revolving around Wesley Crusher. As far as big hills to climb go that one gives Everest a run.

And yeah... as far as plots in general go this one couldn't even scale a wheelchair ramp. I despise this episode: it's painfully dull, the romance is tedious and the logistics/nature of the mission make zero sense. 

Now sure, there are amusing moments scattered throughout: Worf's description of Klingon courting is a classic quotable scene ("Men do not roar, women roar! And hurl heavy objects...") and the bit with Riker and Guinan trading corny pickup lines in front of a confused Wesley is pure gold... really a nice peek into the strong character interaction that would later define the show. 

So this episode does have some enjoyable bits, when it focuses on characters that aren't Wesley or the female love interest. Problem is, those two and their knockoff Twilight-quality romance dominate about 90 percent of this. I seriously had to keep pausing while re-watching for this review, it was that exasperating to have to suffer through this lame forbidden love-story retread. Teenage romance and first kisses can be mighty gooey sure, I'll confess that reality, but itt doesn't mean I want to watch one... especially one about Acting Ensign Dork. The blandness of the young guest actress doesn't add much to the role either, unfortunate considering she's supposedly becoming a teenage queen of a warring planet or something (this episode focuses as much on that as it does chocolate desserts).

Speaking of that, how does the Enterprise end up escorting these aliens anyhow? It's mentioned (at the end) the Federation have no formal contact with their society... so how the hell they'd end up with this mission in the first place? Is the Enterprise-D moonlighting with Space Uber or something to pay the Dilithium bills? Geez. I'm not even going to get into how the alien's audio communications are from a planetary source generating more power than the Enterprise itself.... their super duper spaceships must be in the shop (ain't that always the case).  

This could've been an okay story... maybe... if the dreadful romance was at least balanced (ideally canned) with some threat to the ship because of the mission (warring factions right?). Instead, the "danger" is from the young lady's shapeshifting protector and I agree her scowl could destroy planets. Then you've got an actual full scene of Wesley being mopey about his squeeze not revealing she's a shapeshifter and ugh please lets just get the fuck out of here. I'm man overboard nauseous enough already.

The Icarus Factor (s2 e14)

 

  

It's a Riker episode. Here's the thing: there are a lot of really good TNG episodes that have Riker as a primary player. Future Imperfect, A Matter of Honor and Frame of Mind jump out as good examples...  while he obviously plays a focal role in Best of Both Worlds. Others though, like The Outcast, Hide and Q (which of course I previously reviewed), The Vengeance Factor and this one stand out as bad examples where his relationships with guest characters just seem flat and uninteresting.

What sinks this episode isn't that it's just merely terrible, but how once again "who gives a flying shit about any of this?" Concept is meaningless when the presentation breaks an ankle landing. This attempt involves Riker being offered the captaincy of a ship (another series trope) and his father, a semi-retired Starfleet diplomat/ambassador (*insert-intergalactic-role-here)... comes aboard to brief him on this potential new assignment. 

You've got the tools in the box here: Riker's ambition for the big chair conflicting with his comfort of serving on the Enterprise, plus lots of unresolved tension with his father considering their frosty relationship. There are multiple tricky feelings here and that's a good thing! ...when you make it compelling. 

Nope. This story goes for broad over subtle and overdoes that to the point of excessive melodrama. The issues of Riker and his father are the same scene over and over again: Commander Riker resents his father's distance when he was young (essentially orphaning him) and Riker Sr. wants to build this bridge back to his son but doesn't know how, while not respecting those feelings of animosity. It's a good starting point, but I just described everything that ever develops between these two in the entire episode (*cough* entire series *cough*), aside from a climatic 1on1 duel in the holodeck. Dun dun DUN!

This could've worked but it really just doesn't. The episode leans so much on the father-son stuff instead of the Riker leaving the Enterprise to become a captain stuff, that at the end when he decides to stay (shocker!) it feels predictably cheap and little more than a throwaway line. Smash that reset button! Those father-son issues are only built up as some long overdue combative 'settling of the score' between the two... hyped up (cornily) as though their fight is potentially dangerous (should medical teams stand by??? OHHHNOOOOOBBbbb). Instead they're both in full body armor playing some 24th century Soul Caliber stickfighting or something, with giant Q-tips as weapons because Monty Python called and they want their silly back. 

Please. Even the damn title attempts a flimsy connection to another story as if to justify its relevance through the only father-son ancient myth the writer could come up with. There is nothing in here like the tale of Icarus at all (unless he and Daedalus grumbled boringly at each other a lot). Nah, they liked the name. Good job, I'd sure like to fly this episode too close to the sun.

 

Up the Long Ladder (s2 e18)

 

  

This one starts with legit intrigue: an ancient SOS signal, then Worf falls unconscious while on bridge duty! Spoilers, the intrigue fades fast. 

There are two major problems, the first (and biggest) of how unfocused this story is. It begins with that Worf medical crisis, brushes that aside before the next commercial break for the colony distress signal plot, which then lurches into comedy when they transport the colonists aboard, then into a romance with Riker and an Irish lass, then a scientific problem when they discover the other colony and they're dying out, then an ethical dilemma in regards to their civilization dependent on cloning, which the episode doesn't explore at all because the quick solution is to force the two colonies together and it's a comedy again! This is like one of those Radiohead songs where Thom Yorke would throw lyrical phrases into a hat and sing them at random, except bad.

The other major problem is the portrayal of the less-advanced colonists. Whether you find it amusing or insulting, narratively there's no denying they're a bunch of cartoonish Irish stereotypes. For crying out loud they try to distill alcohol in the goddamn cargo bay, while their leader is such a lush his red nose could guide Santa's sleigh. What is the point of any of this? 

Our Starfleet heroes meanwhile come across as self-righteous jerks once again. Rightfully offended sure when the colony of clones steal some of their DNA to clone them without consent, but then show little more than bemusement when the clone colony resists drastically altering their entire society by merging with the Irishy one and so re-introducing biological reproduction. There's this air of "oh once they realize the pleasures of it they'll understand" vibe from the Enterprise crew, but that's mighty damn presumptuous. If I was forced into a situation where it was upon me alone to repopulate the human race with the most unappealing woman on Earth... well sorry but we had a good run. It's poor logic (and lazy writing): you can't force mating upon these clearly strident asexual creatures. 

This whole story is a mess, bringing up multiple plot points that need further exploration but are then quickly forgotten for the next. It bounces about without substance, occupying (wasting) your time while leaving you emptier from where you started. When the Irish stereotypes aren't making you slam your whiskey glass in frustration, of course.

                 

Shades of Gray (s2 e22)

 

  

Picking on Shades of Gray seems almost unfair, almost. Like hitting a bullseye from an inch away. It's a clip show and nobody involved gave a shit about it during production, so it was always going to suck. It's the lowest rated episode on IMDb of any Trek series I believe, and really how can anyone defend it? Something with grand ambitions that fails as horribly like Star Trek V? Hey, at least they tried. Shades of Gray is the conceptual opposite of that, hell the conceptual opposite of creative effort itself. Even for a clip show it's horrendously lazy. You could fit the synopsis on a post-it note and still have enough room left to warn your roommate not to eat your hummus again, bastard.

I personally don't think it's the worst TNG episode, only because it contains clips of far superior creative efforts and isn't as racist or awful as Code of Honor, or as fucking tedious as Justice. At the same time this should barely be considered an episode at all. It's completely pointless filler that wastes time just to get to the clips. Seriously! They pad out the story to get to the clips. Yikes.

They attempt medical drama with Riker dying and blah blah blah it doesn't work because Frakes seems as checked out of this whole thing as the writers were. Marina Sirtis as Troi overacts and Muldar's Pulaski is the least compassionate Trek character this side of a Borg cube. 

This was the final episode of Season 2 and really the end of that early era of TNG, good riddance. The show began having a drastically looking feel from the beginning of Season 3 onwards, with new uniforms, more consistent emphasis on characters over reactionary plot-of-the-week stuff, Dr. Crusher returning (thank gawd) and really kicking off the golden era of the show. In my opinion, TNG from seasons 3-6 is easily the best Star Trek of the past 30 years (come at me, DS9 fans!*). Not to say there weren't some hiccups during that stretch though, which I'll get into next time.

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Okay! It's next time!

 

*I kid, I've come around on DS9 over the years. It's a damn fine show in its own right  

 

The Loss (s4 e10)

 

  

Skipping into Season 4! The show at this point was excellent, but this is a wart. I will say, the A-plot is sorta interesting (though ridiculous): the Enterprise getting caught in a stream of two dimensional creatures. Unfortunately, this episode is completely ruined by Deanna Troi behaving so petulant.

It's not that the episode focuses too much on how she loses her telepathic powers (though it does), it's that she's written to be completely unbearable once this happens. Troi having to learn and utilize her other skills now that her greatest advantage has been taken away? That would've been interesting, a good chance for personal growth ("maybe I've been too dependent on these abilities I've been lucky to have in the first place.")

The story thinks it's doing this, but instead of Troi discovering a new aspect of herself she just throws a tantrum for a third of the episode, when she isn't horribly condescending to everyone trying to comfort her. It's so way, way overdone that when she eventually gets her powers back, you're not glad she's finally herself again... you're pissed off because she learned absolutely nothing from this and congrats you've just watched a total waste of time! It's a pat, uninspired ending that frantically wraps everything back into a bow complete with cliche "sorry I was a real jerk to everybody." "oh it's fine!" final scene. All that's missing is the canned "awwww" recording from a studio audience.

It's not as bad as others on this list, but even without Troi's unpleasant behavior (and Sirtis' less than stellar acting here... I hate picking on her but she really overdoes it in these bad ones) this episode is simply dull. The real loss? That this episode wasn't destroyed by a clumsy intern. 

 

The Host (s4 e23)

 

  

Next Generation drastically improved after Season 2, as I've mentioned. Instead of portraying hollow imitations of the 60s show with a "more evolved than thou" ethos, it began to feel like a ship of real people, with real relationships. Where the worst episodes of the early seasons are awful as a "I can't believe how brainless and ridiculous this is"; the worst episodes in later seasons are awful in a "drowning in biege melodrama" kind of way. Which describes this outing!

Dr. Crusher has fallen into a steamy romance with some Starfleet ambassador (all this happens before the episode begins, fyi) whom the Enterprise is escorting to a crucial peace negotiation. Trust me those peace negotiations are easily the most engaging part of this episode. I'm not totally opposed to romance stories in Star Trek, City on the Edge of Forever is a wonderful example of how to do it to near perfection... it's just that most of them are stories that don't really know what the hell they're doing. There's rarely a satisfying setup and or conclusion to them, which a good romance story depends upon.

Anyway Dr. Crusher's new love, Ambassador Somebody (Odan?) is mortally wounded in a shuttle attack and it turns out the real him is a parasite organism that needs humanoid hosts to survive. (it's consentual symbiosis not evil, to clarify). Riker volunteers and so ends up temporarily carrying (and so becoming) this parasite-person until his species can send a permanent host.

The problem is that this romance plot... well I'll give it credit for doing something only science fiction can do. Here's this new person in your life you have wild, passionate feelings for... suddenly transplanted into the body of someone else, who happens to be your colleague and friend at that. It is an interesting concept! But it fails because so much of the drama falls onto the shoulders of the bodyswapping romance itself and that's not strongly enough conveyed for the viewer to feel it. 

Instead, it gets so hamhanded at points that my buddy who was watching with me and isn't a Trek fan at all, laughed out loud multiple times at these "tense" emotional scenes. The weird Ten Forward scene where Crusher and Riker-Odan stare at each other with dramatic music... and then commercial! Gawd. Also, isn't it kind of creepy that this ambassador guy, now in Riker's body, is still pursuing Dr. Crusher romantically? Maybe keep it in your pants for a day or two? I suppose he is an alien and so would likely have different customs (explore those instead!) regarding this sort of thing, but it's not like Riker has a say in this either since this isn't portrayed as Riker-Odan merging into a hybrid personality or anything. Riker's voice never once emerges during this to even say "hello!" "I'm fine!" "This is weird but lets continue with the negotiations!" No, Odan is in complete control, while Riker is buried inside perhaps screaming "FFS stop using my body to hit on my friend you weird fucking asshole!"

There's also the ending scene, where the ambassador's new permanent host is revealed to be female. She still wants to continue the romance but Dr. Crusher is feeling none of that, which is an unfortunate missed opportunity. Not because it's a supposedly progressive future and Crusher should just be automatically open to that (there's a whole different kind of stupid)... it's just that... well now we're back into issues worthy of exploration and one weakass short scene at the end of this (very) padded episode just isn't enough time to explore them. 

You've got a lot of firewood here: same sex relationships and gender identity just off the top of my head, and remember this aired in the early 90s when these topics were not nearly as known or respected in public consciousness as now (and it ain't great now). This could've been a social landmark for the show, taking a strong stand for the rights of all people regardless of gender, sexuality and how we as people identify ourselves as such... but they capital chickened out. Sure, different era and sure, Dr. Crusher says that maybe her attitude towards such a thing could change, keeping this from being a total strikeout... but she acts so detached and cold that none of those wild passionate feelings seem to have ever existed. Like they happened in some paralell universe. For fucks sake more than half the episode is about how conflicted she is about Odan now being in Riker's body (her close friend!), and still they eventually embrace! And now she's so totally turned off she barely wants to acknowledge this person in a female body? Hell that damn last scene takes place in her office while she sits behind her desk, not even her personal quarters or Ten Forward or something. How open minded! What a romance for the fucking ages. 

The whole thing is bloody weak, especially the farewell kiss on the wrist (would a cheek have really been so taboo? Ugh). Not an episode that has aged well socially, but also it's so fucking boring that watching branches grow would be a steamier romance (maybe in three decades they'll entwine!). The more I think about this one the more I despise it.   

 

Running a bit long here (feel like at this point I'm writing a thesis on bad Star Trek, what a special circle of hell) so I'm gonna stop for now. But stay tuned for the exciting* conclusion! 

 

 

*I lied, it's not exciting.