Something like this was inevitable. Last year I started these east end reviews during the early days of the pandemic as a way of shouting out some local restaurants, maybe giving them some publicity in my own minor way. Thus far it has been a win-win, with me getting to enjoy some restaurants I might not have tried otherwise while the engagement on these articles has been very positive.
I also can't lie to you, dear reader, since as much as I want to promote these small businesses there still needs to be a fair, objective perspective when sampling these places. Otherwise I might as well just be writing a wordy advertisement in the Beaches Metro paper.
So indeed believe me when I say that this food from Beaches N'Cream, pictured above, was bloody awful.
Seriously, this is the worst thing I've ever reviewed. Worse than Scaddabush pizza, worse than Subway, worse than KFC... a Whopper is heaven compared to this. This BnC burger is just pathetic. And expensive! 9.50 for a cheeseburger ain't exactly a bargain, and the dude forgot to put cheese on it anyway!
I mean, it's not like I was expecting much... it's a food box right by the boardwalk off the beach... but you also never know. Sometimes a random place that doesn't look like much might have a skilled cook who makes patties from scratch and knows/cares about what they're doing. But this... this makes the greasy food trucks outside of Toronto City Hall look like gourmet offerings. This burger and fries is the beach equivalent of stumbling downtown wasted drunk at 1am and anything you eat is gonna taste like tequila shots anyway so why not.
The taste is... what taste? All I taste is char and a lot of it, like a backyard BBQ at a cheap friend's place who didn't clean their grill and doesn't really know what they're doing. It's not juicy, not seasoned, an obviously frozen patty that split in half after my third bite. The lettuce isn't crisp, isn't fresh, the bun flavourless and stale... the freaking pickles were the best thing about this grotesque excuse for a burger. Maybe if it cost five bucks... well it would still be awful but at least somewhat excusable. 9... freaking... 50. Did I mention it also took twenty minutes to make? And there was nobody else around? And the guy still forgot the cheese? How? This is beyond "so bad it's funny".
As for the fries, they're passable but still not very good. They remind me of Pizza Pizza fries: slightly enjoyable via crispness alone but tasting like absolutely nothing, well except frozen. I couldn't even finish them. Six bucks. That's now sixteen dollars I could've spent on basically anything else, though burying it in the sand would've been a better use of it. Perhaps a dog would've found it and bought some fancy dog food! I would be jealous of that dog.
You know when you eat a very delicious meal, that pleasant sensation afterwards you often feel? This is the opposite of that: I was in a good mood beforehand and after this I felt queasy and started questioning my purpose in life. There was a nearby seagull pulling worms from a dirty puddle and I wondered how much worse that tasted compared to what I'd just eaten. It's probably closer than you think. Do..... NOT.... go to this place. It is horrific, suspiciously expensive trash. Ugh... I need something to scrub that memory from my brain.
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