The Tuesday Taste: KFC's Double Down

I have got to find the river

Bergamot and vetiver

Run through my head and fall away

Leave the road and memorize

This life that pass before my eyes

And nothing is going my way

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! We're back after a week off and apologizes for that (just needed some time to recharge, there has been a lot to deal with here at TT HQ). As such, I'm reviewing an item you could call widely requested of me upon its re-release here in Canada....

Yeah. This thing. This beast.

I reviewed KFC's regular chicken sandwich in one of the very first Tuesday Tastes and was less than impressed. As a child I recall KFC being a delicious treat, something exciting on the rare occasion it was announced "it's KFC for dinner tonight". As I've grown older, either by maturing sense of taste or declining quality of the product... KFC seems to have become quite bland. While I don't love Popeye's (it's got that unsettling greasiness) you at least get some reliable texture and flavour, like you're eating genuine chicken.    

With that in mind, believe me when I say I had no interest in ever reviewing or even eating KFC again after that chicken sandwich back in March. I don't like McDonald's much either but at least you get that distinctive "McDonald's taste" when you order something from there. KFC has as much distinctive flavour as a paper bag left out in the rain.... which on second thought I suppose is rather distinctive so nevermind! I thwarted my own argument through metaphor. I do that sometimes. 

The Double Down sandwich is a monstrosity I'm certain only exists to sell itself upon its own very monstrous nature. I mean seriously, it's a ridiculous idea. Can you imagine the boardroom meeting pitch for this thing? "Hey! Nobody likes bread, right? I mean, it's not like the oldest food in civilization or anything. I've got something that'll change the way people think about sandwiches. We replace the bread... with fried chicken! Ah? Ah?" 

That dude (or dudette) either got fired on the spot or received a gigantic raise. Maybe both? Regardless, this notorious Double Down sandwich first came to Canada around 2010 with much hooplah. Being a young fella in my early 20s and very tuned into "the social media" at the time, it very much seemed like a big occasion at the time. They were selling out everywhere, likely just because of the sheer curiousity induced by the thing. I recall scoffing at the hype, as pretentious 22 year old me often would (34 year old me is far too jaded to scoff, ha) and never got around to trying it during that initial run. The temptation was admittedly strong, I just simply never had a reason or opportunity to.

Well... writing a weekly review of fast food (or whatever you wanna call the TT) sure seems like a reason. If you want to know a little more about the history of the Double Down, check out this short video that, while not particularly enlightening or revealing, gives a decent synopsis of its history. Anyhow, enough of my hooplah... lets get into this... this thing.

My first thoughts are... it's quite a bit smaller than I expected. Probably for the best. As large a man as I am, I don't have particularly large hands (insert joke here) and I can still palm this thing. I blame my skinny forearms. Ha! Seriously though lets get into what you've all clicked onto this article for... 

...the fries! Yeah they're awful. Like, so, so bad. I figured this could be the last time I ever order KFC in my life, might as well review the fries too for completions sake! That sake was a mistake (see what I did there). They taste like they've been sitting out overnight and then microwaved. The texture is tough, rubbery, a stale flavour permeates each bite... there's no crispiness or delightfully subtle exploding potato anywhere. Seriously, some of the absolute worst french fries I've ever had, especially of the thinner cut variety. I'd rather chew on my bike tires after a rainstorm. 

 

 

Okay, enough fooling around. The Double Down itself. You know what? Yeah... it's not good either. Not as bad as their fries, which are so putrid I genuinely don't want potatoes indefinitely after eating them... but the Double Down simply is not an enjoyable eating experience and it goes back to what I said earlier: KFC is so damn bland. 

There isn't anything here to hold it together. We're talking about an absurd idea so crazy it could work, and a place like PG Clucks or Heartbreak Chef here in Toronto could pull it off because their fried chicken is of such a high quality. KFC chicken though... is tough, dry, chewy and has little flavour beyond whatever peppery seasoning they use (11 herbs and spices my ass). The interior of the sandwich is fine, sorta, when there's actual soft give to this beast... but it still tastes like you're just eating two fried and breaded chicken breasts at once which is an odd feeling, to put it objectively. The outside of the sandwich is so, so stale... mine had grill marks (not char, merely imprints) suggesting this was reheated under something like a panini press very quickly without care. 

Conceptually is where this really falls apart for me. The fun of the novelty fades when you realize your fingers are constantly covered in oil and so you have to wipe them after each bite (perhaps eating this "thing" in a wrapper is the ideal way but I had to discard that for the photos). The bigger issue though is what's between these "buns": the cheese and bacon. It just doesn't work. Again, a superior fried chicken place (I really wanna try Chica's fyi, hit me up if you wanna go) could really do something with this absurdity by having excellent cheese and, frankly, peameal bacon would be the way to pull it off. Peameal is leaner, gives the whole thing some textural stability and you still get that bacon decadence you're trying for. 

Nah... instead you get some processed havarti or monterey jack (I appreciate it at least not being generic American cheese slices) that barely melts, alongside undercooked strip bacon. The bacon is barely noticeable, which isn't surprising considering you're eating two f*ing fried chicken breasts at once, while the cheese peels off pathetically, which at least helped compliment chowing down on those rubbery french fries. There's also a sauce slathered into it, sort of a mix between a ranch and a chipotle mayo, and frankly I sampled it many times to try getting a sense but it left little impression.

Overall... I'm gonna surprise you here and say hey! If you haven't tried it, and you are in decent enough health, do it just once. Only. Once. I know, I know... I don't want to feed the hype machine that still churns even a decade later, but it is an interesting experience. Impressively bad and weird is how I would describe it... like a terrible cheap movie so poorly made you can't help but continue along with it. 

Or don't try it. That's likely the better, saner choice. By the way, for something supposedly so heavy and so loaded with fat that health officials were publicly trying to persuade folks not to eat this... it's not even that filling! I was still hungry and I had fries too don't forget. Double Down? Double fail! Ugh... more like that joke failed...

 

Burnt Ends -- I have some ideas on the horizon, beyond some little novel thing I've been thinking about a lot lately and jumping back into. Wrote a couple chapters back in dark January, I just have to slip back into the world of it. Also, if you like Star Trek, check out my review of the (not good) episode of the original 60s series "The Savage Curtain" where Captain Kirk meets Abraham Lincoln! 

Beyond that, I reviewed Friends Burgers out here in the Beaches last week, and I have an idea for an article or two that hopefully will come to fruition in the next few days. Rumours of my demise (as few as they were, surely) were definitely premature. 

 

Norm -- Again, I just spent multiple hours writing about and reviewing a sandwich that this man can summarize in fifteen seconds. RIP to a good one. His jokes seem to get even funnier the more you watch them.

 

Tuesday Tune -- I've been playing more bass guitar lately with a truly dear friend of mine and he has helped me learn this song, by a band I know mostly through their hit singles and random deep cuts. It's simply a wonderful tune and I look forward to playing it again very soon.

 

 That's it for me. As always, be well, be kind, be sharp and don't spill that mustard.

         

This Week In Star Trek: TOS -- The Savage Curtain

 

It's time for another quick Star Trek review, this time checking out the original 1960s show! And yes, that is who you think it is on the Enterprise viewscreen. Yep.

"The Savage Curtain" is a very late Season 3 TOS episode, actually the third last episode of the entire series. Season 3 has a reputation of being notoriously terrible: creator Gene Roddenberry wasn't much involved anymore, the new producers didn't quite understand the concept and NBC was licking their lips to finally cancel the show (after fans had mailed in to save it after Season 2). While the final season of TOS has some truly baffling and dreadful stories (like the one with space hippies, or the one with evil children and the villain in a mumu, or the one where aliens steal Spock's brain... and there's plenty more awfulness), Season 3 does have some rather strong episodes mixed within those. 

Photon torpedo spoilers away! This is not one of the strong ones. It begins with the Enterprise getting strange readings from a planet covered with molten rock. Uncertain what to do about it, they decide to leave until a strange figure appears on the viewscreen: yep, it's Honest Abe. 

This episode is without a doubt best known as "that one where the Enterprise meets Lincoln", an idea so ludicrous to be so memorable. Naturally (and thankfully) the crew is reluctant to accept this is actually Abraham Lincoln, this being hundreds of light-years from Earth and, ya know, the 23rd century. This is actually the strongest (and only good) part of the story: Kirk giving Lincoln a presidential tour of the ship and gushing (as much as a cool cat like Kirk can) over a personal hero made flesh, while Scotty and McCoy are demonstrably skeptical. When Lincoln requests Kirk and Spock transport down with him to the planet covered in lava, you get one of those good little scenes of character conflict TOS could be so good at: McCoy and Scotty are incredulous Kirk actually wants to transport down into instant firey death, Kirk arguing how their mission out here is to discover new lifeforms despite the inherent risk, while Spock points out the illogic that some malevolent creature would simply want to kill just the two of them in such a way. 

Of course Kirk and Spock beam down with ol' Abe, and here's where the episode goes completely out of it's mind. They're in a breathable rocky terrain and meet a fourth person to join their party: Surak, a legendary figure of Vulcan history. It is then that the true source of this wackiness shows itself.

Look, I get that we're talking about 60s Sci-Fi here, and looking back half a century later some of the alien costumes you see on Lost In Space, Doctor Who and Star Trek are going to look pretty silly. This one though is ridiculous even by that standard. This alien is a molten rock creature and yet has two tiny little feet (even though it never walks), claw pincers for hands and a mushroom shaped "head" with little bulbs that light up when it talks. Like come on... this is too cartoonish to be a Super Mario enemy. 

Anyways, Rockman declares it is trying to discover the difference between good and evil, and so Kirk, Spock, Lincoln and Surak must battle the four most evil figures in history! Ooooooo! Those end up being the genocidal General Green from 21st century Earth (lets keep our eyes on that guy, everyone), a wicked unethical doctor named Zora, the Klingon Kahless (seeing as they describe him here brutalizing his own people like a Mao Zedong, this seems very unlike the revered Kahless described in later Trek series) and finally, wait for it.... Genghis Khan! I'd say you can't make this stuff up but clearly somebody did.

Yep, once again it's another TOS alien forcing a Fight To The Death!(tm) with the Enterprise also in mortal danger depending on the result. Sigh. This is partly what makes Next Generation's "The Last Outpost" so awful in that they copied this trope that already tired itself out twenty years earlier. Anyhow, Surak is very much a pacifist and instead goes to the evil camp in hopes of negotiating some truce, though at least aware such a prospect is slim. There is much debating of "when and if there is ever a good time to fight", which can be good drama when it isn't some actor in a bad Lincoln costume spouting vague wisdom while William Shatner chews the cheap scenery. Lincoln is killed in an ambush trying to rescue Surak, forcing Kirk and Spock to fight the four evils themselves (and win! Hooooo....ray....). Kirk angrily speeches at the rock alien how pointless and dangerous this spectacle was, then in the coda of the episode he seems to reflect curiously, even admiration at it's methods? Whatever.

The biggest problem with "The Savage Curtain" is how contrived it is. Like, this belongs in the Hall of Fame of Contrived Ideas. There's no way a story where Kirk, Spock and Abe Lincoln battle evil figures of history was ever not going to be silly, yet sadly it never embraces that silliness. It didn't have to be a comedy exactly, maybe something a bit looser like "Shore Leave" where the mystery of these strange figures appearing is as much the focus than any threat to our heroes. The mystery of why Lincoln is here, after all, is the only part of this episode that works. Instead they play this straight, which results in a bizarre story with an overdone premise, further hampered by weighty ideas of good versus evil fired blindly without any sense of direction. It's not even enjoyably corny, you wind up shaking your head more at how stupid this all is. For me this is barely a Warp 3, the first ten minutes or so the only salvageable part of a completely derivative brainless tale. 

              

 

East End Eats XXIX: Friends Burgers

 

 

We're back with another review of some east end grub! This time, I checked out a somewhat new addition to the Queen East stretch here in the Beaches... Friends Burgers.

Friends has taken over the spot where the old Beachside Grill once was, a place I never reviewed or even tried for various reasons (multiple people told me how bad it was, and their 2.6/5 average Google score seems to reflect that perception).  

The Beaches is a neighbourhood that does lack a quantity of particular foods (non-chain pizza places for one) but burger joints are not one of them. Friends joins GG's as another new burger option just opening up this year, while Beaches N' Cream (blech) still operates down by the boardwalk. Meanwhile No Bull Burgers and Fearless Meat also continue in business for those willing to climb the cliff up to Kingston Road, or Bulging Burger if you're closer to the streetcar loop... and there's an A&W opening up soon across from Kew Park? Yeah, no shortage of burger options around here.

So how does Friends measure up within this abundant market? Lets start with the poutine. The gravy is nice and rich, not overly peppery and also thankfully not oppressively thick (I find gravy gets congealed and grossly sticky among cheaper poutines). The curds, while not abundant, provide that buttery taste you want from a good cheese curd, plus they melted quite nicely here. 

Indeed, the weak link are the fries. They're actually perfectly fine, skins on (which I always like) and lacking that stinging kind of frozen flavour... aside from that though they're fairly unremarkable. Food truck fries would be a good description, with that thick flaky potato taste... perhaps I just prefer a thinner or crispier fry.

How about the cheeseburger? As I usually go, my toppings were simple (just mayo, mustard, lettuce and pickle). The burger patty itself, while plenty moist, was a bit on the tougher side with that type of chewiness you get from a medium-well to well done steak. Not my preferred colour/texture for steak or burgers, but at least you could still taste the beef quite noticeably. You get a bit of that greasy grill taste also, just enough to be enjoyable without spilling into being gross. 

The bun though... truly excellent. Soft, firm on the outside, somewhat sweet... everything you'd want from a potato bun. As for the other supporting elements, the American cheese covers the beef like a melted blanket... the pickles are considerable slices and don't taste drenched in jar brine... meanwhile the size of the burger itself is that precise size between meal and snack. If not for the poutine I'd probably still be hungry afterwards, but I am also larger than the av-a-erage bear (don't leave your pic-a-nic baskets unattended around me).

Final verdict! A solid addition to the Beaches burger scene. I like No Bull and GG's quite a bit better, but I'd pick Friends over Bulging Burger (both have that "homemade in a kitchen" taste, which has an appeal) and it's definitely light years better than Beaches N'Cream, which I have to reiterate once again was truly one of the most dreadful hamburgers ever to attack my mouth. Friends, while not amazing, does a few things quite well and I'm sure I'll eventually go for a second visit.  

The Tuesday Taste: Church's Chicken

 

 

Friends are so alarming

and my lover's never charming

Life's just a cocktail party 

on the street... Big Apple

People dressed in plastic bags

directing traffic

Some kind of fashion

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! Hope you all enjoyed a weekend of delicious and excessive food with your friends and loved ones (me, I worked a Raptors preseason game and ate mozzarella sticks. I regret nothing). This will be a short review, since I figure many of you are likely suffering holiday dinner hangovers and possibly not in a frame of mind to read about even more food. Works for me, because this week I just don't have a lot to say!

After that preseason game mentioned above, I went to the Church's Chicken location down by Queens Quay and York Street (a relatively new one). In fact, it seems all of Church's locations in Toronto are relatively new, as according to their website the first one here in T.O. opened in 2017. For some reason I recall there being one up at Dufferin and St. Clair West well before that, though it's entirely possible I'm confusing it with the many other available alliterative chicken products (Chester's Chicken, Chubby Chicken, Chica's Chicken, Choke a Chicken etc etc).

I'd tried Church's once before, though that had been a sandwich and not meat off the bone. My first regret upon entering on this occasion though... was letting these couple of dudes in before me. I'm not sure if they were stoned or just clueless idiots (perhaps both?) but they took about four minutes of hmmming and blank silence to order, and then about the same length of time to figure out how the soda dispenser worked. Seriously... my order was in already in my hands and these knuckleheads were still pushing buttons on the machine in complete dazed confusion. You could call them... dazed and confused?

As for the chicken itself... not spectacular but I rather like how it doesn't insist upon itself. Popeye's, while usually fine, always imposes this gross greasy flavour upon your mouth. KFC just doesn't taste like real food, which is a whole different kind of insistence. Church's doesn't try to dazzle with secret spices, instead bringing the focus upon its flaky crunchiness which in of itself is enjoyable. 

Since I got four pieces, I elected for half regular and half spicy. I guess my heat tolerance is strong with the force yet again, since I didn't find this "spicy" at all. There's some lingering earthy heat that provides some welcome extra flavour, a slight sting for the back of the mouth. As for the meat... well it's chicken: a bit fatty (fried and battered will do that) but also soft, tender, not dry even in the lighter meat and thankfully does indeed taste like the real thing.

Lets talk sides. First, the crinkle cut fries. Frankly... a bit of a let down. They look awesome... such a classic look for a classic American dish. While not terrible (certainly a slight step above your generic frozen fast food offering) they really could use something more. Whether it be a seasoning, or more crispiness, a killer dipping sauce (Church's only available sauces seem designed for their tenders) or just anything to add experience points so to level up. As is, these are rather like those frozen crinkle fries you buy in a grocery store and bake in the oven (although at least here half of them aren't burnt or still frozen). 

The true highlight has to be that biscuit. Absolutely stellar. Though semi-sticky to the touch, there's a real nice balance of honey sweet and buttery that makes this a delightful side. It's also moist all the way through, even once cool (a serious problem with other fast food biscuits I've encountered). This really tastes like something you might find in a better bakery somewhere.

Overall... Church's is plenty solid. Won't blow your mind, won't let you down either... it's pretty filling also (these pieces were quite large, I didn't finish all this in one go) so the bang for your buck is there. Getting a biscuit or two though is a definite necessary accompaniment. 

 

Burnt Ends -- Didn't write anything last week! Probably will have an extra something soon though... mostly been getting back into playing bass guitar lately. 

 

Mono! D'oh -- Does whiskey count as beer?

 

Tuesday Tune -- You've probably heard of these guys. I've always dug this song for being simultaneously groovy and depraved... so yeah, these guys.        

 

 

That's it for this week! Told you I didn't have much to say. Until next week, be kind, be well, be healthy, be vigilant in not spilling that mustard.

  

 

 

The Tuesday Taste: Quizno's

 

We shared some ideas

All obsessed with fame

says we're all the same

Oh, I don't see it that way

I don't see it that way

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste. This week, if you're still feeling those Blue Jay blues, here's what you do: put down the news, take off your shoes and settle in, for this review.  

If you're somehow still with me, first off thank you. Second, you might see what the review is this week and immediately ask yourself: "Where the heck is there still a Quizno's in Toronto???"

The answer is... only one! They've strangely vanished in the night fog, where once upon a time there used to be several in downtown Toronto alone... now there's just that single outpost at Dufferin and King. The next closest Quizno's to the downtown T.O. core is at 5170 Dixie Road in Mississauga... you know, a completely different city (for anyone reading this not familiar with southern Ontario). 

I used to sneak off during my Drake Hotel shifts to this very same Quizno's (sorry, Drake friends) and re-entering it for this review, for the first time in likely 13 years, the entire layout had not changed one bit. The paint/design on the walls was different I'm sure, but the tables were all aligned the same way, the spots where you order and then pay exactly as they were. I wouldn't call it going back in time or anything, only that the process of it felt comfortably familiar. 

The sandwich itself though... I got the Monday special, a "Honey Bacon Club" which sounded agreeable enough. Something about Quizno's I'd completely forgotten (it'd been maybe 8 years since I've last been to one) is the conveyor belt toaster oven thing. Most sub places I've been to recently, which really isn't very many, employ a large panini press-like device to toast (and often over-flatten) certain sandwiches. The conveyor instead allows the main composition of the sandwich to be lightly baked by heat, enough to make bread crispy on the outside and for cheese to melt over, but still keeping the thing internally soft. 

Selecting the Parmesan Herb bread was not a regrettable choice. While this cheese baked in was far too cheddary to actually be Parmesan, it gave this sandwich a nice crunchy cheesiness and some sharpness to compliment the sweet sauce and the fattiness of the ham. That ham itself: surprisingly tender, sweetly flavourful and somewhat plentiful! You could taste it in each bite, and certain portions of the sandwich had a nice thick collection of slices. What also impressed was how unsalty it was, as heavy salt is definitely something commonly found among cheaper sandwich meats. 

So far, really darn good! Before I sound like a Quizno's revivalist or something, there are some weaker elements here. The bacon on here... rather bizarre. A bit like pre-fried bits of bacon ripped apart into smaller bits and degreased, something I imagine working wonders on nachos or especially a baked potato but a sandwich? It just crumbles out and really isn't able to add much to the overall product. As for the "herb" element of the bread, there's definitely some rosemary in there and that's a flavour that likes to cut in line at the movies. The cheese aspect definitely comes off more successfully in that duo, as this far more resembles a cheese bun you could buy at a bakery rather than a herby bread loaf.

Lets allow the sauce on here to decide, this final ingredient to make either a winner or a "not winner". Well it certainly falls into that first category, because this sauce (also the only sauce on the sandwich at all) really nails it. This fills in all the gaps: a maple syrup mixed with honey taste that doesn't insist upon itself, a thin texture that doesn't overly linger on the tongue, seeping into the bread without making it ever soggy... just like something you'd want to add into the best fried beans ever. I was genuinely worried this would be like an assertive BBQ sauce (sweet or smokey it doesn't matter) and swallow everything else between the buns. Instead... perfect compliment. 

Overall... seriously though why are there so few of these left and goddamn Subways still multiplying everywhere? Quizno's reminds me of a sandwich you can make at home when you're treating yourself to fancier bread and non generic toppings. I really liked this... even cold a few hours later it still balanced the line between stale and overly moist. One final complaint I suppose would be that I wasn't given the option to add cucumbers to it, which Mr. Sub and Subway would have. Otherwise... I'm damn impressed, especially considering how minimalist (just bread, ham, lettuce, bacon bits and one sauce) this actually was.        

Burnt Ends -- Wrote a lot of various "items of interest" in the past week! For Star Trek eyes, I wrote a little review of a terrific Next Generation episode called "The Most Toys". For food eyes, I checked out the chicken wings at Leslieville haunt The Queens Head. Finally for baseball eyes, I wrote an obituary covering the emotional and frustrating ride of the 2021 Blue Jays (this one is by far the gloomiest writing of the three, you've been warned). 

Probably won't be quite as pro-active this week as last, but stay tuned perhaps for another Trek mini-review.

Double Trouble -- So... it does seem here in Canada that KFC's Double Down sandwich is actually back. May whatever deity you worship and trust save you from this culinary carnage.

If you have been spared the knowledge of what the "Double Down" is, it is a chicken sandwich where the chicken has been replaced by bacon and cheese, while the buns have been replaced by fried chicken. It's two slabs of fried chicken with only processed cheese and goddamn bacon in the middle because apparently this wasn't greasy enough. The late great Norm Macdonald sums it up as only he could.

And oh yeah... I'll definitely review it. Not kidding. 

 

An Ocean of Noise -- Shoutout to my friend Neil for sharing this video: a really cool animation of how  deep various bodies of water go, with landmarks, shipwrecks and structures used to provide scale. Lets just say the bottom of the ocean sounds like a wondrous and terrifying place. 

Equally cool, and something I just discovered, are these underwater sculptures in various sea beds. The article and gallery are quite interesting while the photos... simply gorgeous.   

Tuesday Tune -- Lets jump back to one of my very favourite albums from high school ("Room On Fire" came out when I was in Grade 11, but listening to this one afterwards completely blew my mind). Got to see them live at work a couple years ago and beyond bringing back a million memories of the early 2000s, they were pretty darn good also. Here's a killer tune off that debut album.

 

 

That's it for another week! Take care all, pray that somehow the Red Sox and Yankees can both lose tonight (or do what I'm gonna do and not watch), treat each other well and don't spill that mustard.