Doldrums For Last Call

..............

'Have a good night, Rose.'
'You too, Cal! Thanks! See you tomorrow!'

Gentle Rose had been one of Calvin Broe's favourite people to work with since she had started just a few months earlier. She had a soft face, dark wavy brown hair, a natural smile, and the pleasantness of a pillow after a long day. She was very attractive, although Calvin was spoken for.

Still her cheery words lingered in his mind as he made it inside the closing elevator. It had been a long day, several appointments had either cancelled or demanded schedule changes. Soon he'd be set for a quiet evening with April, his girl. The elevator opened at the main floor and a terrible stench assaulted not just his nose but each of his senses.

'Sewage leak in one of the washrooms!' He overheard someone explain. 'Whole floor's rancid.'

This was not the ending to his workday Calvin was willing to tolerate. There was a somewhat secret passage downstairs that led into another building a couple of blocks away. He closed the elevator and set course downward. The doors opened again and now before him was a bright narrow corridor with a door at the end, for which he had a key to. Through there he went, unlocked the door, which led now to a similar unremarkable bright corridor, without any kind of markings or decor of interest on the floor or walls.

This would be a slight detour but he'd be outside on Shuter Street in about ten minutes and on a streetcar within twenty. Calvin's thoughts drifted from what he and April might make for dinner (hopefully that lasagna they'd been talking about), to the big basketball game Saturday night. He was imagining a smooth three-point jump shot when the lights of the corridor flickered, faded, then went completely out. There was only a total darkness, without sound, sight, or the joy of touch.

Time elapsed, until there was once again light in this tunnel, though dim coming from straight on ahead. Broe stumbled forward, hardly able to make out anything on either side of him. A hard pain welcomed his left knee as it collided with something cold and solid, like metal. He thought this painfully strange, since there had been nothing obstructing the corridor before. His injured knee brushed the ground for a moment and felt a few inches of cold, salty water. Something which had surely not been there before.

In the dim light Broe still could not see well in front of him, so he went on slowly with his hands out to feel for anything else. A wooden something startled his elbow, he tripped over some wires and nearly went face first into the stream, while the air became smokier. None of this made any kind of sense to him. He had been through this tunnel dozens of times and never had anything like this even been suggested.

At last he came to the end of the ordeal, another door, though this one was large and silver. This would lead to an abandoned storage room on the other side, a staircase, and he'd be in the lobby of the derelict Stripnow Hotel where the old concierge didn't care about whoever climbs out from the basement. Broe put his key in the lock and turned but there was no give. Fiddling around accomplished an equal amount of nothing. His socks were wet, his knee was hurting bad, the smell of dampness had him nauseous and his patience had finally run out. With everything he had he threw his whole body into the door, and did so again. And again. It was weakening. Again he did it. One more should be enough. Every bone and muscle groaned with contempt but just one more bash and he'd be in the crappy storage room of the Stripnow Hotel. A running start and he threw his body against that malicious door. It flew open, and so flew Broe to the ground. There was a brief moment until he realized he was not in any storage room.

'Who the hell is this maniac? Why'd you bust down our door?'

Broe was hoisted to his feet by a trio of strong arms and shoved hard against the wall. After this, his ordeal in the tunnel and the battering his body took versus the silver door, he was in too much physical agony to even nod a response. The trio of arms let him go and instead gave way to a tall woman dressed entirely in white, at least according to Broe's blurred sense of vision.

'Get outta here before we call the cops. Exit's that way. Now.'

He was able to gather the mental strength for a nod and stumbled towards the direction she pointed. So he went, staggering almost blindly through a haze of colours and sounds that were almost shapes. A stranger yelled a nasty expletive into his ear, and it was only a moment later that he realized he'd caused the stranger to drop a heavy full container of something.
Smell was the first sense to return to a respectable level, and the sensation surprised Broe. It was an assault of scents all being mixed and transformed at once, combined with steam, sizzle and especially smoke. Then taste returned, as these diverse scents all landed on his tounge and overwhelmed his mouth. Touch joined the party, though it took another accidental stumble into some poor person for the invitation to be accepted. Slowly, an intense ringing came into his ears and he fell to his knees. He wasn't sure if he screamed or not, since he could not hear the sound either way. The ringing reached a level of unbearable torture for a century of a moment, then was instantly gone. Sounds of rushed voices and yelled orders and general bustle replaced the pain. His hearing had completely returned and his setting completely made sense. He was in a kitchen.

Even his vision came into sharper certainty once he reached the exit he'd been ordered towards. Sure enough it was the staircase to the hotel lobby Broe had expected so long ago. Once in the lobby, his vision was mostly restored and his born-again eyes could not believe the grandeur before them. His mind told him this was the entrance of the Stripnow Hotel, with the cracked ceilings with dangling lamps and stained marble floors and graffiti doors; yet his new eyes corrected those ideas with a gorgeous crystal chandelier and polished marble tiles and a doorman standing watch behind clear gold framed doors. The old concierge was there, thankfully bringing some reality back to Broe's world.

'These renovations eh? When'd this happen?' Broe asked.
'Pardon me, sir? How'd you get in here?' The Concierge replied.
'Come on, pal. I've been coming through the secret tunnel for years. You've seen my face fifty times I'm sure.'
'Perhaps...'  nodded The Concierge, squinting at Broe closely. 'What room are you staying in?'
'I... I'm not staying in any room. I was just using the tunnel in the basement to---'
'If you're not a guest I'll have to ask you to leave, sir. Your smell is unpleasant to our paying guests.'
'That's because I was down in... fine. Nevermind...'

Broe stumbled out the gold framed front doors, ignoring the doorman's request to come back, and finally emerged into open air. The downtown streets were as familiar as ever, which comforted him, though there were some shops he did not recognize. He hadn't enough change in his pockets for a streetcar fare, so he snuck in the back doors of one while a large group paid at the front. His feet were uncomfortable being wet and sore in his ruined shoes. All he could think about was taking a shower, putting on a fresh set of clothes and settling in with April to tell this ridiculous story.

The stop for Laing Street came and Broe stumbled down the streetcar steps, his home only a few steps away. He knocked on the front door and a tall square jawed man answered it. Broe did not know this man.

'Can I help you?' The man at the door asked.
'Yes. What the hell are you doing in my house?'
'Excuse me? Who are you?'
'I'm the one who lives here. Get out before I call the cops.'
'Call the cops?' The man at the door exclaimed. 'You want me to grab my lease agreement? Show you the picture of my wife and children in the living room you lunatic?'
'You're the lunatic! What have you done with my April? I swear if you've hurt her in any way...'
'April? April... Denners?'
'Yeah!' Broe yelled, clenching his fists. 'Know her, eh? I'll kill you, you piece of shit, if there's so much as a bruise, I swear.'
'April Denners is the woman who lived here before. She showed me the place.' The man at the door explained. 'But she's long gone, dude. This was years ago. Too many painful memories, she told me.'
'You... you're lying.' Broe growled, shaking his head.
'I have a pile of mail for her right here. All these years and she never gave me a forwarding address.'

The man at the door rummaged for a moment before producing a stack of unopened envelopes as thick as a dictionary. They were all addressed to April, some of them slightly yellowed from exposure to air. Broe nearly fainted from confusion, fortunately grabbing hold of the tiny green picket fence he himself had built.

'Listen, there's a shelter a couple blocks east down Queen if you've got nowhere to go. Get some food, fresh clothes.' The man at the door suggested, anger now transformed into concern.

Broe ignored him, took the stack of envelopes and wandered away without thoughts. The night came and had grown old when Broe at last found sleep. He awoke curled up and off to the side of an enormous grassy field, an enormous reservoir towering over him on one side and two tall smoke chimneys on the other. It was morning and his mind was clearer. He had one place left he could go that would resolve this nonsense and put the pieces right again.

Without money it was a long trek back downtown, the hour just past noon when he arrived back outside his workplace. He had expected a call asking why he was late for work, but his cellphone hadn't even flickered. He pushed through the front doors and there was the familiar reception desk beside the familiar potted palm trees. An unfamiliar woman sat behind the desk though, which curbed Broe's brief sensation of momentum.

'May I help you?' She asked, an older woman with a noticeable West Indies accent.
'Yes I work here. Just signing in.'

The receptionist quickly looked over Broe's scummy, disheveled appearance and obviously did not give his claim any kind of seriousness.

'Please sir, you're wasting my time. Don't make me call security.'
'I can prove it!' Broe insisted, patting what was left of his damp, torn pants. 'Ummm...'

His hands rummaged through every spot he had, until at last a rectangle of plastic wedged in a twisted pocket found his thumb and index finger. He showed it to the receptionist, fighting back a desperate smile.

'This... this is an old ID. I haven't seen one of these since I first started. You sure you still work here?'

Broe nodded.

'Okay. Well lemme check your name in the computer and... um... oh. Okay. Why are you here exactly?'
'I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on!' Broe answered, more aggressively than he intended.
'Okay. You can go on up, Calvin.'

Maybe he thanked the receptionist or maybe he didn't, Broe wasn't sure. Now he was in the elevator, rising back up to his job. Something guaranteed to restore order. He felt bad about being late of course, but considering the ordeal of confusion he had suffered, his co-workers would understand. Maybe there would be some laughs over some beers. Maybe they would know where April was, off at some relative's house for a surprise out of town thing. It would all make sense soon.

The elevator doors opened and Broe stepped out. Everything had been shifted around, but it wasn't a big deal. He walked for a bit, ignoring the eyes watching him do so, until he found where his office used to be.

'Why is there a vending machine here?'

A woman stepped out of a nearby room, looking directly at Broe. She seemed older than he remembered, her dark wavy brown hair much shorter now.

'Step in here please, Mr. Broe.'

He followed, the door slamming shut behind him with a conclusive click. It was a nice office, a excellent view of Old City Hall, and spacious enough for several people to sit and discuss business. There were enough chairs for half a dozen people and they were all comfortable.

'It's good to see you again, Cal. It's been a painfully long time' said Gentle Rose.
'Ha, good one.' Broe laughed. 'I said goodbye to you yesterday.'

Rose fought back an emotion and opened a drawer in her desk, pulling out a pile of papers held together by knitting strings.

'I was crazy about you from the moment we first met. You were always so kind to me, so sweet. These papers were sent to me because they had nowhere else to go, and I've kept them in the hope that you would walk into my office one day. And here you are.'

She stood up from her chair, walked towards Broe and kissed him on the cheek.

'I'm sorry Calvin.'

Rose walked out of the office and shut the door behind her gently. All that was left was Broe and the bundle of papers before him. He lifted the bundle into his lap with both hands and glanced over the first page: it was his handwriting but he'd dated it six years earlier for some reason. Each page was written as a letter to himself, either outlining goals, happenings in life, details about April, or various whatevers. Broe dug deeper into the papers: his penmanship became more erratic the deeper it went. And so it went, his dreams lovable until paranoid, his confidence sharp until buried, his ambition admirable until unrealistic, his love tender until directionless. The whole thing was eventually unreadable. Just scribbles on a page, hopelessly seeking direction.

'What happened?'

There was nobody to answer the question. But the sound of a dark, dripping tunnel lingered long enough to smirk before leaving.

Neville Park pt. V

'Leaving without saying goodbye? Not polite.'

The woman in the red hat strutted around my sprawled out form. She wasn't exactly inviting me to get up, but I sensed no threat of being thrown to the ground again. I stood up, checked to make sure the sewer exit was still there (yes) and slowly backed away from her.

'I can't understand why you keep running away. It's not doing you any good.'

This deep into it, I wanted to know more of the mystery, of the circumstances that brought me to this absurd place. So I stayed for a moment.

'I want to be free. I want to get back where I came from, get back home.'
'You are home.' She smiled.
'This isn't home. This isn't where I belong.'
'Home is a state of mind.'

During this exchange I'd been slowly backing towards the open grate. It was only a few metres away: a dozen more lines of dialogue and I'd be halfway down. I sensed the rush of all the tremendous monsters I'd encountered approaching the crescent, but even they wouldn't catch me in time.

'Why did you bring me here?'
'You brought yourself here.'
'Not buying it. I don't know what you are, but I intend to get out of here momentarily. Then once I'm back in my own bedroom, I'm gonna use this experience to write a best selling Fantasy Romance novel, which will sell millions of copies in drugstores. So yeah lady, anything else you wanna say before I escape?'

The rush of monsters had just entered the crescent but instead of lunging for me they formed a half circle around the open grate. I thought perhaps she was deliberating over a response was just to delay me so her beasts could strike, but instead they backed away in almost beautiful harmony.

'The sooner you accept that you're here, the sooner you'll enjoy it. Until then, we just keep playing this game.'

With a dismissing shout of 'Nonsense!' and a lewd gesture to finish, I scrambled down the shaft just as I heard the monsters clawing at the ladder. A bright red light overwhelmed my vision and then my sense of touch. I lost my grip on the ladder and fell fast into an endless nothing.

-----

'Dude! You okay? That was quite a drop! Anyone know this guy?'

I was dizzy from an apparently hard impact with the floor. My body was firm as ever though, and undamaged. I tried to wave off the concerned faces from above but one came down the ladder as I got to my feet. His concern was genuine, though familiar in some faint way.

'Sure you're all right, man? That was a serious misstep!'
'Yeah... just a bad tumble but... I think I'll be good.'
'Yeah yeah. Just in case though take a swig of this. It's pretty hazy up there, I was feeling something dizzy myself.'

The stranger handed me a flask, which I took a swig of. It was mostly full and as such I swallowed more than I intended. Bourbon probably. When it's in your nostrils it all tastes the same.

'Harris! Get back up here! We're rolling another one!'
'Yeah! I'll be right up! Hold on to this for me, will you?'

Before I could refuse the flask and hand it back, he'd disappeared back up onto the roof. It was getting late and I didn't much care to wait for a herbal episode to end itself. I went downstairs for my jacket and bag, and to find Gregory so to leave the flask with the birthday boy.
Halfway down the stairs I ran into Gregory's girlfriend and she immediately asked me how I liked the food. I smiled and nodded, ignored the giant green grain still stuck between my back teeth, and escaped before my stomach could growl harsh revenge upon her. In the kitchen was where I found Gregory, having an intense conversation with a girl too busy posing in a swimsuit to respond.

'Hey dude I'm off. Thanks for a great party.'
'Coates!eyahyou'vebeen thanksfor comingIreallyappreciate it you'regrwat! Great! That's all I'm saying. All I'm saying.'
'Yeah. Great.'

Gregory gave me a giant hug, one so strong he accidentally pulled me back into the fridge, knocking over the woman on the calendar he'd been so engaged with. A coupon for Star Burger also fell to the ground, which I claimed with as much sneakiness as a pickpocket robbing a nudist. There were also some chocolate raisins in a bowl, but I asked if I could have those. Honour amongst coupon thieves, you know.

'Takeimtakeim she doesn'tlikeim don'thave enoughfibrebutgawd damn everythingshemakes hasdamnfgrains I can't even finishamealwithoutfeelinglikeI'mmadeofstraw!'

Gregory leaned towards me, spilling some of his drink onto my shoes. By the smell I figured it was wine.

'Butyouwouldn'tdo that, Miss... November... Ibetyouhavealottarecipesthat are great anddelicious... hey... where'dmyTzarBurgercoupongo...'
'Have a good night dude!'

I made it to the front door, found my jacket and my sharp blue shoes and headed out. There was a porch out front with some smokers, perfect as I did not know this area well and needed directions to the nearest transit point. All of the smokers offered their help.

'There's a streetcar that runs nearby. Just follow the major street. Be careful around the lake.'
'Yeah be careful! Lots of weirdos out there.'
'It's chilly out, hope you brought your gloves!'
'Have a good night, guy!'
'Take er easy, dude! Streetcar is right there!'
'Peace.'
'Hey, you might need this.'

A girl in a green dress slipped something into my back jeans pocket and blew me a kiss farewell. I felt around in the pocket, finding a pack of gum, and figured that was her way of telling me my breath stunk. The main street was just around the corner. My hands were trembling, it was colder than I remembered.

There was a woman in a large red hat watching me from the shadow of a streetlamp. I glanced over at her and she smiled back. My stomach also was growling and I turned away. There had only been weird food at that party, everything had grains in it. Like, ultra aggressive green and red grains that were the size of nickels. And they were in everything, even the pasta. Hopefully there was a Star Burger on the way home.

Then seemingly by my command, the smell of barbeque lingered in the air.  I figured it would fade yet instead it grew stronger. By the next corner I spotted smoke in the air, leading down this new street. The wind was whispering and my hands were cold again. I looked up and the houses of this street veered high above me, many with stairwells or walkways scaling the mini-mountains where the summit was the front door. I went on for the smoke. It felt like years since I'd last eaten.

Neville Park pt. IV

After a few more left turns, I reached a marble wall with three identically unmarked doors.


I deliberated out loud:

'Surely only one of these doors leads to safety, the other two a path to some kind of doom I'm sure. But which one? There must be some clue. Any suggestions lying nearby? Nope. Maybe in something the red lady said? Let's see... intentions set in stone... no... get up on the pedestal... definitely not helpful... the colour red? Not numerically significant, but there are three letters in "red" and three doors here! Of course! But... the doors don't have numbers. Huh. Wait, maybe something in my pocket has the answer! Chocolates... flask of... bourbon?' *swig* 'Ughhh gawd... no answer there... what else... coupon for Star Burger... mints, only one left. One left? Left! That's it! I'll take the left door.'

With a deep exhale I pushed through the left door and expected the worst. Instead I was inside a marvelous dance hall, filled with people socializing and laughing. The door shut behind me and I turned around, seeing two identical doors beside the one I'd entered. All the guests of this dance hall were dressed in colourfully fabulous clothing: the ladies in long flowing formal gowns with jewelry and hair that sparkled under the high chandeliers, the men in sharp tuxedos with shoes as polished as marble. Several of them noticed my sudden presence and came over cheerfully with their drinks in hand.

'Hey welcome to the party! What's your name?'
'Coates.'
'Excellent! Won't you join us for a drink? The more the merrier!'
'Sure, um, but I'm afraid I'm underdressed.' I replied, my shabby jeans and wine stained sneakers powerfully out of place.
'Oh don't worry! We'll get you fixed up. Please! This way.'

They led me over towards a large punch bowl with a bunch of empty flute glasses beside it. A tall woman with a fro filled up a glass and handed to me, giving me a quick cheers before taking a large sip from her own drink. I nodded and looked this green drink over, its sweet smell very appealing. I was about to bring the brim to my lips when somebody knocked into me from behind, spilling most of the drink onto the floor.

'Oh my, sir I'm so sorry!' A klutzy man in a tuxedo apologized, patting me on the back. 'Let me get you another one. You'd think staying in one place would help my clumsiness but no, apparently!'

It was no big deal and a fresh glass was quickly in my hands. As I raised the glass again to my lips something shiny from the ground snagged my glance. It was the puddle on the floor where my first drink had fallen. That particular spot was transforming from crude concrete stone into flawless, polished green marble. I put the drink down on the table and spun around to the woman who had handed me the first drink, only to find her entire form frozen in the same kind of marble. Her expression was peaceful, blissful, natural. This was her true form. Movement was an illusion.

Several others around me had also frozen back into pristine statue form. I staggered away and nervously scanned the hall for another exit. The party-goers still capable of motion converged on me, pushing their green drinks towards my face. Many of them were changing into marble as they approached, and I backed away as quickly as I could. Glasses were breaking and liquid was flying and my ears were filled with screeching. To think how nice this party had been before I'd arrived.

I escaped through a silver door behind a red curtain and was back in the hedge maze. This time however, the ground was made of a smooth tile that shone in the invisible sunlight. There was the scent of reaching the end of this strange ordeal and so I pushed hard ahead. An occasional booby trap attempted to hinder my progress but were so badly designed and obvious that I assumed most of the funding around here had gone into the party. I climbed a series of twisting steps and entered a large enclosed crescent, the tiled path ending around an open sewer grate. The end of the road. I ran towards it but an arm grabbed my midsection and threw me to the ground.

'Leaving without saying goodbye? Not polite.'

Neville Park pt. III

There was an underwater cave ahead just within sight, narrow enough that these slithering phantoms might not squeeze through. But they were gaining. I wasn't going to make it.


Mindlessly, I reached into my back pocket: a pack of gum was there. I stuffed the whole thing in my mouth, without any water spilling in, and chewed as quickly as I could while swimming. The snakes were close now, shrieking like drowning sirens. There wasn't any more time. I spun around and blew the chewed up gum through my lips. The bubble inflated fast, like my lungs were a gas station air valve, and soon it was three times the size of my body. I freed it from my lips and let it float straight into the incoming snakes. They all went right for it, darting into the marvelous pink bubble and becoming instantly trapped by its gooey stickiness. Soon they were held secure within that perfect spherical shape, granting me the chance to reach the cave.
Once I was inside, the water within completely drained out, leaving me in a dark underground canyon of sorts. The chasm in the centre of it all was endlessly deep, meaning the only way forward was to carefully scale the thin ledges around the rock face. I began to do so, and immediately a horrible laughing startled me and I nearly fell.

'Look at you! Ha ha! Holding on like your life depends on it! Ha ha ha!'

The echoing voice was jolly, though harshly mocking. I tried ignoring it but each time it spoke the voice cut deep into my nerves.

'Climbing a wall like a spider! Ha ha! Maybe you could be a superhero with that ability! Ha! Wouldn't that be something!'
'There's already a superhero who does... wait why am I even talking to you?'

My left foot slipped and my weight gave out. Only by my quick hands was I able to grab the ledge before it was too late.

'Uh-oh! Ha ha! Guess you could call that... a misstep! Ha ha ha!'
'You're not helping!'

My hands were still wet and my grip wasn't up to this impossible challenge. They gave up and down I went, the hysterical giggles echoing louder as I fell.

'Have a nice trip! Ha ha ha!'

I plummeted for what felt like an eternity. Or maybe a minute or two. By the end of it there was a bright red light that made me dizzy, yet comfortably warm. It faded and I was sprawled on a patch of green grass, my foot resting against a hard slab of some kind.

'Have a nice trip?'

It was her, the woman in the red hat, unmistakably pleased with herself. I jumped to my feet, confirmed I was in the exact same garden with the same marble statues as before, and turned to face her.

'What do you want?' I had to ask.
'Nothing.' She smiled. Again my first thought was obedience.
'Then... why am I still here? You're obviously behind this. Just let me go.'
'Sorry, my intentions are set in stone.'
'Does everybody here have to make ridiculous puns?'
'Who's everybody? There's only one person here...'

Again that smile. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Everyone else seemed so happy. She sensed my faltering resistance and reached out to touch my face. Right then I snapped out of the trance and sprinted off down the path I hadn't taken yet. It led to an enormous series of hedge walls. There was nothing chasing me this time as I reached the entrance, which was not comforting. Still I was convinced I could lose her in here and then have time to plan a proper escape.
Knowing that wandering into randomly appearing mazes without any kind of plan usually ends badly, I grabbed a bag of chocolate raisins from my pocket which I'd stolen from Gregory's party. As I went deeper into this hedge labyrinth I left a smattering of these candies around each corner I turned, if I ever needed to retrace my steps. After a trio of left turns my path was blocked by a tall reflective man in front of a red pond.

'Say you what?' The reflective man snarled.
'What?' I replied.
'Right! Off you go.'

He stepped aside and gestured to the smooth red water. A series of stones broke through the surface and formed a makeshift bridge from one shore to the other. I thanked the strange man but he only grunted:

'Try not to look into the water. And definitely don't touch it.'

It was only fifty metres across the pond (there was a handy sign) and so I went. About halfway (there was another sign sticking from the pond reading "About Halfway") I heard singing. Forgetting the man's warning, I looked down into the water and saw an incredible sight. Behind my own reflection was a young girl swimming alone, the soft tone of her voice coming through the surface of the water and filling my ears. I knelt down as she noticed me. Smiling, she drifted towards the surface and reached up her hand for me. My own hand descended to the pond, ready for this innocent, welcoming touch. Finally I remembered and pulled back, just as a vicious sharp claw broke through the surface of the pond and swiped at me. Over my shoulder I saw the reflective man shaking his head at my foolishness.
I skipped across the remaining stones and once on shore ran as fast as I could until the next turn in the hedges. After a few more left turns, I reached a marble wall with three identically unmarked doors.

Neville Park pt. II

'Welcome, Coates. It's great to have you.'



'How do you know my name?'
'Who's to say I'm not the one who gave you that name?'
'...uhhhhh... huh.'
'Well said. Now Coates, you have many questions, like... why are you here?'
'Why am I here?'
'Or, who am I?'
'Who are you?'
'Like that! Another one could be, say, how did you get here?'
'How did I get here?'
'Now you're getting it! It's always good to ask questions.'
'Yeah!' I nodded, twiddling my thumbs and looking over this bizarre but beautiful red-clad woman. 'So, why am I...'
'So! Step out of that pool and follow me. Are you hungry, Coates?'
My stomach answered for me.
'Right! Well, I do have these hot dogs with bacon right over here.'

She pointed to a pedestal where some wieners and buns were laid out. I stepped out of the water like a puppet and assembled a sausage, took a hungry bite and spit out the whole thing in disgust. Still in my teeth was a giant green grain.

'Yeah, sorry. I don't really care for those grains either. Oh well! It doesn't really matter anyway. Follow me, you'll see why!'

The woman in the red hat led me along a pathway and I was compelled to follow. We passed several rows of green marble statues atop pedestals, all carved of exposed humans male and female in blissful poses. She stopped at one marble pedestal that did not have a statue yet and I quickly saw where this was going.

'I'm sorry, but I don't get stoned anymore.'
'Those who live in glass houses don't throw stones.'
'Guess I don't wanna be stuck in one place for the rest of my life.'
'Strike a pose, then.'

There were three pathways: left, right and the way from which I came. I ran down the nearest one (right) as fast as I could. The lady in the red hat and the green marble statues faded behind me into the distance. Then they came closer. Suddenly I was right back where I was. She had the same confident smirk on her face. It was irresistible.

'Stuck in one place?'
'This isn't funny. How do I get out of here?'
'Ha! Like I'm going to tell you that. Get up on the pedestal. You'll like it. I've told you you'll like it.'
'Get lost. Make like the ocean and um... erode. Yeah! Okay Goodbye.'

This time I sprinted back the way I came, back towards the fountain in the middle of the garden. Except this time there was no rung ladder leading upwards. Perhaps there never had been a ladder at all. I scanned the area for another escape but none was obvious, every direction probable to lead back to where it began. Perhaps there was no escape because this was where I was meant to be. Too easy though. Maybe.
Instead of choosing a direction, I plunged into the water of the fountain. Despite it being only shoelace-deep before, my whole body was submerged upon impact. I swam down, not feeling any immediate need of oxygen, also while sensing something following me. Sure enough, just over my shoulder were a dozen water snakes, darting through the water like vicious laser beams towards me. There was an underwater cave ahead just within sight, narrow enough that these slithering phantoms might not squeeze through. But they were gaining. I wasn't going to make it.

Neville Park pt. I

I was born James Rufus Gorgolong Coates twenty-four years ago last Thursday, but most people refer to me as 'Coates' and so shall you for the remainder of this tale. A tale composed of words you have seen before but never in this particular arrangement.

It was the birthday party of my close friend Gregory and the night was winding down. I gave my best wishes to my dear comrade (once I found him flirting with his fridge calendar), put on my sharp blue shoes and headed out the door. He lived in a part of town I didn't know very well but several strangers at the party had told me there was a streetcar running nearby. It was dark and my hands were cold. There was a woman in a large hat watching me from the shadow of a streetlamp.

My stomach also was growling. There had only been weird food at that party, everything had grains in it. I don't mean those tasty little grains in whole wheat bread, I mean aggressive green and red grains that were the size of nickels. And they were in everything, even the salad. Gregory's new girlfriend had made it and she asked me if I liked it when I left. I smiled. Good old versatile smiles, dishonesty without lying.

The smell of barbeque lingered in the air as I wandered the street. I figured it would fade as I walked further, yet instead it grew stronger. By the time I came to the next corner I could faintly see smoke in the air, leading down this new street. My stomach shoved aside the navigator and told the rest of me to follow the trail. Maybe wherever this was coming from had a spare hot dog or something. Maybe something with bacon.

A different something made a screech and I tumbled over. I'd tripped over a reddish cat, who hissed at me and scurried off. The wind was whispering and my hands were cold again. I looked up and the houses of this street veered high above me, many with stairwells or walkways scaling the mini-mountains where the summit was the front door. These houses were all mansions and not one was slightly identical to the others in any way, which seemed impossible. Still it was an enjoyable scene until my stomach growled its existence so it was time to hurry. I turned around and saw a new long stretch of huge houses reaching high into the sky.

Also the main street was gone.

There was no sign of the way I'd come, not even in the distance. I figured I must've walked further then I realized, but I wasn't certain of that. Instead of retracing my steps though, I went on forward. I'd just turn at the next corner and search for a streetcar that way. The road expanded after a few hundred steps and spread into a large circle, creating a crescent that led back into the way it came. There was no pathway in-between any of the houses around the crescent. A large sign in front of the middle house read "No Exit" and I made a wisecrack to nobody about stating the obvious.

There was an open sewer grate in the middle of the crescent with some steam puffing out. Moving closer I discovered it wasn't steam but smoke, with the very same smell that had lured me here. The open grate was also flickering some kind of green light, and between the light show and a smell of barbeque there was no refusing a closer look. I looked down into the hole and saw it was completely lit in green. The smell was stronger than before.

Now normally I follow a personal rule about not climbing into mysteriously open sewer holes, a rule I'm sure many other folks also share. But this was an extraordinary situation... yes. So down I went, with the aid of a rung ladder that was sturdy and oddly dry. I must have been thirty rungs down when my foot splashed some water and my whole vision was blinded by green light. It slowly faded and my surroundings became clear again: I was no longer in a green sewer shaft.

My feet were shoelaces deep in a pool of water and my hands were clinging to a marble rail along a much larger sculpture. This place was some kind of enormous garden, filled with patches of exotic red flowers, rows of trees and a scattering of green marble statues. The sky was a dark blue and filled with a variety of rolling puffy clouds, like a painting by somebody who loves sunsets, or clouds. The air was as cool as before but my hands were perfectly fine.

A tall woman in a fine red outfit and hat approached me, appearing out of nowhere and yet somewhere. Her hair was completely hidden under her hat. She grinned and shook my hand.

'Welcome, Coates. It's great to have you.'