Tuesday 7 July 2020

East End Eats X: Nepal India Curry House






Without doing intense research (if that's what you want then I'll start a Patreon so I get paid for this, gawdamnit), Nepal India Curry House currently exists where the restaurant 'Amma' once was.

I remember 'Amma' as an outside banner, a place I passed by dozens of times but never noticed or even considered. Once 'Nepal House' took it's place is when I realized something along this stretch had changed.

Before you ditch this review in favour of someone actually paying attention to things, this changeover was extremely recent. The exteriors (aside from the name) of both restaurants are so similar, a mistake by the likes of me is regrettably understandable. Still here? Good.

Nepal India Curry House isn't the best curry I've had, but that's only because I tried Cinamon Bistro a couple of months earlier and that stuff is on another level. The food here at 'Nepal' is fantastic. I ordered the Lamb Saag, and was met with a bitter yet rich creamy spinach sauce, with tender lamb, good spice and a nice helping of rice (an extra charge but you definitely get an extra amount).

I am still a noob when it comes to this kind of cuisine (pizza is way more straightforward damnit!) but I find with a curry sauce I like two things: plentiful with strong, lasting flavour; and a meat so tenderly cooked that the texture and juiciness is the perfect companion to that sauce. A bad meat curry can easily be a lot like a bad pizza: even when it's bad it's still kinda good?

Except.... that's bullshit. Bad pizza sucks your soul out and laughs while it does so. Nepal India Curry House is the opposite of that. It is great food, inviting you to explore and enjoy. You won't come back because you're desperate for a regrettable fleeting sensation... you'll come back for the real lasting sensation. Marvelous.
     

East End Eats IX: No Bull Burgers




We finally venture off of Queen East, north up the nasty cliff/hill and onto Kingston Road. While the area of Queen Street between Woodbine and Victoria Park has dozens of shops, cafes and restaurants, much of that stretch of Kingston is residential. Most of those types of businesses are condensed within certain pockets, particularly a stretch spanning a few blocks west of Vic Park.

Quite a few new spots have opened up here in recent years (Porch Light, Somun Superstar to name a few) while No Bull Burgers is the more veteran offering of the strip. For a time they had a second location on Parliament Street, though it vanished into the fog a few years ago.

The prices are reasonable and seeing how hungry I was, I went for their "little" burger as well as a small supreme poutine (about sixteen bucks in total). The "little" burger isn't small (compared to an A&W Buddy Burger, or a typical slider from a restaurant), weighing in at 4 oz and a nice big bun. Unlike the frozen BBQ beef texture of Outrigger, this patty brings the real burger goods. Soft, well seasoned and juicy without oozing grease all over the place. My choice of toppings were rather bland, subjectively (just mayo, dijon mustard, lettuce and pickles. No cheese even) and that's all this little fella needed. Very impressed.

Likewise, the poutine was also of a steady quality. Their "supreme" option is a classic poutine with bacon, sour cream and chopped chives. Poutine is something I only treat myself to maybe once every few months (ever since I entered my thirties it seems to like long term leasing space in my gut, ha) but I've been to Montreal dozens of times and I know the good stuff when I encounter it. No Bull's poutine... is a faithful imitation of a Quebec style poutine. The rich, thicker gravy, squeaky cheese curds (really a must) are the foundation and No Bull does it reasonably well. It's not the real thing (I've only had one poutine in Ontario that really hit that mark) but it's very tasty and enjoyable.

Thankfully, the fries are also better than generic frozen fare and those base elements, with the sour cream, chives and bacon adding their respective flavours... I was impressed and quite pleased. This is one of the best true poutines I've enjoyed in Toronto in quite a long time, and I'd take it over Smoke's any day.

Overall... yeah this is some good stuff, and while not an insane bargain it doesn't burn vengeful holes in your wallet either. Worth the trip for you non-east folks.

Wednesday 1 July 2020

Ranking The Star Trek Movies From Worst to Best



Time for a break writing about food and into another topic I'm passionate about: science fiction. Specifically here, Star Trek.

Much like the multiple television series, the movie franchise is a seriously mixed bag. Sometimes it was absolutely incredible, tackling complex social and human issues in a uniquely sophisticated way. Other times it was laughably awful, cheesy as all hell or just unbearably stupid. With thirteen films to choose from, I'm going to start with the putrid and climb my way up the ladder. Some of you I'm sure will disagree with my order and I'd love to hear your arguments why, this is just how I see it.

Oh, and warning(!!!!!!) if you haven't seen some of these movies, there will be spoilers.


Engage.



#13 -- Star Trek: Generations (1994)





Few lists have this as the worst Star Trek movie, usually just as one of the worst. The more I think about it though, this one wins the crown for me because of two reasons: the unsatisfying death of a cultural icon, and this whole production was a complete mess. 

To the second point, visually everything just looks wrong. The Enterprise-D fans of Next Gen had seen for seven seasons now has different lighting than before, plus it's inconsistent. Sure, it's a movie not a television production... it's just that this looks like a fan-made parody of the show instead of the real thing. 

Then the uniforms. Dear god... why? You have every character switching back and forth between the TNG style and DS9 ones, often in the very next scene! It's like during a crisis Commander Riker leaves the bridge to visit sickbay, and on the way thinks "Hmmmm, maybe a black shirt would be more slimming." It's incredibly distracting, and lends this movie more of that amateurish quality I mentioned.

I won't get into the story too much, just that you can drive a squad of dump trucks into these plot holes. Picard, when in the Nexus (I'm not even gonna start with that stupid ass-thing) is told he can go back to any point in time, so he decides to go back like fifteen minutes earlier so he can stop the villain from launching his star-destroying probe. Hey Jean-Luc! That's great and all, but why don't you go back like two weeks instead? Seems like that might make things easier, what with you knowing his evil plan now and all. You could even have a Federation fleet waiting for him at that planet before he lands. Why not? Heroes gotta hero? Geez this movie sucks.    

One thing largely absent from the Next Gen movies are the great characterization of the main cast, which is what helped made the show so great. Data in particular: most of the TNG films like to use him as comic relief, and this one takes it beyond overboard. Instead of the emotionless loyal android on a perpetual journey to become more human, this movie finally gives him emotions and he becomes unbearably annoying! Each gag is worse than the last (though I've always found his "lifeforms" jingle sort of amusing). Oh yeah, also they destroy the iconic Enterprise-D at the very end of the film because fuck you.

This movie was promoted as the great meeting of Picard and Kirk, two legendary captains for two different generations of Star Trek fans. Well as cool as that sounds, it's underwhelming. The two captains are very different, and while if you're a (creatively challenged) movie producer I get why you want your two big stars in a big action fistfight with the villain. Thing is, well they're both kinda old, so it just looks awkward. Neither of their best traits were fighting anyway... Picard is known for strong principles, leadership and diplomacy, Kirk for his quick thinking, confidence and ingenuity. Couldn't they have found a way to make these legendary sci-fi heroes win the day while somewhat utilizing these attributes that make them such legends oh right Hollywood action movie. 

The death of Kirk has been written about a lot, so all I will say is that it's goddamn awful, like this movie. A character like Kirk? It should've been grander... hell his "death" at the beginning of the film (saving a ship as it rescues evacuees) is way more heroic and satisfying. Switching them around... well it wouldn't have saved the film but it could've prevented it's greatest error.

Anyway, 'Generations' is the worst Star Trek movie. It lacks respect for iconic characters, looks cheap, and impressively gives no shits about the two most popular eras of the franchise. No redeeming quality. 



#12 -- Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)      


 



This is one I suspect many of you won't agree with, but that's fine. As fans we all have different things we like about Trek, and I can understand people who say they like the action, the pacing or the plot twists of this film.

For me though, this movie is completely mindless. Its only successes are copying great dramatic ideas from earlier films and turning them around (it's Spock who yells "Khan!" instead! Oh my!). I saw it in theatres and while it was an exciting experience, I was overall underwhelmed and found it predictable. The more I've thought about it, and then rewatched it, the flaws become so glaring. The acting is fine (despite Chris Pine's "Dudebro" Kirk dialed to 11) but the story is all over the place, and the emotions of the characters feel hamfisted and forced in without any natural flow. What is Khan's plan, exactly? Freeing his friends from the clutches of Admiral Robocop who is blackmailing him? Gee, that doesn't sound so villainous. If anything, he's only a villain because he's Khan, who we know is bad so therefore he must be bad in this movie! Cumberbatch is a terrific actor, but he has nothing to work with here because the motivations of his Khan take a backseat and are barely addressed. Part of what made Montalban's Khan such a great villain was how he was so superior to regular humans in every way, yet even he could not recognize his own flaws. Character stuff, look it up. 

Aside from that, you get lots of stunning visuals, but it's between dozens of stupid scenes. Like Spock and Uhura arguing about their breakup in the middle of landing during a dangerous mission. When would that ever happen? Aren't you professionals at this? The best of the best? Or, when Kirk leers at Carol Marcus while she undresses, then still does when she asks him to turn back around. Hilarious stuff, boys! And I mean boys, since this was obviously written by some junior high dudes while giggling the whole time. 

Sure, Simon Pegg is always delightful, and Kirk's scene where he saves the ship at the expense of his own life... it's competently done and emotional. Bringing him back to life at the end, well okay fine but that feels like a missed opportunity. Wrapping everything in a neat little bow, instead of maybe leaving the audience aware and reflecting upon all the damage that Khan and the evil admiral have done here. You can always revive Kirk in the next film, after all. It's been done. And that's how I sum up Into Darkness: it's been done. And infinitely better.



#11 -- Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)




This is commonly considered the worst Trek movie, and while it is incredibly awful... there's also something rather amusing about it to me that keeps it from the very bottom of the basement.

What makes this so bad, beyond the worst acting in any Trek movie, is how much of an ego trip it is for William Shatner. He wrote and directed it, and while there are some potentially original ideas in there (unlike Generations or Into Darkness), I agree with the sentiment that this would've fit much better into a non-Star Trek universe. It's mostly about his version of Kirk, a superhero betrayed by most of his crew (supposedly Spock and McCoy were supposed to as well, but both Nimoy and Kelley refused. Good, that would've made this horrible movie so much worse within the context of Trek). 

The film is ambitious: Sybok (revealed to be Spock's full Vulcan half-brother) wants to journey to the centre of the galaxy because he believes God is there. Sybok isn't exactly a villain, as the heroes do work with him in the final act... just that he is clearly misguided by his obsession. That could've worked, maybe, but there's so much goofiness going on here it undercuts the seriousness that kind of quest would normally imply. In a film about searching the cosmos for God... you get Scotty bonking his head on a steel beam, rocket boots, deck numbers that repeat twice, three breasted catwomen (seriously), Uhura doing the infamous 'fan dance' to distract the dumbest henchmen in the history of cinema, Kirk, Spock and McCoy sitting around a campfire eating beans (twice!), the fact the ship keeps malfunctioning used as comedic relief (yeah that's reassuring... in goddamn space), "God" using lightning vision against our heroes... it's impossible to take any of this remotely seriously. 

I'd argue there's a charm to its badness, like it fails so miserably but in a way that almost redeems it. But... no. It's really goddamn terrible, and very hard to watch. Few characters beyond Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Sybok have any moment a crash test dummy couldn't fill in for and the plot doesn't make sense within the established Trek universe (it seemingly takes the Enterprise a few days to get from Earth to the centre of the galaxy, while stopping somewhere totally different on the way. I'm sure Voyager would've loved that kind of engine). 

It's only bearable when you don't think of it as a canon Trek film, and since nothing that happens here ever matters again... hey there ya go.  
      

#10 -- Star Trek: Nemesis (2002) 





A dune buggy chase, in a Star Trek movie. A dune buggy chase. For fucks sake.

I saw this in the theatre when I was fifteen (I was already a big Trek fan) and I remember liking it a lot. The space battle is exciting, Data's final moment incredibly touching, and Shinzon's ship looks scary as hell. But, the more you think about the logic of it, the less sense the story makes. This story... it's really some fancy crap.  

Most of the backstory makes no sense at all. For instance, how the hell does Shinzon have such a powerful ship when his adopted race (the Remans) are a mining slave race under the Romulans' heel? Even if they had the technological know how and materials available to build the most dangerous ship in the quadrant, don't you think somebody is gonna notice them doing it? Like the Romulans who are legitimately next door? 

As for Shinzon, he is arguably the weakest Trek film villain because his motivations are totally at odds with his backstory. A human clone of Picard created by the Romulans for a mission then aborted, so he gets thrown in a Reman mine as a child, soliders beating him up constantly. Naturally then, he wants to destroy... the Federation? What? 

So with some assassination blah blah, he becomes leader of the Romulan senate so the Enterprise-E visits him on a diplomatic mission. Shinzon's evil plan though is to steal Picard's blood because he'll die soon without it... so instead of attacking immediately once the Enterprise appears, he farts around for days (even before contacting the arrived and orbiting Enterprise). Impending death... not so urgent? 

The excellent Chuck Sonnenburg of Sfdebris.com makes a great hypothetical point: Shinzon's delays in kidnapping Picard could've been because he feels conflict and guilt over his plan of destroying his own race, and so is hesitating. Unfortunately, the film shows no sign of that idea. He's a generic villain and nothing at all like Picard, or what Picard could've been (another missed opportunity). Aside them both being bald, neither man echoes the other in the slightest. It's incredible Tom Hardy would later go on to make Bane so compellingly terrifying in The Dark Knight Rises, which I think proves my point of how weakly this film was conceived, written and directed.    

This movie is bad, full stop. The exciting space battle saves it from being totally pointless, though even then it feels like the Enterprise gets hit several billion times before actually taking damage. It lacks the character depth the Next Gen crew deserved in their finale, or the story depth to actually make this stupid assthing worthwhile. 


#9 -- Star Trek: Insurrection (1999)





It probably seems by now like I'm hating on the Next Generation, since three of my bottom five films involve that era. First off, I don't think I'm alone when I say the show overall is so significantly better than the Next Gen films overall (and consider how consistently unwatchable TNG's first season is). 

Second of all, 'Insurrection' really isn't a bad film, merely a forgettable one. To steal a common criticism of it, it's a long episode of the show instead of a feature length film... and a mediocre episode at that. 

There's a more lighthearted atmosphere comparativly (unfortunately putting Data and Worf in comic relief mode again... sigh) and sure there's action and a Moral Issue(TM) to debate, even the logic of that falls apart if you analyze it closer. Allow me to summarize in the most abrasive way I can.

Basically these space amish yuppies live on a planet with cosmic whateverthefuck rings that make them immortal and unaging, and while they were once advanced technologically they now go about this way of life without consequence (which explains why their clothes are always so fucking clean). The Federation, represented by Admiral Beardo, supported by some strechy faced aliens, want to relocate these people so that they can harvest the medical benefits of these whateverthefuck rings, potentially helping billions of lives.

There's an obvious allegory here, but that allegory within the story fails for two blatant reasons. First, these Baku (space amish) are all played by white Hollywood actors, at least the ones with any lines are. If you're trying to send the kind of political message I think you are, Star Trek, well maybe demonstrate that diversity you're claiming to champion with this shit here. Second, um.... it's a fucking planet. Planets are kinda big. You're telling me there isn't some middle ground where the locals can agree: "okay, this continent over here is completely uninhabited. Go there, leave us alone." Again, there are only like a thousand of them (it's why there's a holoship planning to secretly kidnap all of them away). Does the land mass of this world consist of one little island the size of East York? Even if it does, it's the 24th century here. They can definitely build some kind of floating colony in the middle of the ocean, problem solved! Ugh.

The best quality of this film is how light it feels, filled with moments like Picard grooving to a beat, Riker and Troi rekindling their romance, La Forge regaining his vision etc. Bit strange for a film primarily based upon forced relocation of a society... hmmmm. Anyway it's not awful, just dumb and misses its potential. The episode "Who Watches The Watchers" is considerably better, and explores similiar issues in half the time. 


#8 -- Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)


 
Also known as "Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture", or "Star Trek: The Motionless Picture".

I've read that there is a lot of mixed opinion about this film. Some think it's cerebral, others that it's boring. My personal opinion... I lean closer to the "boring" side. There are long periods of time where nothing at all is happening. Nothing. So much of this film are visual effects (which I admit still look quite mesmerizing 40 years later), and then people on the Enterprise bridge reacting to said effects... then back to more effects! You could probably fit this plot into a commercial.

That being said, there are some elements to like. Kirk (now an admiral) initially seems fallible and rusty, which always humanizes the character and adds dimensions (something Shatner obviously forgot when writing 'V'). Spock is colder than usual, but his presence and gradual changes fit nicely with his personal arc over the films. There isn't really a villain exactly, but the gigantic 'cloud' rampaging towards Earth and absorbing all in its path is effectively scary. Also I've always had a bit of a crush on the actress who played Ilia (she unfortunately passed away in the 90s). 

What brings this film down is how indulgent the effects are. The point is made fairly early how enormous this cloud entity is, but the bulk of the film has little else beyond the ship flying deeper inside this lightshow. The orginal series did something similar before, an excellent episode called "The Immunity Syndrome" where the ship travels deeper inside a giant space amoeba while barely able to stop its radiation from killing them all. That episode is tight... has tension, excitement... this movie doesn't carry that sense of urgency considering what's at stake. There's a balance to be had, sure, atmosphere is important. Problem is, this film is nothing but atmosphere. Fleeting moments make it decent, but otherwise it's a slog.


#7 -- Star Trek Beyond (2016)



I'm consistently surprised that of the reboot trilogy, this is the lowest rated on IMBD. I think sometimes it's my favourite of those. Regardless, it's way smarter than 'Into Darkness' by a mile, and it does something no Trek film had done successfully before: destroy the Enterprise in a dramatically meaningful way. 

What I like best about 'Beyond' is how it makes great use of the iconic crew, throwing each of them into separate yet important side plots while stuck on this planet. McCoy helping a seriously injured Spock, Scotty encountering and befriending the kickass local Jaylah, Uhura and Sulu captured and witnessing the villain's villainy firsthand, while Kirk and Chekov return to the crashed ship to discover the officer who betrayed them all. They each get a chance to shine and it's the best part of this film. 

The rest... brings the same Abrams eye candy as 'Into Darkness', just with a darker tone. There's a strong sense of how much trouble our heroes are in, and I like the shock of that when the Enterprise goes down within five minutes. 

'Beyond' doesn't completely hit all the marks: blasting "Sabotage" while escaping the killer drone ships felt a bit contrived, and I love that song. Likewise Idris Elba, a fabulous actor without question... doesn't get enough to really give his villain more dimensions. He's better than the brooding Nero, or Cumberbatch's directionless Khan, but there was a real chance to make something truly compelling. Instead he's just sort of a vengeful, murderous madman. Whatever.

All in all, I think this one is underrated. Nothing truly amazing, but enough character interaction and well done moments balances the obligatory action scenes. 'Into Darkness' was a lazily made Trek film, simply reusing elements without care of their deeper meanings. You can see the difference in 'Beyond', how these different writers and the director Justin Lin did the homework and created something more fitting of Star Trek, something genuinely and uniquely entertaining.



#6 -- Star Trek III: The Search For Spock (1984)




A missed chance. This could have been an incredible film: a journey across space, hunted by Starfleet for stealing the Enterprise... Klingons tracking them... all just to potentially save one man... what an epic. 

The result does work. Kirk and company stealing the ship out of the starbase is a genuinely awesome sequence (how can you have a yellow alert in space dock?) and you love to see the old crew onboard, tossing away their careers just to help save Spock (another thing that makes 'Final Frontier' so goddamn stupid).

This is a solid movie, but it doesn't deliver on the elements it presents. Destroying the original Enterprise, the senseless death of Kirk's son (who we met in Star Trek II)... none of it carries the baggage that it should. The death of Kirk's son carries way more in Star Trek VI than it does here. 'III' moves from everything as a point A to point B, not really giving any time to reflect upon itself or its implications. 

Christopher Lloyd is.... well it's Christopher Lloyd playing a Klingon captain. It's as delightful as it sounds. His plan doesn't really make a lot of sense (he wants Genesis... but, how? It blew up and created the Genesis planet. So..... good luck) but you get the sense he's more interested in how as a weapon it could be used against the Klingons, not simply possessing it for conquests sake. 

I do like it. Seeing Spock back to life, after all Kirk and his crew sacrifice, it feels like the journey was worth it, even if Spock isn't quite himself (seems like dying will do that to ya). The biggest problem is the pacing: what is happening doesn't feel as powerful as it should within the context, and it really could've been a lot more.


#5 -- Star Trek (2009)





This film hasn't aged as well considering the direction the franchise has taken since, as it now feels more like the beginning to a completely different universe rather than a revival of the original concept of Trek. 

On its own merit though, this film really took a chance. Taking an established decades old sci-fi universe, with a large fandom that love to obsess over continuity, and basically ripping all that away to create something new while still involving the old elements. Leonard Nimoy's presence portraying an old Spock, in an important role, was crucial making this work. It legitimized this timeline in the minds of the fans, a familiar presence now in this new reality and assisting the heroes. 

I've watched this a few times now and there are some parts that I could do without (Kirk's journey through Super Mario pipe land for one), but it does a good job establishing these different versions of iconic characters and allows each actor freedom to mimic them but not go full imitation. There's genuine emotion in the opening scene with Kirk's father, or with the destruction of Vulcan... you feel the sense of tragedy and lingering danger unfolding. 

This version of Kirk is a weak spot. I get he's supposed to be young but he often acts so hotheaded it's difficult to really see how this Dudebro Kirk becomes the measured leader you see in Shatner's version. Different timeline, sure, but it's hard to like this guy a lot of the time. Seeing as really only 'Beyond' portrays him with any growth or maturity... #NotMyKirk. 

I think this movie really did a good enough job blowing up expectations of what the continuity of Star Trek has to be, that you can overlook the hiccups of the premise (psst... supernovas don't work that way...). It's a bit too much gratuousous action, fast pace, lens flare, liberties with characters, but I like the confident ambition and they pulled it off to make a good film.



#4 -- Star Trek: First Contact (1996)





The only good Next Gen movie, but baby it is good. 

It makes the very title of 'Nemesis' completely absurd. If Picard has any nemesis, it's not some dollar store clone version of himself. They should've called that dumbass film "Star Trek: Clone War" (because no terrible movie ever uses 'Clone War' in its title). Come on, Picard's greatest adversary is the Borg. They captured him, transformed him into one of them and then used him to kill and enslave his allies. It doesn't get much more personal than that.

And the undercurrent of it flows through the film, growing slowly as the Borg keep winning, keep gradually taking over the Enterprise as Picard truly becomes unhinged and vengeful, slowly but surely, his true emotions getting the best of him. 'First Contact' is the only Next Gen movie that gives Picard that darker depth of humanity to him: in the other movies he just says "make it so" while very miscast as an action hero (sorry Patrick Stewart. Still love ya). 

The effects are great, and the Borg are so creepy and unrelenting that the good guys winning this one seems... futile. Data gets a chance to not do stupid stuff for a change, as do Riker, Troi and La Forge on the planet as they work towards the very important B-plot of... first contact. The role of Lily should be commended as well, since they introduce an interesting female character and without any romantic implications. Seems dumb to have to mention that, but we all know that's what usually happens. If Insurretion is a weak TNG double episode, First Contact is a top five double classic.

There are some logical hiccups of course, like if the Borg can time travel... wouldn't they just do it all the time and assimilate all of us forever? Seems kind of unstoppable. Also Picard just being able to walk alone into engineering to try rescuing Data near the end, when that's the Borg centre of operations and they've already taken over most of the ship. Maybe the Borg Queen wanted to gloat? Cocktease? I dunno. 

Also yeah, the Borg Queen. It depends how you look at it I suppose, but as has been said the Borg's greatest advantage is how a single leader can make mistakes. A group collective consciousness makes that less likely, so if the Queen is simply an avatar or spokesperson for the collective (something occasionally necessary, perhaps) then it makes sense. If she is the one making actual choices (ughhhhhh stupid Voyager) then it undermines the idea of what the Borg are supposed to be. It's debatable, but with the benefit of hindsight I think the Queen is a bad move. Sure there are more dramatic possibilities, and she is an interesting character with her cyborg-like seductiveness... but it weakens the Borg conceptually.

Nevertheless, this movie is pretty sweet. I've probably watched it more than any other Star Trek movie (it was on TV a lot in the early 2000s) and it always delivers. There's a great blend of action, character stuff within established characters (Picard's comment about having to save Data, when it was Data who saved him from the Borg when he was assimilated is just a great call back)... natural comedic moments and genuine fear at an unstoppable menace. First Contact is simply a sci-fi movie that finds a great balance of all these elements and provides an exciting ride.



#3 -- Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)





Probably the Star Trek film less similar to any other. It's a strange story, picking up from where 'III' left off: the Enterprise crew (flying around on a Klingon ship since the actual Enterprise... well blew up) are heading back to Earth for a court martial and general disgrace for stealing that blown up ship, until a huge probe randomly appears over Earth, sending bizarre signals and causing all sorts of environmental havoc. Spock determines the signals are similar to whale songs... so since whales are extinct in the 23rd century, lets go back in time and get some whales because why not we've always been able to do that! That's why we go back in time, all the time... 

The plot is... well it's pretty silly when you think about it. It's a transparent environmental message, which hell that's always a good thing when accessible, but as a movie this all works so well because it is really damn fun. Normally when the original Enterprise crew went back to contempory Earth, or a planet that resembled it (almost always a bad episode), there might be some hijinks or a lost in translation joke, then the mission. A serious chunk of this film is that same joke, yet they explore it in different avenues and directions, giving each classic character beyond Kirk and Spock a chance to have their own moment. 

It's like a really good, well crafted romantic comedy (Kirk has a love interest, wow didn't see that coming) but with the familiar sci-fi and established characters of Star Trek. For me, that makes it endlessly enjoyable. Call it fluff, and that's fair, but it's excellent fluff that barely wastes a single scene. It's not as heavy thematically as the previous two films (despite the whale probe in the future actually destroying Earth), and that's refreshing. Star Trek has done his well before ("Trouble With Tribbles") and the real tension is more like Back To The Future (trying to get back to their proper time) than any actual threat in 1986. 

Many people may not agree, but I love this film. It shows how sci-fi, and Star Trek, can tell a story more than just action and existential threats. Good writing, memorable moments and storytelling. Shatner and Nimoy are never better here, their scenes together are so great. 'Voyage Home' winks at you while you watch, but it keeps you watching. Can you imagine an established film franchise making a film like this in 2020? Didn't think so.


#2 -- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)




If this had been truly the last Trek film featuring any of the original cast... what a perfect sendoff (fuck you 'Generations').

What makes 'Undiscovered Country' so great is our own inherant presumed mistrust, tension, and fear of the unknown. It is within us all... how we live with, and react to it, is to a degree how aware we are of it.

The Klingons (after Captain Sulu witnesses their moon explode) seem ready for peace with the Federation. But it's not so simple. Kirk himself opposes it, speaking in a moment of anger "Let them die!", calling back to how they killed his son. It again shows that great humanity of Kirk, while he is a heroic figure, he must also recognize his flaws and overcome them. A natural prejudice from years of fighting that so many on both sides are even more opposed to peace, to the unknown it represents. War is easy. Peace is hard.

Spock also has some great moments in this film, particularly with young Vulcan officer Valeris whom he has taken under his wing. His line "logic is only the beginning of wisdom, not the end" beckons back to the first film where he had tried expelling all non-logical thought from his mind, showing he too has evolved over the course of the film arc. Valeris' betrayal, being part of the conspiracy, visably wounds the usually unshakeable Spock. A man who has shunned emotions... you can see the pain within as he realizes this the truth.

I really can't do this justice. This movie is so goddamn good: action, mystery, good villainy (Christopher Plummer chews the scenery in the best way imaginable) and the always important message of needing to think and evolve past our pre-conceived notions of who and what we are, and what we think other groups are, even if we aren't totally aware we feel that way. Just a wonderful film, showing what science fiction can do at its best and a perfect sendoff for the original cast.



#1 -- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan




A predictable choice? Oh yeah. Here's the thing though.

It's just so fucking good.

On the surface, it's an incredible science fiction tale filled with action, memorable scenes, quotable dialogue and genuine tension. Deeper down, it's richly loaded with themes of revenge, ambition, coping with age, the potential of technology simultaneously invented to create life... or in the wrong hands destroy it (the Genesis device)... plus the dramatic sense of loss for both hero and antagonist. 

What makes 'Into Darkness' so awful, in my opinion, was that they tried to recreate 'Wrath of Khan' while barely understanding what makes 'Wrath' such a classic film. 'Wrath' is full of action, yet the best moments of it aren't bombarding you with effects and explosions. It's the tension between the action scenes: the damage to the Enterprise and its crew is real, it affects the progression of the story instead of just being a plot point to check off. And that's what makes the slower nervous moments so effective: the suspense of not knowing when Khan is going to strike next, or if our heroes will survive. There's a quietness to the action, especially in the Nebula battle, like two damaged submarines trying to find and destroy each other.

The late Ricardo Montalban gives Khan so much dimension, even if he does twirl his moustache a fair bit. Cumberbatch's Khan could've been interesting, but instead he was written as an "insert villain here" and that's all. The original Khan, while obviously a dangerous menace that must be stopped, is worthy of audience sympathy. He trusted Kirk, but Kirk just forgot about him, leaving him on a suddenly barely habitable planet to watch his comrades and wife perish one by one. Yeah, I'd be pretty pissed too. 

'Wrath' also makes great use of multiple literary allusions. "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville (a legit great book, go read it now instead of this) is the obvious comparison with Khan in the Ahab role, his better judgement blinded by revenge. There are also touches of Milton's "Paradise Lost" as well, when Khan laments "I was a God", referring to his time as a tyrant on Earth during the Eugenics Wars. He adjusts himself into the role of Lucifer, a fallen angel cast out of heaven and now determined to regain previous glory.         

There's so much else that can be discussed when it comes to this film. Kirk is again at his best, heroic but fallible at first, and this journey throughout is delivered brilliantly by Shatner. Sure, he does yell "Khaaaaannnnn!" at that famous point, but he doesn't seem larger than life for most of the picture. In private moments he's subdued, self-questioning his own ambitions and their consequences. He's still a goddamn hero, but certainly not a flawless one, and I've always loved Trek best when it successfully explores those different layers within it's main characters.

Spock's death is hard for me to comment on, since it and the accompanying sequel that resurrected him, were both released several years before I was born. All I can say is that... it's a powerful scene and dramatically wonderful within this great story, and what it is saying. Khan may have been defeated, but at a heavy, invaluable cost.

Frankly, this movie is a masterpiece of science fiction. Great pacing, great action, character moments everywhere... the effects still look good almost fourty years later. If you haven't seen it, or any Star Trek film... well you definitely should start here. I've watched it probably over ten times and it never disappoints. It's truly Trek at its very, very best.
   



Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my take on the Star Trek film franchise. I'm a casual film guy so I might not be back reviewing another movie franchise anytime soon. 

Music, however.... hmmmmm. I've got little else to do...