Once again it's been far too long since one of these pizza reviews has graced the screens of the interwebs. It's been a busy time, with little of the "free" variety of such to venture out and sample some of the many new intriguing pizza pie options popping up throughout the city of Toronto.
So as a long overdue comeback of sorts, instead lets take a look at some of the pizza offered in Montreal!
That's right, despite the fact we haven't had time here at WC Street to check out anything local... last month I took a brief getaway in Montreal and spent much of it in the most relaxing way imaginable... walking dozens of kilometres a day to try food places I'd read about. Yes. I am weird.
Anyhow! A few of those MTL food spots I tried were indeed pizzas (shocker) and so lets now take a brief look at each of them.
Pizza Bouquet
45 Rue Beaubien E
Tucked on the corner of a side street in Montreal's Little Italy, Pizza Bouquet gives off the vibes of a tiny, greasy little old-school pizzeria that would be overwhelmed well into the morning hours by drunken vistors from any nearby mega-pubs (think Papa Ceo/Cora in the Annex). Of course, Montreal is a city wired somewhat differently... and so Pizza Bouquet closes at 9:30pm(!), even on weekends. I imagine the staff are very grateful for that.
As you can see Pizza Bouquet offers slices (bless them) and I went for a standard pepperoni with these hot banana peppers you can also see. My first impression was that this is a very droopy slice: it's a thin foundation and the weight of all the toppings and cheese made it initially flimsy to eat, even when folding it over. Despite that, this is still a slice with some nice crispness on the edges and the crust is quite tasty in addition to that... just very well rounded texturally (totally a word).
Flavour-wise, you get a nice balance of sweet and spicy, which fits a salty cured meat like a birthday suit. The sauce reminded me of a lasagna: there was something very enjoyably hearty about it and the cheese likewise seemed melted to the point of mostly merging with that plentiful sauce. Oftentimes I find that problematic, since cheaper cheeses lack flavour and paired with a bad sauce... you get something aggressively bland... but here there was a good balance where the cheese was still a presence taste-like and the sauce (as mentioned above) stood out to me anyhow.
I liked this pizza quite a lot. Good crisp texture, great flavour balance, and quite filling for a single slice. Comparing it to my Toronto grading system, Bouquet probably lands in the "B" to "B+" range... meaning it's definitely worth popping in to try should you be walking down Rue Beaubien and feeling snackish. Looks can be very deceiving in this case.
SEGRETA (Pizza Al Taglio + Epicerie Italienne)
413 Beaumont Avenue
SEGRETA is very much like the Montreal version of Toronto's Mattachioni (at least the Dupont location... haven't been to the east end one yet): essentially a shelf shoppe specializing in Italian foods that also doubles as a restaurant. While Mattachioni has tables for actual sit down dining, SEGRETA is more like a cafe with limited seating by the window... with the hot food available to be ordered at the counter. Another major difference is that SEGRETA serves Roman style slices: which are baked in a wood-burning oven but in rectangular trays (resulting in the shape you see above).
I walked into SEGRETA about an hour after trying Bouquet, having spent that hour walking through a chilly day (again, I'm weird). This is a very small space and so the counter where all the slices are dominates the room, and you face it immediately upon entering. There wasn't a menu describing the slices they were offering (at least that I could see, and even if there was I probably wouldn't be able to understand the French well) and their selection was extensive: at least eight different combinations and both white and red type pies were well represented.
A friend of mine will likely shake her head in severe disappointment at me upon learning I didn't choose the white mushroom slice (which also had a drizzle of a tasty garlic looking aioli) and went for the one you see above. If you've read my (many) pizza reviews before, you know I like to go off the traditional book and fully embrace the creativity of a place over a typical cheese/pepperoni offering.
Thing is, I probably went too far off the book with this one. Blame the absurd amount of walking or the dim lighting inside SEGRETA on what was an aggressively overcast Montreal day... but in the moment I thought I was ordering a white pizza version of a Hawaiian (the yellow bits being pineapple... which again seems absurd now that I've looked at this picture multiple times).
I took a bite and, confused by the starch I was tasting... then assumed this was a pizza slice with some kind of noodles on it. Pasta noodles on a pizza slice is actually something you'll see in New York slice joints fairly often, but on this occasion I was disappointed since that wasn't what I was in the mood for. Then after another bite... I realized these were actually potatoes and I deservedly felt like an absolute fool. Not only did it take a "third time's the charm" approach to even realize what I was eating, but that I couldn't recognize freaking potatoes... both my Irish and Ukrainian ancestors would be so ashamed...
So here I was with a potato and sausage slice of pizza. How was it? Well, that combination certainly doesn't sound exciting and there's only so much you can do with that profile... and to me SEGRETA has completely raised that bar. This pizza was simply fantastic: the potatoes hit that sweet spot of light, buttery and fluffy with enough solid texture to very much be presence in the mouth. Speaking of texture, the bread foundation was likewise extremely on point... providing a wheaty crunchy bottom but also easily chewed through (as any good and freshly baked bread should be). The cheese and sausage were more of a supporting element... and well you can definitely do worse conceptionally.
Certainly one of the more unusual pizza slices I've eaten, but it was akin to a hearty home-cooked dinner and the high quality and subtle flavour was without dispute. Exceptional stuff, and I will definitely visit again next time I'm wandering those street (just for a more traditional slice offering next time, heh)... easily a strong "B++" if we're comparing this to Toronto pies.
Adamo Pizza
4629 Notre-Dame Street West
Adamo is another slice joint but in the "somewhat off the beaten path" neighbourhood of St. Henri in the southern-west portion of Montreal. If anybody remembers the now long departed (and briefly existing) Yeah Yeahs pizza near the Summerhill subway station here in Toronto, Adamo gives off a similar vibe in terms of atmosphere. Wherein Yeah Yeahs had a Super Nintendo for customers to play (and why don't more places do this?), Adamo has a fuzball table and similar decorations to both invite folks to hang around a bit longer in homey comfort and provide something for the kids to play around with.
As for the pie though... bit of a disappointment. This isn't the nicest looking photo of a pizza you'll see (the sun legit shone for maybe ten minutes in Montreal the four days I was there) and the texture of this when eating it? Somewhat stiff and gummy at times. The flavour is fairly predictable: cheese, sauce and pepperoni is a classic for a reason and don't get me wrong this does it successfully... but the taste just didn't leave much of a unique impression upon me. Well, aside from the tomato sauce... which was actually rather vivid, garlicy, seasoned and distinctive. It actually elevates what would've been a sad generic pizza into something in the low "B--" or "C++" range.
There really isn't a whole lot else to say about Adamo. If you're in the area and peckish? Sure. But not a "must visit" destination if cruising the Montreal pizza scene (despite the cool vibes and fuzball inside).
Pizzeria No. 900 (Laurier location)
1481 Laurier Avenue East
It's almost unfair for me to even review or comment on this one: at this point of my trip (and this particular day especially) I'd been walking for several hours, wasn't particularly hungry after nibbling on a Portuguese chicken poutine (and sipping beers along my long journey) and really only ordered this pizza you see above because my friend I was staying with asked me to pick up dinner for her and her sweet little toddler. With all the peppers and other sharp flavour notes on this pie... this perhaps was not the best choice for a toddler...
Pizzeria No. 900... so with all those caveats what can I actually say? Well... it is indeed quite good! No. 900 is in fact a sit-down dining restaurant chain with at least half a dozen locations throughout Montreal, which immediately brought the comparison to Pizzeria Libretto to my mind... and both places do very much tow that fine line of casual restaurant with extensive wine lists, high-end service (although at 900 I just got takeout) and just the general vibe of classy-meets-accessible.
As a pizza... I'd probably still lean Libretto (not that I'm biased... and I definitely didn't work there for two years... nope) as their overall quality is just a tiny notch above (the crust and sauce in particular)... but No. 900 is surely in that ballpark. This was a considerably enjoyable pie: that pesto spread really added a nice dimension to the salty sausage, sweet sting of the peppers and the foldable softness of the rest of the pie. Probably a pizza that's best enjoyed sitting down with friends over a glass of wine, and not walking for seven hours with a giant poutine in your bag and multiple Quebec wheat beers in your belly. I'll have to try them again... but I think my impression of a solid "B" maybe "B+" likely will hold true.
Anyhow! Those are a bunch of Montreal pizzas I tried about a month ago. I'm sure I missed a bunch of places that are legendary, and so I would love to hear any recommendations for the next time I go (which hopefully won't be another five years like last time). In the meantime, stay tuned for some Toronto pizza/food reviews in the near future.
Whether you love them or not, you have to admit that is one of the most excellent names for a rock band imaginable.
It's impossible to write about the backstory of QOTSA without beginning in the late 80s/early 90s music scene of Palm Desert, California (a place I actually know rather well). In 1987 (great year) a band was formed by schoolmates John Garcia, Brant Bjork, Nick Oliveri and Joshua Homme. Initially called Katzenjammer, which is German for "hangover" (how fitting), they soon changed it to Sons of Kyuss (and eventually just 'Kyuss').
To be fair, an entire piece could be written here just about Kyuss... an incredibly influential group in the circles of metal and "stoner rock" (a term each member still strongly hates) despite enjoying little commercial success. Just their legendary "generator parties" could fill several pages, where they'd play concerts in the middle of the desert and plug their equipment into generators ("good for evading the cops but not the local meth gangbangers", according to Garcia).
After four full length albums (two of which are truly incredible) Kyuss disintegrated in 1995 for a variety of reasons. Homme, who'd been exclusively a guitarist in the group, was looking for his next move. He was still incredibly young (22) for somebody who'd just spent seven years in a notable band, and quickly caught on as a touring rhythm guitarist for Mark Lanegan's (more on him later) Screaming Trees. Homme in the meantime worked on writing his own songs and jamming with other musicians he knew in the Palm Desert scene, leading in 1997 to the creation of the Desert Sessions (yet another project involving Homme that potentially deserves its own piece... dude likes to play). The Desert Sessions are particularly important as not just a bed for the conception of many of QOTSA's most famous tunes, but really as the origin of something so key to both the Queens and Josh Homme's usual overall musical approach: collaboration.
In late 1997, there was some leftover Kyuss material kicking around and so Homme, along with Chris Goss (who'd produced Kyuss' last few records) released an EP split with these Kyuss songs (one a cover of Black Sabbath's "Into The Void") and Homme's new material. Homme wanted to call his new project "Gamma Ray" but facing potential legal problems from a German band of the same name, went with "Queens of the Stone Age" instead, as that was supposedly a nickname Goss had for Kyuss when they were still together.
Josh Homme himself is an unusual character (both for better and worse) and an unusual guitar player. Very much a rock renaissance man, who approaches his craft with a spiritual seriousness. He began playing guitar at age nine but took guitar lessons from a polka teacher, leaving him unaware of many standard rock chords or even a guitar pick until already a year into the lessons. Many folks (strawmen if you will) are quick to dismiss heavy sounding rock music as just loud, basic noise... but describing Homme's particular playing as that, even on the heaviest of QOTSA/Kyuss songs, is a grand disservice to the man's talent. He has an exceptional ear for what makes a melody work, is incredibly creative at inventing hooks that probably shouldn't work but do, and his guitar style is both unmistakably distinctive and endlessly versatile. He's one of those guys you can't decide is better as a rhythm player or when soloing, and it probably doesn't matter since he'll often bleed the distinction of those together regardless.
Yes yes, Queens of the Stone Age are of course a band and not just Josh Homme, and there have been some pretty remarkable names who have rolled through QOTSA over the hills and through the years (see what I did there). The Queens are unmistakably Homme's band, though. He's the leader, he decides overall where they go... and this has mostly been the case since the debut album. Which is not to say the man is closed off to ideas... his love of collaborating with pretty much anybody who breathes music suggesting very much the opposite. Strangely enough, this current iteration of QOTSA is actually by far the longest any one lineup has held together in the band's history, and once you gloss over drummer Joey Castillo switching out for the truly awesome Jon Theodore in 2013... this current lineup is approaching a decade and a half together. Wild when you consider the revolving door of members coming in for a song or two on the earlier records.
Speaking of those very records, it's time to take a looksy at them. Lets dive into these masters of the lost art of keeping a secret.
#7. Villains (2017)
***
The album universally considered QOTSA's weakest is also their most recent, though "recent" is hardly applicable considering it was released over half a decade ago. Their sporadic output since 2007 is fairly indicative of the band's success: Homme is financially secure enough that instead of having to tour and grind with his most famous group, he can go off and do whatever he likes. Whether that be forming a rock supergroup (seriously, them Vultures have to make one more album soon... JPJ is getting old damnit), revisiting the Desert Sessions, producing/appearing on songs for other artists (Arctic Monkeys most notably), or just drinking enough tequila to kill a stable of horses.
Villains reflects these many musical directions Homme has wandered down, most notably his Dean Martin inspired (no, seriously) "The Way You Used To Do". Onboard to guide this eclectic affair is producer Mark Ronson, most notable for being behind that Top 40 hit you hear a few years later and say "oh.... THAT song". Thankfully, Ronson doesn't encroach too much on the heavier, guitar driven instincts of QOTSA... instead adding a layer of sheen to the songs. This sometimes works but plenty other times make these tunes quite forgettable and same-sounding... and I frankly like "The Way You Used To Do" quite a lot despite it completely not sounding anything like a Queens of the Stone Age song.
The album just lacks punch and grittiness. I like the prog-rock influenced "Un-Reborn Again" with its keyboard moodiness, while the very Led Zeppelin inspired "The Evil Has Landed" completely steals the record... the only moment the band sounds like they're breaking through the layer of polish and unleashing glorious nastiness again. I saw the Queens during this tour (they're an incredible live band, even if its a night Josh looks like he's having trouble standing) and the Villains songs are indeed far better live... but still the highlights of that show were not connected to this record.
It's not great, but is a solid rock album... especially for the late 2010s when nobody wants to sound like this anymore. Sadly this is better on the surface than anything else. It's also weirdly the only Queens record not to feature any guest performances, which is what it is but kind of takes some of the fun away. These guys have done way better.
#6. Era Vulgaris (2007)
***1/2
I bought this the actual day it freaking came out... at the long, long gone Sunshine Records near Bloor and Yonge here in Toronto. The cute girl behind the counter suggested I also check out The White Stripes Icky Thump, which had also just been released. Icky Thump turns out is the superior record, but Era Vulgaris will always occupy a certain place in my heart, rent free.
This is where the modern QOTSA lineup begins to settle in... that being Homme singing and on guitar of course, Troy van Leeuwen on... stuff(?), Dean Fertita on keyboards and other... stuff (for real, figuring out who does what beyond Homme and the drummer on a Queens record is usually a serious blur), Mike Schuman on bass guitar (this was his first album onboard) and Joey Castillo on drums. Vulgaris as a result plays like QOTSA's tightest record to that date, with many of the songs sounding like the turning gears in an oiled rock machine instead of the earlier haze of sound. It's extremely clean and direct, compared to the intentional haze of the Queens previous records.
As an album front to back though, it is wildly inconsistent. The second half is much weaker than the first, but some of these are just killer songs. "Turnin' On The Screw" might be my favourite opening track on a QOTSA record ("might" be... the obvious one probably still tops the list), that simple beat while the guitar just grinds the riff into you. "I'm Designer" showcases Homme's rather underrated lyrical ability with its not so-subtle humourous jabs, "Sick Sick Sick" just pounds that dirty lick into your mind (and features Julian Casablancas singing like he's trying to escape), "3's and 7's" belongs in a Tarantino film and then "Misfit Love"... I can't resist a buildup like that and then the complete change of feel at the end. I mean, come on.
A decade and a half later (geez, really? Ugh) Vulgaris is probably best known for its ballad: "Wanna Make It Wit Chu". It's a great sweet song, and one that Homme had been kicking around for several years since one of the early Desert Sessions. Those early versions are neat as a cute curiosity, but this is surely where the song hits its full completed power.
#5. Lullabies To Paralyse (2005)
****
With one exception, I find the better QOTSA albums have the worse album artwork. Era Vulgaris is a wonderful cover and Villains is effectively creepy (not to mention the only time Homme's likeness appears on anything he's ever done... and even then it's just as a drawing by Boneface.)
For the longest time this was my favourite Queens album... my stubborn reasoning that it was the very one that got me so much into them (right around when it came out). I've clearly become more objective over the years (how fun) and Lullabies has slid down the list. It's a fantastic album but the run of extended songs in the middle make it feel like by far the longest album by length in their canon (it's actually 2nd, miraculously coming in just under an hour. Never would've guessed it was that short).
This is the album where QOTSA really becomes Josh Homme's band, or (rather more accurately) that the world was made aware of this fact. Bassist Nick Oliveri had alternated lead vocals with Homme on the previous two records and the two had both played in Kyuss together, but Oliveri's behavior on tour (whatever it may have been, most of the rumors sound not great) led to Homme firing him. Because of the Kyuss connection and that they shared vocals almost equally, many fans at the time considered this some kind of power trip on Homme's part and once the next album, this one, came out, with the band now completely different from the last record... some were eager to dismiss this as some kind of sell-out product (an assertion well fueled by the two successful pop singles on here).
All of this is ridiculous, of course. Early QOTSA needs its own book of footnotes to keep track of the many musicians playing where and what, and nobody could seriously have expected Dave freaking Grohl to commit full-time to the Queens when the Foo Fighters were also, you know... kind of a big goddamn deal. Frankly, I find Lullabies quite the opposite of being a "commercial sell out" record: if anything this damn thing is so long and eerie sounding, like wandering through some haunted woods knowing something is going to grab you from behind. It's unsettling!
But amazing, in most moments. Even the "sell out" song, the out of place hit "In My Head", is a really damn good power-pop song. Meanwhile, you've got the horror romance of "The Blood is Love", the spooky "Burn The Witch" featuring Billy F(ucking) Gibbons (the band covers "Precious and Grace" with Gibbons singing as a bonus track in deluxe releases), an early killer back to back punch in "Everybody Knows Your Insane" leading into "Tangled Up In Plaid" (still a live favourite), and of course "Little Sister"... a huge hit that the band seems a bit sick of having to play all the time at this point (every band has at least one).
Lullabies to Paralyse is sort of the bridge between the early era of QOTSA and the modern one, featuring many of the old cast members (Mark Lanegan, Chris Goss, Dave Catching) with the new (Van Leeuwen, Castillo)... and yet it sounds very little like either of those eras. Very much a uniquely haired child in the catalogue, and underappreciated as a result.
#4. ...Like Clockwork (2013)
****1/2
Yeah.. I have a personal story with any QOTSA album on this list, and ...Like Clockwork is no exception. I remember buying it (on CD!) when it came out in 2013, putting it on for the first time late at night on headphones (with some herbs to... enhance the experience) and my first impression was... kinda not liking this. In retrospect, I didn't get it. Many of these initial complaints were problems I'd likewise later have with Villains (except for the latter those never went away): this all sounds like its trying too hard and there's nothing beneath it. Turns out there was plenty.
Sometime in the early 2010s Josh Homme needed routine surgery to repair something in his knee. For whatever reason the surgery went very nearly as badly as a surgery can go: he developed a severe infection and was medically dead for a moment. At least... that's probably what happened. Regardless, for months he was stuck in a hospital bed to recover, allowed few visitors and fell into a depression he describes as being "lost in the dark". Once back on his feet, he brought the band back together to tour the debut Queens album, but found the experience wasn't helping recapture the passion and joy for music he had before.
Homme considered quitting all of it, but instead decided to look into the darkness he was avoiding. The result was ...Like Clockwork, an album not easy to make for anybody involved considering Homme's state of mind. Longtime drummer Joey Castillo departed halfway through due to the difficulty. This brought back old friend Dave Grohl to fill in on the recordings but not to tour with the band, as well as former Mars Volta drummer Jon Theodore to play on the closing title track (Theodore has since become the band's full-time man behind the kit, and he's a damn good one).
Despite the strained recording sessions, Clockwork features the usual army of guest contributions you find on any QOTSA album that isn't Villains. The late great Mark Lanegan makes his final appearance on a Queens record, his distinctive whiskey-soaked croon singing backing vocals on the Stonesy funk of "If I Had A Tail", one of the few moments the album really grooves. Also onboard various tracks to help out are Alex Turner of Arctic Monkeys (Homme had helped produce their third album, Humbug), Trent Reznor, Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters, Nick Oliveri's return on a QOTSA record (singing backing vocals on a track), and a little known artist named Elton John. Yes, that Elton John. It seems Sir Elton called up the band himself, musing that they "needed an actual queen on the record", and so he sings backup on "Fairweather Friends".
...Like Clockwork does have its moments of fun, like the slow and slick "Smooth Sailing" or the heaviness of "My God Is The Sun"... but for the majority this is an incredibly introspective record. It finds Homme searching outward and inward as he still comes to grips with what has happened, whether it be the people around him ("I Sat By The Ocean") or coming face to face with death itself ("The Vampyre of Time and Memory" or "I Appear Missing"). The latter is the emotional peak and climax of the record and is simply mesmerizing... Homme dangling on a wire above the darkest abyss and baring his soul for all to hear before its too late... while it rocks pretty damn hard too.
While ...Like Clockwork retains that unmistakable Queens swagger and style, much of the usual sexiness is stripped away for naked feeling and emotion. This isn't as fun as many of their other albums... this is like a long look in the mirror after a questionable week. It's a very dark record in sound and substance, and as such is probably their least accessible work. It certainly took me a while to warm up to it. This is still a fabulous album with some incredibly powerful moments, but a tough one to revisit frequently.
#3. Queens of the Stone Age (1998)
****1/2
The LP that started it all, and was released to such little notice at the time that it was out of print for a while (Homme has since remastered and re-released it multiple times so it isn't exactly a rarity anymore).
This debut album finds Homme between what Kyuss was and what early QOTSA would eventually become... like an intersection where past and future greet each other. The bone rattling desert riffage of Kyuss is unmistakable here (some of these riffs are so low you'd think Josh grabbed them from the bottom of the ocean), as is Homme's evolving gift for agreeable melody and hooks. It also finds the former lead guitarist on vocals for the first ever time (he hadn't sung a single track for Kyuss) and while he does a pretty impressive job considering, you can tell he's still finding his voice at certain moments.
Most of the record is just Josh Homme and (one of) Kyuss' former drummers Alfredo Hernandez, with Hernandez on drums and Homme playing pretty much everything else (this is the birth of his bass playing alter ego, Carlo von Sextron, which just an awesome monikeer).This is a great record for bassists by the way, with those addictive low licks that swagger their way into your mind.
Queens of the Stone Age is very much a "nothing held back" hard rock album, going from one heavy guitar riff to the next without apology. As such, the biggest weakness is that lack of variety, since some of the lesser tracks tend to blend together (I still get a few of the names mixed up). Even if stuck in that one particular lane, however, this record does a hell of a lot with it. There is some distinctive songcraft going on here, whether it be the hypnotic opener "Regular John", the brooding obsession tale of "You Can't Quit Me Baby", the lightning fast romps of "Give The Mule What He Wants" and "How To Handle A Rope", or the downright gritty "Mexicola", where you can almost smell the gasoline in the hot desert air while listening.
The two standouts for me however are the closer "I Was A Teenage Hand Model" (QOTSA just have some wicked song titles, eh) and "If Only" with its semi-borrowed Stooges lick. "Hand Model" sounds like nothing else here, a slowed down piece driven by a dissonant electric piano and Homme softly singing about... who the hell knows. I agree though the final minute of the song where all you hear is the grating sound of a whirring tape machine... very obnoxious! (although if you stick through it, you eventually get the recorded phone message of Nick Oliveri agreeing to join the band, which is rather neat).
All in all, with the debut QOTSA album I find people who are also big Kyuss fans appreciate this one significantly more than myself (I like Kyuss a lot but not nearly as much as the Queens). There's plenty of great heavy guitar on this record and very underrated melody... while the overall feel of it bleeds together this is far from the same song played over and over. It's one hell of a debut, but this band (once additional personnel joined) was about to take even bigger steps.
#2. Songs For The Deaf (2002)
*****
Hey, it's my list. If I wanna put one of the greatest rock concept albums ever made in second place... well I'm probably wrong but whatever!
Deaf is rightfully regarded as QOTSA's masterpiece, and probably the greatest hard rock album of the past twenty years. The "concept" of the album is straightforward: it takes the listener on a drive through the southern California desert (the destination probably Joshua Tree) with various fake radio stations coming in between songs as a framing device for the journey (most of the "DJs" are musician friends of the band).
Even without those interjections (and they are incredibly funny, such as Jesse Hughes of Eagles of Death Metal doing a preacher bit), this would still be a phenomenal record because most of the songs are just killers. It gave QOTSA two big hits in "No One Knows" and "Go With The Flow", which are terrific but definitely about as poppy as this record gets. No, much of this album scorches and blisters: the sheer power and muscle of songs like "The Sky Is Falling", the title track, "Songs For The Dead" (still a live highlight), Mark Lanegan's "Hangin' Tree" or the opening wakeup punch of "Millionaire" (a leftover of Mario Lalli from an early Desert Session). And yet still none of these wicked songs hit quite the way "God Is In The Radio" does, with it's trance-like melody and Lanegan warning/prophesying about a deity he's convinced is in the transistor.
Speaking of the vocals, Songs For The Deaf employs a three-headed singer approach that really works considering how different each of the three leads are. Josh Homme brings his usual smoothness and is a nice contrast to Nick Oliveri's fondness for screaming at the top of his lungs... meanwhile Mark Lanegan was just such a goddamn legend, switching from mellow croon to hard rock soulman so naturally you forget its the same guy.
So why is this masterpiece in second place? Well... like any long car trip, there are some points where the journey lags a bit. It's taken me over a decade to warm up to/not skip Oliveri's "Gonna Leave You", and his "Another Love Song" is probably the record's most uninspired track (for the record I quite like "Six Shooter", he sounds legitimately terrifying on it). It's a record that, because of the grand scope and idea of it, plays a lot longer than it actually is... I was shocked to find the runtime is less than an hour and that's including the hidden closing track "Mosquito Song" (another winner, I've heard rumours of concerts where Homme comes out alone and plays it as a second encore once almost everyone has left).
Anyhow, it's freaking Songs For The Deaf. A landmark album that belongs in the collection of any fan of hard rock.
#1. Rated R (2000)
*****
....and my friends all rolled their eyes thusly, suspecting I couldn't resist putting R in the top slot.
Where Queens of the Stone Age was a culmination of Josh Homme's solo material he'd had kicking around since the end of Kyuss, the second album Rated R is when QOTSA truly becomes a cohesive presence. The lineup (as it constantly would be, it turns out) is extremely fluid, sure, but this is where we first get bassist Nick Oliveri's distinctive scream and Mark Lanegan's unmistakable presence.
Much of your opinion of R may likely hinge on your opinion of the opening track, "Feel Good Hit of The Summer", wherein Homme simply names off multiple drugs over a very repetitive 'A' note (it does go to 'C' though!). Myself, I've always quite liked it... the catchy simplicity of it becomes rather irresistible... plus that's indeed Rob Halford of Judas Priest singing harmony in the final chorus (he was in a neighbouring studio).
What really sets Songs For The Deaf and R apart from other QOTSA albums are their melodic variety. Sure, every album after the debut hasn't been wary of experimenting or changing the style... but often times these less successful forays into different styles often come across as trying something for just the sake of it (it's mostly Villains and Era Vulgaris that are guilty of this). I love R so much because none of these songs (save Oliveri's two screamo numbers) sound at all like each other, and yet they're all excellent, flow together naturally and are unmistakably Queens.
"The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret" is just great late 90s alternative rock, showcasing Homme's underrated pop skill... Oliveri's "Auto Pilot" finds the gruff bassist toning himself down for a soaring kinda-ballad (it's more likely about being drunk on a plane, but whatever it rules)... "Better Living Through Chemistry" harkens back to the first album (except done with deeper intention) and gets the band into familiar trippy metal territory... "Monsters In The Parasol" is an acid trip gone wrong and then Lanegan's "In The Fade" steals the show... spooky, soul-searching, cinematic, intense... one of QOTSA's very best songs and mind-blowing when live, even now with Lanegan long gone and Homme's higher vocal pitch singing it.
The closing "I Think I Lost My Headache" deserves mention as well, not only because it's great (assuming you stop the record three minutes early before the grating horns kick in, a deliberate move to wake up listeners who may have fallen asleep)... but that it utilizes an unusual 15/8 time signature. Dave Catching's wonderful acoustic guitar instrumental "Lightning Song" is another quick track that just adds so much flavour to this record as well. That's really why I have R here in the top spot: there's a buffet of atmosphere and melody and unlike Songs for the Deaf, I dearly love every song on here. Yes, even "Quick and To The Pointless". It's QOTSA at the pinnacle of their creative powers... they've reached this impressive height many times since on pretty much every record, but never this consistently or tightly through an entire play.
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Since Villains in 2017, the Queens have been pretty quiet. Despite that close call with death, Josh Homme still has a knack for getting himself into trouble (which is even more of a problem when you're 6'5 and notoriously drink tequila to the point where people who tour with you hide so not to drink any more).
Homme, mired for a while in some serious and weird family troubles, has been mostly busy producing other people's songs, like the latest Royal Blood album, while other QOTSA members like Mikey Schuman and Dean Fertita are prominent members of other groups. The Queens are playing a few shows in Europe this upcoming summer, which lends some hope that new music might be on the horizon soon. Even if their last album was overall underwhelming, they're still an excellent band, incredible to see live, and nobody really sounds anything like them. Here's hoping.
I've been meaning to tackle this particular project for a while. As a fan of science
fiction (I even studied it in university fercryin'outloud)... how could I not addressthisfranchise at some point?
Star Wars is surely the most commercially successful 'Science Fiction' property ever created. Even people who have never seen any of the films and don't give two Tattooines about any of it... still know what Star Wars is and can most likely identify the iconic characters.
The appeal of Star Wars, in my mind, comes down to its relatable simplicity flirting with a sense of magical, otherworldly adventure. This is a classic storytelling formula: the "big evil oppressive force" against "grassroots
resistance", and the hero/viewpoint character being someone not even initially involved in the conflict or action. Our lead character is destined as a "chosen one" and so grows along with the adventure. Harry Potter and The Matrix have almost as little in common as you can possibly imagine, yet both follow this type of narrative progression. A New Hope is likewise just this fairy tale told with spaceships and laser swords... and yet so many of the characters, imagery, dialogue and scenes in that film (and its immediate sequels) are
so culturally iconic and endlessly quotable. Why? It's the connection with the audience, the groundedness while being taken away on a grand adventure that sells it...
...when it works. Because there is an awful lot of awful Star Wars that has been unleashed upon that same audience.
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Full
disclosure: I like but don't love Star Wars. Hey, I'm a big Star Trek guy... and their recent severe awfulness is far more painful to me than any "meh" Star Wars product ever can be. As such, I'm not really the type to nerd out about this specific universe. Revisiting an old planet from the Prequel Trilogy, seeing a particular spaceship design or meeting a character referenced once on a TV show... it's going to bounce off me without even a blink. Over any kind of deep lore, I'm more interested in the storylines, the acting or just how these films visually dazzle.
Anyways, lets jump into this. Quick disclaimer: this review will be divided in (likely four) parts, and will only be the films belonging to the three trilogies. I'm not including Rogue One or Solo (I haven't seen either and you'd have to pay me actual money to review Solo).
There is surely a bundle of retro-continuity I'll also be missing with my ignorance of the Mandalorian show or the Andor one... sigh. Look... I'm sure they're probably both good shows but coming back to my comment about the lore: I just don't care. I'm just not a big enough fan of Star Wars to get into that stuff... consider me a detached critical outsider, and as such an objectively fair one.
I will get more into the details and history of Star Wars as we go through the films. We're starting bad, of course, so bring the noseclips. Oh, and there will be spoilers for all films (I mean, duh)... just in case you haven't seen any of these and yet are reading this article for some reason. Hey, you do you I just appreciate you checking out my work.
May the force be with us.
#0. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
That ranking is not a typo.
Okay
okay okay, one can argue an unfairness to include this one. It's a struggle to regard it as canon within the franchise... or just as a film... or even just as a barely comprehensible work that (somehow) exists.
Cards on the table, half the
reason I'm even doing this big Star Wars review is so I can talk about the Holiday Special...
because boy, there just isn't anything like it. This goes far beyond the galaxy of "so bad
it's good" since there's nothing close to redeemable about it. No, it belongs
isolated within its own 'universe of terrible'. Such things of this measure require unique definition.
The obvious target for arrows is the cynical half-hearted cash grab it clearly was, especially considering the time and place. How
involved George Lucas was in the production of the special is notoriously
debatable, as he sure has tried to distance himself from the whole
affair since this monstrosity aired (hilariously spoofed by Red Letter Media's Rich Evans in costume as Lucas at a convention
buying copies of the special just to destroy them). By most accounts, it
was Lucas' idea to have the story revolve around Chewbacca's Wookie
family and to have them interact without subtitles. While that amazingly isn't the worst thing going on here... was still a really, really, really bad idea. GRRRRGHNNNN!!! (that's Wookie for: this special is fucking horrible).
From a distance, the datedness of the whole affair stands out the most. Variety television shows
were still common in the late 1970s and so a televised spectacle of dancers, acrobatics,
singers, musical acts and comedy skits all blended together in a single run-time didn't seem
as comically haphazard or insane as it would now. If anything, The Holiday Special has so many other problems that this misplaced format might be the only charming thing about it... at least until you actually watch those segments.
Dissecting this from an objective critical lens will lead to madness... a critical failure in reason that even Plato could not resuscitate. Fortunately, I possess skills (masochism apparently) uniquely akin for this level of intolerable jibberish. As such, I will just propose as many problems with this nightmare that come to mind before all the last bits of joy and sense escape my mind for better sledding. Here goes:
Problem #1: It tries to be both a variety show and an exciting Star Wars tale (failing at both)
I'm
not sure if you could call it overly ambitious or just pure cluelessness... but the way this was filmed and produced just doesn't fit. The variety show bits strangle the
story (such as it is) to a complete halt, eliminating any attempts at tension or
excitement. Or audience awakeness. The "story" itself is probably supposed to be silly? But even just as written, this isn't silly in a cute or fun way.... it's silly in a "random clown blocking the entrance to a train you really have to catch" way, and the dope keeps bouncing on a balloon giggling while dozens of people scream in frustrated confusion.
The variety show stuff? Even how dated it is... just wow. This would've really impressed people in the 1920s if Technicolor had stolen a very crummy time machine. It's baffling this was even aired...
Problem #2: It's BORING
There
are just so many long stretches in this thing where all you're watching are furry characters shuffle around a house, meow and growl at each other
(remember you have no f*ing clue what they're saying), turn on video
screens and slowly open gifts. To quote MST3K and Rifftrax legend Bill Corbett: "It's uh, an
interesting idea to watch a farm animal open a present. Not sure I'd
build a show around it".
Problem #3:The opening credits
Man, the special even begins like a weird mess. For whatever reason, it starts with
images introducing the characters as the actors who portray them.
"Harrison Ford as Han Solo!" etc. Okay, it's a variety show, it's
supposed to be a spectacle and perhaps a bit of fun, like Groucho Marx donning the greasepaint and cigar one final time to whip off killer one-liners on the Ed Sullivan show or something (that probably never happened, but you see what I'm getting at).
But, then the credits introduce Chewbacca's family with the captions: "His wife, Malla! His father, Lumpy!" Huh....? In your credits... why are you switching from announcing real people portraying their iconic roles... into purely fictional characters nobody watching this has ever heard of... somehow playing themselves??? What does this mean? To flip it, this would be like if in one of the Muppet films the credits read: "Kermit The Frog!" "His wife Miss Piggy!" and "Miss Piggy's puppeteer, Lance Johnson!", then showing Lance in a plaid shirt grinning goofily.
Problem #4:Your main actors (understandably) phoning it in
This
is most obvious with Harrison Ford, who while filming must've been
counting the seconds he could be done with this mess and hit the bar. I
hear ya, man. I couldn't watch this cluster-disaster without a beverage or seven either. Mark
Hamill dials up the dopey wide-eyedness to 11 (his glow under the production lights could be a rescue beacon for people lost in the woods), while Carrie Fisher... well I only hope the distant planet she was clearly visiting while on camera was at least a pleasant one.
Problem #5:The painful comedy bits
Here's
where the special really breaks its ankles and stumbles hard into the bottom
of an oozing septic ditch. Harvey Korman was a well respected comedic actor, his
hilarious turn as Hedley LaMarr in Blazing Saddles surely proof of that...
but here? He's beyond unbearable. Korman appears in three different
sketches: in drag(?) as a four armed alien hosting a cooking show (Whose
Line Is It Anyway did this shtick waaaaaaaay better)... then he returns as a malfunctioning
android in a "how to" video for installing some computer thing, which the child Wookie is watching and mewling (...don't ask)... and then finally Korman is a
bar patron with a cup-head (seriously) hoping to romance Bea Arthur. Sure why not. He
pours a beverage into the cup-top of his cuphead. This actually happens! It was filmed. It exists. ......just baffling.
Problem #6:The music
You have circus music composed by off key farts (really), Jefferson Starship
singing "We Built This Wookie" (okay not really, but that bad joke far surpasses anything this show could come up with), Bea Arthur doing a showtune about
her bar closing that goes on way too long (and is still by far the best performance of the special), and of course the infamous
bit at the end with Carrie Fisher chorusing about "Life Day" with a
horribly dazed and awkward smile. Words do not do it justice... it's regrettable to bash Fisher for many reasons but this musical number is truly
unforgivable in its dreadfulness. Watching it gives the sensation of being stuck in a time warp wherein the song never ends. That Sarlacc pit is starting to sound pretty good by comparison.
Problem #7:The... WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
So here's a scene where Art Carney (an Academy-Award winning actor... that fact must've been awarded an asterisk after he appeared in this) offers some kind of computer disk to the elderly Wookie, named... Lumpy? Grumpy? Bumpy? Humpty Dumpty? Anyhow, Carney tells Dumpy how this disk is a great show he'll enjoy wink wink nudge nudge say no more... and I can't believe that was a sentence I just wrote.
This leads into a sensual musical number sung by an attractive lady, while the grandpa Wookie Mumpsy is clearly "getting into" what he sees... nudge nudge say no more (please say no more). For the love of anything holy, can you imagine watching this in 1978 with your kids, and then having to awkwardly explain this to them? You see, Timmy, it's like when two droids love each other very much...
But geez, what were the creators going for by having this in the story? Is it supposed to be funny? (it isn't). Genuinely erotic? (it really isn't). Also, children have kinda always liked Star Wars you know! They'd probably want to watch a Star Wars thing, which this purports itself to be! Just.... wow. Astonishing.
Problem #8:The production
It's not like any big studio will ever be in a rush to digitally clean up this thing (all versions that exist are bootlegs from that '78 broadcast) but even video quality aside... every scene rolls as though shot in a single take with much
of the dialogue and blocking improvised. Some credit, there is a nice matte painting of the Wookie tree house (although without a landing pad how the hell all these characters keep getting up there is a damn good question)... but the rest of the special impresses by appearing to have the budget of a mildly successful children's program. It's the same flat shot no matter which performance... a problem when the overall intent of this thing (one assumes) was to visually captivate and entertain.
I
could keep going... you can write a book about how batshit crazy this whole thing is, but staying here forever picking this thing apart
has to be a form of madness and there are way better films to talk about related to this franchise... like you know, any of them (and this is the same franchise that unleashed Jar Jar Binks upon us, don't forget).
Watching The Star Wars Holiday Special is a
truly bewildering, baffling experience that will leave you weirded out
and very, very confused. The sensation of watching it, while unforgettable, is mostly just incredibly painful... your brain trying and failing to understand what it is beholding. While watching I had to pause every few minutes just to recollect my sanity... it's the first thing you misplace while experiencing such a thing as this.
Perhaps the only persisting aspect of the Star Wars Holiday Special is how
nothing remotely like this will probably ever be allowed to be released again. While the idea of a bizarre monstrosity like this blindly sent into the wind by a billion dollar film studio is amusing... it is for the best this never happens. Trust me. This is truly among the worst movies that can ever be watched.
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With that wreck out of the way, next time I'll look at what are, in my opinion, the three worst REAL films within the trio of the trilogies. It'll be very very bad, but well above this special bottom floor.
