Ohhh my, heart is sinking
Same old useless one-eyed thinking
Live your life in the court of kings
Bow to the ruler and kiss the ring
But we don't even understand a thing you say
Yeah! Another Tuesday, another taste! This has not been a good week for anybody living in Ontario, as I unfortunately do and am rapidly regretting with each passing second... but! I won't let that shadow of endless doom linger over this review.
This is now the tenth edition of this weekly Tuesday Taste series... so I want to make it particularly special to all of you who have read, commented and supported these since the beginning. And if this is your first time reading, hop aboard and enjoy! I have no plans to end this anytime soon.
For this big ol' 10th episode... I did a something. The extremely prevalent sub sandwich chain Subway have recently been advertising a quartet of somethings called "Sidekicks". By the suggestion of the posters on their windows, they're intended as hungry temptation additions to the sub sandwich you've already come inside for. I mean, why else would it be called a sidekick?
A plan immediately seemed obvious to me: order all four and try these little sammichs in one go. SIDEKICKS.... ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!
I mean please, enjoy all of the meats of our cultural stew...
(also before we begin, for consistency I ordered the same compliments on each different sandwich: lettuce, cucumber, green peppers, and whatever sauce fit the name of the title. Giddy up).
Savoury Turkey Ranch
Hello...! ...misleading titles. Nothing about this is ranch, and this whole enterprise is the opposite of savoury. If you want to stretch it... reeeeeallly far... well sardines on toast (according to Wikipedia, citation needed) are considered a savoury dish. And hey, there are sardines used in Caesar dressing*... therefore... Caesar dressing sauce on a sandwich makes it savoury! They nailed it!
*cough* hey... it's actually anchovies.
Ferthelovaaagawd.
I don't get this title. It ain't savoury, and it ain't ranch either. And those two things wouldn't work together regardless.
Taking this for what it is: a tiny turkey sandwich in a slider bun, drenched in Caesar dressing... it's very meh. In theory it's a good match for that great texture of turkey... but nah. The meat is a decent quality, thankfully not on the cheaper side of processed, but there's little aftertaste. Good turkey meat has a way of settling down and resting inside ya as you eat. Accept no imitation.
When it comes to turkey, a nice turkey sandwich should be 50 percent turkey, 50 percent anything else (and half of that should be gravy). Drowning it with cheap salad dressing? Bad move.
Honey Mustard Ham
First bites can be like first kisses. They can last forever, and they can fade into oblivion. Hey! No... you're jaded.
The honey mustard sauce is what holds it together, and if you don't like honey mustard... well A: you're crazy. B: this example is a nice sauce, kinda creamy in a mayo way with honey and just enough mustard to make it yellow.
Once I tried the ham solo though... well it wasn't a good enough Star Wars spinoff. That's a double burn. Good ham should have a nice sweet scent to it, texture that collapses delightfully and juicy once you start cooking. This though... it wasn't dry sure, but it was just nothing. Texture for the sake of texture, disguised by sweet sauce. No. Don't try to fool me.
Chipotle Chicken
This was the one I was most skeptical about. Chipotle sauce in any form is waaay overdone these days (gimme ghost pepper if you're promoting power) and Subway's chipotle goo is lacking by those dated standards. It's a Nothing Burger Sauce Edition: regular mayo mixed with President's Choice Spicy Mayo... aiming for that neutral zone and missing well below. Damn.
The chicken itself gets semi-points for occasional moments of roasted interest. It's actually quite fine and not dry thankfully. I'd never confuse it for a legit bird slow cooked on a fire pit, but it goes for that flavour and achieves a hint of it.
Italian Aioli
By description this is the vaguest one of the four. "Italian Aioli?"? What's the aioli? Is it a garlic mayo that tastes like pizza? Damn...if that actually exists I'm ordering that sauce.
It's funny how this final "Sidekick" had the most forgettable photo, yet the most lasting taste. This one I genuinely liked.
The salami, combined with the garlic aioli... it's a good combo of distinct lingering tastes. Sustained salty pork beside creamy mayo garlic. It just worked for me, and the salami was certainly a notch above these other forgettable meats. This was more of a cheap option at your local deli, but it's a good deli and the cheap option is the whispered secret.
Might as well grade and rank em just for fun:
Honey Mustard Ham: C- (nothing beyond the sauce)
Savoury Turkey Ranch: C- (decent turkey but any boring thing, like Pizza Pizza, would be way better jammed up with ranc... I mean Caesar dressing)
Chicken Chipotle: C (This has the right idea. Pulled chicken is a nice sandwich texture, but it needs more and the overall flavour is lacking)
Italian Aioli: B- (the only one I'd actually consider ordering again. Garlic and salami at a slow pace, is quite the place for me)
I have to mention the patient dude who prepared all these for me, like a total pro, at the Coxwell/Queen Subway location. Didn't even blink an eye despite my weird request, and set it all up with the skill of a wicked bartender preparing multiple drinks at once. Damn. I miss that.
Burnt Ends - Might be going nuts with my other series, East End Eats, so stay tuned.
Tenth Taste - I honestly really want to thank everyone who has been reading this so far. Ten is a cool little milestone, and one I frankly wasn't totally confident I'd live up to every week. But I did and it really is thanks to all of you for reading, supporting, and commenting (please don't be shy!) I wouldn't be doing any of this if no one read it. Lots of ideas in the tank so get reading! It's going to be even more fun.
Speaking of unfortunate beginnings... the new feature!
Hey Doug - you griddle-faced, crusty-ass Biff Tannen cosplayer. I wouldn't trust you to run a home dishwasher: you'd probably somehow set the kitchen on fire, refuse the help of the Fire Department and then blame public services for not showing up fast enough. Just beat it, leave the scene like you so want to you piss-soaked tumbleweed... the house is burning and you clearly don't give two craps about anyone inside. See ya next week! Hopefully not though.
Tuesday Tune - It has to be this song, by a great Canadian band.
They were my first concert ever, when I was 12 at Fort York... they double billed with Great Big Sea. To memories of better times... and to this songs' apparent sad relevance today.
That's it for now. This was not an easy one to write. I truly don't aim to be was hopeless and angry as I was last week, but the obvious darkness is such a shadow. Be good to the ones you love, stay safe and don't spill that mustard.
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