Try to save your house
try to save your songs
Try to run
but it follows you up the hill
It's all boiling over
all boiling over
Another Tuesday, another Taste. While there will be several more Tuesdays (one would think) in the future... this will be the last Tuesday review in these parts for a while. More on that later.
For now, we're finishing this run with the most prominent pizza chain (at least in terms of number of locations) on planet Earth... Jabba The Pizza Hut. Such a terrible joke almost makes me wanna finally write that Star Wars film ranking. Damn despondency...
Among the classical famous American pizza chains, Pizza Hut is the third of the trifecta we've reviewed on the TT. All three (Little Caesars and Domino's are the other two) were founded/incorporated into their current brand at some point between the late 1950s and early 1960s, and while Caesars and Domino's both owe their origins to Michigan... Pizza Hut actually began out of Wichita, Kansas by two brothers attending Wichita State. It became a quick success story, with a dozen locations within a few years, and eventually PepsiCo bought out the company in the late 1970s.
Despite my deserved reputation as a pizza fiend (I mean "expert"), my experience with Pizza Hut is relatively limited. I only vaguely recall having it as a kid, either at birthday parties or (possibly) if there was a dine-in location at Bedford and Bloor near where I went to elementary school. I'm genuinely unsure if that ever existed (and if so it's been gone for 25 years anyway).
When I moved to the east Toronto Beaches I discovered a Hut location right on Queen street a dozen blocks from my house, which was exciting! Then, upon seeing their prices, I rarely went there until the location shuttered up sometime last year. In limited exposure I remember the oiliness of their pizzas always disrupting my enjoyment... but now we are in the moment of truth. An actual, honest review and critique of Pizza Hut pizza (not my poser article written from memory back in 2018).
Much like Domino's, this is a pie that demands to be eaten warm and as fresh from the oven as possible. Unlike Domino's, which tends to congeal into grossness rapidly... Pizza Hut pizza dries out once cooled off (which this one did since I walked fifteen minutes home with it in -6 temperatures... f**king Winter). It doesn't get stale that quickly, thank Zombie Jesus for that, but the crust becomes extremely flaky even in that short period of time.
Let's break down the elements. This was a three topping: ham, Italian sausage and pineapple because damnit I'm trying my best to think pleasant warm thoughts in this brutally cold time. The toppings quality-wise aren't anything special: the ham is tough and overcooked in the mix, the pineapple chunks empty and small while the sausage, thankfully in slices and not crumble, has the barest hint of spice or pepper. It's by far the best topping but beyond the three as a combination of texture, none are really much of a flavour presence.
As for cheese and sauce... meh. The cheese is the stronger element of the two, with a thoughtfully balanced layer (not as horribly thick as Domino's) with good coverage across the pie and a taste that resembles mozzarella enough once cold. I'm extremely wary of pizzas with cheese burn bubbles across them though, and while I don't mind some pop/crispiness your cheese shouldn't have that with every bite. To me it shows a lesser quality cheese (less butter/milk content perhaps) and regardless the taste gets overrun by that sizzled fried cheese taste. Sigh. The tomato sauce is fine but barely worth talking about: there's a hint of garlic powder/seasoning in there but also seems like much of the substance has been cooked/fried out. It's so seeped into the upper soft dough or dried out upon the edges of the slice. Eighteen bucks by the way... considering my finances this purchase was a damn terrible idea.
Perhaps I'm letting my mood affect my description, so here's a positive: the overall texture of this is something they get very right. Despite an overcooked top surface, this is a soft pizza that feels almost delicate and light in the mouth. Beyond the crusts and tiny cheese bubbles, nothing is overtly crunchy, tough or unpleasant to chew through, even once coldness has claimed it. When fresh, the crusts have a pastry consistency to them, buttery and not particularly dense.
It also, very surprisingly, passes the reheat test. Warming in the frying pan even on low setting is ineffective (the bottom becomes too stiff and its oil absorbs all the heat, among other problems) but low temperature in the toaster oven actually worked quite well: not exactly replicating the scent, texture and consistency like when fresh but generally decent on all fronts.
Time to tackle the elephant of this review... not that I'd ever suggest trying to tackle an elephant (I mean, you could try...). We have to talk about the greasiness. I don't mind a greasy pizza, especially from a cheese or a high quality fatty meat... but Pizza Hut isn't just excessive in this regard, it's the equivalent of winning a bicycle race by using jet engines. It's goddamn absurd how oily this pizza is... I reheated three slices in a pan and now could probably fry an egg on there without it sticking.
Not only does the pan-baked greasiness of the dough seep into the overall flavour of the pie, but it coats your fingers in the stuff while you eat it! My fingers are legit slipping offg my keyuboard wwhile typinggh this fer gawd's sasake. Because oil is so baked into this thing, it's not like dabbing with a paper towel (the greasy cheese method) makes any type of difference. It definitely gives the dough that distinctive light crispy texture, which is quaint but wears out that trait awfully quick once you've used your fifth napkin halfway through your second slice.
Overall... I mean it's better than Domino's because the cheese and texture is more interesting and enjoyable. It's better than Little Caesars because it has actual flavour, and it's better than Pizza Pizza because I don't need to explain why. The oiliness wrecks it though, which when considering the non-bargain price... I can't recommend Pizza Hut. When fresh and for only a slice or two, I see the appeal: that odd buttery lightness to it is unique... but you can make that "when fresh" argument for nearly any pizza. It's a once trick greasy pony with very bleh primary and supporting elements... Still, I regard reheat value highly and I'll give it a very 'C/borderline C+' grade on the pizza scale. It's a "once every solar eclipse" type of pie and definitely one best shared at a get-together with good times, other people and friends. So.... next solar eclipse it is.
Bonus points though to Pizza Hut Canada for getting off some well timed shots at somebody I'll talk about in a couple segments (seriously didn't plan it this way, I'd already written my first draft before I saw that tweet).
Burnt Ends -- Nothing on the horizon. Feeling constantly like shit makes it hard to want to do things, nevermind write them. Lets move along.
Hey Doug -- Normally this would be where I make up yet another amusing descriptive insult of our imbecile Ontario goblin premier, who once again keeps proving he's too stupid, stubborn and ignorant to navigate his way out of a dry grocery bag, even with directions from professional grocery bag escapers. But I'm not gonna do that. No, I think I'm just going to imagine the real Ontario ol' Dougie Ford envisions. A wondrous sprawling concrete land where independent businesses are fossilized, mega-chains owned by donors and cronies rule all... drive-thru windows along endless highways twisting and turning around empty condos in no particular direction. Everybody drinks the same shitty ass beer (which won't be a buck each) and public parks are some antiquated notion (there's entry money to be made after all). Underfunded hospitals, overcrowded schools, an exhausted workforce constantly in dire straits.
A society that deliberately doesn't keep its leaders accountable, either by public misinformation, apathetic disinterest, blind support of the man and "his party", or that people who would complain have bigger, more urgent matters like not joining a perpetually growing legion of starving homeless. An Ontario where the inner circle gets everything it wants and yet is still beloved for it... the false promise of "hard work" and "being open for business" breeding an impossible ultimate success. Maybe some people ("folks", if you will) wouldn't even mind such a place, a full-hearted embrace of a flaming dumpster fire dream... but that brainless nightmare land sure as fuck ain't for me.
Good Night And Good Luck (We'll All Need It) -- As mentioned earlier, I'm taking a hiatus from the weekly review for a while. No idea how long... I can't even say with certainty if it'll even come back to be honest. You can probably tell why by the tone of this review... but yeah there's a lot of stressful bullshit happening right now and while in the past writing these reviews has mostly been a positive method of coping and diversion... this week especially felt more like an ill-advised chore than anything. Some inside baseball: if my opening line doesn't have a finishing (!) things are going very not good. There has been just one of those since mid-November.
Also frankly, considering my current situation I just can't fucking afford to do these right now. 18 bucks on a pizza when your bank account is already deep in the negatives... truly the definition of dumb and frivolous. Rather than force myself to create something where my passion to do so is distracted and compromised... I'm pulling the plug. Hope to see you all on the other side.
Tuesday Tune -- Oh fine. One more song. Seems fitting to finish with this anyway.
That's all for me. I've pretty much said everything already so I won't dawdle through the same goodbye. Until next time, whenever or if that may be... stay safe, stay warm, stay vigilant and don't spill that mustard.
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