Reviewing Star Trek: Picard Season 2 -- Episodes 6 + 7 ("Two of One" and "Monsters")

 

 

 

I regret everything. Turn back now, before it's too late. Don't make the same mistake I did.

 

Still here? Don't say I didn't warn you. 

We're back talking about an absolute flaming dumpster... it's Star Trek: Picard! A show that with each passing episode makes me wonder why I've wasted so much of my life loving Star Trek. Are these the stages of grieving? It does raise an interesting philosophical question: does the fact something this awful and lazy now exists within the canon (seemingly just to cash in on the goodwill of Next Generation) actually make what came before it worse by association? Is all of Star Trek... actually bad now? 

I mean, this particular "Star Trek" is definitely bad. Stunningly so. There's so little more of this I can take that we're combining two episodes into a single review. It doesn't really matter, nothing of any consequence happens in either episode anyway... this is all just a complete pointless waste of your time. 

What's so goddamn frustrating about this whole enterprise (see what I did again there) are some interesting sci-fi concepts in here... but they're buried far beneath the overpowering stench of self-righteousness this creative team wallows in. Every time I think to myself "hey, this could potentially be something cool" within a minute they've found a way to fart all over it with their usual brand of tepid dramatic bullshit. Every. Time. This is truly one of the most frustrating things I've ever watched, and perhaps even one of the very worst. I've seen freaking Hobgoblins for fucks sake... Plan 9 From Outer Space... Birdemic... Disaster Movie! (okay, nothing's as bad as Disaster Movie). At least (most of) those are quasi-charming in their sheer badness... Star Trek: Picard is about as charming as a hobo urinating in a crowded subway car. 

 

 

Lets actually talk about the story of these two episodes, or at least this off-brand imitation of a narrative. Episode 6 continues with our Oceans Eleven/James Bond heist storyline, with our characters trying to sneak inside a gala so to protect Renee Picard from... bad vibes I guess? Agnes is now merged with the Borg Queen and gets captured on purpose so she can get the others inside the gala. Cliche but whatever. Once she stuns the guards and frees herself, she proceeds to return to the gala... constantly arguing with herself, ordering a drink from the bar, dancing in the ballroom... even singing on a stage! Gee, weren't you just in custody? Maybe you'd want to keep a low profile? Or is this just the dumbest event security in the history of fiction? 

Speaking of constantly talking to yourself... our other characters make it so obvious they're up to something it's genuinely laughable. If this show didn't take itself so goddamn seriously I'd think this was a farce. There's literally a scene where security is checking them out, and they're speaking out loud in heist lingo into their communicators! "How incredibly suspicious... go right in, sir."

I have to mention the bizarre framing device this episode uses, specifically how it starts with Picard clearly wounded and bleeding on the ground, then cutting to a "34 minutes earlier" title card. Okay, that's something different... a non-linear narrative with some heavy foreshadowing... my curiousity is raised. Clearly this episode is going to be what happens in those 34 minutes that gets us to how Picard ends up in that dire predicament, ending on that moment but also revealing something else even more dangerous to our heroes, right? Otherwise, why use this framing device or that foreshadowing at all? This is basic storytelling stuff and... oh... right. For a moment I thought I was watching a show that was actually about something! Nope... Picard gets hurt with like ten minutes of the episode left (by Dr. Soong's car, because fuck you that's why), the "34/22/7 minutes earlier" stuff gets completely abandoned, and now the Watcher character has to go into Picard's mind to save him and dear god just save me from this already. What was the point of all that narrative foreshadowing? Because it 'looks cool' for half an episode? Gawd the people writing this are fucking idiots.      

Another potentially interesting thing they piss themselves over: the Agnes/Borg Queen stuff. There's so much you can explore with that if you draw it out. Maybe Agnes is slowly seduced by the Queen... this new confidence and ability gradually turning her towards a Borg way of thinking, that everyone needs to be improved, 'perfected' like she has. It's very in line with what the Borg are! Nope, the Borg Queen just needed endorphins to take complete control of her, which happens halfway through the first episode they've been merged. No drama, no internal struggle. Just flick that switch to evil. I fucking hate this show so, so much.  

Instead of stretching out a plot point that might be interesting, instead we get the aftermath of Dr. Soong's wild ride... lamenting to his daughter how she's "his life's work" about twenty times (in case you hadn't hit your yearly quota of tedium). But if even that didn't whack you over the head enough with it's obvious direction, we need a four minute scene of her sneaking into his lab and finding his notes and video logs describing her creation and GEEZUS FUCKING CHRIST WE GOT IT ALREADY! WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS???? This show treats you like you're a bloody imbecile, and hey it takes one to know one I suppose.

 

 

Lets move on to the second episode of this double feature of sludge, "Monsters". So yep, it's a Fantastic Voyage into Picard's dreamland... full of spooky quick cuts, scary creatures dragging Picard's mom away, little boy Picard being scared, lots of gothic imagery... you know, general nonsense. Actual Picard is also in there, undergoing some kind of interview/interrogation at the hands of a previously unseen character in a Starfleet uniform. At first I thought this going to be a "Chain of Command" type situation, that classic Next Gen episode where the Cardassian tortures Picard ("There are four lights!").

The slippery questions this interrogator asks really made me think he was trying to trick Picard, that if he was able to break him in this dream reality it might mean his actual death. It's a basic idea that's been done before in different ways, effectively revealing hidden subtle truths about our title character... or even regrets perhaps? Isn't that what this whole exercise Q devised is about? And once again, you'd think that the entire episode would be about trying to rescue Picard from this memory he's trapped in, right? I mean you can switch back and forth into the other crap I mean 'side plots' (lots of Raffi and Seven together again trying to find Agnes... yayyy) but here you've got something that's completely metaphorical and symbolic as far as it relates to our famed title character... maybe the kind of stuff you take your time with? Tap those brakes a bit and actually allow your audience some space to absorb some of this?

Of course they don't do that, because shut up. It's quick shots of ghouls, funky camera work (this show loves Dutch angles, and hey it worked for Battlefield Earth right?) and generic spookiness until interrogator guy is revealed to be Picard's father. He explains Picard's mother had severe mental health problems, explaining the presence of these monsters (sure whatever)... but then twist! There's even more to this side tale that we're not going to tell you yet! Cool, there's about thirty minutes of an episode that means absolutely fucking nothing about anything, revealing a tiny incomplete something that's likely inconsequential to the overall story arc of this season. Did I mention how this show is a complete waste of time?  

When it's not gorging itself on uninteresting and pointless plot diversions, this show is just being impressively stupid. The episode actually ends with Picard meeting 2024 Guinan again in her bar so that she can summon Q via some ritual or something. Honestly, I've sat through so much dumb bullshit watching this show that silly stuff like that doesn't even bug me anymore. And for the hundredth time, I really thought for a moment they were going to do something slightly clever when instead it becomes the newest "dumbest plot twist I've ever fucking seen". Summoning Q doesn't work, but then a random dude wanders into Guinan's empty bar and asserts himself to stay despite Picard and Guinan clearly trying to have a conversation. I was thinking: "hey, maybe this guy is a Q! They summoned him by accident and he's just there being rudely obtuse until our characters figure out what has happened." Nope! He's a government agent! A SWAT team then storms in and arrests Picard and Guinan! Episode over! 

I can't. I just can't. I just cannot believe.... how... FUCKING BAD this is. At this point I'm still watching out of morbid curiousity... what absurdly awful, painfully brainless direction will this story take next?

Is there anything I liked out of these two episodes? No. But is there anything I tolerated? Well... the Rios/doctor lady thing is 'meh' I guess. They're trying to do a Star Trek IV thing so obviously (Rios even copies Kirk's line of "No I'm from -----, I only work in outer space") and him beaming doctor lady and her son onto their time traveling spaceship likewise has the same feel of when marine biologist woman (I'm terrible with names) first sees the Klingon ship. I've already talked about the Agnes-Borg stuff, which is bad but campy and silly enough to be almost enjoyable? There's also the scene where Picard, posing as a old security guard, imparts some wisdom on his astronaut ancestor Renee who is still having her doubts about the mission. It's overwhelmingly cliche and contrived, yet charmingly so? There's a warmness Stewart conveys to the dialogue that sells it, and it's good when this show plays to its lead actor's strengths (it doesn't happen very often).    

Everything else though... it's a supernova of garbage. The Raffi-Seven stuff is brutal to sit through: they have no chemistry, their bickering is played for comedy when it comes across like high school drama class, and Raffi might be the most inconsistently written character in the show. She warns Rios not to tell doctor lady too much about himself... don't contaminate the future! But earlier she wanted to teleport him off a bus full of people! Was this developed by a thousand different monkeys on a thousand different typewriters and cobbled together after the fact?

This show is truly one of the worst written things I've ever seen out of a production with an actual budget. It's better than the Star Wars prequels (yeah, we're at that level now) only because the effects aren't dated yet and at least the actors are trying to act. Often not succeeding, but trying at least. Otherwise.... just wow. Star Trek: Picard season 2 is little more than a bunch of story ideas crammed together without reason, logic or purpose and fired off down a nostalgia highway at maximum speed in hopes the audience doesn't notice what a lemon this car is. It takes the classic writing lesson of "show, don't tell" and decides constant yelling is the proper way to operate. It is sound and fury, signifying nothing. 

 

Three more episodes to go! I'll just be over here, right by that open grave. 

 

The Tuesday Taste: Fox and Fiddle 'Famous' Chicken Wings

 

 

Why, I wonder is my heart full of holes

And the feeling goes but my hair keeps growing

Will I set 

the sun

On a big wheel wagon

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! This week my original plans for the review was disrupted by rain and playoff basketball, but fortunately it all worked out extremely well in the end (for both the Raptors and my writing purposes). 

Yep, we're back reviewing some ol' classic pub fare, this time from another prominent chain of pubs here in Toronto: Fox and Fiddle. Like the Firkin restaurants (whom which I am extremely familiar with), Fox and Fiddle was founded in the 1980s as a British style pub concept and expanded into several locations in the three decades since. Some outposts have shuttered in recent years (such as the Bloor/Huron one, more on that later) but the Fox chain still boasts about a dozen franchises throughout mostly Toronto, Hamilton and a lonely one out in Surrey, British Columbia. 

That now lost location at Bloor and Huron is certainly the one I knew the best. Back in my Annex haunting days, that Fox and Fiddle was a much visited stop. One year during TIFF they even extended their last call to 4am, a very fortunate happenstance at the time for myself and friends working at the Madison a couple blocks away. 

I don't recall on any occasion ever trying the food there (if I did my impressions are now lost in the crevices of memory) and so this time, visiting the Danforth location, seemed a good opportunity to give it a legitimate shot. 

The Fox and Fiddle has rebranded itself since those hazy late autumn nights in 2010, switching from that old English font and patterned carpet decor into something more modern, sleek and minimalist. Their menu though still retains many pub favourites: fish and chips, burgers, tacos (because everybody does tacos these days), nachos, shepherd's pie and of course, chicken wings. 

By this reviewer's good luck it happened to be a 1/2 price wings day, thus the double portion you see pictured above. I went with two different flavours for each pound: a whiskey BBQ (the darker ones up top) and an ancho-chipotle (the brighter red-ish ones below). First off, the wings themselves were quite solid. A very light crispiness to the exterior, the meat inside (aside from one wing) was never dry or overtly chewy... perhaps slightly undercooked in spots where a particular bite was more watery than tender... but not at all close to the point of there being rubbery bits to make your stomach churn. Pretty decent stuff.

As for the flavours... the whiskey BBQ was by far the superior participant. While I'm probably more fond of a sweet BBQ sauce than other people perhaps are, I'll concede that a sweeter tangy BBQ sauce works much better with pork than a fried chicken wing. This particular one reminded me much more of the kind of BBQ sauce you find slathered and dripping off a rack of ribs at a summer RibFest event (Beaches RibFest is coming back in late June, everybody!)... the whiskey flavour provides a very modest sting while the rest of it is a subtle blend of smokiness that's not too sweet and yet certainly not bland either. A problem with many BBQ sauces is how they insist upon themselves and overtake any other flavour, but not this one. Thumbs up.

Unfortunately I can't give much of a thumbs up to the other flavour, the ancho-chipotle. I ordered this hoping for a nice spicy counterbalance to the BBQ option, but instead this flavour left me completely underwhelmed. For a sauce advertising a duality of hot peppers, this was nothing resembling heat. Just an earthy, "meh" taste that's extremely hard to describe because it left so little impression. Nothing lingered on the tongue or snuck in for a notable aftertaste, and the fleeting initial flavour reminded me of a vindaloo with all the sharp spice and acidity wiped clean off. Even if it was going for a non-spicy taste (definitely what comes to mind when you think "chipotle"... sheesh), they completely failed because this sauce simply lacks any kind of depth or intrigue. A big disappointment. 

Finally, the dips you see pictured. To me it tasted almost exactly like the Firkin Dip: a sort of thin yogurty dill cream that isn't as salty as ranch or domineering as a blue cheese. It's a perfectly agreeable dip for the veggies or the wings themselves if you swing that way. 

Overall... I'd say I recommend these wings but with a major asterisk: don't go for the ancho-chipotle flavour and only get them when they're half price. Paying over sixteen bucks for just seven chicken wings is a completely ghastly thought for me to chew on... I mean I ate all of what you see above (aside from a carrot stick my friend swiped) and wasn't exactly stuffed once finished either. Not exactly a stellar bargain, but I can at least say the quality was solid and I strongly recommend the experience of being in a bar eating these with friends while the Raptors win a big game on the road to stay alive. That's worth the price right there. 

 

Burnt Ends -- I've been dawdling on it (can you blame me) but yes I've been watching more Star Trek: Picard and yes I'll have some more torture (I mean another review) of the latest episodes soon. Even editing my own words about it are daunting... never has a show so completely shattered my expectations even once those have sunk lower than the molten core of the Earth.   

 

This Week's No Context Looney Tunes Image -- A couple of weeks back I came across this very cool article filled with backgrounds from old Looney Tunes cartoons with the characters removed. Though the article describes them as "Creepy and Existential" (*cough* click-bait *cough*) some of these are just plain gorgeous if you're a fan of old animation. I definitely suggest checking out the full article (if you can wade through all the annoying pop-up ads). Anyhow, here's one I particularly like.

 

 

Tuesday Tune -- Before Friday, this was the last band I'd seen live in concert (not counting Maroon 5, who you'd have to pay me to see and that's what happened). Enjoy this lighter tune from the truly exceptional 1999 album Summerteeth:  

 

 

That's all for this week. Until next time, stay safe out there, go Raptors and don't spill that mustard. 

The Tuesday Taste Revived: Harvey's Buffalo Chicken Poutine

 

 

Cause if I stumble then I fall

and get back up

Try to brush the dust off

And everything is black

when I close my eyes

I lose all sense of time 

 

Another Tuesday, and at long last another Taste! Hopefully my replacement made up for my lengthy absence...

 

Speaking of tasty substitutions, this week as a grandiose return we're looking at a major clash of styles. A truly bizarre concoction perhaps dreamed up or conceived after an excessive amount of high school weed brownies. Nuts and gum, together at last! (Hey, I've been gone a while. Lots of Simpsons references to make up lost time for). 

Harvey's is certainly no stranger to this review show. Last March they featured in the Great Canadian Veggie Burger Showdown, then later in August I tried their regular beef burger. On neither occasion did I sample and review their fries, however... and seeing as a poutine craving had been shaking my hand for multiple weeks... well 2 + 2 equals 22. Everyone knows that. 

I'm a bit of a poutine snob (spending extended time in Montreal can do that) and while Toronto does have a few strong options (Nom Nom Nom in particular) I never considered any of the fast food chains remotely approaching that company. Back in my late teen years I remember KFC being decent, thanks to their salty pepper gravy submerging everything, but even that hollow train sailed straight into the ocean a long time ago (trains don't float, after all... unlike KFC fries). 

I'll give Harvey's some credit that other burger joints, like Burger King or A&W, don't get: they're willing to experiment with their poutine toppings. One of my top poutine spots in Montreal, the great La Banquise, has some truly absurd creations involving anything from pepperoni, guacamole, Swiss cheese, creamy coleslaw, apples(!), corn dogs, Caesar dressing, fried pickles, mac'n'cheese... plus the usual pulled pork, smoked meat, bacon, steak, onion, mushroom etc options. It's true decadent madness, I tells ya. While nowhere near that level of insanity, Harvey's does offer some unusual combinations. There's the basic one (fries, curds, gravy), then a double cheese with bacon, a chicken and bacon one drizzled with ranch (no thanks), and then the buffalo chicken offering you see above. A total of four isn't exactly a pinnacle of selection, but I'll give some points for trying to be interesting instead of just "add bacon".

"Interesting" doesn't mean "it works", so lets dive into this thing. It's been probably over a decade since I'd had a poutine from Harvey's at all, and I gotta say the basic fundamentals were a pleasant surprise. The fries are lightly crispy, thankfully not over-seasoned and have that key "this actually tastes like a potato" factor. Fries are a consistently underrated aspect to poutine: you can load it up with the best whatevers but if the fries suck... your poutine is gonna suck too. Harvey's gravy... yeah, I'm into it. The richness is there (I suspect it's a mushroom gravy) and like the fries it's not aggressively salty, nor is it overly thin or watery. As for the cheese curds... serviceable. I appreciate that they're using actual curds (or a close proximity) instead of a shredded cheese cop-out... but these don't quite have that natural squeakiness you find among the truly great (Quebec) poutines. 

Still, there's a good balance here between the three elements, the Poutine Triforce if you will. The gravy isn't weak slop drowning out everything, they didn't skimp out on the amount of cheese, and even the fries at the bottom of the box get some of that trickle down flavour action (it doesn't work in economics but it works for a quality poutine).

Now for the weirdness: the buffalo chicken presence. Like nuts and gum, upon the surface it seems like a classic case of combining two good things together unfortunately into something strange and awful. Whiskey and beer, together at last! I went into this expecting these flavours to clash, but also thinking "if the buffalo sauce is merely soaked into the chicken... maybe it works?" Well... the generosity of toppings extends into the buffalo sauce as well. It is prominent. 

And yeah, it really doesn't work. No sir.

It's not exactly bad, just that the clash of flavours is incredibly strong and impossible to ignore. Back when I worked at the Friar and Firkin in downtown Toronto, our sandwich board special one day was a butter chicken mac n' cheese, a hybrid item I believe was only ordered by me that entire afternoon. Even our chef snickered upon seeing me engage it. Buffalo chicken on a poutine is similar: the sharp tang of the buffalo sauce doesn't mesh at all with the rich savouriness of a gravy surrounded by creamy clumps of cheese. Perhaps that's just my taste, I know people who like pickles on peanut butter sandwiches... but the contrast of flavours here is too much for me. 

Imagine taste buds receiving two distinctly different signals simultaneously and the brain does not compute or approve. Hey, the chicken itself is quite tasty. Genuinely juicy chunks of stringy breast meat and very unlike any minced imitation chicken you find in nugget form... solid crunch to the breading also. The failure isn't because this lacks basic quality, that's for certain... and I appreciate that the more intense portions flavour-wise are distributed centrally (allowing one's fork to choose its own mis-adventure, as it were). 

Overall... I cannot recommend this unless you have very specific tastes. Some may very well find the slightly hot acidity against heavy cheese, carbs and gravy an enjoyable contrast, or the weird buffalo-gravy sauce mix uniquely tasty. Not me, though. I will say I enjoyed the clashing combination more once the poutine was cold. I've always found eating a poutine is a race against time, since once it goes cold it's nearly impossible to resurrect it to respectable tastiness. However, Harvey's poutine once cold seemed to mute the aggressive aspects of the buffalo sauce. Not that it suddenly worked once cold but at least it wasn't a street fight in my mouth anymore. 

One last thing: this is the burger chain that happily advertises you can "build your own" burger, right? They dress it right in front of you, and there are plenty of choices in both topping and sauce categories. Seems like a natural thing you could also do with a poutine, or even just plain fries. Just sayin' it's an idea is all.   

 

Burnt Ends -- The usual features are back as well! While I haven't been writing any food reviews these past few months, West Collier hasn't been a ghost street either. 

Deep into the lonely winter doldrums of January, I discovered a sequence of short chapters I'd written back in 2016 intended as a segment of a novel (the "Steckland" story perhaps some of you may know). Reading these vignettes again after six years, I thought maybe it could fly on its standalone serial. I hate giving too much away... the bare bones of it is a story/legend of a fictional rock star, alongside another parallel tale. Here are parts I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII and VIII. There's a flow to this story I like, as unbiased as I can possibly be, and each episode is quite bite sized. Check it out, I insist.

I've also been watching and reviewing Star Trek: Picard season 2... because these are the bad choices we make in life sometimes. Ugh. If you like reading me when I'm angry, confused and frustrated, check out my torture with Ep 1 - The Star Gazer; Ep 2 -- Penance; Ep 3 -- Assimilation, Ep 4 -- Watcher (on the shortlist of worst fucking Trek episode ever made) and Ep 5 -- Fly Me To The Moon. Or don't. Spare yourself while you can.   

To finish, something positive to wash out that nasty taste of bad sci-fi writers french kissing themselves. I complied a comprehensive ranking of every Toronto pizza I've tried since undertaking the Endless Pizza Quest(TM) back in 2018. This particular piece just ranks in descending order each pizza I've tried, accompanied by a picture (and possibly a sentence long note if necessary). Man, I've had a lot of pizza. Check it out 'here!'      

 

Tuesday Tune -- Aside from working a Maroon 5 show last August, I have not been to a concert since the Beforetimes. October 2019 to be exact (it was Wilco and it was awesome). I even used to write about this stuff, and still it became one of those things I didn't realize how much I missed it until it was gone... being able to see live music. 

This upcoming Friday I'm seeing Sloan at The Phoenix, playing the entirety of their classic Navy Blues album. So... in honour of both a first attended show in three years, but more so honouring that truly excellent record... here's a great tune from said excellent record.     

 

 

That's it for me. Hope you all enjoyed this Elvis-like comeback, we'll be back next week (also known as not four months from now) with another exciting, compelling, delicious, tantalizing platter of words to... I dunno... make you hungry? Until then, be well, be kind, and as always.... don't pull a Raptors and spill that goddamn mustard.                 

  

The Rise and Fall of Calvin Comet -- Pt. VIII

    'It's hard to revisit them days, mate. You think everything's great, everything's fine again. Then it ain't, and you're just the biggest fool of em all.'

    
    PART EIGHT -- Ashes To Ashes

    Slice Rogers had finished his third "coffee" when he asked the interviewer for a ten minute break. Two hours later he returned, his eyes more bloodshot and his balance questionable. The interviewer offered to finish the conversation another day but Slice instantly shook off the suggestion.

    'Now'er never, mate. Only so many times a lad walks down this road.'
    'Very well. Can we talk about the release of "Last Train Around The Sun"? To this day it is the best selling, most successful album Calvin Comet ever made.'
    'I always thought we played an edge too safe on "Last Train", know what e'mean? Too poppy, radio friendly.' 

    Slice was gripping the table ledge to keep steady, though his eyes were intense and focused. 

    'Our first two records was when we was out there. From outer space right? Love them records. "Neptune" has moments but it's too acoustic for me taste. But yeah, truth be told "Last Train" is a bloody good one.'
    'And it was an immediate success, unlike Neptune Memories or SpacePort To SpacePort.' added the interviewer.
    'Yea, yea. Suddenly we was big again, which was great. Been a while, an we was older now. More mature. An not just innit for the fun of bein' famous rockstars again, but cause we made this record for the right reasons. For Galaxy. Course we had to tour it, record company demands and Cal himself wanting to. Don't think he'd have gone, though. If'in he'd known what'd happen.'
    'What happened?'

    With the instinct of a man who had done so countless hundreds of times before, Slice Rogers reached into yet another pocket of his jacket and produced yet another metal flask.

    'Join me?' Slice offered.
    'No thanks.'
    'Hmmmm. Might change your tune after this one.' Slice mumbled, unscrewing the cap and gulping in the smoothest motion he'd displayed the entire conversation thus far.

    'Well, mate. She didn't want 'im to go. On the tour. Least not as long as planned.'
    'She?'
    'Sorre! You been payin' attention? I'm ribbing ya. Not many blokes know bout her outside of the band so I ain't surprised. She was his woman... no... he was her man... more accurate. She'd worried he'd fall back into old habits, what with the druggin' and rockn'rolling. He'd been mostly clean for Last Train and it showed mate, sharp as ever. Man he was rollin'. But the tour beckoned an she wasn't happy, huge fight before Cal left. Fer weeks he'd call her after shows but never an answer. Nothin, every time. He stayed professional but all o' us knew it was eatin' him.'

    'Then word came of something just outside Brussels. Plane crash, week after the tour started. No survivors, 'pparently. We was in Oslo, sittin' in some tavern when a news report read the names of the victims. Cal saw her name and his face went pure white. Said nothin' and just walked out. Never showed for the gig that night or the next night. None of us could find 'im. He was nowhere. And that, that was the end of Comet and the Asteroids.'
    'Oh. Oh my...'
    'Everyone thought he'd just gone mental. Media hypin' the fame and the life was too much for 'im. Romantic fallen star and all that pisswater. But I knew Cal, mate. I knew what had really hit 'im. Bein' a rockstar had been kind to my wallet and I had no wife, obligations or anythin', so I spent a few months tryin' to track 'im down. Them other blokes in the band moved on and even ridiculed me in the press, that twat Banes callin' me "a crazy tryin' to find another crazy". But I knew I could find 'im. Knew I could find my friend. My best lad. And I did.'
    'You did?'
    'Yes mate. I saw 'im. Few years later. Early December, '82. Livin' in a shack out in the French countryside. To this day I ain't even sure how I found it. But somethin' pulled me there, and when I knocked and he opened I knew it. Despite the beard, the stained clothes, any of that rubbish. In his eyes I knew this was Calvin Comet, my best mate.'

    'Nice of you to meet me here.'   
    
    'He let me inside, showed me around. The place was shambles, no lamp or anythin', jugs of milk, burnt out candles and rotten spinach everywhere. In the corner was one bit I recognized, the only thing kept care of. The Red Nova. Its strings was still pristine, shine on the body flawless, even surrounded by grime no spot of dust on it. He caught me eyes starin' at it and laughed aloud, a scary laugh. That's when I knew. And I cried, mate. Yea I admit that. I cried. Broke down big time. Cal smiled, yea he did, then grabbed me shoulders and whispered.'

    'Lets jam soon my friend, after the space voyage. I've got some songs.'

    'I left that shack to never return, never ta tell of it. Till now it seems, mate. Time has passed and my best fellow is near the end of his voyage, I sense.'

    Slice Rogers pulled out his flask one more time and held it out for the interviewer.

    'Join me?'

    The interviewer snapped PAUSE on his recorder and accepted the drink while Slice pulled out a similar one from his jacket.

    'To Calvin Comet! And his trip to planet Earth!'
    'To Calvin Comet.'

    
    ***

    This was not the best holiday season ever. My inability to talk to anyone until the worst possible moment birthed a cloud of awkwardness that fogged over the rest of my family. Whether she was impressed or not, Aunt Pam has hardly glanced at me since my outburst at the dinner table. Her husband much the same, nevermind the looks of demonic contempt from both my father and my despised other aunt. 

    It was to my great horror learning Aunt Jennifer would be accompanying us on the trip back to the city, and driving no less. She looked square into my heart when we loaded the car and directly ordered me to make a case why I shouldn't just be left behind to find my own way home. But my broken spirit refused to break any further simply for her delight. I said nothing and took claim of a quiet backseat corner with my bundle of papers, alongside my sister Laurie. She had been quiet to me also, and I resolved to force myself asleep so to make this nightmare ride seem quicker.

    'I'm turning on the radio.' announced my father. 'Classic rock okay?'    

    I was inbetween sleep for a little while, a pillow covering my face, but awake enough to hear Aunt Jennifer loudly belittle me and "young people these days" while my father wordlessly adjusted the dial. Just as I felt genuine blissful dreaming coming upon me, a sharp poke came to my shoulder. It was Laurie, holding a large pad of paper and a black marker. She'd written something down in large letters and handed it to me, pad and pen.
    
     THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR ME. YOU'RE A GOOD LITTLE BROTHER

    I glanced at my sister and she gestured me to write something of my own. After looking over the front seat, I jotted down the first thing in my mind.

    I JUST WANTED TO STOP YOU FROM SAYING SOMETHING YOU WEREN'T READY TO SAY

    Laurie took the pad and marker back from me, ripped off a new page and wrote again.

    I KNOW WHY YOU'VE BEEN SO WEIRD AND DISTANT THESE PAST COUPLE WEEKS

    My insides twisted about. She wrote more:

    IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR FACE. I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE

    We passed through a couple of identical farm towns, neither of us speaking and and hardly looking at each other. Eventually, she grabbed the pad and marker again, writing:

    PLEASE DON'T SHUT YOURSELF AWAY LIKE THIS. I'VE ALREADY LOST ONE BROTHER. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE OTHER ONE I ACTUALLY LIKE

    I looked at her and she looked right back, powerful concern from jawbone to jawbone chiselled on her face. Serious business. My sister knew me enough to know that. There was no future for me on this road. 

    I BROUGHT A DECK OF CARDS, STECK. CRAZY EIGHTS?

    The rest of the trip back to the city delightfully ignored the cloud that had set up shop over my thoughts for a seeming eternity. Two siblings in the backseat playing cards to happily distract the time, two other siblings of another generation in the front with one mostly silent and the other unstoppably belligerent, with a car radio frequency drifting from station to station.

    'That was Milky Way Waves off of the great Golden Planet record. What a cut. And today does sadly mark the thirtieth anniversary of the death of the great Calvin Comet, found alone in the French countryside. The exact cause of Comet's departure was never discovered by doctors, remaining one of the great mysteries in music history to this day. To honour him, we'll be playing his songs and those of the Asteroids all afternoon. Lets continue with one of my personal favourites, "Our Time Will Come Together", from the beautiful Neptune Memories. Everyone out there listening on planet Earth, hope you all enjoy this timeless tune.'

    (xxxv) -- The Rise And Fall Of Calvin Comet
    
 

Reviewing Star Trek: Picard Season 2 -- Episode 5: Fly Me To The Moon

 

 

 

Hoo boy, we're back doing one of these again apparently.

 

Talking to my dad about my severe disdain thus far for Star Trek: Picard (I think he's waiting to binge the season when it ends but doesn't mind these spoilers), he commented how episode five will be directed by Jonathan Frakes and if anybody can turn this mess around it'd be him. After all, Frakes is obviously very familiar with the Trek universe and directed some all-time classic episodes: The Offspring, The Drumhead, Cause and Effect, plus two of the TNG films! (I mean, one of those is Insurrection... but still!) So here we go... finally this dark convoluted sci-fi action show claiming itself to be "Star Trek" can start actually showing some of those key fundamental Trek elements, right? Right?

You know the answer to that. Well... this is probably the most watchable episode of the season thus far, I'll give it that. But, compared to what I've already endured? This was better in that I was just rolling my eyes at the predictable beats of the story instead of feeling outright hostility towards it. 

Predictable is really the biggest problem, and of course spoilers ahead! You knew they were gonna rescue Rios from ICE, which I'm so very glad they did quickly instead of dragging out that flimsily conceived plot thread any longer. This show loves to point at social issues but not actually dig into the important nuances of how and why things happen... like you know, Star Trek does. The Borg Queen stuff is fine, I guess... but anybody could see the whole Agnes/Borg Queen merging thing coming from several episodes away. Making something like that so obvious can be fine if you do something interesting with it... instead of this whole "she's lonely! The Borg are never lonely!" schlock. And that's a part I didn't even mind too much, I can enjoy schlock and this episode has plenty of it. 

Frakes' direction seems to get that point, dialing down the tedious melodrama significantly (bless him) and some parts seemingly played even as self-aware of it's schlock. The scene where Picard has the Watcher/protector/whatever (it's the same lady he almost kisses in episode 1) touring the ship and he's talking about how his ragtag crew is top notch and reliable, then right away she sees Rios, Seven and Raffi dragging that bloodied unconscious policeman. "Is that your crew? Why are they dragging that dead guy?" "Umm, uh.. I'm sure he's not dead. Probably." It's so goofy that it genuinely charmed me, actual silly humour a sweet breath of air as opposed to the constant "witty remark lacking any wit." bombarding the poor audience for laughs. 

The episode is very hit or miss, and those hits are bloopers by the way. There are multiple parts that work, but geez the creators of this show just cannot help themselves from just adding more and more shit to this thing. Did any of you out there play a writing game in school, where you'd write a sentence or two of a story then pass it on to your friend, so that they would write more of it and then pass it to somebody else in class? That's what Season 2 of Picard feels like, a story arc written by a bunch of people making it up as they go along. It would explain why so much of what is actually happening and why is presented so cryptically vague.

The best part of Fly Me To The Moon is Brent Spiner appearing as a ancestor of Dr. Noonian Soong, yet again. I find it pretty funny at this point how all of the Soong family tree, even over the span of centuries, always have some scientific inclination towards creating artificial life. Didn't anybody in this family want to go into botany, or be a historian or something? Ah whatever. Spiner is always fun, subtly giving this new character the distinctive Soong arrogance, but a touching dash of human vulnerability, which is new. His daughter (played by the Soji actress... insert your own theories there I've stopped caring) has a rare terminal condition that he's trying to cure... and along comes Q to make a devil's deal with him.

These scenes with Spiner and de Lancie are the closest this show has gotten to finding that humanity so important to classic Star Trek. While it's certainly very different than when these two last acted so closely opposite each other (the great "Deja Q" episode, which likewise features Q losing his powers) this works because Q here is acting very coy and sinister, taking advantage of an intelligent but desperate man. I've always found that darker side of Q a very compelling aspect to his character: he's not exactly a true villain but he's certainly no hero either. He's Q. That's it. 

Soong is even well aware of this Faustian bargain in this great exchange: ("If you have the cure, than I am a hostage to you") and Q's reply of "We're all hostages to what we love. The only way to truly be free is to love nothing. How meaningless would that be." ...I dunno I just think it's a great line, delivered with classic Q cold rationality and fairly consistent with the direction his character went as TNG continued and he grew to understand humanity further... perhaps early in TNG he would've not added that last part. 

Despite these surprisingly strong moments in the middle, Fly Me begins pretty flat (the Rios rescue, Picard talking with Watcher Lady) and finishes quite lamely also... throwing some Oceans Eleven/Mission Impossible heist type storyline into the end. Oh my gawd... enough already. Apparently Q's plan is getting Picard's ancestor, Renee Picard, not to go on some key space mission she's scheduled for here in 2024. It's implied that her not going on the mission is what changes the timeline, because sure why not. At least "City on the Edge of Forever" had some natural logic as to how Edith Keeler's survival changed the course of history. Still, the scene where Picard discovers Q posing as Renee's therapist is downright hilarious. "That's no therapist... that's Q!" Stewart finally says it with that familiar indignation we saw for seven years on TNG. It's so dumb but the schlock warmed my cold heart just a bit.  

They try the stupid heist movie plot where somebody (Agnes) has to sneak it to this high security gala, get captured on purpose so they can change the surveillance systems or something blah blah blah... I don't even know or care why exactly they're doing it. To keep an eye on Renee? Keep her away from Q? But they can't directly talk to her because it'll change the future? What's the point? And the big cliffhanger of the story, you guessed it, is the captured Agnes is revealed to have merged with the Borg Queen. Again, who watching this show could've possibly been shocked by that. At least this episode kinda tries misdirection with it, sort of kicking the "mystery" of what happened to the side and moving on, but there's only so much you can do with material that is so excessively predictable. 

Speaking of a scene just before where Agnes shoots the Borg Queen, I couldn't help but notice something:

 

 

That's not the closed captioning from my media player, that's a subtitle from the actual show becuase the charatcter is speaking French. Seriously. Man, I hate when Borg Queens pop outta nowhere in abandonded houses.                

Anyhow, there's not much else to say. Best episode of Picard I've seen thus far, with those couple tiny moments I legitimately thought were well done, both of serious and comedic variety. As for the rest of it, most of my enjoyment was derived from humour at the show's expense (like my screenshot above), which is still an improvement from the previous two episodes. I really couldn't give two farts about this vague "watcher" time travel plot, which is a problem considering it seems to be a key part of... well everything. The Renee Picard stuff isn't really interesting either, unless there's some good twist coming up (I'm sure there will be a twist, I'm just not excepting it to be good). It's also annoying that Seven and Raffi seem to be written as the exact same character a lot, which is first: dumb when you're trying to express personal relationship drama between them and second: as I will probably keep writing every episode this is not Seven of Nine. This is Jeri Ryan playing generic badass sci-fi mercenary lady.

        

An overall "meh" of an episode. More Spiner and de Lancie, please. Less, um, almost everything else. Can't wait to see what they screw up... I mean "do" next.

Reviewing Star Trek: Picard Season 2 -- Episode 4: Watcher

 

 

Serious question: have the writers of this show ever experienced a real story before? Have they ever read a book, or seen a well regarded film? I'm not just asking if they've seen Star Trek before, because they obviously haven't, but can they actually comprehend how a functional plot works? Are the concepts of intrigue, depth of characterization, genuine tension and subtle power complete foreign languages to these hac... I mean creative minds?  

The answer is yes. Episode 4 of Star Trek: Picard season 2 might be my least favourite Trek episode of all time. I'm not kidding. Now I haven't seen every single episode of every series (and frankly after this experience you'd have to pay me to watch any other modern Trek), but I've seen most. Could there be some random Enterprise episode I haven't watched that challenges "Watcher" in badness? Perhaps. 

But hoooo boy, this is some fucking trash right here. This challenges "Lights of Zetar" as the most unbearable Trek story I've ever sat through. It challenges "Sub Rosa" in terms of sheer awful melodrama. And yeah, it challenges the majority of Next Generation season 1 (you know, when that wonderful show sucked) in terms of obnoxious preachiness... hey, they got one thing right about Star Trek I guess! Great job, team. You're batting a thousand. 

There's no point in me reviewing what happens in this episode, because frankly... I don't even know and nor could I give a fuck about what happens to these cookie cutter "dark gritty" characters. It's like everyone (except Picard) has been written like some cynical outcast with a nihilistic world view... and their character arc is how they learn to understand there is goodness in the universe. Did I just write five seasons of this show? I think I did. Where's my paycheque? Look, that particular kind of character can be extremely effective... people love Han Solo for well deserved reasons... but that's when it isn't every single fucking person in your story! Because here they all just blend together... and whatever viewpoint or personal tension or pathetic attempts at rogueish charm they have, none of it grabs you or stands out because this entire show is bonking you over the head every second with this shit.

I also can't tell you what happens in the episode because this entire story arc has such severe scatterbrain it gives me a headache trying to understand what's happening. Now our "heroes" are in 2024 Los Angeles (how fun), trying to find somebody called "the Watcher" (how vague) with a Borg Queen on their ship plotting against them (how yawn inducing) and some poorly disguised social justice messages mixed in (how trite). The frustration is that I agree with what this show is trying to say about these issues (immigration crack-downs, climate change etc) but when it's delivered like this, with the nuance of a giant gorilla bludgeoning you over the head with a piano... it's just so, so fucking unbearable.  

Oh, and then there's the Guinan in the past bullshit. Hey, remember when the Next Gen crew went back in time to the late 19th century and met younger Guinan? They also met Mark Twain too but lets not get into that. Last I checked, 1895 is much earlier than 2024... so why is Guinan now acting like she's never met Picard before? It's well established (Time's Arrow is the episode) that Captain Picard caring for her in that 19th century story is how they become friends... and remember this stupid Picard plot implies that the timeline changes because of something happening in 2024. She points a gun at him! Seriously! And yeah, she also has this generic cynical bullshit worldview, like every other character on this lazily written garbage show. Fuck this. This is so fucking insulting, just plain bad. Bad!

 

  

Sorry, just needed to cleanze the palette there. That sure doesn't seem like an interaction that results in someone pointing a gun at the other a century later though, does it. 

I will say, Agnes has become more tolerable. I guess merging with the Borg Queen or whatever it is they did mellowed out her obnoxiousness (it's still there, but not as constant thankfully). Also, geez it's so obvious the Borg Queen is gonna influence her/take her over... this show thinks it's being subtle but the clues literally scream at you in the face. Everything moves quickly and yet it thinks pulling off some predictable card trick in a rare moment under the speed limit qualifies as drama. Get lost, I'm not an idiot. 

No, the most annoying character is definitely Raffi now. I don't understand why, but in so many of her scenes she acts like this is a high school production, or the actual scene is a rehearsal take. It's so over the top and unbelievable (I can't let go of Elron! A character I barely had a connection to!), and her sorta romance double act with Seven of Nine is equally unbearable and stupid. These two became an arguing love item off camera between seasons apparently, and now we're supposed to care about relationship problems you've spent no time whatsoever establishing? Oh and it's played as quippy comedy, because of course it is. Geeeeee.... zus. 

Sorry, just had to cleanze the palette again. 

I think the absolute botching of Seven of Nine has to be one of the most disappointing aspects of Star Trek: Picard. In that scene above you get Jeri Ryan wonderfully portraying somebody completely inexperienced with the emotions of losing somebody so alike to yourself, and she plays it like a balance of grief induced confusion. You completely understand what she's feeling, you feel the sudden heartbreak of someone who didn't even know they could feel such a thing. In Star Trek: Picard? She's just another of these generic cynical badasses who will vaporize anybody without a second thought. I post that scene above because I think how truly horrible Seven is in Picard isn't Ryan's fault, she can clearly be a very good actress when a character is written well. Which kinda is the problem with Picard, ain't it? It's written apparently by people with the vaguest comprehensions of Star Trek or even basic proper storytelling, and they're throwing random darts at a nostalgia board.

One last thing before I end this miserable review: a minor quibble but apparently their crashed ship can cloak itself? Picard announces "activate cloaking device" in a scene clearly designed to make him seem badass and clever... but unfortunately I have a brain and thus must ask a question or two. First off: you're crashing into 2024 Earth. Obviously our space technology isn't comparable to the world of Star Trek but we can still detect when things smash into our fucking planet, right? So... wouldn't it make sense to cloak the ship before smashing into Earth? I mean, why even bring this up at all? I was cool with the ship just crashing, maybe a goofy scene of some sheriff coming to investigate this weird ship and getting scared off. Cheesy but hey, at least that's something that tries. Nope, we've got a cloaking device! um apparently. Man, I can't recall watching anything to this degree of obliviousness: thinking it's so incredibly clever when in reality it's so exceptionally dumb. And the sad part is how straight this is played: like a gritty space action drama instead of even the slightest hint of self-acknowledgement in terms of how silly and unbelievable this all is. 

Nah... it's painfully convoluted to the point that I don't even care what happens anymore, because these writers think they can juggle but they can't. It's also painfully contrived, forcing in characters you loved before because they need eyeballs to watch this mess. The good moments of Star Trek: Picard are a man desperately trying to stay afloat in an uncaring ocean. I want the man to make it ashore so badly but I know the ocean doesn't really give a shit. Fuck that ocean. Fuck this show.