If I die of vanity
promise me promise me
They bury me
some place I don't wanna be
you'll dig me up
and transport me
unceremoniously
Away from the swollen city breeze
garbage bag trees
Another Tuesday... a one hundredth Taste! When I first started this little series in early 2021, mostly out of needing something to do during pandemic boredom and loneliness... I certainly did not envision this thing making it all the way to 100 episodes.
There were some hiatuses along the way (and certainly some meals so bad to make me question the wisdom of doing this *cough* Wing Machine) but here we are! Without a doubt this weekly review series would never have made it this far without the encouragement and support of all of you, dear readers, and so my endless thanks to everyone.
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It is wild to think it took me a century number of reviews to finally get around to Taco Bell, which is kind of a famous one! I mean, we've done A&W alone over half a dozen times...or McDonald's at least four (and I hate McDonald's!)
If you're somebody of my vintage, growing up in the mid-late 1990s, you will definitely remember the marketing sensation that Taco Bell became for a while. The talking chihuahua with the catchphrase "yo quiero Taco Bell!" (translating as "I want" Taco Bell, fairly obviously). Looking back now... yeah giving the dog a stereotypical Mexican accent was a pretty rough look (several Hispanic advocacy groups deemed it extremely insensitive at the time and called for boycotts).
Despite that perhaps being Taco Bell's peak in the public consciousness (at least until we enter the future of Demolition Man and all restaurants are Taco Bell)... Taco Bell actually dates back to the early 1960s. Restaurateur Glen Bell (yep, that's where the 'Bell' in Taco Bell is from) had operated a variety of food stands in San Bernadino and Lynwood, California, and upon seeing the popularity of a nearby taco restaurant decided to shift into that crunchy lane. After a few different concepts named Taco Tia and El Taco (the former of which had the eventual founder of the Wienerschnitzel brand, John Galardi, as a business partner) the first actual Taco Bell restaurant opened its doors in Downey, a south-east part of Los Angeles, in 1962. Soon afterwards Bell (Glen not 'Taco') franchised the brand, it grew considerably, and in 1978 he sold it to Pepsi for a cool 125 million in stock options.
There isn't an abundance of Taco Bells in Toronto (in fact their Canadian division has been closing stores recently) and it's really just one now long, long gone that stands out to me the most... as my early teens were my personal Taco Bell heyday. I attended Jesse Ketchum for junior high and later Jarvis Collegiate for higher high, which are both very close to Yonge and Bloor... and there used to be a Taco Bell/KFC hybrid just a block south of Bloor on the west side of Yonge. Cheap tacos and fries covered in stuff were a tasty treat for this teenager without any real source of income, and I do recall many lunchtime visits chomping away on those crumbling messy beef-filled shells.
Fast forward about... twenty years? Good grief. I completely stopped going to Taco Bell not for any specific reason: maybe because there wasn't one nearby, or that my tastes in food changed (*cough* improved *cough*) or that these types of tacos are so ridiculously easy and cheap to make at home... all legitimate reasons. I do recall one time, think I was about twenty, going to Tacos El Asador in their old location and being confused why their tacos were being served flat on this soft, un-fried tortilla thing. Ah the ignorance of youth...
As mentioned before (possibly this review, one of my weirder ones) almost ten years ago I briefly worked at La Carnita Leslieville, which was a fucking nightmare... but their tacos were extremely good I will concede. Getting to eat those during my semi-brief employment (still a fucking nightmare) really opened my eyes to what tacos could be: much like a pizza (come on, you thought I wouldn't find a way to mention pizza in the 100th episode?) there's an empty canvas wherein you can add and create almost anything within that basic structure.
This is my (typically) roundabout way of explaining my gradually gained affinity and respect for a good taco, and as such my genuine curiousity and interest in reviewing Taco Bell for this. This is one I've been considering for a while and I remember it being good... ish? Good in 2003 terms? I was not kidding when I say it'd probably been two decades since I had it.
While for an east-ender like me, the Taco Bell in College Park or the one up at Ellesmere and Birchmount may have been closer... I didn't want to go to a food court and I definitely didn't want to go all the way up to whatever the hell is up there, so College and Spadina it was.
Entering the inside was a trip: they have these self-ordering screens that I imagine are commonplace in fast food joints now (despite these reviews I honestly rarely eat fast food stuff otherwise). The interior is sleek, standardized generic tile and seating... nothing garnish or bold to spark the imagination. Combined with the impersonal ordering, there is something very procedural about all this.
Going in I knew I was getting a few things to sample and one of them had to be the Fries Supreme, such a delights in the days of my voice cracking. They had some kind of 'Cantina Chicken' feature, so I ordered the crispy taco of that, along with a Cheesy Beef Gordita Crunch and a Doritos Locos Beef Taco. Man, these are some punchy names...
I started with the cantina chicken one because, as you can see it was totally falling apart!
There isn't much to say here. The chicken is... odd. Extremely loose, like a minced type texture, and while the flavour resembles that classic juiciness of the bird it is fleeting and empty. Not much seasoning or flair, it's really the heaviness of the cheese and whatever creamy sauce is in here that dominates the taste.
Strange, strange taco... with just cheese and meat filling it's like what I had at Dirty Birrias (I wasn't in love with those either but at least they had some zing). No lettuce or tomato or onion or cilantro either (okay fair you're not finding cilantro at a freaking Taco Bell)... it's really just the creamy chicken with a bunch of cheese... which can work in principle but really does not work here. Comfortably the worst of the four items. Meh and bleh.
Into Door #2, the Cheesy Beef Gordita Crunch. This was the priciest one of the quartet, and damned if I know why. It's really just their regular beef taco with an extra pita-like wrapping around it, plus a sauce! Hey, at least it's far more interesting than that chicken "thing".
Texture-wise, this works a lot better than I thought it would. The soft exterior with the crunchy shell within is a nice dynamic, even if this particular exterior would probably work better with some hummus instead. Problem is, there is just so much of these two outer layers in every bite that the contents within have little chance to ring through. You barely get any presence of the beef filling, or the cheese (both of which are in the freaking name)... hell even the "Crunch" aspect is suffocated by this flaky uncooked pita.
What is a 'gordita' you may ask? (I sure did). Via my trademark Lazy Research, it is typically a fried corn pocket (similar to an empanada but that's flour instead of corn usually) filled with cheese and meat... although a gordita can be baked as well. So basically... I don't know what the hell this item from Taco Bell is but seeing as this outermost layer is neither fried or baked, and definitely isn't corn nor does it completely enclose the contents within... it sure as hell is not a gordita.
Of course, this is the same chain that for a time had a commercial promoting their "Carne Asada Beef" special... which essentially translates as 'beef grilled beef' or 'grilled beef beef'. Pick whichever you think is funnier.
We're really not doing too well here... how about the one item I was most excited to finally get reacquainted with?
Ah the Fries Supreme... reigning supreme among the realm of fries. I loved this stuff well before I even discovered poutine for crying out loud. As a pre-teen it was like a revelation: "you can put other delicious stuff and sauces on fries??? Whoa!"
Normally the Fries Supreme comes with the ground taco beef and perhaps in retrospect that might've been the more authentic choice, but I was curious about their steak and so upgraded to that for an extra dollar. It probably wouldn't have made much of a difference, honestly. I know this is happening essentially everywhere, and it has been two decades and my memory of being a sixteen year old was thousands of drinks ago... but I swear the portion used to be larger. To be fair, I was likewise shocked to see this was still less than five bucks and so considering that... not bad?
Not bad is the highest praise I can genuinely give here. I like all of these elements: fried potatoes, sour cream, cheese sauce, chunks of steak and diced tomatoes... that all still works conceptually (just missing green onions).
Quality-wise? It's... edible. On the lesser side of "okay". The fries aren't great, a lot like Burger King fries strangely enough (not salty at all or crispy)... the sour cream is lukewarm (which always makes me nervous) diced tomatoes taste like diced tomatoes so that's fine, and the cheese is your standard 7/11 nacho cheese sauce which is likewise also fine when you know what to expect. I have a love/hate relationship with that gloopy type nacho cheese sauce: in the right situation it can be an excellent addition and or dip, but I would never ever eat the stuff on a regular basis.
Which brings us to the steak! Yeah I dunno... for a steak so obviously well-done (at least medium-well) the consistency of the cook and it's lack of chewiness is suspicious. I've slow-cooked non-fatty beef many times and even at medium-well within it's own juices you get some resemblance of toughness. Taste-wise, there is a steak flavour, slightly peppery and quite tender... like these Fries Supreme as a whole it's entirely okay I just don't trust it.
Sigh. I pretty much knew coming into this that having a Fries Supreme for the first time in my adult life would be a let down, and it is... but nothing can really live up to that perspective of precious youthful innocence though.
This surely wasn't horrible, which I am glad about. In 100 Tuesday reviews I've encountered many awful things and this is far from that. Objectively, there is just such a plasticy-like flavour to all of this that lacks any secondary oomph to allow a taste to linger. You just consume it until it's gone. Not exactly cheap in flavour (although it is) rather it's simply bland and not memorable.
Quick note on their hot sauce (in the packets you see above): I got the spiciest "Fire" option, and while it (to me) wasn't anything close to resembling genuine heat (the "fire" was put out so quickly the firefighters had time to hit the bar afterwards) I kind of liked this as just a sauce. Bit of a ketchup meets BBQ meets Tabasco kind of thing, a smokey tang with a vinegar-like sting to it. I actually took some of them home and poured it on my own homemade tacos. Decent.
And now, don't worry I saved the best for last. The only thing of these four items I'd remotely consider paying money for again. The Doritos Locos Taco!
Full disclosure: I love Doritos. I love almost all chips in general (maybe episode #200 I'll review every well known chip brand and flavour there is... that would be lined up for two years from now but give me two weeks it'll be done. I freaking love chips).
Right, back on subject. Taco Bell has had this Doritos taco floating around for a while and it always intrigued me. Doritos are nacho corn chips after all and the transition/innovation into a crunchy taco shell is obvious. I've even attempted to make Dorito nachos at home with mixed success (there must be some finishing oil or chemical in them because they tend to burn quicker than normal tortilla chips).
Basically, this is your standard Taco Bell crunchy beef taco, with a Doritos shell. First chomp in... oh crud it's the Nacho Cheese flavour... certainly the most popular Dorito and by far my least favourite one. Couldn't have a Cool Ranch option? Or Jalapeno Cheddar? Regardless, you get a lot of that powdery vibrant Dorito flavour (even the dust caking on your fingers) and it brings a brightness (as artificial as it may taste) to an otherwise very ordinary beef taco. Combined with a decent amount of pre-shredded lettuce and cheese... this was moderately enjoyable and tasty.
I haven't talked much about Taco Bell's ground beef, essentially the load barring poster of this whole enterprise, so here goes. The beef itself is serviceable, with a fatty loose texture that settles well within the taco shells. The flavour is a lot like a very finely ground non-lean beef that would fit well in a greasier kind of chili, just without the seasonings and spices (the flavour-part).
Overall. Would I recommend Taco Bel-GAWD, of course not.
This is not good food, it's about as authentically Mexican/Latin cuisine as a sushi roll, and despite finishing those four items in one sitting I was still unnaturally hungry. I considered trying one of their crunch wraps as an encore but then realized that would've meant I spent thirty freaking bucks on Taco Bell and I respect money far too much to do that to it.
My many criticisms aside, I do see an appeal as a guilty pleasure. Unlike the widespread devotion towards McDonald's which I will never understand... Taco Bell has some no frills corny charm to it. It's quite cheap (not 100 tacos for 100 dollars cheap and I sure could go for that right about now) and they have a bunch of weird menu items that are certainly inventive if nothing else...
I think I'm just not Taco Bell's target audience. Maybe it was this location's close proximity to the University of Toronto but everyone else who walked in (that wasn't a delivery man) was easily between the ages of sixteen and nineteen. And that's it right there, my Taco Bell history as well. When you're still a kid or a young adult, this stuff is gold. You get older, your tastes evolve and change, you're (hopefully) exposed to higher levels of quality... and you inevitably leave some things behind.
Maybe you're of a similar age as me and you still like Taco Bell, and I'm sure many of you are... maybe you like it for nostalgia or it's simplicity or there's just something about it that does it for you. You don't have to listen to my conclusions, I'm a snob reviewing stuff on the internet!*
*Okay, actually do listen and read my work please, because... I am a snob.
Taco Bell isn't horrible. I'd much rather go there than Burger King or McDonald's or Wing Machine or Pizza Pizza... it is genuinely far better than those grotesque creatures pedaling flashy attempts at sustenance. I do however implore you to try some of Toronto's superior taco options instead: Seven Lives, Holi Taco, King Taco... Gus Tacos are also quality. But if you're in a pinch and you just want to know what you're getting, something simple and familiar... Taco Bell has that reliable baseline floor, emphasis on floor...
...but yeah seriously it is not very good no thank you.
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Speaking of Seven Lives...
My Taco Bell Experience left me so mysteriously hungry and vaguely unfulfilled that I wandered into Kensington Market in hopes of something to alleviate this physical melancholy (or at the very least to find some new bandanas or cheap jerseys).
Neither of those apparel goals were realized but as it was only six o'clock and most restaurants in the market were open... yeah Taco Bell was legitimately so unsatisfying I actually went to another taco place to get a different taste in my mouth. This is real, I did this.
Seven Lives! A taqueria that appears very high on basically every 'Best Taco In Toronto' list. I had planned to do a full proper review of Seven Lives... then upon going in and seeing each taco was about 8-9 bucks... yeah I'm not made of airports! That's a hell of a lot for a single freaking taco...
...even if they are quite large and loaded with the good stuff. This is their pollo asado taco ("asado" means grilled... for somebody who has a close friend who speaks fluent Spanish I am Googling far too many of these words).
Kind of hard to judge this subjectively when you ate freaking Taco Bell less than an hour earlier... but I can say this is a tasty messy taco that hits the mark. I found the chicken chunks a bit over grilled, a charred taste which dominates a lot of the flavour... but it is still delicious enough where you pop the little bits that fall out into your mouth lest they be forgotten. Plenty of tenderness and flavour.
The salsa on top is also a prominent factor, with it's vivid fresh tomatoey sharpness, occasional onion bit and a bit of guacamole acting like a glue keeping them together (you don't get much of the avocado taste). Also nice: the tortillas themselves! A big taste of corn, not too sweet but it really fills up the mouth and lingers throughout every bite. Quite pleasant.
Overall! I was quite impressed and am curious to try some more of what they offer, perhaps a proper full length review will happen some day instead of this little bite-sized one. Until then, this was a pretty positive first impression and definitely a nice immediate jolt to the palette after my Taco Bell experience. Plus, they have this:
A fine collection of pennants, featuring one of my favourite bands? Bonus points indeed, Seven Lives. Well played.
Shaken, Not Stirred
A very random fact about me: I've seen every single James Bond film! Okay, that's not completely true... there are three I haven't seen (Quantum of Solace, Spectre and No Time To Die).
While I probably lean "Sean Connery is the best Bond" camp, it's fun how every actor added something unique to the role. Connery the irresistible charm and wit, Lazenby the... uh... um... Moore the extreme camp, Dalton the most like an actual dangerous killer spy, Brosnan a little it of everything and Daniel Craig the most humanized, flaws and all.
Anyhow, appealing to my love of ranking things... here's a ranking of all the Bond movies! I think it's pretty fair, although so many of those Roger Moore ones blend together I can barely tell them apart.
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/every-james-bond-movie-ranked?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us
Tuesday Tune
100th episode... 100th meridian.
That's it that's all for this week! Thank you all again for reading, whether you've been onboard since the first one or are just hopping on now at the centennial episode. We've got plenty more great places to try, maybe some not so great ones, and until then... stay warm, stay safe and most of all don't spill that mustard.