The Queens of the Stone Age Discography

 

 

Whether you love them or not, you have to admit that is one of the most excellent names for a rock band imaginable. 

 

It's impossible to write about the backstory of QOTSA without beginning in the late 80s/early 90s music scene of Palm Desert, California (a place I actually know rather well). In 1987 (great year) a band was formed by schoolmates John Garcia, Brant Bjork, Nick Oliveri and Joshua Homme. Initially called Katzenjammer, which is German for "hangover" (how fitting), they soon changed it to Sons of Kyuss (and eventually just 'Kyuss'). 

To be fair, an entire piece could be written here just about Kyuss... an incredibly influential group in the circles of metal and "stoner rock" (a term each member still strongly hates) despite enjoying little commercial success. Just their legendary "generator parties" could fill several pages, where they'd play concerts in the middle of the desert and plug their equipment into generators ("good for evading the cops but not the local meth gangbangers", according to Garcia). 

After four full length albums (two of which are truly incredible) Kyuss disintegrated in 1995 for a variety of reasons. Homme, who'd been exclusively a guitarist in the group, was looking for his next move. He was still incredibly young (22) for somebody who'd just spent seven years in a notable band, and quickly caught on as a touring rhythm guitarist for Mark Lanegan's (more on him later) Screaming Trees. Homme in the meantime worked on writing his own songs and jamming with other musicians he knew in the Palm Desert scene, leading in 1997 to the creation of the Desert Sessions (yet another project involving Homme that potentially deserves its own piece... dude likes to play). The Desert Sessions are particularly important as not just a bed for the conception of many of QOTSA's most famous tunes, but really as the origin of something so key to both the Queens and Josh Homme's usual overall musical approach: collaboration.  

In late 1997, there was some leftover Kyuss material kicking around and so Homme, along with Chris Goss (who'd produced Kyuss' last few records) released an EP split with these Kyuss songs (one a cover of Black Sabbath's "Into The Void") and Homme's new material. Homme wanted to call his new project "Gamma Ray" but facing potential legal problems from a German band of the same name, went with "Queens of the Stone Age" instead, as that was supposedly a nickname Goss had for Kyuss when they were still together. 

Josh Homme himself is an unusual character (both for better and worse) and an unusual guitar player. Very much a rock renaissance man, who approaches his craft with a spiritual seriousness. He began playing guitar at age nine but took guitar lessons from a polka teacher, leaving him unaware of many standard rock chords or even a guitar pick until already a year into the lessons. Many folks (strawmen if you will) are quick to dismiss heavy sounding rock music as just loud, basic noise... but describing Homme's particular playing as that, even on the heaviest of QOTSA/Kyuss songs, is a grand disservice to the man's talent. He has an exceptional ear for what makes a melody work, is incredibly creative at inventing hooks that probably shouldn't work but do, and his guitar style is both unmistakably distinctive and endlessly versatile. He's one of those guys you can't decide is better as a rhythm player or when soloing, and it probably doesn't matter since he'll often bleed the distinction of those together regardless. 

Yes yes, Queens of the Stone Age are of course a band and not just Josh Homme, and there have been some pretty remarkable names who have rolled through QOTSA over the hills and through the years (see what I did there). The Queens are unmistakably Homme's band, though. He's the leader, he decides overall where they go... and this has mostly been the case since the debut album. Which is not to say the man is closed off to ideas... his love of collaborating with pretty much anybody who breathes music suggesting very much the opposite. Strangely enough, this current iteration of QOTSA is actually by far the longest any one lineup has held together in the band's history, and once you gloss over drummer Joey Castillo switching out for the truly awesome Jon Theodore in 2013... this current lineup is approaching a decade and a half together. Wild when you consider the revolving door of members coming in for a song or two on the earlier records. 

Speaking of those very records, it's time to take a looksy at them. Lets dive into these masters of the lost art of keeping a secret. 

#7. Villains (2017) 

***

 

The album universally considered QOTSA's weakest is also their most recent, though "recent" is hardly applicable considering it was released over half a decade ago. Their sporadic output since 2007 is fairly indicative of the band's success: Homme is financially secure enough that instead of having to tour and grind with his most famous group, he can go off and do whatever he likes. Whether that be forming a rock supergroup (seriously, them Vultures have to make one more album soon... JPJ is getting old damnit), revisiting the Desert Sessions, producing/appearing on songs for other artists (Arctic Monkeys most notably), or just drinking enough tequila to kill a stable of horses. 

Villains reflects these many musical directions Homme has wandered down, most notably his Dean Martin inspired (no, seriously) "The Way You Used To Do". Onboard to guide this eclectic affair is producer Mark Ronson, most notable for being behind that Top 40 hit you hear a few years later and say "oh.... THAT song". Thankfully, Ronson doesn't encroach too much on the heavier, guitar driven instincts of QOTSA... instead adding a layer of sheen to the songs. This sometimes works but plenty other times make these tunes quite forgettable and same-sounding... and I frankly like "The Way You Used To Do" quite a lot despite it completely not sounding anything like a Queens of the Stone Age song. 

The album just lacks punch and grittiness. I like the prog-rock influenced "Un-Reborn Again" with its keyboard moodiness, while the very Led Zeppelin inspired "The Evil Has Landed" completely steals the record... the only moment the band sounds like they're breaking through the layer of polish and unleashing glorious nastiness again. I saw the Queens during this tour (they're an incredible live band, even if its a night Josh looks like he's having trouble standing) and the Villains songs are indeed far better live... but still the highlights of that show were not connected to this record. 

It's not great, but is a solid rock album... especially for the late 2010s when nobody wants to sound like this anymore. Sadly this is better on the surface than anything else. It's also weirdly the only Queens record not to feature any guest performances, which is what it is but kind of takes some of the fun away. These guys have done way better.

 

#6. Era Vulgaris (2007)

***1/2

 

 

I bought this the actual day it freaking came out... at the long, long gone Sunshine Records near Bloor and Yonge here in Toronto. The cute girl behind the counter suggested I also check out The White Stripes Icky Thump, which had also just been released. Icky Thump turns out is the superior record, but Era Vulgaris will always occupy a certain place in my heart, rent free. 

This is where the modern QOTSA lineup begins to settle in... that being Homme singing and on guitar of course, Troy van Leeuwen on... stuff(?), Dean Fertita on keyboards and other... stuff (for real, figuring out who does what beyond Homme and the drummer on a Queens record is usually a serious blur), Mike Schuman on bass guitar (this was his first album onboard) and Joey Castillo on drums. Vulgaris as a result plays like QOTSA's tightest record to that date, with many of the songs sounding like the turning gears in an oiled rock machine instead of the earlier haze of sound. It's extremely clean and direct, compared to the intentional haze of the Queens previous records. 

As an album front to back though, it is wildly inconsistent. The second half is much weaker than the first, but some of these are just killer songs. "Turnin' On The Screw" might be my favourite opening track on a QOTSA record ("might" be... the obvious one probably still tops the list), that simple beat while the guitar just grinds the riff into you. "I'm Designer" showcases Homme's rather underrated lyrical ability with its not so-subtle humourous jabs, "Sick Sick Sick" just pounds that dirty lick into your mind (and features Julian Casablancas singing like he's trying to escape), "3's and 7's" belongs in a Tarantino film and then "Misfit Love"... I can't resist a buildup like that and then the complete change of feel at the end. I mean, come on.

 

 

A decade and a half later (geez, really? Ugh) Vulgaris is probably best known for its ballad: "Wanna Make It Wit Chu". It's a great sweet song, and one that Homme had been kicking around for several years since one of the early Desert Sessions. Those early versions are neat as a cute curiosity, but this is surely where the song hits its full completed power.

 

#5. Lullabies To Paralyse (2005)

****

 

With one exception, I find the better QOTSA albums have the worse album artwork. Era Vulgaris is a wonderful cover and Villains is effectively creepy (not to mention the only time Homme's likeness appears on anything he's ever done... and even then it's just as a drawing by Boneface.) 

For the longest time this was my favourite Queens album... my stubborn reasoning that it was the very one that got me so much into them (right around when it came out). I've clearly become more objective over the years (how fun) and Lullabies has slid down the list. It's a fantastic album but the run of extended songs in the middle make it feel like by far the longest album by length in their canon (it's actually 2nd, miraculously coming in just under an hour. Never would've guessed it was that short).

This is the album where QOTSA really becomes Josh Homme's band, or (rather more accurately) that the world was made aware of this fact. Bassist Nick Oliveri had alternated lead vocals with Homme on the previous two records and the two had both played in Kyuss together, but Oliveri's behavior on tour (whatever it may have been, most of the rumors sound not great) led to Homme firing him. Because of the Kyuss connection and that they shared vocals almost equally, many fans at the time considered this some kind of power trip on Homme's part and once the next album, this one, came out, with the band now completely different from the last record... some were eager to dismiss this as some kind of sell-out product (an assertion well fueled by the two successful pop singles on here). 

All of this is ridiculous, of course. Early QOTSA needs its own book of footnotes to keep track of the many musicians playing where and what, and nobody could seriously have expected Dave freaking Grohl to commit full-time to the Queens when the Foo Fighters were also, you know... kind of a big goddamn deal. Frankly, I find Lullabies quite the opposite of being a "commercial sell out" record: if anything this damn thing is so long and eerie sounding, like wandering through some haunted woods knowing something is going to grab you from behind. It's unsettling! 

But amazing, in most moments. Even the "sell out" song, the out of place hit "In My Head", is a really damn good power-pop song. Meanwhile, you've got the horror romance of "The Blood is Love", the spooky "Burn The Witch" featuring Billy F(ucking) Gibbons (the band covers "Precious and Grace" with Gibbons singing as a bonus track in deluxe releases), an early killer back to back punch in "Everybody Knows Your Insane" leading into "Tangled Up In Plaid" (still a live favourite), and of course "Little Sister"... a huge hit that the band seems a bit sick of having to play all the time at this point (every band has at least one). 

Lullabies to Paralyse is sort of the bridge between the early era of QOTSA and the modern one, featuring many of the old cast members (Mark Lanegan, Chris Goss, Dave Catching) with the new (Van Leeuwen, Castillo)... and yet it sounds very little like either of those eras. Very much a uniquely haired child in the catalogue, and underappreciated as a result.

 

#4. ...Like Clockwork (2013)

****1/2

 

 

Yeah.. I have a personal story with any QOTSA album on this list, and ...Like Clockwork is no exception. I remember buying it (on CD!) when it came out in 2013, putting it on for the first time late at night on headphones (with some herbs to... enhance the experience) and my first impression was... kinda not liking this. In retrospect, I didn't get it. Many of these initial complaints were problems I'd likewise later have with Villains (except for the latter those never went away): this all sounds like its trying too hard and there's nothing beneath it. Turns out there was plenty.

Sometime in the early 2010s Josh Homme needed routine surgery to repair something in his knee. For whatever reason the surgery went very nearly as badly as a surgery can go: he developed a severe infection and was medically dead for a moment. At least... that's probably what happened. Regardless, for months he was stuck in a hospital bed to recover, allowed few visitors and fell into a depression he describes as being "lost in the dark". Once back on his feet, he brought the band back together to tour the debut Queens album, but found the experience wasn't helping recapture the passion and joy for music he had before. 

Homme considered quitting all of it, but instead decided to look into the darkness he was avoiding. The result was ...Like Clockwork, an album not easy to make for anybody involved considering Homme's state of mind. Longtime drummer Joey Castillo departed halfway through due to the difficulty. This brought back old friend Dave Grohl to fill in on the recordings but not to tour with the band, as well as former Mars Volta drummer Jon Theodore to play on the closing title track (Theodore has since become the band's full-time man behind the kit, and he's a damn good one). 

Despite the strained recording sessions, Clockwork features the usual army of guest contributions you find on any QOTSA album that isn't Villains. The late great Mark Lanegan makes his final appearance on a Queens record, his distinctive whiskey-soaked croon singing backing vocals on the Stonesy funk of "If I Had A Tail", one of the few moments the album really grooves. Also onboard various tracks to help out are Alex Turner of Arctic Monkeys (Homme had helped produce their third album, Humbug), Trent Reznor, Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters, Nick Oliveri's return on a QOTSA record (singing backing vocals on a track), and a little known artist named Elton John. Yes, that Elton John. It seems Sir Elton called up the band himself, musing that they "needed an actual queen on the record", and so he sings backup on "Fairweather Friends". 

...Like Clockwork does have its moments of fun, like the slow and slick "Smooth Sailing" or the heaviness of "My God Is The Sun"... but for the majority this is an incredibly introspective record. It finds Homme searching outward and inward as he still comes to grips with what has happened, whether it be the people around him ("I Sat By The Ocean") or coming face to face with death itself ("The Vampyre of Time and Memory" or "I Appear Missing"). The latter is the emotional peak and climax of the record and is simply mesmerizing... Homme dangling on a wire above the darkest abyss and baring his soul for all to hear before its too late... while it rocks pretty damn hard too.  

While ...Like Clockwork retains that unmistakable Queens swagger and style, much of the usual sexiness is stripped away for naked feeling and emotion. This isn't as fun as many of their other albums... this is like a long look in the mirror after a questionable week. It's a very dark record in sound and substance, and as such is probably their least accessible work. It certainly took me a while to warm up to it. This is still a fabulous album with some incredibly powerful moments, but a tough one to revisit frequently. 

 

#3. Queens of the Stone Age (1998)

****1/2 

 

The LP that started it all, and was released to such little notice at the time that it was out of print for a while (Homme has since remastered and re-released it multiple times so it isn't exactly a rarity anymore). 

This debut album finds Homme between what Kyuss was and what early QOTSA would eventually become... like an intersection where past and future greet each other. The bone rattling desert riffage of Kyuss is unmistakable here (some of these riffs are so low you'd think Josh grabbed them from the bottom of the ocean), as is Homme's evolving gift for agreeable melody and hooks. It also finds the former lead guitarist on vocals for the first ever time (he hadn't sung a single track for Kyuss) and while he does a pretty impressive job considering, you can tell he's still finding his voice at certain moments. 

Most of the record is just Josh Homme and (one of) Kyuss' former drummers Alfredo Hernandez, with Hernandez on drums and Homme playing pretty much everything else (this is the birth of his bass playing alter ego, Carlo von Sextron, which just an awesome monikeer). This is a great record for bassists by the way, with those addictive low licks that swagger their way into your mind. 

Queens of the Stone Age is very much a "nothing held back" hard rock album, going from one heavy guitar riff to the next without apology. As such, the biggest weakness is that lack of variety, since some of the lesser tracks tend to blend together (I still get a few of the names mixed up). Even if stuck in that one particular lane, however, this record does a hell of a lot with it. There is some distinctive songcraft going on here, whether it be the hypnotic opener "Regular John", the brooding obsession tale of "You Can't Quit Me Baby", the lightning fast romps of "Give The Mule What He Wants" and "How To Handle A Rope", or the downright gritty "Mexicola", where you can almost smell the gasoline in the hot desert air while listening. 

The two standouts for me however are the closer "I Was A Teenage Hand Model" (QOTSA just have some wicked song titles, eh) and "If Only" with its semi-borrowed Stooges lick. "Hand Model" sounds like nothing else here, a slowed down piece driven by a dissonant electric piano and Homme softly singing about... who the hell knows. I agree though the final minute of the song where all you hear is the grating sound of a whirring tape machine... very obnoxious! (although if you stick through it, you eventually get the recorded phone message of Nick Oliveri agreeing to join the band, which is rather neat). 

All in all, with the debut QOTSA album I find people who are also big Kyuss fans appreciate this one significantly more than myself (I like Kyuss a lot but not nearly as much as the Queens). There's plenty of great heavy guitar on this record and very underrated melody... while the overall feel of it bleeds together this is far from the same song played over and over. It's one hell of a debut, but this band (once additional personnel joined) was about to take even bigger steps.

 

#2. Songs For The Deaf (2002)

*****

 

Hey, it's my list. If I wanna put one of the greatest rock concept albums ever made in second place... well I'm probably wrong but whatever!

Deaf is rightfully regarded as QOTSA's masterpiece, and probably the greatest hard rock album of the past twenty years. The "concept" of the album is straightforward: it takes the listener on a drive through the southern California desert (the destination probably Joshua Tree) with various fake radio stations coming in between songs as a framing device for the journey (most of the "DJs" are musician friends of the band). 

Even without those interjections (and they are incredibly funny, such as Jesse Hughes of Eagles of Death Metal doing a preacher bit), this would still be a phenomenal record because most of the songs are just killers. It gave QOTSA two big hits in "No One Knows" and "Go With The Flow", which are terrific but definitely about as poppy as this record gets. No, much of this album scorches and blisters: the sheer power and muscle of songs like "The Sky Is Falling", the title track, "Songs For The Dead" (still a live highlight), Mark Lanegan's "Hangin' Tree" or the opening wakeup punch of "Millionaire" (a leftover of Mario Lalli from an early Desert Session). And yet still none of these wicked songs hit quite the way "God Is In The Radio" does, with it's trance-like melody and Lanegan warning/prophesying about a deity he's convinced is in the transistor. 

Speaking of the vocals, Songs For The Deaf employs a three-headed singer approach that really works considering how different each of the three leads are. Josh Homme brings his usual smoothness and is a nice contrast to Nick Oliveri's fondness for screaming at the top of his lungs... meanwhile Mark Lanegan was just such a goddamn legend, switching from mellow croon to hard rock soulman so naturally you forget its the same guy. 

So why is this masterpiece in second place? Well... like any long car trip, there are some points where the journey lags a bit. It's taken me over a decade to warm up to/not skip Oliveri's "Gonna Leave You", and his "Another Love Song" is probably the record's most uninspired track (for the record I quite like "Six Shooter", he sounds legitimately terrifying on it). It's a record that, because of the grand scope and idea of it, plays a lot longer than it actually is... I was shocked to find the runtime is less than an hour and that's including the hidden closing track "Mosquito Song" (another winner, I've heard rumours of concerts where Homme comes out alone and plays it as a second encore once almost everyone has left). 

Anyhow, it's freaking Songs For The Deaf. A landmark album that belongs in the collection of any fan of hard rock. 

 

#1. Rated R (2000)

*****

  

....and my friends all rolled their eyes thusly, suspecting I couldn't resist putting R in the top slot.  

Where Queens of the Stone Age was a culmination of Josh Homme's solo material he'd had kicking around since the end of Kyuss, the second album Rated R is when QOTSA truly becomes a cohesive presence. The lineup (as it constantly would be, it turns out) is extremely fluid, sure, but this is where we first get bassist Nick Oliveri's distinctive scream and Mark Lanegan's unmistakable presence.

Much of your opinion of R may likely hinge on your opinion of the opening track, "Feel Good Hit of The Summer", wherein Homme simply names off multiple drugs over a very repetitive 'A' note (it does go to 'C' though!). Myself, I've always quite liked it... the catchy simplicity of it becomes rather irresistible... plus that's indeed Rob Halford of Judas Priest singing harmony in the final chorus (he was in a neighbouring studio). 

What really sets Songs For The Deaf and R apart from other QOTSA albums are their melodic variety. Sure, every album after the debut hasn't been wary of experimenting or changing the style... but often times these less successful forays into different styles often come across as trying something for just the sake of it (it's mostly Villains and Era Vulgaris that are guilty of this). I love R so much because none of these songs (save Oliveri's two screamo numbers) sound at all like each other, and yet they're all excellent, flow together naturally and are unmistakably Queens.

"The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret" is just great late 90s alternative rock, showcasing Homme's underrated pop skill... Oliveri's "Auto Pilot" finds the gruff bassist toning himself down for a soaring kinda-ballad (it's more likely about being drunk on a plane, but whatever it rules)... "Better Living Through Chemistry" harkens back to the first album (except done with deeper intention) and gets the band into familiar trippy metal territory... "Monsters In The Parasol" is an acid trip gone wrong and then Lanegan's "In The Fade" steals the show... spooky, soul-searching, cinematic, intense... one of QOTSA's very best songs and mind-blowing when live, even now with Lanegan long gone and Homme's higher vocal pitch singing it. 

The closing "I Think I Lost My Headache" deserves mention as well, not only because it's great (assuming you stop the record three minutes early before the grating horns kick in, a deliberate move to wake up listeners who may have fallen asleep)... but that it utilizes an unusual 15/8 time signature. Dave Catching's wonderful acoustic guitar instrumental "Lightning Song" is another quick track that just adds so much flavour to this record as well. That's really why I have R here in the top spot: there's a buffet of atmosphere and melody and unlike Songs for the Deaf, I dearly love every song on here. Yes, even "Quick and To The Pointless". It's QOTSA at the pinnacle of their creative powers... they've reached this impressive height many times since on pretty much every record, but never this consistently or tightly through an entire play. 

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Since Villains in 2017, the Queens have been pretty quiet. Despite that close call with death, Josh Homme still has a knack for getting himself into trouble (which is even more of a problem when you're 6'5 and notoriously drink tequila to the point where people who tour with you hide so not to drink any more). 

Homme, mired for a while in some serious and weird family troubles, has been mostly busy producing other people's songs, like the latest Royal Blood album, while other QOTSA members like Mikey Schuman and Dean Fertita are prominent members of other groups. The Queens are playing a few shows in Europe this upcoming summer, which lends some hope that new music might be on the horizon soon. Even if their last album was overall underwhelming, they're still an excellent band, incredible to see live, and nobody really sounds anything like them. Here's hoping.

 

 

 

Ranking the Star Wars Trilogy Films - Episode I: Rise of a Menace

 

 

I've been meaning to tackle this particular project for a while. As a fan of science fiction (I even studied it in university fercryin'outloud)... how could I not address this franchise at some point? 

Star Wars is surely the most commercially successful 'Science Fiction' property ever created. Even people who have never seen any of the films and don't give two Tattooines about any of it... still know what Star Wars is and can most likely identify the iconic characters.  

The appeal of Star Wars, in my mind, comes down to its relatable simplicity flirting with a sense of magical, otherworldly adventure. This is a classic storytelling formula: the "big evil oppressive force" against "grassroots resistance", and the hero/viewpoint character being someone not even initially involved in the conflict or action. Our lead character is destined as a "chosen one" and so grows along with the adventure. Harry Potter and The Matrix have almost as little in common as you can possibly imagine, yet both follow this type of narrative progression. A New Hope is likewise just this fairy tale told with spaceships and laser swords...  and yet so many of the characters, imagery, dialogue and scenes in that film (and its immediate sequels) are so culturally iconic and endlessly quotable. Why? It's the connection with the audience, the groundedness while being taken away on a grand adventure that sells it... 

...when it works. Because there is an awful lot of awful Star Wars that has been unleashed upon that same audience. 

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Full disclosure: I like but don't love Star Wars. Hey, I'm a big Star Trek guy... and their recent severe awfulness is far more painful to me than any "meh" Star Wars product ever can be. As such, I'm not really the type to nerd out about this specific universe. Revisiting an old planet from the Prequel Trilogy, seeing a particular spaceship design or meeting a character referenced once on a TV show... it's going to bounce off me without even a blink. Over any kind of deep lore, I'm more interested in the storylines, the acting or just how these films visually dazzle.     

Anyways, lets jump into this. Quick disclaimer: this review will be divided in (likely four) parts, and will only be the films belonging to the three trilogies. I'm not including Rogue One or Solo (I haven't seen either and you'd have to pay me actual money to review Solo). There is surely a bundle of retro-continuity I'll also be missing with my ignorance of the Mandalorian show or the Andor one... sigh. Look... I'm sure they're probably both good shows but coming back to my comment about the lore: I just don't care. I'm just not a big enough fan of Star Wars to get into that stuff... consider me a detached critical outsider, and as such an objectively fair one.

 

I will get more into the details and history of Star Wars as we go through the films. We're starting bad, of course, so bring the noseclips. Oh, and there will be spoilers for all films (I mean, duh)... just in case you haven't seen any of these and yet are reading this article for some reason. Hey, you do you I just appreciate you checking out my work. 

May the force be with us. 

 

 

 

#0. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

 

That ranking is not a typo.

 

Okay okay okay, one can argue an unfairness to include this one. It's a struggle to regard it as canon within the franchise... or just as a film... or even just as a barely comprehensible work that (somehow) exists. 

Cards on the table, half the reason I'm even doing this big Star Wars review is so I can talk about the Holiday Special... because boy, there just isn't anything like it. This goes far beyond the galaxy of "so bad it's good" since there's nothing close to redeemable about it. No, it belongs isolated within its own 'universe of terrible'. Such things of this measure require unique definition.

The obvious target for arrows is the cynical half-hearted cash grab it clearly was, especially considering the time and place. How involved George Lucas was in the production of the special is notoriously debatable, as he sure has tried to distance himself from the whole affair since this monstrosity aired (hilariously spoofed by Red Letter Media's Rich Evans in costume as Lucas at a convention buying copies of the special just to destroy them). By most accounts, it was Lucas' idea to have the story revolve around Chewbacca's Wookie family and to have them interact without subtitles. While that amazingly isn't the worst thing going on here... was still a really, really, really bad idea. GRRRRGHNNNN!!! (that's Wookie for: this special is fucking horrible).

From a distance, the datedness of the whole affair stands out the most. Variety television shows were still common in the late 1970s and so a televised spectacle of dancers, acrobatics, singers, musical acts and comedy skits all blended together in a single run-time didn't seem as comically haphazard or insane as it would now. If anything, The Holiday Special has so many other problems that this misplaced format might be the only charming thing about it... at least until you actually watch those segments.

Dissecting this from an objective critical lens will lead to madness... a critical failure in reason that even Plato could not resuscitate. Fortunately, I possess skills (masochism apparently) uniquely akin for this level of intolerable jibberish. As such, I will just propose as many problems with this nightmare that come to mind before all the last bits of joy and sense escape my mind for better sledding. Here goes:

 

Problem #1: It tries to be both a variety show and an exciting Star Wars tale (failing at both)  

I'm not sure if you could call it overly ambitious or just pure cluelessness... but the way this was filmed and produced just doesn't fit. The variety show bits strangle the story (such as it is) to a complete halt, eliminating any attempts at tension or excitement. Or audience awakeness. The "story" itself is probably supposed to be silly? But even just as written, this isn't silly in a cute or fun way.... it's silly in a "random clown blocking the entrance to a train you really have to catch" way, and the dope keeps bouncing on a balloon giggling while dozens of people scream in frustrated confusion. 

The variety show stuff? Even how dated it is... just wow. This would've really impressed people in the 1920s if Technicolor had stolen a very crummy time machine. It's baffling this was even aired...

Problem #2: It's BORING

There are just so many long stretches in this thing where all you're watching are furry characters shuffle around a house, meow and growl at each other (remember you have no f*ing clue what they're saying), turn on video screens and slowly open gifts. To quote MST3K and Rifftrax legend Bill Corbett: "It's uh, an interesting idea to watch a farm animal open a present. Not sure I'd build a show around it". 

Problem #3: The opening credits

Man, the special even begins like a weird mess. For whatever reason, it starts with images introducing the characters as the actors who portray them. "Harrison Ford as Han Solo!" etc. Okay, it's a variety show, it's supposed to be a spectacle and perhaps a bit of fun, like Groucho Marx donning the greasepaint and cigar one final time to whip off killer one-liners on the Ed Sullivan show or something (that probably never happened, but you see what I'm getting at). 

But, then the credits introduce Chewbacca's family with the captions: "His wife, Malla! His father, Lumpy!" Huh....? In your credits... why are you switching from announcing real people portraying their iconic roles... into purely fictional characters nobody watching this has ever heard of... somehow playing themselves??? What does this mean? To flip it, this would be like if in one of the Muppet films the credits read: "Kermit The Frog!" "His wife Miss Piggy!" and "Miss Piggy's puppeteer, Lance Johnson!", then showing Lance in a plaid shirt grinning goofily.  

Problem #4: Your main actors (understandably) phoning it in 

This is most obvious with Harrison Ford, who while filming must've been counting the seconds he could be done with this mess and hit the bar. I hear ya, man. I couldn't watch this cluster-disaster without a beverage or seven either. Mark Hamill dials up the dopey wide-eyedness to 11 (his glow under the production lights could be a rescue beacon for people lost in the woods), while Carrie Fisher... well I only hope the distant planet she was clearly visiting while on camera was at least a pleasant one. 

Problem #5: The painful comedy bits

Here's where the special really breaks its ankles and stumbles hard into the bottom of an oozing septic ditch. Harvey Korman was a well respected comedic actor, his hilarious turn as Hedley LaMarr in Blazing Saddles surely proof of that... but here? He's beyond unbearable. Korman appears in three different sketches: in drag(?) as a four armed alien hosting a cooking show (Whose Line Is It Anyway did this shtick waaaaaaaay better)... then he returns as a malfunctioning android in a "how to" video for installing some computer thing, which the child Wookie is watching and mewling (...don't ask)... and then finally Korman is a bar patron with a cup-head (seriously) hoping to romance Bea Arthur. Sure why not. He pours a beverage into the cup-top of his cuphead. This actually happens! It was filmed. It exists. ......just baffling.

Problem #6: The music

You have circus music composed by off key farts (really), Jefferson Starship singing "We Built This Wookie" (okay not really, but that bad joke far surpasses anything this show could come up with), Bea Arthur doing a showtune about her bar closing that goes on way too long (and is still by far the best performance of the special), and of course the infamous bit at the end with Carrie Fisher chorusing about "Life Day" with a horribly dazed and awkward smile. Words do not do it justice... it's regrettable to bash Fisher for many reasons but this musical number is truly unforgivable in its dreadfulness. Watching it gives the sensation of being stuck in a time warp wherein the song never ends. That Sarlacc pit is starting to sound pretty good by comparison.

Problem #7: The... WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

So here's a scene where Art Carney (an Academy-Award winning actor... that fact must've been awarded an asterisk after he appeared in this) offers some kind of computer disk to the elderly Wookie, named... Lumpy? Grumpy? Bumpy? Humpty Dumpty? Anyhow, Carney tells Dumpy how this disk is a great show he'll enjoy wink wink nudge nudge say no more... and I can't believe that was a sentence I just wrote. 

This leads into a sensual musical number sung by an attractive lady, while the grandpa Wookie Mumpsy is clearly "getting into" what he sees... nudge nudge say no more (please say no more). For the love of anything holy, can you imagine watching this in 1978 with your kids, and then having to awkwardly explain this to them? You see, Timmy, it's like when two droids love each other very much... 

But geez, what were the creators going for by having this in the story? Is it supposed to be funny? (it isn't). Genuinely erotic? (it really isn't). Also, children have kinda always liked Star Wars you know! They'd probably want to watch a Star Wars thing, which this purports itself to be! Just.... wow. Astonishing.  

Problem #8: The production

It's not like any big studio will ever be in a rush to digitally clean up this thing (all versions that exist are bootlegs from that '78 broadcast) but even video quality aside... every scene rolls as though shot in a single take with much of the dialogue and blocking improvised. Some credit, there is a nice matte painting of the Wookie tree house (although without a landing pad how the hell all these characters keep getting up there is a damn good question)... but the rest of the special impresses by appearing to have the budget of a mildly successful children's program. It's the same flat shot no matter which performance... a problem when the overall intent of this thing (one assumes) was to visually captivate and entertain.

 

I could keep going... you can write a book about how batshit crazy this whole thing is, but staying here forever picking this thing apart has to be a form of madness and there are way better films to talk about related to this franchise... like you know, any of them (and this is the same franchise that unleashed Jar Jar Binks upon us, don't forget).

Watching The Star Wars Holiday Special is a truly bewildering, baffling experience that will leave you weirded out and very, very confused. The sensation of watching it, while unforgettable, is mostly just incredibly painful... your brain trying and failing to understand what it is beholding. While watching I had to pause every few minutes just to recollect my sanity... it's the first thing you misplace while experiencing such a thing as this. 

Perhaps the only persisting aspect of the Star Wars Holiday Special is how nothing remotely like this will probably ever be allowed to be released again. While the idea of a bizarre monstrosity like this blindly sent into the wind by a billion dollar film studio is amusing... it is for the best this never happens. Trust me. This is truly among the worst movies that can ever be watched.  

 

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With that wreck out of the way, next time I'll look at what are, in my opinion, the three worst REAL films within the trio of the trilogies. It'll be very very bad, but well above this special bottom floor.

 

This Week In Pizza: One Night Only

 

 

The unforgettably scary first year of the COVID-19 Pandemic was filled with tragic stories of so many businesses and restaurants shuttering permanently. Despite the bleak reality of those times, somehow not every story to emerge from them was so darkly drenched in negativity. 

In the Beforetimes, Riverside residents Luke and Brianna Pollard would host weekly dinner parties for family friends... parties that eventually evolved into homemade pizza nights. When COVID restrictions and lockdowns first hit in March 2020, Luke's usual gig of construction work and visual art dried up almost entirely. With all this and a young growing family (and growing further considering wife Brianna was pregnant at the time), Luke continued making pizzas just "as a good way to maintain a sense of normalcy". 

Starting up an actual restaurant (while a dream) wasn't really the plan until one day Brianna asked her husband how large his pizzas usually were, and within an hour she had ordered a bunch of custom boxes and informed him how they were going to start selling these pies from their backyard. The name "One Night Only" had been a running joke during the pizza dinner party days, and in Luke Pollard's words "I also thought it sounded kinda rock n'roll". Indeed, the Instagram account for One Night Only far predates ONO becoming any kind of business... the earliest posts just being a fun gallery of homemade pizza fare.

At first the Pollards just reached out to their friends with a tiny menu and asking if they'd like to purchase a pizza one specific night of the week. The response and resulting word of mouth was overwhelming: with ONO becoming featured in Toronto Life and BlogTo as "Toronto's best kept pizza secret" within just a few months... their limited number of pies selling out consistently every week. Eventually the support (and demand for more) grew to the point where a non-straight-out-of-our-backyard location was possible, and they opened a little corner spot on the quiet stretch of Pape Avenue just a few blocks south of the Danforth. This did little to cool off the hype, with famous blogger/culture reviewer/something internet guy David Portnoy paying them a visit in 2022 for an online video grading Toronto pizza. 

Well, I'm surely not as famed a pizza reviewer as Portnoy (he actually has a Wikipedia page, whereas I just have a Wookie I drew on a page)... but I do have my specific qualifications on this subject (bizarre as they may be). So! There's no denying the One Night Only story is a damn uplifting tale of succeeding in the most challenging of circumstances. Is the pizza itself as uplifting as the tale of its inception? Or is it more... heartburning? Ah? Hmmm, maybe there's the reason WC Street doesn't have a Wikipedia page. 

ONO's pizzas come in only one size: a 16 incher that would probably translate into an XL at your typical pizza chain. They also offer slices but that's definitely a "get there before they run out" type of deal, and since I don't live especially close to Pape/Danforth and am allergic to mornings... a full pizza appeared the safest bet. I also ordered this pizza four hours ahead of time, as while ONO's opening hours have stretched into four days a week now... they still only produce a limited number of pizzas per day and so I chose my time slot early in the afternoon to definitely not miss out. 

Another consistency is the simplicity of their menu: while the operation has grown from the backyard porch days the limited menu has remained. There are only half a dozen options and nothing (beyond a potato cream pizza) that is particularly eccentric. Well, if you've read my pizza endeavours before, you'll note that I tend to forgo the simpler or traditional options in favour of seeing how a place's creativity shines...

...no I didn't get the potato pizza. I mean, sheesh. I went for the spicy pepperoni offering you see above: mozzarella cheese, pickled jalapenos, pepperoni, with some grated parmasean and bits of basil on top to finish it.

One thing I've noticed about certain Toronto (or in general) pizza-makers is how they love to talk about the process of making their dough. Chris Getchell of Descendant likens his to a focaccia, Slowhand is going for a San Fran sourdough mixed into the Detroit rectangle style... even my buddy who makes terrific pies in his backyard wood-burning oven can chat your ear off about this stuff. Pollard is no different, describing his process in detail even though ONO is a take on a thin, bubbly New York style. The result does speak for itself: this is a tasty foundation firm enough to hold everything together, but flexible to be folded if that's your slice-eating game as well. It is on the chewier side but not because of dryness, rather the bread density. 

 

 

Besides, the sauce was what first grabbed my attention anyhow. It's terrific: vivid and tomatoey, different hints of secondary flavour (olive oil and garlic most notably), a lingering taste and very much a presence throughout the pizza. This isn't an overly saucy pizza either, nor is it a doughy or cheesy one: there's exceptional balance between those three key elements and they work together in equal measure. I can't say much about the cheese, only that you don't get much buttery flavour from it but as texture it excels at its job. 

Going into the toppings... those are indeed little pepperoni cups. What's the difference, one may ask? With the little cups, the edges tend to curl up when baked and get crispy, while pools of oily flavour fill up in the center. These are another winner, delicious when picked off and eaten by themselves (be careful not to overdo it, trust me I know from experience). As for the jalapenos... if you're looking for a scorcher this is not the pizza for you. Since they're pickled, a lot of the heat is going to be leftover in the liquid and what's left is more of a subtle sting. As such, most of the flavour of these peppers bleed into the rest of the pizza... giving the entire pie a very modest punch. The jalapenos are tasty as is, but fairly overshadowed in this particular assortment of ingredients. In this form, you'd probably notice them far more on a white sauce pizza.

A quick comment on the basil and the dip you see. The basil is a very nice finishing touch, giving a herbal fragrance to each bite (and the little strips ensure wide distribution). Now for the dip, which was complementary... very much less like a typical aioli thing and more like a thick dill sour cream. Not a flavour to overwhelm the pizza with spice or garlic (not that there's anything wrong with that), it's instead, like the basil, a finishing creamy touch with just enough of that grassy, sweet dill to give it more dimensions beyond just creaminess.

 

Time for the verdict. Gee... this might be one of the more positive reviews I've ever written, eh. Wonderful backstory of a small local business finding success, meanwhile the pizza has zero major faults? I can't find anything to seriously complain about... the only thing being that I strongly suggest reheating any leftover slices in a pan on the stove, low heat. The toaster oven did dry it out somewhat and it became aggressively chewy, while thin crust pizzas almost always reheat better on the pan anyhow (the bottom may get semi-crunchy, but the slice still remains excellent in this form). 

One Night Only wasn't a "Holy F*ing Cow!" experience, like the very, very best pizzas in Toronto will bring about. But still, this is a great goddamn pizza I'd grade somewhere in the high 'B++' range, or just barely an 'A--' (it's tricky because anything in the 'A's' for me has to somewhat blow my mind.... it's a tough high standard!). Regardless of those semantics, this probably makes it into the Top 20 on my list of pizzas in Toronto... highly recommend checking them out (but plan/order ahead!). 

 

Also, take better photos of it than I did. Blame the early sunsets of winter.                 

     

This Week In Pizza: Get Well

 

 

We're back in Pizzaland! A truly wondrous place (if only it were real)...

This time, we're checking out the pie from a purposely dank barcade near the purposely cool crossroads of Dundas/Ossington here in Toronto. Normally my inherent snark would imply that description as an insult, but this is a fine exception. Get Well is a cozy spot with craft beer, old arcade machines free to play, pinball (bring your coins for that, though), and a pizza slinging counter in the back. I mean, what else would you want out of life? It's the exact kind of place I wish would open up anywhere that's everywhere, or at least somewhere on Queen Street East in Leslieville or the Beaches. I'll be a regular if it takes me well under an hour to get there, no foolin'.

When first opening, the pizza element of the Get Well experience was handled by local chain North Of Brooklyn (a pie I've always griped is seriously overrated, but a revisit/re-evaluation soon is probably required). It had been a few years, before the Pandemic Times, since I'd been to Get Well and to my surprise, I realized NoB had vacated their kitchen for a new pizza offering... a house creation succinctly called: Get Well Pizza. Sure, there's probably no real need to be obtuse with your moniker when all of your customers are already inside an establishment most likely know the name of. Besides, the logo looks pretty damn sweet:

 

   

If you've never been before, Get Well is a rather dimly lit establishment (much like the old downtown Toronto coin arcades it is spiritually following). This provides an effective atmosphere for gaming, socializing and drinking no doubt... but for the specific purpose of capturing a picture of my slice? This retro ambiance was extremely difficult. It wasn't until after a fruitless few minutes of attempting tableside candlelight as illumination (and coming close to pouring hot wax on my crust) that my friend suggested I just take the photo on the same well-lit counter where you order the pizzas. 

Speaking of those pizzas! Lets get into it, shall we. They offer 6-8 different kinds of slice: from your basic cheese or pepperoni staples, into more complex creations with leeks, potatos, unusual mushrooms or al pastor. Maniac me? I went even further off the map, going for their special slice with beef cheek, cilantro (I think) and a pair of different spicy peppers. 

It's a bit pricey for a slice (most are between six and seven bucks, mine was eight) but to Get Well Pizza's credit they are of a generous size. And yowza, are they cheesy. The front portion of this slice was like eating a melty, gooey wave of cheese with thick peppers surfing throughout. This isn't a problem if A: the cheese is good and quality (it was) and B: there's plenty of tasty crust to pick off, bite and bring sanity to these gooey bites (there was). 

The crust itself is on the lighter side, not heavily bready and with a solid crisp crunch to it. Closer to a soft buttery cracker than a doughy breadstick. As for the toppings... this was warned as a very spicy slice and indeed those peppers don't mess around. Nothing mouth scorching (for me anyway) but you definitely feel their presence quickly upon a bite where they're prominent, and their prominence is frequent. It's a good balance of sweet spice as well in these peppers that gives the overall flavour another layer... unlike cheaper joints (where hot peppers when cooked dry out and just exist as vengeful acidity), these have the giving texture and flavour complexity of a freshly chopped issue. Quite nicely done.

Perhaps my greatest complaint is the beef cheek in here. It's tasty when you get it, a fatty bit of layered flavourful beef bits, but mostly its terrific subtle taste is overpowered by the flamboyant peppers and the, um... buoyant cheese. Just not enough of a presence to justify being the headliner of this particular slice. Likewise the tomato sauce... well actually was there tomato sauce on here? I'm not even sure I remember anymore. It very easily could've been assimilated by the cheese without any notice.

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Overall! 

I like to call particular pizzas "arcade-style", usually by a particular vibe they give off (often they're on the overtly oily or greasy side). Since this is a pizza joint based in the back of an actual-to-goodness arcade... I'd say this here is the epitome of an arcade-style slice. And... it's pretty good! 

Very filling, good flavours and consistent texture throughout... no particular element that's severely lacking (beyond whatever genius the blob of cheese absorbed while in the oven). I give Get Well Pizza a firm 'B' grade, fitting for an enjoyable pie that isn't a must try, it won't change your world, but it will hit that personal sweet spot just right after a couple craft brews and failed Frogger runs (damn broken joystick). Come for the classic games, and you'll stay for the pizza.