The Tuesday Taste: Burger King's Whopper w. Cheese (and fries)

...

 

I've been dreading this one. Ever since I conceived of the Tuesday Taste, knowing I'd be trying all sorts of fast food chains... this one was inevitable. *Deep breath*

Burger King genuinely brings back a lot of nostalgia for me. The long lost location at Yonge and Breadalbane (totally had to look up that street name, thought it was Maitland) was a usual high school lunchtime trip. Another lost location, this one also on Yonge but just north of Charles, was an occasional junior high lunchtime adventure. Additionally, a location that actually still exists(!) at King and Dufferin was one of my food spots I'd sneak off to while working shifts at the Drake Hotel. If you're one of my former Drake managers reading this... I'm sorry.

Last time I even had BK at all must've been a few years ago. I was probably desperately hungry after a shift at Roy Thomson Hall and annoyed at waiting the usual century for the Queen streetcar. I recall that snack experience not being pleasant, so I've steered well away from Burger King since then.

So... how was it this time? Well... the experience was more flavourful than the product. There was a chatty dude ahead of me in line, friendly fella, who apparently noticed in that very moment how you can upgrade your fries into a poutine for just 1.99, and so cheerfully proposed that possibility to me. It was something out of a commercial, honestly. What was especially charming, to me anyway, was the pure excitement in his realization... while I (your friendly neighbourhood food critic) can't think of anything I'd rather have done less in that moment than get a poutine from Burger King. 

Enough of my dawdling though, did this actually taste good? 

Short answer. No.

Long answer: what interests me is how Burger King and McDonald's are both bad, but bad in very different ways. Also remember this is just my opinion! If you disagree... well hopefully my criticisms don't deter any particular enjoyment you get. Here's the way I sees it though, see: I mentioned in my Big Mac review how everything from McDonald's has a specific taste to it, some unique chemical brand of addictive oiliness. I don't remotely like it at all, but I comprehend the appeal. Burger King instead sorta tastes like real food... just the most bland food you can imagine.

The fries taste like potatoes, somewhat, but the way they're fried and the lack of any care or seasoning whatsoever makes them tedious to consume beyond their simple crispiness. These are begging for and dependent on ketchup, which makes me surprised Burger King isn't really known for any kind of specialty sauces. Call me, BK.

As for the main attraction, the famous Whopper... it sure looks way better than it tastes (compliments to the cameraman). It's a "charred" thin beef patty cooked to hell and drowning in secondary toppings. There's a tiny hint of a grilled flavour, sure, but the beef is so damn bland that the freaking bun has as much flavour as the meat. It's like if you cooked ground beef by boiling it... there's no juiciness (or seasoning) whatsoever. Even the texture is overly chewy, a fleeting instant of flavour and then a minute of hoping it comes back. Just no fun at all.

Meanwhile the excessive condiments dominate the entire enterprise:  one thing impressively consistent with all the Whoppers I've ever eaten is how soaked in ketchup and mayo* they are, and that there is the flavour owning this burger. A dipping sauce sandwich with some pickles, lettuce, cheese and beef texture. 

(*I mean, ketchup and mayo mixed together is a wicked dipping sauce, especially with a bit of chili hot sauce and... oops I've said too much...)

Now potentially angry reader, you might be asking me "why doesn't this party-pooping hack say something positive?" Hey! I'm only that first thing. Positives... well the Whopper does live up to its name: it's still big and still stomach filling. The fella who took my order asked me if I wanted the 2 for 8 bucks Whopper option... geez lemme see if I wanna even finish this first monstrosity. I like the sesame bun okay, it's nice and soft (unlike that stiff McDonald's one I had) and the other ingredients (lettuce, tomato, pickle) taste serviceably fresh enough. 

Really the issue I have is that none of this tastes like anything beyond ketchup-mayo (Ketchyo?) and the mere sensation of eating something. It's not good. But! I did enjoy this more than my Big Mac experience... which made me question the mere concept of fast food consumption. To give a direct grade comparison: Burger King is a D+ for me, while McDonald's goes D-. At least the damn phony cheese was melted on my Whopper...     

Also before I go: as someone who frequents fast food joints maybe once a week at most (usually for these reviews, gahh!) what is up with these fancy menu flatscreens constantly changing and cycling all over the place? It's seriously annoying for me, trying to figure out certain prices and barely knowing the menu, to have what I'm reading suddenly change into a large picture of an item I'll never have any interest in purchasing. All these places do it: A&W, BK. McDonalds, Pizzaiolo etc. Why? Just let me read the goddamn menu at my own pace fercryin'outloud, and get off my lawn! 

 

Burnt Ends -- If you haven't seen it yet, my look at the Pink Floyd discography is up for your curious eyes. It's a longer read, but I think it (to play my own riff) does a good job getting into the particulars of each album thematically and conceptually. Plus they were such a damn, damn good band when they were on. Otherwise... not sure what else is upcoming yet. Maybe some additional food reviews, maybe something else? Shrug? Marmite.

 

Hey Doug -- Can't you go five seconds without embarrassing yourself, you desperate worm pandering to the sensibility equivalent of dirt? It's becoming seriously exhausting every week trying to think of clever ways to insult you, when nothing you do resembles any trace of cleverness, foresight or goddamn public concern. This Bill 307 clearly screams of a loser mostly preoccupied with maintaining power, while so terrified/uncomfortable with being criticized that he'll overrule a fucking high court decision to avoid it. Does this mean I can't call you a Dollar Store Trump who'd trip over his untied shoelaces and blame the sidewalk every week? Well I ain't getting "sponsored?" to do this, so... Get lost, grab your ball and go home already, you thesis on anti-charm. See you next week! Though hopefully not. 

 

Apricots In The Shot -- If you have a keen eye, you may have noticed that label in the background of the header photograph. That is indeed the St. Ambroise Apricot Ale, one of my very favourite beers since I was old enough to (legally) drink the stuff. I figured there was no harm leaving it in the shot, and frankly it's by far the tastiest thing in that lead photo. To be honest I'm not a consistent beer drinker anymore (certain vodka seltzers are just so damn good) but this Apricot Ale has always been a Top 5 beer for me. Hey, top of my head (honestly)... here are the other four!

Muskoka Cream Ale

Henderson's Best

Blanche de Chambly (with some orange)

Erdinger Weissbier (just for some international flavour)

 

Tuesday Tune -- You also may have noticed no lyrics in the usual opener... that's because this week the song is an instrumental! I confess I previously never much took these guys and their well regarded 80s albums as seriously as I should've (though I'm still not a fan of Hetfield's vocals) but damn they have some bloody awesome moments, this song among them. This is like heavy metal meets James Bond... just fabulous head banging goodness.

 

 

 

That's it for me! Hope you all had a good time, patiently endured more of my ranting than usual (sorry not sorry), and stay tuned for more fun stuff here in the future! Until then, please treat each other well, be kind and tip your servers well if you're heading out on a patio here in Toronto. Love one another and don't spill the mustard.