The Tuesday Taste: Jollibee

 

 

 

You've been counting weekends

Never getting dressed

Speaking in third person

and trying to forget 

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! Bit of a woozy one this week... certainly not intended as such, but lets just say my first draft needed some tweaks thanks to... self-induced influences.

I'm fine now, as I re-write this at the last possible moment Tuesday morning. I mean... now my sentences actually make sense! My diction has direction! Well, more than usual. Anyhow, onto Jollibee and my quips on the bizarre trip away from there.

There was significant hooplah when Jollibee opened their first Toronto location a few years back. We're talking hour long lineups around the block. In North York! Maybe I've been in the east end too long, but all I know of North York is Mel Lastman, a historically pointless subway extension, the 401 highway and some weird theatre on Yonge that proudly showed the same hit show for two decades. If I'm missing anything, please do let me know.

Jollibee has certainly interested me since its notable landing... I mean a fast food joint that serves spaghetti of all things? That uniqueness is compelling enough. Alas, despite the additional openings of more GTA locations, here was my very first trip to this Filipino export boasting the extremely cheerful cartoon bee. A note on that bee: normally cartoonish mascots for gigantic corporations would be a target of my derision, not to mention I am extremely afraid of bees... but darn that fella is rather adorable. Like a pal Mickey Mouse would have a friendly beer with.

Some quick backstory (hey, I didn't get to do this with 2-4-1 last week): in the mid 1970s Tony Tan Caktiong (who is now worth over a billion dollars) opened an ice cream parlour in Quezon City. Supposedly, by customer request the parlour began offering sandwiches and hot items as well, which quickly became the far more popular menu choices. Within a few years, they'd focused on switching to fast food and eventually incorporated themselves... and a few years after that there were already a dozen locations throughout the Philippines and the franchise was blooming.

What is also notable about Jollibee was their ability to withstand/survive the arrival of behemoth McDonald's in the Philippines in the early 1980s, which it seems they did by offering a more Filipino cuisine styled menu. Now, Jollibee is itself a giant, with 1500-plus locations worldwide and plans of continuing expansion here in North America.

Which is where I come in. Realizing there was a location reasonably close to me at Golden Mile, I left with a clearer mind than I'd return with... away from my Beaches abode for a northern adventure to this very very popular Filipino export. 

This being my first time and all (popping my 'bee'? Sorry that sounded far dirtier than intended)... I wanted to sample everything they had to offer for this review. Unfortunately, this is a fast food chain with a lot of different stuff: fried chicken, chicken sandwiches, burgers, the before mentioned spaghetti, a Filipino pasta dish known as Palabok (it has garlic so I'm instantly intrigued), fries, mashed potatoes, desserts... even the mightiest appetite has limits, sadly.

I did the best I could, though I'm certainly intrigued for a potential second visit just to try the rest. Speaking of that desire to do such a thing, lets take a look at what I managed to order in my rapidly diminishing state this day. 

 

 

Starting with the Yumburger, an item that's a signature of Jollibee. Yeah... not off to a good start here. It's certainly superior via juiciness to any burger McDonald's or Burger King offers, and it has a different flavour than your typical blended beef of Wendy's or extra extra salt of Canada A&W... but there isn't a lot of patty here. I mean the photo above speaks for itself: why is it hiding? It genuinely took me half a minute to find the most appealing angle for that shot. 

There's also some sharp greasy aftertaste that I've experienced before in burgers and don't have pleasant memories of. The cheese is not your typical plastic processed fare at least, and there's something like a sweet tartar sauce as a sparingly used spread... so again this is definitely better than other burgers I've reviewed. I probably wouldn't ever order this again though... that overtly greasy taste is something I cannot tolerate in a burger. Swing and a miss for me.

 

 

It gets better quickly though. These mashed potatoes (my chosen side for the chicken) do my Irish taste buds a solid. I wasn't expecting much (fast food mashed? Who would) but if this actually was originally some kind of cheap powered instant potato mix... damn I'd be even more impressed. These mashed potatoes had genuine depth: I've cooked mashed before at home and in the texture (unless you purify them to hell) you'll always get those tiny thicker chunks of not quite blended potato, which these Jollibee mashed have. Also, there are streaks of potato skin in here (further lessening any powered potato mix theory) and they're red potatoes! 

Man, I was seriously having some questions after that burger... but this? I'm back in, baby! Also, the gravy moat you see is pretty good on its own. Not a heavy fatty gravy, it's very light and slightly sweet even... but these mashed potatoes were so surprisingly good I kept forgetting the gravy was there. Still was a real nice compliment when I remembered the presence. 

 

 

Something I never do, but a quick note on my beverage: the Pineapple Quencher. Very much like a watered down and filtered out smooth pineapple juice... basically a non carbonated soft drink, just not intensely sugary and it tastes like pineapple. Really damn good. While drinking it I kept imagining what type of alcohol would mix well with it, a sign of my deteriorating mind this day. I think rum was my conclusion (rum and pineapple match well, obviously) but rum isn't my jam. This pineapple drink though? Definitely. 

 

 

Gonna go straight for the dessert and save the chicken for last, because... it's my show. Duh. Regardless! I'm not a dessert guy whatsoever... I love ice cream and yet purchase it maybe once a year these days... and so this peach-mango pie (it's a strudel essentially) is lost on a tongue such as mine. It didn't exactly catch my attention... it is definitely full of its filling (that was weird to write) and there's an enjoyable sweetness to it. With a side of whipped cream, this would be divine... but on its own? To me anyway, it is just sort of 'a thing'. Entirely okay, which is only bad in that it's hard for me to write about and describe as a non dessert guy. It just needed more.

 

 

On to the main event: the fried chicken. As the lead photo gives away, I chose the spicy option over the regular, which is something I don't normally do. Again, my state of mind was rapidly falling into whichever cosmos would accept it. However, I don't regret that choice because their spicy option is incredibly interesting. The spice seems entirely in the seasoning (not in the batter, like Nashville style) and it gives some good heat. There's a nice sweetness to it as well... the closest resemblance would be those Sweet Chili Heat Doritos, except with less tang and the heat dialed up a few notches. I quite liked it: certainly different from the "doused in greasy hot sauce" approach of Popeye's or the "what's flavour?" mantra of KFC. Hell, even mentioning that last one in the company of Jollibee is a severe insult I did not intend.

For all their intriguing flavours, Jollibee certainly has flaws... and their fried chicken (while quite tasty) sadly falls into the same problems as their Yumburger. This thing is reeeeal oily... and I mean the chicken on the inside (not the fried exterior). Even a maniac like me can only take so many gobs of fat and gristle... and I've eaten sour cream-onion potato chips with sour cream a zillion times and plan to a zillion times more! 

The chicken is good, though underdone in spots... still tasting like the real thing and thankfully unlike a manufactured version intent on deception. Problem is that the grease within is absurd.

Overall! Hey, I liked more here than I didn't. The Yumburger was a strikeout, and the peach-mango pie didn't hit me in the right spot... but those mashed potatoes were astonishingly excellent, with a very understated but versatile gravy... and the fried chicken was pretty darn tasty despite the fattiness. Not that I'd rave about it, but I'd recommend Jollibee... if only just to try it for yourself. I regret not being able to/not hungry enough for the spaghetti, which writes itself as a future episode perhaps? Regardless, among big fast food chains this is a step above your generic trickery while seeming to genuinely offer various products worthy of your stomach.

 

Burnt Ends -- I finally wrote something! Well, I mean... recently. Check out my extended piece on the best dips for french fries right here.

Beyond that? Still working on the Spoon discography piece. Expect it s(p)oon..

 

This Week's Context Free Looney Tunes Image --  

 

 

Hogtown Broke --- Very unfortunate story developing here, it seems. Though as I've been fortunate to only experience unpaid wages once (and it was a horribly shitty job I only wasted my time on for a week), this stuff bugs the fuck out of me. The restaurant/bar industry isn't some oasis of easy money and minimal work as some people (lets call them I. M. Strawmin) like to assume. It takes a serious mental and physical toll on even the strongest of folks in the best of times... so when owners are sketchy about paying their hard working employees? Not cool, to say the least. I lamented Hogtown Smoke's demise from my area, but now? Obviously I'm unaware of the whole story, but paying your staff should be a top priority of any business, end of story.

 

Tuesday Sip --- We offer these at certain bars of one of my works (there are too many, I can't count that high) and so seeing them in the LCBO a while ago, thought it might be fun to review these new Corona seltzers!

 

 

It wasn't fun.

Okay... they're not horrible but boy are they not interesting. The lime cactus one has the closest thing to a distinctive flavour... light in sweetness and syrupy taste (rather like simple syrup) and there is some lime in the aftertaste. Meh... as a summer drink and cold? There is some appeal.

The raspberry one though... get lost. Where Jollibee found the right mix of pineapple and watered down drinkability, this Corona concoction tastes nothing more than fruit punch concentrate from a frozen can mixed with excessive H2O. It has a colour! ...is the most interesting thing about it. Again, it doesn't taste bad but it's just so unbelievably forgettable. Some people drink alcohol to forget I suppose... but that's not for me and frankly I like to not forget what I drink.

 

Tuesday Tune -- I can't get enough of this album. Seriously. They were already one of those bands I liked to proudly keep close to my chest... but this new record has made me a maniac. I bought this on CD fer-cryin-outloud. They're playing a gig at one of my works in late August (with Metric and Interpol, very fine bands in their own right) and I can't wait to be there (in one form or another). 

Anyhow, here's the title track of their latest album.

 

 

That's all for me! Until next time, hopefully my Monday brain catches up with the Tuesday one... but beyond that stay safe, stay well, stay together and definitely don't spill that mustard.

 

 

  

Tuesday Nibbles: French Fry Dips

 

 (photo via Umamigirl.com)

 

Trying Pizza Pizza french fries (I know, I know) a few weeks ago for the Tuesday review, a thought occurred to me: what are the best dips for french fries? As I dove into the potential options in that review, more and more possibilities kept popping up... to the point where I had to cut myself short lest what had initially been intended as a blurb end up dominating the entire review. 

Such a question always deserved its own article, surely. So here we go! Lets take a look at the choices.

 

Ketchup must be the most popular choice, and certainly without any doubt the most commonly available in the English speaking world. Every fast food joint is going to have it, either in packet form or those dispensers you have to press down on while positioning the little paper cup in the exact spot just below. Those are super fun: when I worked at Houston Bar and Grill (long departed) as a food runner, one of our responsibilities was to fill trays of ramekins with ketchup, mustard and mayo with those dispensers. Oddly satisfying to perfectly fill a little round cup. 

Personally... I'm not a ketchup guy. At least not in my adult life. As a dip or condiment it simply just overpowers anything it touches... and while I know many who like that blend of sugar sweetness with a tomato bite, it's not for me. As a dip for fries... they do compliment each other when the balance is right (or the fries are lacking and bland, which is when I grudgingly add ketchup).  

What of the other notable condiments? How do they match up with these tasty rectangles of potato?

 

 

How about mustard? Yeah, that's a weird one. There's an intense sharpness, especially with the spicier varieties, that doesn't mesh with potatoes for many people. Personally? It tastes odd, and the sting of genuine mustard doesn't really balance with a soft, fluffy potato... I just happen to love mustard so such that this pairing just marginalizes the fries as a vehicle for that taste.  

 

 

BBQ sauce? Definitely not. Maaaaybe if it's a sauce that's on the tangier side, with a good thick consistency... but even then why would you want to waste a good BBQ sauce just to dip fries? 

 

 

Any relish dippers out there? No? That's good... I'd hate having to consider any of you as severe sociopaths (kidding half kidding). 

 

 

Hot sauce? Well... results may vary on the severeness of the spice, or the thickness of the sauce. I'd suspect a more vinegary sauce (such as Tabasco or Frank's) wouldn't quite work as a dip... they're so thin that most attempts to dunk would just drip off and leave your fry watery and weird. A thicker sauce though? Very compelling.

Time for a story! One from the wayback machine even.... the very first time I ever tried sriracha sauce (the classic Huy Fong version). I was still a teenager, working at the Drake Hotel here in Toronto. I must've ordered some fries (the Drake had truly excellent fries) and, bored of ketchup, found a bottle of this strange squirt bottle in the fridge of the side cafe. So, I foolishly drizzled a very healthy amount of its vivid red contents onto my snack. Hoooo boy... lemme tell you. As a 34 year old in 2022, I like my hot sauces and am aware-ish of the range that is way too much for me. As a 19 year old in 2007, growing up with parents who are very adverse to extreme spice? This first taste of sriracha kicked... my... ass. I couldn't believe what was happening to my mouth, the sensation just kept building and building... for a moment I thought I'd accidentally drizzled poison on my food. 

Now? Love the stuff, put it on my eggs all the time. Still cooks my tongue a tiny bit, but nothing like that spring afternoon fifteen years ago.

 

 

Moving along, hummus is an option I personally find interesting. I was somewhat of a latecomer to the magical chickpea spread (we're talking early 20s here) but it's marvelous versatility (particularly as a pizza crust dip) quickly won me over. It is a great compliment to fried bread as is well known, but fried potatoes? Certain friends of mine initially called me insane (happens a lot) when I would use hummus as a dip for potato chips... which I still stand by goddamnit (especially kettle chips... that combo is mighty darn good). 

Hummus and french fries though... it doesn't work nearly as well because the density of hummus is best utilized when scooped (such as by a chip or pita bread) instead of dipped. Flavour-wise hummus and fries are okay (very heavy in starch and earthiness), it's just that the logistics of it make the pairing somewhat awkward. 

 

 

Speaking of pitas... how about tzatiki with french fries? Absolutely! It certainly works when they're paired and squished together in a gyro. Alone together? We're talking a creamy, garlicy dip with bits of cucumber goodness. Hard to imagine any fried food not pairing well with that.  

How about everyone's favourite nacho or over-priced hipster breakfast accessory... Guacamole! Obviously a good guacamole makes almost everything better, but with french fries it encounters the same problem hummus does: this delicious creation is thick and thus ideally scooped instead of dipped. Also, the corn chip has such an obvious marriage to guac... that specific crunchiness combined with such green earthy creaminess can be sublime. With a french fry, not only is that vehicle physically less ideal for the dip itself, but the dip is likely to overshadow instead of compliment. I'm sure it would taste quite good, just because it's an excuse to eat guacamole... but the fries would be an afterthought in such a scenario.

 

 

Moving along to another staple of nachos: salsa. And yes, I know that salsa is a very broad term that essentially just means "sauce" in Mexican Spanish... so don't point that out! Regardless, as a french fry dip it encounters the same issue as something like relish: too watery. I think the flavour combination would work quite well (tomato base, hint of spice and onion/pepper crunch), but all that delightful stuff would drip off before it ever reaches your mouth. If you had something like a potato wedge, now we're talking... except then you're scooping and not dipping (and none of that around here, mister!)

 

 

Finishing up on this nacho diversion, how about a cheese sauce? Yeah, this is definitely something in my ballpark. Some of you may know of Toby's Eatery on College Street here in Toronto (and as a TMBL Brewer I am contractually obligated to tell you to go check out Toby's! It honestly is a great pub). What you may not know is that Toby's used to be a small chain of restaurants throughout Toronto, with a white bull terrier as its mascot of sorts. The location I remember best used to be at Yonge and Bloor: they had a 99 cent burger (with other purchase) that was pretty darn alright considering the price, and it certainly agreed with my 17 year old wallet and stomach. 

What always stood out to me about that Toby's though was their cheese sauce: a perfect blend between overtly cheesy and offensively fake, gooey but not clingy, cheddary but also plenty creamy. I obsessed over this cheese sauce as a late teen, and any trip to that deceased Yonge and Bloor Toby's (RIP Yonge and Bloor in general) required any excuse to have that cheese dip. Incidentally, the closest approximation to this sauce I've ever had was my own creation... entirely by accident. During the lonelier days of pandemic lockdowns, I attempted to make a macaroni and cheese with a homemade bechamel from scratch. I was a little too heavy with the flour and stingy with the milk (following recipes precisely is for smarter people than I) but somehow I created this thick, bright orange cheddar sauce that tasted almost exactly like that long lost cheese dip side. There's almost a grainy texture to it... dots of cheese that didn't completely melt/merge with the cream. 

Let us jump into gravy, because we obviously have to. Not that I would recommend actually doing that... although you would smell quite appealing for a while afterwards I suppose. Gravy (of all designs) goes together with french fries pretty darn agreeably... so much so that I can't even devise a worthy analogy for it. Describing why exactly it works so well is difficult... gravy in a sense is just fatty meat drippings broth (not to slag mushroom gravy, which is also damn amazing) and the richness of it pairs well with a salted, crisp potato package. Of all places, I recall KFC once having very good gravy... it was thick, salt and peppery, plentiful and an excellent diversion from their very sub-par french fries.

Poutini's (do they even still exist?) when they first emerged on Queen West was certainly a gravy that opened my eyes a bit. Quite certain it was a mushroom one (they advertised it as vegan I believe). Gravy is certainly the type of compliment/condiment that fast food chains will consistently get wrong... or rather produce an extremely inferior version of for quick and mass consumption. For a dip that doesn't exactly cling to the fry, gravy works because the flavour of it is so distinctive and yet not dominating... a good gravy adds an extra layer of taste on top of the foundation. Exhibit A: poutine. The defense rests. 

 

 

Before the grand finale, I have to give a respectful shout to my true biggest weakness... a primary culprit in these doughier years of my mid 30s. Goddamn sour cream. I am a fiend for it, wherein I have and will sometimes plan my grocery visits around "what can I cook as an excuse to buy sour cream?". 

As a dip, sour cream is admittedly limited. On its own (depending which brand you get, I hate the Gay Lea cheap shit) the flavour is pretty one-dimensional. The creamy texture is the addicting part, to me anyways. Combined with a crunchy chip... that heavy creaminess with a slight tang is simply heaven. I've become very picky with sour cream... the lesser brands tend to be thin and aggressively sour, even a whiff of it turns me away. Western is the one I go for the most, though Beatrice is acceptable and Hewlitt's (while sometimes watery) is fine as well. Sealtest used to be my jam but a particularly moldy one lessened that love some time ago (plus I just don't see it often anymore). Personally, I'm rather glad I've become such a specific snob about it because otherwise... I could still go through half a litre of the stuff per week like I did at nineteen. Not doing that is for the best, I'd say.

French fries and sour cream are an uncommon combo, but it definitely works. Depending on the brand or percentage of fat, the thickness of the cream can be an obstacle for comfortable dipping. However, flavour-wise there's a reason sour cream is such a necessity with baked potatoes. Throw some green onions in there and what else do you want out of life? The logic with french fries is very similar.   

One final note on sour cream (I have to consciously stop myself with it, much like when I eat the stuff): does anyone remember the long lost Mel's diner in the Annex? It was where the relocated Victory Cafe is now. Mel's was a 24 hour diner-type spot that specialized in Montreal smoked meat (at least as well as a 24 hour place in the Annex could). They offered a poutine with said smoked meat, and while to be totally honest... their fries were pretty generic frozen fare and I'm not certain they actually used genuine cheese curds.... the damn thing was huge, cheap, and covered in smoked meat. It must've been 2008, I was biking home in the dawning hours after a crazy long TIFF shift at the Drake Hotel, and I ordered this very poutine to devour once I got home (the thought of it kept me going for that twelve hour shift of madness). Once I arrived at my mum's house, the sun peaking over the Rogers building on Jarvis from our balcony... the fries were ice cold but I didn't care because sour cream was the factor to elevate this post-work meal from an '8' to a '10'. I can still taste those bites, sitting in that long lost apartment gnawing on those long lost slices of smoked meat. 

 

 

Moving along, here's an oddball one: salad dressings as dip for fries. Caesar dressing, even in goopier iterations, certainly would be a strong candidate for a successful match. Fattening as all hell, but I can picture that salty, creamy sting complimenting a fry. I'm not much of a fan of ranch, but if that type of peppery sourness is your thing then likewise I can see that working. How about a blue cheese dip? Again, depending if that's where your taste buds are with such a pungent flavour (I greatly prefer blue cheese over ranch myself) but I'd say through my experiences ordering chicken wings in pubs that it definitely makes for a solid (though smelly) dip for fries.  

Time at last for the closer... which has to be mayo/aioli. Hope you all saw that coming. "Just" mayonnaise though is a broad definition and I'll agree generic Heinemann's mayo left on its lonesome is not a great dip for fries (or anything). There are deeper layers and modifications here that need to be elaborated upon. 

First off... a combination I discovered as a teen and will still stand by until the end of time: mayo and ketchup. Baby, it works. Mayo as a solo dip for fries is just thick and frankly gross, meanwhile ketchup grabs the steering wheel and drives the car straight into the sugar ocean... but together? The ketchup helps thin the eggy texture (you have to swirl them together a bit) while the mayo presence helps to cut down the assertive sweetness. I've learned you want more mayo than ketchup, something like 65/35, and then you get the best of both: a heavy creamy taste combined with a sharp sweet tomato-esque sting. Pretty good.

 

 

Now... mayonnaise is such a blank slate in culinary terms... so easily manipulated and changed by other additions... that we have to talk aiolis. Just so we are clear, "aioli" is really nothing more than a fancy word for mayonnaise, though better aiolis tend to really go wild and distinguish themselves. 

Another short tale for your enjoyment, dear reader! (and I do hope Anthony Rose himself isn't reading this, he would/should bonk me on the head). See, the Drake Hotel back in those late 2000s days I'm familiar with (when Chef Rose was in charge) had an aioli that would come with their french fries or various other shareables. Obviously it's been nearly a decade-plus since I tasted it, but I recall it being a smokey kind of creamy sauce... probably heavy on lemon and paprika. Anyhow, I being nineteen, picky and silly (as one does) would help myself to a portion of this aioli (it was on the FOH side of the pass, the food runners would be the ones scooping it into a ramekin), mix it with ketchup and use it to dip potato chips. It didn't quite work: the intense flavours tended to clash more often than not... while ketchup near any potato chip (that isn't ketchup flavoured) is clearly something I had to grow out of. 

Anthony Rose loved to (and I'm sure still does) mess with people in his down moments away from the kitchen. There was a very greasy Chinese restaurant a block away from the Drake in those days (we're talking mid 2000s) that offered something like a 16 oz burger for 5 dollars. It was so goddamn crusty and terrible even teenage me was smart enough to only try it that one time.... but I happened to be eating it in the alley behind the Drake and Chef Rose was on a smoke break. He asked me where I got that burger from, and upon hearing my honest answer asked "Oh, so what's wrong with the burgers here?" To which I had no response. 34 year old me could conjure a semi-competent joke how even with a discount they're too pricey and I'm just being a cheapo... but deer-in-the-headlights 2006 me? Hopeless. Thank goodness Chef Rose never caught me mixing goddamn ketchup into his (extremely smokey) Drake Hotel aioli. 

It's hard and probably also impossible to go example by example of great mayo-based french fry dips, because not only are the possibilities endless... it's a fool's errand to try objectively discussing such a thing. This would be akin to debating whether Greg Maddux had a better athletic career than Joe Sakic. I know where my predilections lay (Joe is a childhood favourite but pinpoint backdoor two seamers all day) but there is no "bad" answer because when comparing such high things the difference becomes a matter of personal taste and or choice for whichever reasons.

Regardless of if you prefer sweet, spicy, tart, assertive, garlicy (yes please) or any of the possibly infinite variations that can compose an excellent mayo-based dip for french fries... few other options approach the taste, texture and satisfaction of a good aioli as accompaniment. 

Anyhow, there are even more sauces I'm sure that could be explored in detail (pesto perhaps?) but this seems a good place to end. Hope this was a fun read! As for my personal favourite french fry dip... it won't come as any surprise to many but I'm a sucker for a good garlic aioli. I really should try making one some day. Until then! Cheers and happy fry dipping. 

      

         

  

                  

 

The Tuesday Taste: 2-4-1 Pizza

 

 

You've got to coax him slow

That's the only way

that he'll confess

Tell him that the truth

Will help him live with less

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! Considering the frugal situation of the past week here in WCollier Street Land, this seemed an opportune time to finally try the thriftiest of the Canadian pizza chains... a brand so aware of its exact appeal their very name is a proclamation to that fact. 

Back in 2018 I was pretty hard on 2-4-1 (I gave them an 'F'!). Most of that poisonous sentiment was at the time based on a truly awful pepperoni slice I'd had from the Bloorcourt location several years earlier (I was starving and couldn't even eat half of it... and this is me we're talking about here). To be honest, I have pleasant memories of 2-4-1 pizza as a kid. There used to be a location on Dupont near St. George (right next to the old People's Food diner/Rose and Sons now) which was incredibly close to my dad's house and Huron elementary school. Once a month would be pizza night... we'd get a pizza each (a small I'm sure, although my appetite as a child is supposedly legendary) and I'm pretty sure it would usually be a pepperoni pie with pineapple (with my dad always adding parmesan to his, which I found gross at the time... damn kids eh). 

Later on in high school days, a friend and I would often joke about a pizza place called "3 for 1" (which actually existed). A mutual friend of ours even once proposed (we were poor teenagers drinking even poorer beer don't forget) that sometime we should order from a spot he knew called "4 for 1 Pizza", which I can only imagine serves a pie that doubles as a flotation device. 

Now, many years (and many pizzas) later, we're coming back for an honest review of 2-4-1. As I often like to, this is where I'd provide some backstory on the history of this franchise... except there is nearly nothing the internet can tell me about them. I am not kidding... aside from headquartering in Scarborough and opening in 1986... the rest of their "About Us" section just goes on about the incredibly high quality ingredients (yeah right) they use. Perhaps their origin story just isn't particularly remarkable? Now there's a joke that writes itself. 

Straight into this thrifty pizza (thriftza?). First off, it smells pretty good. I mean, it is pizza after all... a scent that objectively is on par with fresh laundry, a garden after a rainfall and cookies emerging from an oven. As a tribute to those pizzas my dad and I used to get, I decided on a three topping option with pepperoni, pineapple and bacon (no parmesan though).

Starting with the sauce.... yikes. It's absolutely dreadful. You know those Primo brand "pizza squeeze" bottles certain grocery stores have? Or Lunchables pizza? This is like that. The processed cheese slice of pizza sauce: liquidy, tastes closer to ketchup than tomatoes (there's no lingering sting to it at all), while the flavour is one dimensional, lacks aftertaste and is just unpleasant by how unreal it is. There is nothing fresh about this, no barest resemblance of in-house preparation or of real food here. Sure enough, as I was waiting for my pie I saw one of the cooks pour a big bag of this "tomato" sauce into one of their bins... and it came out as smoothly as a carton of skim milk. Appallingly bad stuff. 

Thankfully, the rest of the pizza does significantly better. It's a doughier type of pizza, which I might be more fond of than others, and while the bread of this pizza tastes fleeting and rather artificial (a running theme here) at least the end result texture-wise is positive. Likewise, the cheese is soft and very well balanced: not dense like a brick (*cough* Domino's *cough*) or flighty and flavourless like Pizza Pizza. This actually tastes like okay-ish mozzarella, doesn't completely dry out once the pie gets cold, and the coverage throughout is on point. Easily the best part of this. 

As for the toppings... they rose above my primary concern going into this: excessive greasiness. This is certainly oily in places, but again that soft mozzarella does a good job of not making this a "oil dripping off every slice" type of affair. Don't get me wrong, those type of pizzas can be delicious... I just wouldn't trust this particular pizza chain to pull that off successfully. 

The pepperoni is as generic as it gets... mediocre pepperyness and no nuance in taste or texture. It's a paint by numbers affair, though slightly crispy on the edges and soft in the cups (at least it's something). The bacon is bacon crumble, so meh. The pineapple though... extremely weird, like you can taste the can in some of those bits. They're semi-stiff and rubbery in some bites also... if you're a militant "no pineapple on pizza" type of person, this particular example would make for good ammunition. 

Overall! It's not a good pizza and I cannot recommend it... unless you find yourself like I was this weekend with about fifteen bucks left in the bank account. To be fair, this was better than I expected 2-4-1 to be. Aside from the horrible sauce the rest of this was entirely acceptable as food (though I was suspiciously still hungry even after wolfing down this whole thing). It's definitely better than Pizza Pizza because it actually has flavour, and I might even take it pound for pound over Domino's as well (though Domino's wins if they're both fresh). For a grade, this is probably between a 'C--' or a 'D++' on my pizza scale. It ain't great, doubt I go back anytime soon... but I've had worse and the nostalgia will always be fun. 

As for next week, I swear I'll review something better and more interesting. Such is long overdue. 

 

Burnt Ends -- Feels odd to toot my own horn as it were (though that's what this weekly section of the review is, I suppose), but I was intrigued by last week's bit about fry dips so much that I'm angling to write an entire piece about all the various options/possibilities for dipping fries. Stay tuned for that! Otherwise, the usual projects are progressing at the usual speeds.

 

Double Double Spy And Trouble -- In a story that doesn't seem to be getting nearly any attention at all, it seems Canada's favourite coffee chain has been up to some pretty shady doings. I mean hell, that link I just shared is an article from an American newspaper. I haven't seen CBC or any of our local news outlets report on this. Whatever, I don't drink coffee and I've already reviewed Tim's food (it kinda sucks). 

 

This Week's No Context Looney Tunes Image -- 

 

   

Tuesday Tune -- I wouldn't call them Canada's greatest band, but they sure as hell have to be Canada's most iconic one. I'll never forget their last ever concert: I was playing baseball that day and afterwards every car in the parking lot near the field had the radio broadcasting that concert while we all drank beers together. A wonderful moment and night nestled fondly in my memory. 

Here's a tune from their excellent 1992 record Fully Completely.

 

  

That's it for this thrifty edition of the TT! After the past couple weeks of bland chicken sandwiches and bargain shelf pizza pie, next week will definitely be something to reawaken the dormant palette. Until then, be safe, be well, enjoy the emerging summer and don't spill that mustard.  

 

            

The Tuesday Taste: Pizza Pizza Chicken Sandwich (w. Fries)

 

 

I was a heartbeat on the danger side

Just had to see

what it all was like

Put your nose in that

oh yeah

Although you try to sidestep

Merchants of soul don't let  

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! In what was an extremely discouraging week here in Ontario, what with the majority of eligible voters clearly not giving two shits about anything... we've still got a weekly food review here to warm the spirits and, dare I say... perhaps bring a little joy and positivity to our jaded hearts. This week, we've got...

...Pizza Pizza???? Oh gawd! Life is just a cruel f-king joke isn't it????

Okay okay, enough with the doom for now. There will be plenty of time for that (about four more years I estimate). Fortunately, I'm not reviewing an actual pizza from Cardboard Inc-I mean... Pizza Pizza. Instead, this is a somewhat new item of theirs: a fried chicken sandwich. Surely such a classically delicious item such as this couldn't be catastrophically bungled in even the most incompetent hands, right? Right?

Pizza Pizza first originated here in Toronto, Ontario in 1967... which you may note is the last time the cursed Toronto Maple Leafs won a Stanley Cup. Coincidence? The original location is actually just a few blocks east from where I went to high school: Wellesley Avenue just off of Parliament Street. There is also a gigantic graveyard just north of there. Coincidence??? Okay I'll stop.

While among my fellow Toronto dwellers it seems like there's a Pizza Pizza at every damn turn of this city, this is not exactly the case for the rest of Canada. Indeed, in my brief time living in Montreal in the late 2000s, I recall seeing just one Pizza Pizza (right on Sherbrooke near the touristy part of town, definitely not a coincidence). Meanwhile in Western Canada, the company's 2007 acquisition of Pizza 73 (an Alberta chain) and their 80+ locations is by far their strongest foothold in that part of the country. Searching for actual Pizza Pizzas (geez that's a ridiculous thing to write) on their website results in hardly a dozen locations in BC and just three in Alberta. The Maritimes is also a region of lessening success for the brand: zero locations in Prince Edward Island or Newfoundland, two in New Brunswick and five in Nova Scotia. While Quebec and Manitoba do seem to have a few dozen outposts respectively... like the Ford family Pizza Pizza seems to very much be an Ontario thing. Hooooooray for us. 

Still... as bad as they might be... that comparison is somewhat unfair... to Pizza Pizza of course. And while I'd have to be desert island levels of hungry to actually want to eat their title dish, this time we're going in fresh clean slate to try this chicken and fries offering. So... on my first day off in ten... I wandered out into the rain, up a hill, then back down the hill... then up the same hill again (I'd forgotten my money) to the local Pizza Pizza spot on Kingston Road.

Starting off with these fries... now I'm sure at some point in my life I've had Pizza Pizza fries before. I mean, come on... there are so many situations where this could've happened that I simply just don't recall. A friend's party! Late night drunk food! High school lunchtime adventure! Whatever or whenever that was, I had an idea of what they were which proved to be completely incorrect. It's entirely possible they'd changed something up during the potentially several years since I tried them, but I was expecting fairly generic frozen-quality pub fries, likely overcooked and heavy with the seasoning salt. 

Instead, and as the photo shows, these are fairly thin... shoestring style almost... and cooked fairly consistently throughout. Their greatest attribute is their crispiness: not overtly oily (or gross) like McDonald's, but a similar light satisfying texture to each fry. Weird to say it, but these were surprisingly good! Well, maybe 'good' is a bit much. Decent, for sure... at least on texture. 

As for flavour... this is where it all falls apart. I appreciate that these fries don't have that caked in grease taste of McDonald's, or that awful artificial staleness of KFC. Problem is, these don't taste like a whole lot in either direction. They're criminally under-seasoned, there's a vague hint of potato mixed with almost lard (probably the fryer) and even that is a quickly fleeting sensation. Enjoyable enough when fresh, crispy and sizzling from a fryer (and if you're insanely hungry) but once these go cold and stiffen up a bit... it becomes a problem. A good attempt at least...  enjoyable in a one-dimensional way. 

Onto the very thing that caught my eye enough to make this review... the chicken sandwich. Pizza Pizza offers a few "different" ones: a creamy garlic one (in my photo above), an "original" one and then a spicy sriracha option. Each is the exact same price and it doesn't take any kind of keen perceptive eye to figure out the only variation between these is the particular sauce each sandwich is slathered with. 

If this had indeed been 'slathered' with the legendary Pizza Pizza garlic dip, that would've been a decadent positive. Alas... while here that is the very same sauce, it is barely noticeable on this thing. Much like when you make a grilled cheese sandwich with a mayo spread (don't ask me how I know), the sauce tends to lose its thick cohesiveness on the grill and thus its presence is greatly diminished. A shame, because this chicken desperately needs something to distract you from how uninteresting it is. Not something you can say about fried chicken very often, yet here we are. This is like "somebody running out the clock at a job they hate" level of uninteresting (again, don't ask me how I know). 

I get this isn't a "spicy" chicken sandwich, but even so can we at least get a little bit of something in this thing? Some pepper? Herbs or subtle spices baked into the batter? Beyond mere crunch the chicken in this chicken sandwich is just so unbelievably bland. It has that taste of cheap chicken fingers you overpay for at a concert venue: it does the job when you're drunk, hungry and in awe of an awesome show... but even then you still need all that precious plum sauce. This sandwich is exactly like that, except the chicken is in circular form and two buns of bread are there to absorb any sauce or moisture you're hoping will save you. At least the buns are okay... bready and soft. 

This very, very mediocre quality of fried chicken could be salvaged by better complimentary toppings, such as more sauce... (duh) or just having secondary toppings at all. There are sliced pickles on here, but they're so thin, tiny and minimal that you taste their presence for two bites (the best two bites of the sandwich, also not a coincidence). Considering Pizza Pizza is, you know, a pizza place... I'm a bit surprised there isn't any cheese on here. Sure, their pizza cheese is extremely goddamn awful but I figure they have plenty of it laying around... a bit of it melted on here would at least add some extra layer of taste between the disinterested crunchy fried chicken and the faint taste of oozing garlic dip. 

Overall... a hard no on this chicken sandwich. I wasn't expecting much, but this is exactly how to not get people to ever try this a second time. There's just no flavour here whatsoever... hell I ate this thing three hours ago as I type this and I'm seriously struggling to describe anything notable about the taste beyond simple blandness. The fries likewise were lacking in the taste department, but at least as a simpler side item when all you've got to offer is texture you can get away with it. Seeing as their "spicy" chicken option is almost certainly the same chicken with just a spicy mayo oozing out instead... I think we can call Pizza Pizza's foray into fried chicken sandwiches a very forgettable failure. 

 

Burnt Ends -- I am finally forever done with this. Normally I don't like to swear in my writing, honestly. This show did things to me. Bad, bad things. Without exaggeration, one of the dumbest, most insulting and worst things I've ever watched.

If you missed it, last week was the 50th Tuesday review! We took a look at Wendy's new breakfast menu, it was interesting.

I've got something else cooking in the works, more on that when we get to the tune of the week. 

 

This Week's No Context Looney Tunes Image -- 

 

 

Philip J. Fry -- Trying out fries this week, the thought occurred to me: what is the best dip for french fries? Lets briefly explore the common options:

Ketchup surely must be the most popular choice, and without any doubt the most commonly available in English speaking communities. Every fast food joint is going to have it, either in packet form or those dispensers you have to press down on while positioning the little paper cup in the exact spot just below. 

Personally... I'm not a ketchup guy. At least not in my adult life. As a dip or condiment it simply just overpowers anything you add it to... and while I know many who like that blend of sugar sweetness with a tomato bite... it's never my first choice. As a dip for fries though... again not my first choice but they do compliment each other when the balance is right (and/or the fries are lacking).  

But what of the other notable condiments? How do they match up with these tasty rectangles of potato?

How about mustard? Yeah, that's a weird one. There's an intense sharpness, especially with the spicier varieties, that doesn't mesh with potatoes for many people. Personally? It tastes odd, and the sting of genuine mustard doesn't really balance with a soft, fluffy potato... I just happen to love mustard so such that this pairing just marginalizes the fries as a vehicle for that taste.  

BBQ sauce? Definitely not. Maaaaybe one that's on the tangier side, with a good thick consistency... but even then why would you want to waste a good BBQ sauce just to dip fries? 

Any relish dippers out there? No? That's good... I'd hate to consider any of you as severe sociopaths (kidding half kidding). 

Hot sauce? Well... results may vary on the severeness of the spice, or the consistency. I'd suspect a very vinegary sauce (such as Tabasco or Frank's) wouldn't quite work as a dip... they're so thin that most attempts to dunk would just drip off and leave your fry watery and weird. A thicker sauce though? Very compelling.

Time for a story! It's a good one... the very first time I ever tried sriracha sauce (the classic Huy Fong version). I was still a teenager and working at the Drake Hotel here in Toronto... I must've ordered some fries (the Drake had truly excellent fries) and, bored of ketchup, found a bottle of this strange squirt bottle in the fridge of the side cafe. So I drizzled a very healthy amount onto my snack. Hoooo boy... lemme tell you. As a 34 year old in 2022, I like my hot sauces and am aware-ish of the range that is way too much for me. As a 19 year old in 2007, growing up with parents who when cooking are very adverse to extreme spice? This first taste of sriracha kicked... my... ass. I couldn't believe what was happening to my mouth, the sensation just kept building and building... for a moment I thought I'd accidentally drizzled poison on my food. 

Now? Love the stuff, put it on my eggs all the time. Still kicks my tongue a tiny bit, but nothing like that spring afternoon fifteen years ago.

There are a bunch of other popular options I could explore further, but this article is already going long so I'll save all that for another time... plus the revelation of my personal favourite french fry dip.   

Tuesday Sip --  If you enjoy an occasional (or more than occasional) beverage such as I do, you've likely noticed the increased presence of seltzer options at your local liquor shop the past couple summers. A new name on the scene this summer, at least here in Toronto, is the Truly brand. Doing a bit of research (in my typically laz--I mean extensive fashion) they appear to be a US import from Los Angeles (they have a branded bar down there)... similar to the hooplah when White Claw first came to Canada a couple years back (people were lining up for that stuff, which seems insane to me).

From what I've seen (again, extensive research) Truly is only offering two of their flavours here in T.O: peach tea and a strawberry lemonade. So lets try em out:

 

 

Strawberry Lemonade: I've had this one before recently, with a particular friend who very much has particular tastes in alcohol (he was a stout and scotch fella when we were younger). Two sips in and he was done with this, the sweetness too much for him. Myself... this is the kind of sweetness I prefer. Less sugary and more something trying to emulate actual natural fruit (I'm sure the ingredients they use to do this are less preferable). The smell is quite fresh, like a bush after a rain storm, and while there is a sugary layer that collects in the back of the mouth... this doesn't seem all that different than what a traditional lemonade would do. There isn't that aggressive bubbling feel you find in many other seltzers either. I quite like this, thumbs up.

Peach Tea: Peachy smell, which is definitely something in the favour of both these beverages: very natural and fruity scents. The flavour reminds me much more of a tea than a peach juice: a bit thin, flatter than one would expect from this kind of drink, and a leafy aftertaste that rests on the tongue. Like the strawberry lemonade, this doesn't have a lot of pop to it (both in texture and flavour), going for a more understated taste that's smooth instead of one that asserts itself. Maybe it's from having these after eating the absolute most bland and boring chicken sandwich ever, but both of these were quite subtle and refreshing. Nicely done. 

                    

Mock Tudor -- Noticed that Richard Thompson's debut album recently turned 50 years old, and so had to devote one of these bits to pay respect to one of the greats. While I've never heard a single second of that record (Henry The Human Fly), I do very much love many of his later albums... not to mention seeing him with my dear dad back in 2003(?) out at Exhibition Place is surely one of my fondest early concert memories. 

This quick article from Allmusic's Daniel de Vise gives a solid rundown of his career and some selected RT albums... while this extended work from my dad tackles every record in the artist's rich and long catalogue. If you're unfamiliar with RT... get familiar! 

 

Tuesday Tune -- Speaking of discography reviews, I'm doing one for this band! They're so damn consistently awesome, as is this song (which I've probably heard 300 times).

 

 

That's it for me. Until next time (with something hopefully less bland to review food-wise)... stay safe, stay vigilant, stay kind and don't spill that mustard.

 

 

Reviewing Star Trek: Picard -- Season 2 Finale/Maybe You Can Never Go Home Again

 

 

As written before, I came into Star Trek: Picard season two with virgin eyes. Beyond some internet videos providing some critical snickers at the expense of season one, I knew little about that story going into this. Perhaps I knew just enough for the gist of who these new characters were... but not with enough exposure to them as to draw my own conclusions, either upon that or the overall quality of the show. Those were... good times. Better times... innocent times...

This barely meets any definition to qualify as Science Fiction... because I don't know what genre this bland, vacuous, 'feeling over substance', 'vague mystery over actual plot' dungheap currently debauching the Star Trek name fits into. Actual Star Trek, the idea of which I clung to like Linus' blanket while watching this incomprehensibly awful Picard show... that's clearly gone. Long dead, it seems. What's worse, this new whatever-the-shit" isn't just beating that dead horse, it is fucking the corpse while whispering "I still love you baby! Let's have all your old friends over for drinks next week!" 

Never did I think this show could be so bad that even writing about it would be unpleasantly difficult. I feel like a trauma victim just trying to understand what happened. Growing up as a wee lad I simply loved Star Trek: The Next Generation, cherished it more than almost anything. Here in Toronto, CityTv (or maybe The New VR) through syndication would broadcast each episode in order weekdays at 11am, so I'd set our VCR to record it before going off to Jesse Ketchum school for Grade 7... diligently watching it once I got home. As an even younger child seeing Picard as Locutus scared me so much I couldn't even watch that episode for a long time. Meanwhile, the concept of this positive, fantastic future with heroes that won the day with their brains and morals surely helped dig the roots for my love of science fiction, and eventually my own desire to write such stories as a teen. Without Star Trek, perhaps I never feel inspired to write my own creative works. This has always meant quite a lot to me.

Gene Roddenberry had many flaws as a writer, producer, creator of worlds etc... but one thing he got right was wanting consistent continuity in the Trek universe. TNG (once it grew out of the original series' dated shadow thanks to Gene stepping back) still always respected and revered this source material, despite also very much becoming its own show. DS9 and Voyager likewise later maintained that faithfulness even within a growing canon and universe (and many time travel hiccups). This is because all these shows had writers and crew involved who (while often understandably disgruntled at times) at least knew and cared enough about what Star Trek was and thus how to bend it, but not break it.     

Picard broke Star Trek for me. This show, with its facade of winks and familiarites, never gave two shitty farts about any of that stuff. Fine, I could've still respected this if it told a story worth telling, but even objectively... totally removed from anything Star Trek... this was a complete scatterbrained mess. Discard all the 'Trek' stuff that spits upon its own rich, established universe and its just a nonsensical, overdramatized, pointlessly obtuse cul-de-sac. Add all that Trek stuff in and.... 

....well. I've watched a few worse things. Plenty of 'B' movies that can barely qualify as films, filled with non actors, terrible effects, confusing or just non-existent stories. Star Trek: Picard however must be the most painful thing I've ever watched. Watch a horrible film like Hobgoblins: it's incredibly tedious, bad and uncomfortable... but then once it's over you say "that really sucked" and nothing else beyond ridicules exist in your thoughts onward. Picard season 2 for me was akin to watching somebody you grew up admiring, somebody even there for you when you were really down... suddenly become a sleazy con-artist accosting women on the street corner. It hurts, man. It's heavy... jabs the depth of the soul. And in the back of your mind... you wish you'd never seen such a thing. 

Can't say I'm glad I watched Picard, but at least I now know the reality of it. 

 

...

 

.....

 

.......

 

What, you're still here? Fine. As this will be the very last time I ever write about this horrible fucking show (and possibly ever about Star Trek)... let me run down how an already terrible story went completely face first into sheer inane idiocy. Because, dear reader, I will not take your intelligence or your patronage for granted (unlike the loathsome creators of Picard). 

 

 

After episode 7, we left off... where? When? Why? Oh right.... Picard and "Young Guinan" are captured by FBI or whatever and are being interrogated. In the last interesting scene the show will ever have, Q reveals to her that he is dying. A curious situation for an entity that has experienced so much, a nearly endless lifetime of infinite possibilities, to suddenly come to grips with a finite existence. Enjoy it. John de Lancie nails this subtle fear amidst Q's usual attitude of superiority. It's the closest to actual philosophy and existentialism this show ever approaches and naturally the scene is barely a minute long. 

The rest of this.... facepalm wow. Borg Queen Agnes teams up with Ancestor Soong because... villains gotta villain I guess. Apparently Renee Picard's space mission finds something that makes Soong's genetics work invalid or something, so for the future dystopia to happen Renee must be stopped. Hey, remember Renee Picard? The astronaut ancestor of the title character? Remember her? No? Nor do I! She's been onscreen for five minutes! To consolidate this trite team-up nobody wanted, Borg Agnes (Borgnes?) assimilates some special agent FBI people so to hunt down Admiral Picard. Geezus... this feels like it insults my intelligence even when making fun of it. 

So all of episode 8 and most of 9 consists of our "heroes" being pursued by Borgnes and her super drones through the Picard mansion and eventually that spaceship they sure like using to teleport people out of sticky situations with (except when they forget they can do that, which is always). Picard's mother hanged herself! That could've actually been powerful... if it hadn't been built up so sideways with vague spooky turns and false memories and whatever the fucking shit this show thinks qualifies as mystery. Hey also, didn't Picard's mother appear as an old woman in an early TNG episode? And doesn't Picard have an older brother? Sure they didn't get along very well (and Generations killed him off pointlessly) but you think something like that might've come up over a wine fueled argument after.... like seventy fucking years? So, so, so much of the problem of this show is how it doesn't give two shits about any established history these characters or this universe has. And it hurts all the more when you're paving over a beautiful park with some bland crummy parking lot people drive through and forget about instantly.

What else happens? Who cares! Oh wait... Elrond is back! Is that actually his name? Who cares! Romulan Ninja Guy is back, because apparently Agnes programmed him into the ship as an emergency combat hologram. When did she have time to do that? And why wouldn't the Borg Queen have learned that when they merged? Is he just a hologram forever now? Why did he need to grab a real sword? Why did those Borg agents shoot bullets at him? He's just a projection of light! Why do those Borg agents have laser sights on their guns when they're trying to stealthily hunt their targets through an enclosed space? Why wouldn't these super Borgs just go kill Renee Picard, which ends up being Soong's plan anyway, instead of spending all this time chasing people on another continent who 'maybe' can protect her? Why does my brain feel more stupider after watching this?

The cherry on top of this disaster, which finishes episode 9.... Human Agnes breaking free and convincing her Borg half "let's create a collective of Sevens!" referring to Seven of Nine of course. If you're referring to Voyager Seven of Nine... an inquisitive, ruthlessly efficient hybrid character striving to understand herself and unite the best of both her worlds (see what I did there)... yeah that's an admirable goal. Unfortunately, that Seven is nowhere near this show. Lets instead have a collective of trillions based on this jaded, cold blooded mercenary who until ten seconds ago was completely human in this alternate timeline. 

Like... I'd say the people writing this are drunk but I'm drunk! Can you blame me? I'm still writing about a turd moment attempting to be "dramatic" that instead comes across as beyond pathetic. Yeah... it hit harder on Voyager when Seven of Nine discovered her parents' crashed ship... because that wasn't terrible lip service, it was a moment that actually FUCKING MEANT SOMETHING! Star Trek: Picard season 2 is nothing beyond the barest of mashed up ideas being pulled out of someone's lower region... then "Oooooo add some emotion and melancholy string music" and it's a touching scene! The scene that changes the universe! Can we have the real Borg just appear to blow these fools up? "Unworthy of assimilation". Sounds about right.

Unfortunately no, we have to get into the final episode: "Farewell". Farewell to my pain, that is.

Before we dive into that ditch of vipers... I was really curious about something. I've become a fan of Red Letter Media and their excellent video reviews, and towards Picard I've felt a kindred heartbreak with Mike Stoklasa and Rich Evans' as they likewise try to make sense of this clusterfuck. Yet, I also checked out a few Trek websites and found some positive thoughts on this season... written like they were paid for by the studio but this mess needs all the positive energy it can settle for, I suppose. For the record, you're not exactly adding to critical discourse when you merely explain the plot of an episode with buzz words instead of analyzing why you like or don't like something. 

The comment section of these paid sites was much more insightful: much of it was supportive of the show (this was around episode 6, well before the 8-9 nosedive) but most of that positivity was about attachment to the characters. I mean fine, personally I find these characters insipid and tedious but whatever, even rice cakes are flavourful to some. Few commenters, if any, truly expressed an engagement with the overall story the season was trying to tell. Some found certain moments powerful, others were curious what would come next (hell even I was for a time) but beyond the communal joy of speculation I didn't see much enjoyment of these plot threads being vocalized. 

Then I headed to IMDb and read those user comments. Hoo boy. There are films with a 3.7 rating that will still have defenders ("it wasn't supposed to be taken seriously, chill out!") but defenders of Star Trek: Picard are oases in a bitter, frustrated and confused desert. If you want to combine TNG with Picard, the "Hide and Seek" IMDb user rating of 5.4 would be the fourth rated episode of Next Generation. It's only ahead of the racist black planet one, the one where Dr. Crusher gets raped by a space ghost, and the fucking clip show! And that's not even the lowest rated Picard episode, either. 

Lets finish this fucking thing already. 

Of all the terrible things this show likes to proudly wallow in, the truly strangest one is referencing aspects of likewise awful episodes of previous series. Oh sure, the obvious butcherings of "City on the Edge of Forever" and "All Good Things" are as plain as day... but then you've got this "Assignment: Earth" shit with Laris being a supervisor like Gary Seven. Seriously??? The backdoor pilot Roddenberry only made because he was certain Star Trek was about to be cancelled after its second season? Or this stuff with Soong's daughter, where Wesley fucking Crusher shows up (or at least he "used" to go by that name) to recruit her as a fellow traveler of time and space... like the truly horrible "Journey's End" in TNG. Why??? These deep cuts aren't helping when you're slashing about blindly near an already infected wound. What are the people making this show thinking??? Who actually wanted this??? Ughhh I need something to feel better.

It's hard to talk about this final episode because... well I long ago stopped caring about anything thanks to this show... but also: what is there to talk about? All the tension is completely manufactured, the actual motivation of the characters (especially the villain) is still painfully vague, the plot has as many hiccups as this guy, and the end meaning of everything has to be explained to the audience at the end via Q and then Whoopi Goldberg Guinan. When the payoff to your contrived story arc only makes sense (and saying any of this "makes sense" is obscenely generous) because of last second exposition... there might be something wrong with your story there. I'd expect better from the producer of Batman and Robin, damnit!

There's a desperation to wrap everything together that's especially pungent here... thus the sudden and less than satisfying resolution to these plot threads. Rios remaining in the past with Doctor Lady? Fine, although it means farewell to the only new character I actually sorta liked. But "Wesley Crusher" suddenly appearing (with Wheaton awkwardly mugging for the camera) to lead Soong's daughter away on a journey through the cosmos? Again, where the holy fuck did that come from? What kind of a payoff is that? It's like if when Hagrid tells Harry Potter he's a wizard but then the rest of the novel is about Dudley Dursley's boring adventures at his school.   

Q's final goodbye actually works, only because de Lancie understands the character far better than these idiot writers do (the awkward look on his face when Picard hugs him is exactly how I also feel, Q). Everything else? Blech. The Laris/watcher stuff never interested me at all... I mean, Jean-Luc Picard has never really had an interesting romance to begin with anyway. Vash was kinda fun, and there was that scientist lady he played the flute with in a fairly forgettable episode ("Lessons")... but beyond that? The lady from Insurrection? Barf. 

But: "we have to get this emotionally closed character to realize the importance of finally opening up! Showing his feelings!" It's been done already! Can I petition that "All Good Things" was truly the end of the Picard (and Q) story? Because everything this drawn out and pointless season of Picard tries to do for its lead character was previously explored with far superior sense and craft nearly thirty years ago. The final scenes in that episode have genuine emotion, tension, because that was a story that earned such feelings from its audience. It was the final chapter of a long journey that knew how to build a simple theme through a complicated time travel story, and then peak your emotional engagement for those closing moments. This fucking show? It wants all of that, demands it even... but blindly skipped the crucial steps of building something simple or relatable amongst the pile of endless strings in their story. Complication alone does not make an intelligent story. Star Trek: Picard is like grabbing a bag filled with assorted bio-hazard trash and spray painting it a glossy colour: you've made it look like something sorta neat but then you start digging in and regret ever having hands. 

 

 

Sadly, as much as I want to at long last lock this thing away in a chest and drop it in the ocean, I have to talk about the conclusion of the Agnes/Borgnes stuff. Mainly... how stupid, pointless, disappointing, confusing and terrible it is. 

So... the masked Borg Queen from the first episode of the season (which turns out to be Borgnes) has actually appeared on the bridge of the Star Gazer to help avert a sudden space calamity that will destroy all life in the galaxy. That's not an exaggeration. Seriously. The ship's computer displays a graphic that says "Casualty rate 100 percent". 

This whole situation is so brain-dead I don't even know where to begin. So many questions! None of them explained. Are there two Agneses now? The Borg one and the one in the original timeline? They show her on the bridge in the same scene the Borg Queen appears in the season opener, technically they are the same person. How does that work? Also, is this an alternate reality/changed future where what the Borg were before no longer happens? Or is Borgnes some obscure rogue faction of the collective? How did this version of the Borg become so technologically powerful without forced conquest or assimilation? How could a giant cataclysmic space phenomenon just appear completely out nowhere? Wouldn't the absurd amount of energy needed to completely destroy a galaxy be detectable? Why didn't Borg Agnes just explain this situation when she first appeared, instead of taking over all the Federation ships in an act so obviously going to be interpreted as hostile? How could a giant laser/energy beam destroy an entire galaxy? These people know that space is three dimensional, right? Wouldn't everything in the opposite direction of the death beam be fine? How can they calculate a casualty rate for an event they couldn't even detect five fucking minutes earlier? Why don't these "science fiction" writers know anything about science? Or basic fucking writing?

Anyway.... the sneeze of the cosmos somehow transforms into a trans-warp portal thingy because... shut up. Borgnes says her Borg will be the gatekeepers of this new portal into unknown space and blah blah blah who the hell cares, none of this will ever be relevant again... and if it is I could not give less of a fuck. Then you get the most cliche "friends cheersing in a bar after an adventure" scene (which they bring Whoopi Goldberg back for, and she seems about as into this bland shit as I). The final scene is another tepid and tedious goodbye between Picard and Laris/watcher lady and bless my biscuits it's finally over! What an ending! As in, the ending was by far my favourite part because now I never have to watch this awful, awful show ever again as long as I live.     

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Peak Star Trek is about ideas... something that at least makes you think, for even a moment, about something conceptually deeper... told through compelling characters and exciting outer space concepts. Perhaps the greatest (among many) weakness of Picard is their hammering of their messages down like brute force upon a stubborn nail. It's the TV show that subtle allegory forgot... or perhaps more on brand: erased from the timeline without the slightest respect or care. 

In terms of story-creating craft within a grand scale (with established characters no less)... this was one of the worst and dumbest fucking things I've ever seen. The Star Wars prequels, silly and irritating as they are, are still fun in certain moments. There was nothing fun about Star Trek: Picard season 2. It completely ignores science, reality (they launch a lot of rockets into space from Los Angeles don't you know), established continuity, how to make character drama at least somewhat interesting... while insulting modern society to a level that would make the "uber-enlightened" first season TNG crew tell these people to ease up a bit. And as hard as this show tries to have "a big important message about the ills of our world" because that's all Star Trek is according to them... none of this is remotely close to meaning anything about anything. How can it? When your season long story-arc is this extreme level of lazy and convoluted, while delivered like a barrel of hams and fists... even the most noble point never has a chance to connect with an audience. 

Even if you don't completely despise Picard as I do... dare I say you even enjoyed this somehow... would you ever watch these episodes again? Somehow, I strongly doubt it... which must truly be the final nail in this coffin. By the low standards of an epic flop even, it fails to be interesting enough to revisit. 

 

Rest in peace, Star Trek.