The Tuesday Taste: Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwiches

 

 

 

So I'll set my eyes 

to the wind

But it won't be easy

to leave it all again

I'm just arriving

down here on the scene

Yeah there's a stranger

living in me

 

Another Tuesday, another Taste! What an up and down week it has been here at ol' HQ, and alas the very baddest day happened to be the 24 hour period I set out to try these chicken sandwiches. Better times will be described below! Until then... yeah this ain't gonna be a ringing endorsement of Wendy's.

 

Actually... scratch that. I do think Wendy's, overall, is fairly decent. And the singular strength of both these sandwiches is the exact thing you simply have to get right: the chicken. Take this for example:

 

 

This is the Classic Chicken Sandwich from Church's Chicken, which I picked up on my way home Sunday night from work. I've reviewed Church's before, and (spoiler if you didn't click on that link) thought they were quite tasty. This sandwich though... yikes. It reminded me of those frozen breaded chicken patties you'll buy in bulk and leave forgotten in the freezer for six months... that minced chicken texture with little flavour beyond the un-naturalness of the frozen crunchy breading (and a constant sickeningly unnatural crunch). Meanwhile, only wilted shredded lettuce and a stale bun was here to support it... geezus. I know Church's makes a better chicken sandwich than this, and so I will review their better options some day and most definitely from a location that isn't the Queen's Quay one. Sadly, this was f*ing bland and horrible.

 

My Wendy's experience wasn't much better, although that had to do with the surroundings more than anything. First off... I'm just goddamn exhausted. My biggest ambition to do Wendy's this week was because it's a short ride from my house and I wanted a break from constantly having to travel all over goddamn Toronto everyday. Well... Monday decided to be an asshole and blast me with a brutal west wind for my entire ride. Seriously... a bad wind in your face will make what's usually a light 5 kilometre ride feel like 15 km, and a 15 where you feel like you've been pushing hard because a family member's life is on the line if you're late. -1/10 is my review on that.

I arrived outside the Lakeshore-Leslie Wendy's, happy to finally be able to stop this futile approach against the elements. Except... a couple of handicapped fellas directly cut me off, getting off a bus in front of the bike locks. Had to stand and wait for a couple minutes... whatever. They went inside the Wendy's before I could... and... yeah. 

Despite being next in line, I was waiting behind these guys for another five minutes before anyone could take my order. Both of them seemed to be regulars (one of the staff recognized them, possibly) and yet each had multiple questions/gripes about the menu and prices. Just my luck. They weren't total jerks either... well aside from the one in a scooter telling a young staff member "You should be smiling! Always smiling!". She works at a Wendy's, dude. I love both my service jobs and still I'll smile when I goddamn want to.              

All this aggravation of wind and waiting in line aside, I finally had my food and set out to sit nearby to sample it. Except... then the wasps decided to swarm me. If you've met up with me in later summer months, you know bees tend to freak me out. To the point of severe anxiety if I'm by myself (go attack my friend instead! They're less afraid! I'm an asshole, I know). A few were buzzing around me immediately once I sat down, plus the wind was still disrupting my ability to even take a picture. When one actually landed on my fucking leg, I screamed loud enough for Bud Stage to hear me and quickly moved a block south. Except... they followed me! I couldn't even eat these stupid sandwiches. Had to move again, screaming more. What a relaxing afternoon off.

Eventually... now in an absolutely horrible mindset... I tasted these two chicken sandwiches. They were both of the breaded spicy variety from Wendy's (another mistake, I wanted one to be regular so to compare): their Original Spicy Chicken sandwich and their Asiago Ranch. 

One was significantly better than the other, although I didn't really enjoy either one a whole lot. Blame the conditions? I had fond memories of the Wendy's usual spicy chicken sandwich in my younger days, but this was extremely lacking. The chicken itself is actually quite nice... not aggressively spicy (more one that sits on your tongue instead of all over your mouth) and the flavour seeps into the entire breast. Also, the texture has that stringy, firm, juicy feel of real chicken (not the frozen fare you save for half-assed family gatherings). I would've just eaten this by itself, without the bun or frills, and in many ways it felt like I did... because there is nothing else to this sandwich, which is a problem when your patty is as flat as this.

 

 

The bun is as generically produced as they come... floppy and hardly any taste to it. The lettuce? Soft and lacking any friendly crunch... and the mayo? Gross. It's warm and thin, dripping all over this sad creation. There's a tomato but who cares. Decent/good fried chicken wrapped in a terrible tasteless package. Boo.

 

 

The Asiago Ranch one was an improvement, only in how it at least has more surrounding flavour to give it some distinction. I'm not familiar with Asiago cheese, but this definitely reminded me of a Swiss-type cheese... bit more of a chewy texture and a stale smell with a similar taste that departs quickly. (not a criticism, even though I don't like Swiss Cheese all that much). Interesting on a fried chicken sandwich. 

Meanwhile, I'm also not really a fan of ranch sauce and here is no exception. However, in this case it at least was far more interesting than the oozing warm mayo all over my simpler chicken sandwich. Plus, adding bacon to anything (and here, nicely soft bacon) will make any sandwich better. The bun on this one seemed better also, like it had better firmness (odd since this sandwich doesn't even cost a dollar more than the other one). If not for the aggressive ranch-ness of the affair, this would be a solid win. Alas... I was in an awful mood and the whole adventure was regrettable. Sorry! 

-

Overall... my recommendation is don't venture out to eat fast food against horrible wind, get stuck in line (twice) behind slow people or get attacked by bees. Wendy's is fine.  

 

Burnt Ends --  Here's where my bad vibes depart, unlike those stupid bees. I checked out Rorschach Brewery's pizza a few weeks back and decided to write some words about it. Food or not, I highly recommend checking them out sometime if you find yourself on the weird street that is Eastern Avenue. Them and Black Lab Brewing... although they don't make pizza (as far as I know).

 

The Concert -- By special request, I have to talk a little about the Spoon-Metric-Interpol concert this past Friday. What else can I say, beyond... just an incredible show shared with incredible people, both my dear friends (the legendary Secret Streets) and my co-workers doing me many a solid. 

Spoon was incredible (duh) and for a band touring a new record they weirdly didn't play a whole lot from it. Hell, they threw in a super deep cut, Metal Detektor off of A Series of Sneaks, the second record. Just a damn great rock band, giving it their all. Interpol was good too, really a great night-time vibe for when the sun is going down. I don't know them as well, so I wasn't singing along to every song heh heh. Then Metric... they sounded pretty good, but I was preoccupied at this particular junction of the evening. Apparently they performed "Anthems For a Seventeen Year Old Girl", which would've been great if I'd been there paying attention. Still... a legendary night! What else can I say. My only regret is forgetting to buy a Spoon shirt! I was even at the merch table and everything, except the line was too long at the time...

 

Tuesday Tune -- Despite just writing a couple hundred words about one of the very greatest concerts and overall fun nights I've ever had, I'm throwing a curveball here. Instead, you get something from the band that produced one of the greatest concerts I've ever worked, which happened just this Sunday. Was fortunate enough to be stationed very close to the stage, and with a co-worker who was likewise a fan (he told me a story of driving to Cleveland to see them... freaking Cleveland!). Yep, it's been a wild week. This band is simply awesome, and their atmosphere translates to a live show spectacularly well... so enjoy this live performance from them.

 

 

 

That's it for me! This has to be one of the stranger reviews I've written... an underwhelming product, tasted on a bad day, yet overall the vibes of the week were heavenly. Damn I'm tired though... and the concert season still has many legs left. But, The Taste will persist! As will I. Until next time, stay safe, keep cool, embrace the summer before it's gone but, do so without spilling that mustard.  

  

 

This Week In Pizza: Rorschach Brewing

 

 

 

Feels like it's been a century since I went on one of my trademark maniac quests to explore one of my truest loves: pizza. While even approaching the level of replicating tasting 70+ places in the span of four months is a tad ambitious (just a tad), the fire still burns within. Since my initial Pizza Quests in 2018 and late 2019, a bunch of new and intriguing pizza joints have opened and as a self-determined expert... my expertise is clearly required. So lets do it! 

 

Rorschach Brewery is a little delightful brewpub tucked away on Eastern Avenue, slightly west of Coxwell here in the east end of Toronto. They've been around for the better part of a decade now, although I've traversed the stretch of Eastern long enough that I recall before Rorschach there was some kind of specialty wine bar occupying the very out-of-place narrow house right at that bend in the road. Rorschach is certainly a more accessible destination than its previous tenant, offering compelling in-house brews with complex monikers during all days of the year (I went there on a lonely Christmas, fer Christ's sake... see what I did there).  

Once I learned they were now offering pizza (via Instagram)... well clearly I had to try this new offering of theirs as soon as possible. Several months later... I picked up one of their pies and took it to one of my favourite spots in Ashbridges Bay, hoping this would be a tasty meal before a softball doubleheader. 

 

 

A complaint I've found myself having lately with a few higher quality pizzas is how damn tough and chewy they are, especially in the centre. Like, to the point that my jaw is sore halfway through. Is this because I don't chew gum? My jaw muscles are simply out of shape? Regardless, the tough texture is the major failure of this pie. Botham's in the Junction had a similar issue when I tried them a couple years back...  you can have excellent flavour but when it actually becomes physically uncomfortable to eat your product? You're not quite hitting a home run. 

With that in mind, we can call Rorschach pizza a solid double. The intense chewiness of the centre of the pie aside, this is a quality pizza. It's rather odd that the puffy outer crust is actually soft, lightly charred and delightful, while the thin middle is tough and intense. Flavour-wise... the tomato sauce is excellent. It appears in splotches rather than being lazily rubbed into the pre-baked dough, which allows it both to become an additional topping in a way and let its earthy, almost nutty flavour to shine through on particular bites. 

The salami is thinly sliced to the point of happily and saltily dissolving in your mouth, while the cheese has that fine texture of almost expanding on your tongue with butter, as a good mozzarella should. The spice (you can see the peppers of course) oozes more into the complexion of the pie rather than dominate the overall flavour. You get some heat when you bite into an actual chili or jalapeno of course, and there's also a bit of sweetness (honey drizzle?) that cuts into the spice to provide an additional flavourful layer.

Also, a quick shoutout to the garlic dipping sauce. Definitely a thinner concoction, with a nice little garlicly sting that reminds me of a pizza place in Vancouver with arcade machines I visited with my Nana as a child. Pardon the randomness of that description, it's a specifically thinner, not creamy dip that immediately brought that almost forgotten memory to my mind. 

 

Man, if this thing wasn't so damn chewy (and expensive... I get food costs are high but damn)... Rorschach pizza would place quite highly on my Toronto Pizza List... potentially Top 25 (I've tried over a 100 spots, it's definitely a compliment). Alas... that toughness did deplete my enjoyment of the other elements, which is a shame. 

Still, there is enough high-quality craft and ingredients here to give them at least a 'B'... landing them on the fringes of my Top 50 I believe. Solid pizza with a major flaw, but their in-house brewed beer is definitely worth a trip regardless. Great spot.      

 

The Tuesday Taste: Hero Certified Burgers

 

 

I hate the feeling

when you're looking at me that way

'Cause we're North Americans

But if we act all shy

it'll make it okay

Makes it go away

 

Another Tuesday.... another Taste! Much like the previous week, it was a tight time crunch in regards to what I could try for this review. I needed a fast food chain in my neighbourhood I could eat quickly enough before working the Duran Duran show, but also something that I haven't already reviewed and isn't A&W (seriously seems like a good quarter of these Tuesday reviews end up being something from A&W).

Harvey's? Nope and nope. Fat Bastard Burrito? Did that. Burger's Priest? Also done. Subway? Hard pass. Pizza? That's been done too, plus not a great order for a time limit. Tim Horton's? Apparently they have pizza now so... I'll file that one away for another time. 

What to do? Then miraculously I remembered... we have a Hero Burger down here in the Beaches. For some reason I constantly forget this fact, despite it being close to the liquor stor-I mean the deli I like to visit! 

Now, Hero Burger has been featured on here before... their entry in the Veggie Burger Showdown last March, as well as a Proto-Taste when I tried their spicy chicken sandwich. Yet somehow, I've never reviewed their actual beef burger. Plus, now that they've recently begun offering a smash-style burger, well this surely appears an optimal time to give them a proper look.

Hero first came into existence around 2003-2004, with founder John Lettieri (if you remember Lettieri cafes here in Toronto, same guy) opening the first location in the Hazelton Lanes mall in downtown Toronto. The franchise quickly expanded, as I personally recall locations on Yonge/Gloucester Street and another in the Annex during my later high school years. They now boast roughly sixty locations, most of them in the GTA/southern Ontario region... although there is one in Sudbury and another in Montreal (along with one in northern New York state that may or may not still be open, reports are conflicting).

As most fast food chains do, Hero claims their beef is 100 percent natural, hormone and antibiotic free. I'm more willing to believe them on this than I would, say, Burger King... but lets jump into these two burgers (and fries) pictured above and see how much of a difference quality-wise there really is. 

 

 

First off, you can likely gather that I indeed ordered this new Hero smash burger, so we'll start with that. I will say it definitely has the right idea: the greasiness of the burger patty, the potato bun, gooey cheese melted into the beef... it all adds up to a reasonably fine homage. Alas, it doesn't quite ascend to the level of true delicious originality. All the elements are good but none exactly stand out, and once the burger gets cold all you really taste is that griddle grease in the beef. You get a bit of that crispy edge but not nearly far enough... as though they played grilling it a bit too safe. There is too much bun also, which itself doesn't quite have the correct delicate softness you want in a smash burger. Overall, a perfectly okay-ish burger and an admirable attempt at this style... it is notably different than their usual offering (more on that in a moment). 

Switching over to the fries (as an intermission between burgers). Appearance-wise they do look like fairly generic previously frozen fast food fare, however these were actually quite good. Not aggressively seasoned (maybe the tiniest pinch of salt in there) and there is a crucially enjoyable light crispiness to them that makes it work. On first glance I was concerned they might be undercooked and cold in spots (which has always been my complaint about Wendy's fries) but not at all in this case... not a single fry had that gross limp softness (insert your own joke with that description). 

 

 

Onto their regular burger, or the "Hero Signature" as they call it. Like Five Guys, Hero Burger is one of those chains where you can select your own toppings (with extra charges for additional cheese or guacamole unsurprisingly). However, in my Monday time crunch I also had a stop to make at the "deli" closeby, so I did that while my order was being prepared. In a way, this gave me the most standard configuration of a Hero burger since the cooks decided the dressings for me. I should've still said no red onions though.

The result of my hands-off approach is a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, mustard (though faint) and a tart green relish mixed into their Hero sauce. This relish/secret mayo sauce in fact dominates among these secondary flavours and itself is quite nice... the basic sweetness of the relish alongside a salty creaminess of the mayo works really well and is a bit different than your usual burger sauce (which tend to have ketchup in them). The cheese here is legit also... the smash burger used processed/American cheese (as they should, you need that specific melted texture) but here you get a nice slice of genuine cheddar to add a subtle punch to the proceedings.

As for the burger itself: this thing is juicy to the point it drips out once you get to the center. Not to the point of being undercooked (there's no pink in the center, unlike the speckles of faded pink in their smash burger), rather this is more like a disc-shaped meat juice bomb once you hit a certain pocket of it. The taste reminds me of a grilled BBQ burger your buddy might whip up in a backyard, except a higher end and precisely well cooked version of that. This is really a very tasty burger, despite the drippiness. A bit of pepperiness, and the juiciness allows the taste to ooze into our mouth quite pleasantly. The texture reminds me of Harvey's as well, except I find Harvey's somewhat dry externally (not remotely a problem here). Flavour-wise it thankfully avoids the oppressive char taste that Harvey's constantly has, and I write that as somebody who indeed likes Harvey's burgers. 

There really isn't a weakness I can point out with this one. It's not super filling? Perhaps... I did eat these two burgers in one sitting and wasn't stuffed... but I'm also a hungry gigantic monster sometimes also. The bun (though fancy looking) was just okay? Whatever... it was fresh enough and did an admirable job containing the many juices and sauces between its halves. This is a pretty damn good burger, and very different from other ones I've reviewed before. 

---

Overall! The smash burger was a minor miss, but the fries were fine and the Hero Signature Burger is definitely the best thing I've reviewed from Hero before. I feel like this (the Signature) is a fine middle ground between a fast food offering and what you might get in more of a fancier sit down type of restaurant. It certainly can't match the super high-end quality of a properly prepared restaurant burger, but this is far superior to the generic mince-beef approach of many fast food burger joints as well. 

It's difficult to compare Hero to places like Burger's Priest, Rudy or Five Guys, since those places are takes on classic American style cheeseburgers, which Hero is not. Comparing Hero's smash burger to those... that can be done and it falls well below that mark. Their regular offering though is a different type of burger, rather unique among burger chains I've (so far) tried, and indeed still quite tasty even almost twenty years since their inception and expansion.  

Also... this bizarre napkin certainly raises some questions (and piques my particular culinary interests)...

 

                      

Burnt Ends -- So... my long teased plan for a bonus review was to check out A&W (shocker) and try this 'famous' Whistle Dog that apparently has quite a devoted fanbase. I do enjoy a good hot dog, but alas it seems this return was for a limited time and now it is once again off the menu. Damnit! Even though there's an A&W barely a kilometre from my house and is open 24 hours and I often am very hungry coming home late from work... I'm still blaming this stretch of working ten straight nights, darngunnit.

 

Steamed Hams -- A scene that requires no introduction. And fitting for a week I review a fast food burger. Not sure I agree with the article's header that it's the funniest scene of the show (that list is insanely long) but it has to be up there. Besides, it's located entirely within your kitchen. 

 

Tuesday Sip -- It's another edition of "I've Sold Hundreds of These At Work, I Should Actually Try One!" 

Definitely a scent of pineapple on first smell... I'm also curious about the body since it is a lot murkier/not transparent as I expected. All right, lets give this a go... genuinely my first ever taste as I type this...

Hmmm... very sweet (what a surprise) and you taste more peach on the tounge. The flavour fades really quickly though... not much in aftertaste beyond lingering sugar in the roof of your mouth. There is a nice initial blend of those sweet flavours though... the can says peach, pineapple and mango and they mix together nicely (for a fleeting second at least). I can see how people regard this as a refreshing summer drink because of that tropical taste, it's almost like a juicebox with booze in it. Not quite my thing, the sugary aspects would probably give me a headache after more than one.  

 

 

 

Tuesday Tune -- You know those songs that you hear a lot at a certain time, but never get completely sick of... then you rediscover a decade later and realize you really quite like it? Well, here's one of those... bring that groove.

 

 

That's it for me! I finally have a few days off this week so... I'm going to enjoy them, as I hope you likewise enjoy these last few nice weeks of summer. I'll back with something soon, probably maybe. Until then, stay safe, stay cool, if you're coming to the Metric-Interpol-Spoon concert Friday hit me up! Also don't spill that mustard. 

 

The Tuesday Taste: COBS Bread

 

 

A rumour has it that

it's getting late

Time marches on

just can't wait

The clock keeps turning

why hesitate? 

 

Another Tuesday... another Taste! It's an unusual one this week, what with this not being something one would consider a restaurant. It's COBS Bread! Yep, for reasons even I don't understand... we're reviewing a bakery.

Hey, it is a chain of bakeries though. COBS (which may or may not stand for "Canada's Own Bread Store, there seems little proof of this beyond rumours) actually has its roots far down and across the Pacific Ocean. They're essentially a parallel business of an Australian bakery chain named Baker's Delight, a venture of Roger and Leslie Gillespie in 1980 (the Gillespie family has a long tradition of bakers, according to COBS website) that has since grown into hundreds of outlets around the world... of which Canada features a significant portion of (at least 1/5) under the COBS Bread moniker. 

COBS isn't merely an off-shoot of the operation, either. Their own website explains that many products they offer are also exact recipes Baker's Delight feature in all of their locations. It's kind of the opposite of the A&W Canada situation, where in that case the name is the same (damn rhyme) but the Canadian company is instead completely unconnected and independent from the American entity. 

One day I'll have to try American A&W and compare it... but for now lets get into COBS bakery. First off, I have to be honest and say I'm not one who frequents bakeries, um basically ever... so we're off to a good start. As somebody who works nights almost exclusively, being outside in those sunbeam moments of early morning might as well be Jupiter to me.

Problem is, the best time to visit a bakery are during those same sunrise hours... that's when the bread is coming out of the ovens at its absolute freshest and the smells of such waft invitingly through the bright empty streets. Aside from playing hardball games or a potential hot date, it's incredibly hard to get me to travel anywhere at 6am... and so here comes my COBS disclaimer: obviously you want to judge something upon its merits at its potential peak, but with a bakery you might get something that's been sitting on the rack for a few hours... obviously diminishing its quality and/or enjoyment. It's a roll of the dice what the state of your order is going to be in. Arriving first thing in the morning could've prevented this, but... again what I wrote in the previous paragraph. Hell it's 3:30 AM as I type this right now. Early mornings are pretty and not for people such as I.

Disclaimer aside... I rode down to the COBS location in the Beaches here in Toronto, right across on Queen from where the great Salty Dog bar used to be. It was 1:30 in the afternoon, well past the ideal bakery visiting hours we just established, so I wasn't sure how this would turn out. Backup plans were being formulated. Fortunately, their racks of baked offerings were well stocked and they even had multiple varieties of what I really came for: their mini pizzas.

Come now, me wanting to review a pizza? Is anybody even remotely surprised anymore...

They all looked a little dry (little did I know) but I stuck to it and ordered one of the spinach/mushroom/garlic concoction and another of the Hawaiian. COBS isn't a pizza joint (obviously) and I remembered this in the moment: I was going to get these mini rectangular pizzas as is, instead of getting them tossed back into an oven for a quick reheat. My doubts about the fairness of this endeavor led me to want a third item, which is when my eyes turned slightly to the left and saw a trio of shelves with croissants. I ordered one (spinach and feta again... I must've become Popeye for a moment there) and the man behind the counter was instantly delighted. "Those just came out of the oven a moment ago! I always love when a customer comes in and happens to order something we just made!" to paraphrase what he said quite joyfully. Indeed, he was not fibbing... it was still warm even five minutes later when I sat down to eat it... but we'll get to that later. 

 

 

Starting with the two pizza things... it's incredibly difficult for me to judge these as I normally would a pizza, because the pizza elements in here are so secondary to what this really is. This is closer in spirit to a fancy supermarket "pizza bun" than something even a Pizza Pizza or Wing Machine would barf (I mean serve) from their ovens. To comment upon it would require separating the pizza here from the bakery aspect, so I will! The bread is quite tasty but the pizza aspect is extremely underwhelming. 

Both of these reached me likely hours after emerging from an oven, but even enhanced freshness isn't going to save very mediocre (quality-wise) toppings. The spinach-mushroom offering is substantially better and more flavourful at least, with a decent blend of bitter and garlicy saltiness to keep the taste buds engaged. This Hawaiian though... extremely sad. Both slices suffered greatly from dried out toppings (prolonged time in open warm air I'd wager) but the spinach at least still had some moisture to it. Opposite that, you've got deflated pineapple that's lost all its juicy firmness, shrunken bits of bacon that exist only as chewy stings of salt, while the cheese and sauce hardly pops up in any bite (and when it does it comes across as run-of-the-mill generic fare). There just isn't enough "pizza" in here either... the Hawaiian one especially resembles something closer to an overcooked strudel than any pizza I've ever had. 

The bread somewhat redeems it. At least the spinach one (that Hawaiian is just a mess). It's a good crunchy crust that grows on you, not overtly buttery or wheaty but just finding the perfectly simple taste of soft fresh bread within. Even on a slow pan reheat many hours later (after getting home at midnight from a shift) the smell and softness is still marvelous beyond the semi-dry exterior. This isn't a good pizza, at all... but as a simple baked good I can comprehend a certain appeal because the bread is so good. Heck, the best parts of either item you see above is when there's a crispy cheese or sauce spot baked into the crust and it comes through on the bite. 

 

 

Onto the croissant! This may have been my first fresh croissant directly from a bakery in a decade (I know I know, I haven't been living). Back in my early 20s, when I would work even later into the next morning oftentimes, I'd be stopping at 24 hour spots to grab snacks on my way home quite frequently. Sometimes a place like a Rabba's or G's Fine Foods in the Annex would be putting out their freshly baked croissants for the new day just as I was arriving for junk food to finish my yesterday. The buttery smell of those hot croissants was such a treasure to me, the hunger equivalent of striking gold via right place at the right time. They had to still be hot out of the oven otherwise there was no point... you wanted it to be steaming, soft, and for each bite to melt in your mouth, instead of the edges being dry and the oily flakiness coating your fingers.

While I was fortunate to strike gold timing-wise at COBS here, this is a very high-quality croissant regardless. Any excessive flakiness one might find from something of lower quality is entirely absent: this here maintains a delicate and tasty balance of firm texture with soft feel on each bite. Extremely enjoyable from start to finish. Even the taste of butter doesn't impose, existing more within the composition of the bread and allowing the fillings inside to dictate the additional flavours. My only complaint (aside from wishing it were bigger) is how once again the taste of the spinach or cheese is somewhat of an afterthought. It's more forgivable here than with the pizzas, but I definitely found myself wanting just a bit more of what was going on inside. Quite nice when you get a good helping of it, just that those bites were the exception.

--

Overall! Would I recommend COBS Bread? Um.... sorta? It's a bakery, like I said... all of their products seem to have one particular strength and I imagine baking would be an ideal one to have for a bakery. If we're looking at the most complex items offered, their pizza options didn't impress me at all in quality or execution... meanwhile the croissant was very good and probably the only thing reviewed here I'd potentially go back for one day. At the core of it I do think they make a high quality baked bread, only that the additional elements in certain items don't match that singular positive. 

Their hot dog buns though... truly wonderful. Sadly they get snapped up pretty quickly and I'm never anywhere near there early enough. 

 

Burnt Ends -- Still planning a bonus review sometime soon, it's just been difficult during this current stretch of working ten straight days and all. One of the reasons I did COBS this week was because there's one reasonably close to my house, so I could try them and go back home before going to work. Something else new will be forthcoming in the 'somewhat soon' future, though.

 

She Blinded Me With (Beer) Science! -- Another blind taste test video from that British beer expert fella. Although, this time instead of trying various American macro breweries, he blindly tastes the exact same beer stored in different conditions of coldness and exposure to light. Nerdy stuff perhaps, but interesting stuff. If it's up your beer alley as well, the video is below: 

 

 

Tuesday Tune -- This is without question one of my favourite basslines of all time, played of course by the late great Bernard Edwards. It's also one simply impossible not to groove to. They're playing a show with Duran Duran (of all bands) in about a weeks time and I'll be in the house on the clock... very curious to hear how they still sound (I've heard good things).

 

 

That's it for me this week! Next time I'll review a proper, you know... actual restaurant-type place... probably. Until then, enjoy these twilight days of summer, stay safe, don't swallow any bees (unless you truly deserve it) and don't spill that mustard.                

              

The Tuesday Taste: Five Guys Burgers and Fries

 

I miss the East End

high up on the Khyber

And I'm the target 

for a dozen rebel snipers

It's not so bad though

with some beers in the freezer

And something fancy

in the air-conditioned sleeper 

 

 

Another Tuesday.... another... what day is it? Tuesday? Perfect! Another Taste it is. 

Please excuse my unexplained two week absence... I genuinely try to make this a consistent weekly thing but also, life happens. Without getting into specific details, a couple weekends ago was pretty rough and shook my already wobbly foundation a bit. To sum it up neatly, I blame Wing Machine and their truly putrid imitation of "food" for all of it. Such a disaster of cuisine clearly shook me up to the point I needed a week off. At least I am a new tie wearing.

This time, I wisely set my sights towards something I could at least realistically hope wouldn't suck: Five Guys. They've been in Toronto for a while now, with multiple locations throughout the general downtown-ish area (Golden Mile, Leaside, Stockyards, plus Dundas Square). Oddly enough they've been around these parts much longer than I expected... I'd assumed this was an import occurring within the past 5-7 years. Nope! BlogTo was reviewing them as early as 2011, and the Dundas Square location (which I visited) appears to have opened in 2012. Where does all this damn time go? Can I have some of it back? My legs hurt. 

The backstory of Five Guys dates back to Washington DC in 1986 (hey they're older than me) when the Murrell family (or to be specific, the "four young" Murrell brothers upon advice from whom I assume are their parents) started a burger business in Arlington, Virginia (Arlington is about as close to Washington DC as Bathurst is to Yonge Street. Possibly closer). Anyhow, according to their website, their business slowly gained a cult following in the DC area and by the late 90s with now five locations they'd run out of franchising space in the region. So, in 2002 they branched outward into Maryland and other nearby states, and the brand has just kept expanding since then... now with a reported 1500+ locations worldwide and a thousand more potentially on the way. 

Also, before I forget... apparently the "Five Guys" moniker refers to those very same brothers. A fifth one was born as the business was finding its legs. An actual Origin Story! Take that, Wing Machine! Sheesh, at least have the effort to make up one... but not putting effort into a quality product describes that particular franchise quite adeptly.  

To the food itself! This was indeed the very first time I'd ever tried Five Guys, believe it or not. I've been curious about Five Guys the entire time (which has apparently been 11 years? Geeeeeez) but never curious enough to venture out and give them a shot. Well hey, a great thing about these weekly reviews is how it gets me off my lazy ass and out on an adventure. 

And an adventure this was. I could've gone to the Golden Mile location (it is much closer to my house) but I wanted that downtown feel... so Dundas Square it was. Hopped off the Queen streetcar with my bike (like I said, lazy ass) and wandered into the Five Guys location just south of Gould Avenue. 

The customer service was truly excellent. I was taken aback as I knew going in my order would be simple, but I did not know this was the kind of place where you can choose your own toppings. Nevertheless, I always appreciate kind patience from a customer service worker (especially dealing with an awkward oddball like myself). It had also been possibly months since I last ordered a fast food burger, but fortunately I remembered my standard go-to when wanting to review a cheeseburger for quality: mayo, mustard, lettuce and pickles. Simple, nothing to overwhelm the core elements of the burger but also enough to add that secondary support to the burger. Pleased with this decision, I went on downstairs to the bathrooms (I'd been holding it in on the streetcar since Pape)... and this is where the story takes a turn. 

I'm in this downstairs bathroom at the Dundas Square Five Guys location, and somebody aggressively tries opening the door. It's locked sturdily (phew), and it's also one of those doors that will show "VACANT" or "OCCUPIED" in a little slit above the doorknob. I think nothing of it in the moment... this stuff happens (I've been to seedy bars before, after all). A minute later, the person starts banging aggressively on the door. I yell back my presence inside and hear a very scattered apology. The sense of this type of person is now forming in my mind. A moment later I also overhear him asking a stranger "do you know the code to this bathroom?" which is not a comfortable thought (bless that person for not replying). Anyhow, I'm already finishing my business and washing up at this point. I exit and this dude comments "Oh you're alive!", impressive considering I think the entire time he'd been waiting was no more than three minutes. 

I get back upstairs and look around for my order (I was looking in the wrong place, it was probably ready already) but wait for a bit near the take-out counter. The same dude from downstairs comes back up suspiciously quickly and begins causing a ruckus near the front of the restaurant. He's a white dude, somewhere between 35-50, balding, lanky and very clearly living in a different universe than all of us. Suddenly he's walking back and forth to the counter and back to a stool, back and forth, back and forth... babbling incoherently the whole time... and then the catchphrase comes. The wonderful young woman who served me (with a phone in hand ready to call the cops) asks him "Are you drunk?" to which he replies "You wish I was, honey! I'm a professional!". I... I can't even. Just, yeah. Interpret that any way you like.

Time to actually talk about this food thing. The place is called Five Guys with "Burgers and Fries" as a subtitle, so on my very first trip ever it seemed ideally fair to try those very same burgers and fries.

Starting with the fries, as I like to do (I used to be one of those weirdos who would eat all the fries first before taking a single bite of the burger... which unsurprisingly resulted in the consumption of many a cold burger). These fries remind me a lot of those cheap food truck offerings you get (either outside Toronto City Hall or by UofT campus): fried in a very specific oil (Five Guys uses peanut oil by their own account) with lots of potato skin and various sizes of fry... from tiny bits to large clunkers. 

However, Five Guys fries (man what a weird rhyme) is a superior product to any of those food trucks without question. These aren't incredible, but you at least get a nice sense of real potato in here... and the texture holds together firmly beyond just "crispy fried-ness". There's a good mix of crunchy and soft, but rarely too far in either direction. Definitely minimal seasoning (more on that later) but a good french fry can survive alone if the texture and flavour is strong. The biggest reason I find McDonald's fries simply repulsive is how much they rely on that singular greasy, oily flavour... and each one tastes exactly the same from start to finish. Blech. They taste good for about thirteen seconds, then the regret kicks in. Five Guys fries (again that stupid incidental rhyme) however... pretty solid I'd say. I'd prefer more in terms of something distinctive or notable, but all those great elements you want in a french fry (crispiness, potato depth, slight saltiness) are there. Thumbs up I'd say... good but not incredible.

 

 

Now the burger. I must say I was surprised to find a double patty upon unwrapping this baby. Despite my thoughts about double burgers (usually not into it... I find the heavy beef presence usually just overwhelms the whole thing... throw your stones accordingly!)... when you have thinner patties like Five Guys does, it can really work. Plus... In-N-Out's Double Double is possibly the very best cheeseburger that has ever existed... but that's a review for another far, far off day.

I like my cheeseburgers pretty simple most of the time, and as said above my default go-to is mayo, mustard, lettuce and pickles. Upon first bite... yeah. Damn yeah. This is my kind of jam. The balance is the strongest aspect here: plenty of beef, but the cheese, bun and topping ratio all evens out into a nice little harmony. This is indeed pretty heavy on the processed cheese, but if you're going to do that then do it like it's done here: gooey and oozing all over the place. The beef itself is a step above any general fast food burger you'll find from the big chains: Wendy's is tasty but fairly flavourless, Burger King barely tastes like food, Harvey's is plenty juicy but always tastes of char, A&W is good but excessively salty and McDonald's... tastes like McDonald's. Five Guys, even in this expanded franchise form, clearly uses a better quality beef and the results show. There isn't much in the way of seasoning here, just a standard nicely cooked ground beefy flavour. Very nice. 

Does it match Rudy though? In my opinion the very best Toronto burger chain? Nope. It's not close, either. Rudy is a true spiritual smash burger that can almost rival Shake Shack (not surpass, but the conversation can be had). Five Guys isn't a smash burger, but the softness of the patties inside does remind me of that wonderful mouth texture and enjoyable taste of that from bite to bite... just without the wonderful flavoured crispiness and layers a true smash burger provides. This here is more like Burger's Priest, except probably a bit better? I haven't had Burger's Priest in quite a while (last time would've been this) and frankly I've never been totally blown away by any of their burgers, despite living right near the original location. They're good, don't get me wrong... maybe the shtick rubs me the wrong way I dunno.  

Overall! I would indeed recommend Five Guys. It's legit a very solid burger chain, which was a minor pleasant surprise. Not that I expected them to be horrible, but quasi-overrated fast food imports have burned me before. 

Five Guys keep it all very simple... straight up cheeseburgers and fries without any frills or gimmicks, minimal seasoning (which is a positive and a negative) and I can respect that. The "choose your own adventure" aspect of the toppings caught me off guard but hey, I like being able to either dig my own grave or build my own stairs upwards to the sky. This was the kind of review where while eating this wasn't an eye-popping experience, I really appreciate something good done with modest quality, genuine care and a particular level of passion most fast food chains claim but never actually execute. Check them out if you can, though I suggest you hopefully avoid the tweaked out crazies at 5pm on a Monday of course....

 

Burnt Ends --  I always feel bad when I skip a week (pay no attention to those several weeks I skipped from January to April.... Shhhhhh.... shhhhhh). I'll have another little review coming up later this week, assuming catastrophe doesn't strike of course. Assumptions make an ass of all of us, of course. 

I also (in a sun-roasted haze) came up with an idea for a novel Saturday night. If/once it gets off the ground, I'm sure those updates will be coming here... hey where'd everyone go? How do I have negative page views somehow???

 

British Beer Fella -- I'd like to share this video from a charming (but also semi-pretentious) international beer judge who does a blind beer tasting of generic American macro-breweries. His insights into the process of brewing and beer itself are interesting to laymans like myself, and as somebody who has drank many beers in his life (you can tell) I'm endlessly impressed when somebody can identity particular hops just from an aroma of a brew. This dude also happens to really remind me of the British version of a fella I used to play baseball with (and who hired me a painter for a couple gigs)... it's quite uncanny. If you're somehow reading this, buddy... I mean it as compliment by the way!

Here's the video:

 

 

Tuesday Tune -- Was on a Squeeze kick two weeks ago, and then all hell kinda crushed things suddenly. It's certainly no fault of this album, which came out 42 years ago and over half a decade before I was born. Also... Squeeze is just an awesome band... Jay Ferguson of Sloan (I believe) has cited East Side Story as an album he loves dearly. 

This song is off the album previous to that: Argybargy. Which is at least a Top Seven 80s album for me, quite probably higher. Here's Glenn Tilbrook taking you on a (mis)adventure...

 

That's it for me! Good to be back, and hope to resume the regular scheduling of trying these prominent food chains... for better or worse.... gulp.

Until next time, stay safe, stay healthy, keep cool under the summer heat and don't spill that mustard.