This Week In Pizza: Pizza Fiamma

 

 

Been a while since I let my gremlins loose, you know.

Yeah. Back in the early days of my initial Pizza Quest of 2018... I was trying several different pizzas a week... and so was quick to sting any spot that fell short of my standards. For example, at the time I gave 2-4-1 an "F". An F! And while 2-4-1 is hardly good... it's not close to even being the worst pizza chain in Toronto, never mind deserving of such a brutal score. 

The world has changed of course, as have I... and most places I've checked out and reviewed recently have been because of praise. Either from friends with trustworthy tastes, via something appealing that pops up on my media feed, or just general acclaim in food circles. In a way, these pizza reviews have become predictable because it's going to be a place I've heard positive things about, and odds are my impressions will likewise be overall positive. The level of how much I like it is really the variable. 

This one, though. Fiamma. This was refreshing. At least, refreshing from a reviewer's perspective. As an experience? God no.

I was on my way to a softball game in a heavy rain, coming down from trying Pizza On Fire (review coming soon!), but knew I still had enough time to try Pizza Fiamma at Lawrence and Victoria Park. I'd never heard of the place before until a Reddit commenter on one of my reviews strongly suggested I check them out, praising them as his/her new favourite in the entire city. Lofty heights indeed, and intriguing enough to catch my attention. Toronto is littered with hidden pizza gems, after all, and it would take even me a lifetime to seek out them all. 

The interior of the place was weirdly spotless, with goofy facades on the perfectly painted walls of a pleasant cartoon chef in sketch form happily making a pie. Seemed like it had been recently renovated or something as there wasn't a lot of character about the joint, everything looked too fresh... like a pizza place coldly designed in a lab. Still, I'm in a good mood at this point... who wouldn't be when they're ordering a damn pizza. I go for a small one topping (bacon) and ask for the crushed garlic, listed as one of the 'free toppings' on the menu as an addition. Dude behind the counter bluntly tells me: "That's mixed into the sauce".

Yeeeeeah. That's a problem. Aside from whatever interaction we had (and there's more of that later)... uhhhhh so if that's actually true, lots of people have food allergies. Soooo... maybe mention that on the menu? (it was nowhere to be seen, I looked). I mean... for instance a good friend of mine can potentially die if tomatoes come anywhere near him. You're gonna just rudely brush it off with "oh it's not a free topping, garlic is in the sauce"... like huh? Would you have mentioned it if I hadn't asked and had a garlic allergy? I hope you were just being lazy, a terrible host or lying instead of criminally negligent. For the record, there definitely was not garlic in that sauce... so draw your own conclusion.   

It doesn't matter since this sauce had nothing resembling interesting flavour. None of this pizza did. Instead, that sauce actually had a gross sweetness to it, like almost sugary, with a similar texture to those cheap pizza sauce squeeze bottles you see at grocery stores. Just awful stuff, man. The rest of the pizza was so painfully generic and overcooked that it's a waste of time to even dive into it. This is an easy "D++" on quality alone... and yet there's more. 

Let the record show: I tried to be optimistic about this. I tried. Bad service, the place was a sleek ghost town... I've gone to dreadful vibes like this before and emerged with a stellar pizza regardless. Bad days exist (I know em well). But at the end of the day, you're running/for a business. Even in those lower moments... especially in a customer service industry... you gotta at least give a microbe of effort. Or, bare minimum... not make a random customer (myself) feel so unwanted that I'm happily trashing your weak-ass product to an audience. And yeah, sorry Fiamma but... you earned this! This pizza was far from worth defending. I mean, I literally accidentally dropped most of it on my way home... and didn't even care! And this is me we're talking about... the dude whose lower circle of hell probably involves dropping a pizza for all eternity. You have to do something extremely special for me to feel nothing when that happens. 

I've never felt so unwelcome waiting for a pizza in my whole damn life... and trust me, there have been many opportunities. After my order was complete (and I tipped, I always do)... Dude told me "Go wait". How pleasant. When my pizza arrived... I was still somewhat hopeful and thanked him earnestly. No response. No acknowledgement. Just a quick turn around, like I was another one of the perpetually empty chairs. Nice. You're doing great work keeping your furniture untouched by other human beings.  

Back to the actual pizza for a moment. Imagine you move to a small town, there's a pizza joint closeby and the night you move in you get a big pie for you and your sweetheart. The moment is memorable of course but the pizza itself is so forgettable that within weeks of your new digs you've found better options and never go back. That's probably the best possible scenario I could imagine Fiamma pizza in. 

Benefit of the doubt, maybe this was them on an off day? Maybe their ingredients weren't quite ready? Maybe the dude working was on his last day? Maybah fuck it. Excuses here are pointless and this place is not worth seeking those whatsoever. I'm still confused by the person who recommended this to me... was there a change in ownership since that comment? Was it the actual owner trying to fool me and promote the business on a public platform? 

Is it because it's very cheap? That would explain why the Google scores are positive. Don't be fooled. This is nothing special, unless you consider mediocrity special... and frankly it would just be an instantly forgettable pie if the dude who served me had given any kind of vibe beyond "I wish you didn't exist". Thanks. Totally worth the journey. It's a D++ pizza but with that extra bit of service seasoning.... this gets that rare "F" from me. And unlike 2-4-1, actually earned and deserves it. Never go here. Ever. Going hungry is preferable.